Having kids late in life?

swhite2012

So FI's Aunt and her husband had their first baby last night. They live and NYC, so we don't know much. As far as I know everything is good and both mom and baby are healthy.

She is in her 40s and her husband is 60ish. They got married last summer. This is both of their first marriage and first child. I'm so happy that even though they're later in life to get started they found what makes them happy. However, it blows my mind to think that when this kid is college aged, his dad will be nearly 80. What do you guys think about this? Do you have experience with knowing a late in life baby? I feel like being older parents will make it harder for them to keep up with a young kid and do all the things that children do. Thoughts?

lunarsongbird

I've known parents that were in their 40s when their child was born...but definitely not 60.

::sigh:: I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Does anyone else think it's mildly selfish?

lennonkdc

Seeing as how I'm 31, and I am  not ready for a family, I have a different perspective. When I was in my early/mid 20's I swore that I would have kids by now. But then I wanted to finish my BA, get my JD and now I just want to land a job and save up some money before I would feel ready. Given that timeline I can't see having kids before I'm 33, maybe 34. It will make me an 'older' parent, but hey, that's life.  

I don't think that parents who have kids late in life are selfish. Is a teen mom selfish, or a single mother selfish? They each have limitations that come with their respective place in life at that time. (just to clarify I don't think that either are selfish and I have respect for both). Sure, an older parent could die, but so could any parent. I have an uncle who had a pacemaker installed at 43 (when his son was a SR in HS and all kids worry about their parent's dying, it doesn't matter how old the parent is. 

I think that as long as any older parent does what any good parent(s) should do, which is create a loving family and strong support system of extended family and friends, then I have no problem with people starting families later in life. 

jorja86

I think having kids in your 40s is one thing, and starting in your 60s is quite another.

caitlin.cave

My mother was 36 when I was born, and my dad was 44.  It wasn't an issue for me when I was younger; they ran around with me just fine, and I never felt like they were old.  I was even sort of proud of them being older than everyone else's parents when I was younger, though I couldn't tell you why anymore.

However, now I wish they'd had me when they were a little younger.  As I'm getting older and making plans for the future, I want to imagine that my parents will be there during all the big moments; I'm starting to realize that they probably won't be.  Dad is over 65, and mom is pushing 60.  It's not an issue now, but then FI and I don't plan on having kids any time soon.  Add another 7 years for that, and dad will be over close to 75.

I'm not saying younger parents can't die too, I'm just saying that realistically they have a smaller probability of dying when their kids are under 30.

ETA: Hah!  I knew tk was gonna eat this, so I copied and pasted!  Take that, tk!

HULU

I remember when I was little, my friends at school would always say "Your mom is so pretty!" and the adults would say, "Wow, your mom is so young!" and it was a compliment. My mom was 21 (22 in 2 months) when I was born. I remember when she turned 30 (I was 9 years old, and she made a big deal out of it, lol), but I'm glad she had me when she did (my dad was 23 or 24... ish).

My mom will turn 46 in February, so it's nice to know that (Lord willing) I still have plenty of time left with her, and that (Lord willing) she'll be around to see her grandkids. I wouldn't call her "selfish" if she had waited longer, but the longer you wait, the more complications you could possibly have. I read somewhere that having children past your 40s put them at higher risks for Cerebal Palsy (or maybe it was Down's Syndrome? one of those two).

Geeze, TK is high on something. I'm pretty sure my post doesn't belong halfway up the page. XD

TheMutleys

I have lots to say but TK ate my 1st post.  I do think it is selfish for several reasons. 

I would retype it but I don't have it in me because my 14-month-old woke up at 5:30 this morning and finally went down for a nap.  I am 29... and beyond exhausted.  I think that says it all.

swhite2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-kids-late-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6500c69b-7ba5-4841-b9ee-50c4616eeaeaPost:c3c8c0d8-d644-45b1-abd6-74adb5312598">Re: Having kids late in life?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've known parents that were in their 40s when their child was born...but definitely not 60. ::sigh:: I'm not sure how I feel about this. Does anyone else think it's mildly selfish?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>I was going to ask if other people thought it was a little selfish, but I don't know everyone's situations so I was a little wary. But yes, I do think it is a tiny bit.</div><div>
</div><div>BTW, why is the Knot being so weird? Lunar's reply is showing above my original post...weird.</div>

beanbot2002

I know a few people who had kids in their 40s, but not older than that.

