Not Engaged Yet

Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage

Ok, so a few months ago, my boyfriend and I decided that we are getting married in five years. We have a date picked out and everything. We know where we wanna live, how many dogs we want, what we're going to do with our careers when we get out of college.

We didn't set out to do it, but we included each other in our plans. Our entire lives are already planned around us getting married. And I couldn't imagine it any other way/

The thing is, his mom is very traditional and Christian and doesn't approve of the fact that we've had premarital sex. Before she found out, she absolutely loved me, but now she thinks im trashy.

Also, she is CONVINCED that im trying to trap him into marrying him. She thinks im pushing for marriage when hes pushing for it JUST as hard!

He's thought about mentioning to her that he's including me in his future plans too, but he doesnt know how to bring it up. How could he tell her that we plan to get married someday?

Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage

  • meamollymeamolly member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How do you know she is thinking this? If she is saying this to your boyfriend then right at that time would be a great time for him to tell her you are the one he wants to marry someday.
  • Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If your boyfriend has an open enough relationship with his mom that she found out you had sex, he should be able to talk to her about someday marrying you.

    That being said, 5 years is a really long time, so there isn't a rush for this conversation to happen immediately.

    And it sounds horrible, but you should always have an "escape plan": if things don't go exactly as your 5 year plan goes, you need to make sure you don't build your life entirely around one guy.  Why?  Because you're an individual woman, and even if you're married, you still stay an individual.  You're just an individual who is then part of a whole.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:12ac60c6-5fbd-4f2c-8a47-7870f89a63b2">Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, so a few months ago, my boyfriend and I decided that we are getting married in five years. We have a date picked out and everything. We know where we wanna live, how many dogs we want, what we're going to do with our careers when we get out of college. We didn't set out to do it, but we included each other in our plans. Our entire lives are already planned around us getting married. And I couldn't imagine it any other way/ The thing is, his mom is very traditional and Christian and doesn't approve of the fact that we've had premarital sex. Before she found out, she absolutely loved me, but now she thinks im trashy. Also, she is CONVINCED that im trying to trap him into marrying him. She thinks im pushing for marriage when hes pushing for it JUST as hard! He's thought about mentioning to her that he's including me in his future plans too, but he doesnt know how to bring it up. How could he tell her that we plan to get married someday?
    Posted by julietteaurora[/QUOTE]

    How old are you?
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Ollie08Ollie08 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    She's 19...

    Screen Name: julietteaurora
    Age: 19
    Significant Other's Age: 19
    What You Do: Makeup Artist/ Business Student
    What SO Does: Engineering Student
    State of Relationship: Engaged
    How Long You've Been Together: 18 months
    How You Met: In high school :)
    Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): April 3, 2015
    Real Babies: none
    Fur Babies: none
    Loves: my amazing fiance, watching movies, japanese food, makeup
    Hates: people telling me to stop talking, people telling me to "calm down", and math lol
    Pet Peeves: same as above
    Hobbies/Activities: dance, makeup, hair, gymnastics
    Favorite Thing About Your SO: i never feel like i have to worry about him getting tired of me. every day he works as hard as he can to let me know how much he loves me and wants me in his life
    Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: he doesnt stand up for himself sometimes, and he doesnt really know how to deal with me when im angry with him. he just gets mad back at me
    Describe Your Personality: i am very talkative and loving but i let people know when they bother me
    Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): 6
    I've Been On TK Since: no clue. its been a bit
    How You Came to Be On TK: when my boyfriend officially told me we are definitely getting married, he just cant afford a ring yet, i got very excited and wanted to start planning
    How I like my potatoes: theyre disgusting
    Favorite book/author: harry potter :)
    Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: haha i kinda made myself seem awful and mean on here but im really not

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  • kellyt89kellyt89 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure how your sex life is any concern to your BF's mom - which is something he needs to tell her ASAP. That's wayyy more important than your plan to get married in 5 years. (Speaking of which, if he can't stand up to mommy now what makes you think he'll be able to in 5 years??)

    This reminds me of me and my (nowX)BF when I was 19...*shudders*
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  • edited December 2011
    1.  You sound nuts.  Probably because you're too young and (more importantly) immature to be thinking about marriage.

    2.  Your BF is an odd bird.  Seriously?  He can tell mommy dearest about his sex life but not about his plans for the future?  Methinks something sounds fishy here.  Maybe she feels you're pushing him into marriage because that's how he's portrayed it to her.