For me, personally, even though the Bean was not a planned pregnancy, and I was young (22 when I had him) and dropped out of school to handle that, I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that I was/am young enough to run around with him like a kid. I've also told SO that I'm closing up shop by 36ish...that gives him 5 years to slap a ring on my finger, walk me down the aisle and get me knocked the f up. LOL NO PRESSURE AT ALL.

 hahaha But no...I just want to have the energy to run around with my babies, you know? And this might sound selfish, but I'd like to still be on the somewhat young side, when they grow up and move out on their own. Young enough to travel lots with SO and such. 

polkadot111

My mom was 41 when my little sister was born. I honestly feel like they keep up with my sister just fine. The only issue is that since the rest of us siblings are all in our 20s now (except my one brother who is 17), they had to start over with parenting. They love it though. I think my little sister will keep them healthy longer since they've got to run after her.

Elle1036

I tend to think having kids, at any age, is always "a little bit selfish".  When a couple makes a decision to reproduce, they do it because they want children, not because their child-to-be wants to be born.  So I don't judge parental age.  As long as they can give adequate care and love, being a little older than average doesn't bother me at all.  Unfit parents come in all ages.

My parents were both in their mid-30s when I was born, and I was their first of three children.  I knew, growing up, that they were a few years older than most of my friends' parents, but I only knew because my friends shared their parents ages with me.  Had I had no knowledge of the numbers, I probably would have actually thought that my parents were younger than most; they never had any trouble keeping up with us.  Even now, I don't see a 60-year-old woman when I look at my mom.  She doesn't look or act that age.

I also have an aunt who got accidentally pregnant, from a one-night-stand, at age 44.  She's now dealing very well with a rowdy 6-year-old and, yeah, she's tired, but I think that's mostly because she's a single parent, not because she's 50.

jaycee7389

My parents were relatively young when they got married/had me and I am so thankful for it. They are both in their 50s now, whereas many of my friends' parents are in their 60s, and I feel like I have the chance at some extra time with them. I don't necessarily think having a kid in your early 40s is too out there, but it's definitely not for me.

TheMutleys

Also, there is a HUGE difference between having a kid at 40 and at 60.  They are not even in the same ballpark when it comes to keeping up with kids.

kellyt89

I don't judge parents who have kids in their 40's, especially because I know that many of them have probably dealt with infertility issues. My mom was 37 when she had me but she went through 6 years of infertility.

60 is a whole 'nother ball of wax. I do think that's selfiish because you have no idea what kinds of health problems you may develop as you get older but your kids are still very young.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-kids-late-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6500c69b-7ba5-4841-b9ee-50c4616eeaeaPost:8e0f8414-3ded-498d-ab6f-0c93100bd029">Re: Having kids late in life?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there are pros and cons to whatever age you decide to have a family. And it's really no one else's business, as long as the children have love and security and a good quality of life.

There are plenty of young parents in this country relying on food stamps and other assistance programs to care for their kids. Who is to say they are better parents just because of their age than a 60 year old parent who can support and love a child without tax payer assistance? They could ALL be good parents. Age isn't everything. Money isn't everything.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

Call me judgemental, but I don't think that bringing a child into the world when you are 60 is being the best parent possible.  I think that while you may be able to provide love, security and a good quality of life, there are going to be many areas where your age will have you falling short.  Can the older parent be a good parent?  Yes.  However, I do believe that his or her age precludes the person from being as involved as a younger person could be.  

And those that don't have the financial means to have a child should not be having children.  Wrap that willy up!  (I am not saying that when accidents happen that people who cannot afford a child should have an abortion or give their child up for adoption.  I <strong>am</strong> saying that people who cannot afford to have a child and PLAN a pregnancy have no business being parents.) 

I'm pretty big on not planing to bring a child into this world if you are not prepared(emotionally, physically and financially) to be a great parent.  Good isn't good enough for me when it comes to being a parent. 

lavenderfields13

I agree with Mutley. There's a huge difference between having a kid at 40 than at 60. Again, like PP I understand that just because you're a young parent there's no guarantee you're not going to die while your children are young but why would you choose have a baby at 60 knowing there's a pretty good chance you won't even see that kid graduate from college. I do think it's selfish.

desertsun

I think there are pros and cons to whatever age you decide to have a family. And it's really no one else's business, as long as the children have love and security and a good quality of life.

There are plenty of young parents in this country relying on food stamps and other assistance programs to care for their kids. Who is to say they are better parents just because of their age than a 60 year old parent who can support and love a child without tax payer assistance? They could ALL be good parents. Age isn't everything. Money isn't everything.

heyimbren

I was raised by my grandparents, and I was born when they were 50. And they raised my little sister as well, but she didn't come to live with us full-time until they were about 60. And they're divorced, so we only ever lived with my grandma although my grandpa was actively involved.

I think there are a lot worse things that parents (guardians raising kids) can be than older in life. I don't think it's the most ideal situation- but I don't think it's awful either.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-kids-late-life?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6500c69b-7ba5-4841-b9ee-50c4616eeaeaPost:7ddadfdf-e90c-4097-80fd-3bc1704be5dc">Re: Having kids late in life?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having kids late in life? : Call me judgemental, but I don't think that bringing a child into the world when you are 60 is being the best parent possible.  I think that while you may be able to provide love, security and a good quality of life, there are going to be many areas where your age will have you falling short.  Can the older parent be a good parent?  Yes.  However, I do believe that his or her age precludes the person from being as involved as a younger person could be.   And those that don't have the financial means to have a child should not be having children.  Wrap that willy up!  (I am not saying that when accidents happen that people who cannot afford a child should have an abortion or give their child up for adoption.  I am saying that people who cannot afford to have a child and PLAN a pregnancy have no business being parents.)  I'm pretty big on not planing to bring a child into this world if you are not prepared(emotionally, physically and financially) to be a great parent.  Good isn't good enough for me when it comes to being a parent. 
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I get what you're saying, but for me, age is just not something I'm concerned about when it comes to other people's reproductive choices.

<div>I personally have a much bigger problem with people who don't have adequate insurance and/or income becoming parents. I think that is a much bigger problem in our society, too. </div><div>
</div><div>I just feel like the world is full of children who are neglected, abandoned, or whose parents live off my tax dollars, and to me, those issues are much more deserving of concern than a 60 year old who will love and cherish and financiallly support a child, whose years of experience make them wise and better able to manage a child than a 20 year old. It's not all about energy. It can also be about just knowing how people or kids work and being able to apply that knowledge. Or having had years of managing people to learn patience. There are always different kinds of parents and different styles of parenting, and to me, I'm just not going to get judgy on the basis of age, when there are so many other, better things to get judgy about.</div><div>
</div><div>(And I grew up in a family that pinched pennies and didn't always have the nicest things, so again, I also don't think money has to be a huge factor. But I cannot say that I think having kids when you can't afford insurance is a good idea. I can't say that I think people who have to use food stamps should go ahead and have a second kid. Assistance programs are for times of crisis and shouldn't be a way of life. JMO.)</div><div>
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Peaseblossom55

I think becoming a parent at 60 is a little selfish, IMO.  Although being a parent later on in life does bring usually more financial security and knowledge.  At 60 though, how much of your child's life will you be around to see? That seems a bit unfair to the child.  My mom was 20 when she had me, so I love the fact that she will be around for a long time.  However I'm 32 and the BF is 38 we aren't even engaged yet so kids are probably another 3-4 years away at least.