    3.  Also, who the EFF has a 5 year engagement?  You realize that you sound nuts, right?
  • sparkles88sparkles88 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OP, have you ever heard the saying, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans?" John Lennon said it in one of his songs. I think you should keep it in mind. At 19, I don't see any real reason to have every detail of the next 5+ years of your life planned out, including a whole wedding and how many dogs you want. I think it's okay to have a general direction you would like to see your life go in, but remember life will always throw you a curve ball of some sort. You're neglecting your life in the present.

    Also, your BF's mom should stop meddling in your sex life. Your BF needs to tell her to MHOB.
  • edited December 2011
    Also, the title to this thread suggests that he's your BF and in your intro, you say you're engaged, which is it?
  • polkadot111polkadot111 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You need to stop it. You cannot plan your whole entire life around one person when you're nineteen. Not a good plan. What happens if he breaks up with you? 5 years is a long time- this could easily happen. If you put ALL of your focus and life goals and everything into your life with him, you're skrewed if that happens.

    And, trust me, you don't want to be planning your wedding for 5 years.
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
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  • CASK85CASK85 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:12ac60c6-5fbd-4f2c-8a47-7870f89a63b2">Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, so a few months ago, my boyfriend and I decided that we are getting married in five years. We have a date picked out and everything. We know where we wanna live, how many dogs we want, what we're going to do with our careers when we get out of college. We didn't set out to do it, but we included each other in our plans. Our entire lives are already planned around us getting married. And I couldn't imagine it any other way/ The thing is, his mom is very traditional and Christian and doesn't approve of the fact that we've had premarital sex. Before she found out, she absolutely loved me, but now she thinks im trashy. Also, she is CONVINCED that im trying to trap him into marrying him. She thinks im pushing for marriage when hes pushing for it JUST as hard! He's thought about mentioning to her that he's including me in his future plans too, but he doesnt know how to bring it up<strong>. How could he tell her that we plan to get married someday?</strong>
    Posted by julietteaurora[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>"Mom, I plan to marry Julie someday. I love her. Please try to accept that and support us as much as you can. Also, our sex life is none of your business as we are both of age." </div><div>
    </div><div>Not that hard to figure out for a grown ass adult.</div><div>
    </div>
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:1e18db51-19c2-48cd-b992-7af6298c35f7">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage : "Mom, I plan to marry Julie someday. I love her. Please try to accept that and support us as much as you can. Also, our sex life is none of your business as we are both of age."  Not that hard to figure out for a grown ass adult.
    Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]
    For the Win!!!   I love you BTW!
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Also, who hates potatoes?  That's a deadly sin right there.  17th circle of hell for you.
    I french with my man
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:25c343db-a85a-47dd-9004-2728c62955f3">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, who hates potatoes?  That's a deadly sin right there.  17th circle of hell for you.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
    <p class="MsoNormal">I was thinking the same thing!

    Obviously I have nothing to contribute to this conversation.  I am just piggybacking off of other people's good ideas :)<span>  </span></p>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I had a boyfriend in 5th grade and we talked about getting married too. Then 4 days later, during recess, one of his friends came up to me and said that BF didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore. I was sad. We even picked out baby names.
    I'm not good at feelings.

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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:2c5ee295-141c-4ed2-b522-70e5d9c3b299">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]1.  <strong>You sound nuts</strong>.  Probably because you're too young and (more importantly) immature to be thinking about marriage. 2.  Your BF is an odd bird.  Seriously?  He can tell mommy dearest about his sex life but not about his plans for the future?  Methinks something sounds fishy here.  Maybe she feels you're pushing him into marriage because that's how he's portrayed it to her. 3.  Also, who the EFF has a 5 year engagement?  You realize that you sound nuts, right?
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    This.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:edbf7e46-255c-4cb7-9ebe-0927ea798106">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had a boyfriend in 5th grade and we talked about getting married too. Then 4 days later, during recess, one of his friends came up to me and said that BF didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore. I was sad. We even picked out baby names.
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

    LOLz
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • SopChickSopChick member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    OP, it's so true that you need to plan your life around what you want to do, especially at 19. If it's meant to be, you guys will find a way to make it work (long distance, etc). People change a lot in their early 20s, and sometimes you and your BF will grow together, sometimes you grow apart. Just think about what you want out of life, and enjoy the relationship you guys have in the present.
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  • anythinggoldanythinggold member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    When I was in preschool, I wrote in my diary that I was going to marry my boyfriend Louis, and my sister was going to be my bridesmaid. I don't even want a wedding party now! Things change! 

    Oh, also Louis has married a different lady and I don't want to get married at Disney World anymore. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:5bc061dd-c7b1-48f6-9900-4623cf0023f2">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's 19... Screen Name: julietteaurora Age: 19 Significant Other's Age: 19 What You Do: Makeup Artist/ Business Student What SO Does: Engineering Student State of Relationship: Engaged How Long You've Been Together: 18 months How You Met: In high school :) Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): April 3, 2015 Real Babies: none Fur Babies: none Loves: my amazing fiance, watching movies, japanese food, makeup Hates: people telling me to stop talking, people telling me to "calm down", and math lol Pet Peeves: same as above Hobbies/Activities: dance, makeup, hair, gymnastics Favorite Thing About Your SO: i never feel like i have to worry about him getting tired of me. every day he works as hard as he can to let me know how much he loves me and wants me in his life Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: he doesnt stand up for himself sometimes, and he doesnt really know how to deal with me when im angry with him. he just gets mad back at me Describe Your Personality: i am very talkative and loving but i let people know when they bother me Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): 6 I've Been On TK Since: no clue. its been a bit How You Came to Be On TK: <strong>when my boyfriend officially told me we are definitely getting married, he just cant afford a ring yet, i got very excited and wanted to start planning</strong> How I like my potatoes: theyre disgusting Favorite book/author: harry potter :) Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: haha i kinda made myself seem awful and mean on here but im really not
    Posted by Ollie08[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>omg</div>
    image
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  • edited December 2011
    Um. What?

    First of all - I thought I was going to marry the guy I was with five years ago and... *shudder*

    Second - I agree with the PP's, your sex life is NONE of your BF's mother's business.

    Third - good gravy, you are 19 years old. You are still a teenager. Finish college, get a job, mature a little, and THEN think about getting married. Yes, it's fun to fantasize, but ... college is a time of growth. You will grow into a mature, independent adult and you may even outgrow your boyfriend.

    Slow. Your. Roll.

    image 170 Invited (holy crap!)

    image 98 are coming to party!

    image 29 have other plans

    image 43 need to respond!

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  • JoRockaJoRocka member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So... here I am- I'm poking around on here thinking its going to be a little bridezilla crazy women talk...

    and here you all are... normal- cynical real women.  I LOVE IT!!!! 

    Anyway- I agree with all that's said.

    19 is way to young- you have no idea what you want right now- and getting married in five years is crazy. 

    Furthermore Your sex life is your own buisness- your boyfriend seriously needs to man up- if at 19 he cannot own up to mommy that he is having sex than he has no buisness getting married.

    um yeah.

    hi-<waves />  I'm new... but I know better.  LOL
    I work hard and I play hard. I'm just like everyone else... only different... and if you don't like it- you can suck it.
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:21ad2cdb-45b0-4878-8296-94cd1205fdb0">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]So... here I am- I'm poking around on here thinking its going to be a little bridezilla crazy women talk... and here you all are... normal- cynical real women.  I LOVE IT!!!!  Anyway- I agree with all that's said. 19 is way to young- you have no idea what you want right now- and getting married in five years is crazy.  Furthermore Your sex life is your own buisness- your boyfriend seriously needs to man up- if at 19 he cannot own up to mommy that he is having sex than he has no buisness getting married. um yeah. hi-<waves />  I'm new... but I know better.  LOL
    Posted by IBasha[/QUOTE]

    Basha - you should post an intro thread.  Go to our "Getting to know you" thread, answer the questions, and then post a thread with the info so we can get to know you.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />
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  • CleverThoughtCleverThought member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I agree, mostly, with other PP's. You do sound a bit crazy and if you aren't mature enough to tell potential FMIL, then you are not mature enough to be engaged.

    However, I am one that doesn't think age equates maturity. Sure, you are a different person at 19 then you will be at 25. However, the same could be said about 25 and 50. People are constantly growing and changing. Some 19 years olds are ready for marriage, while 30 year olds are not. The same applies in the reverse.

    I may be biased because I am young myself, but I consider myself to be fairly mature when compared to others my age.

    With that said, you seem to be an immature 19 year old. It seems that you can't truthfully tell us if you are dating or engaged. Freaking out about how to tell your BF's mom that you want to marry each other shows vast immaturity. If you cannot share your future plans with those close to you, you shouldn't be getting married. I feel like it is outlandish 19 years olds like this that give all young persons a bad reputation.

    My advice? Let go of the 5 year plan. You can have an idea of where you want to be in five years. However, the beautiful part about life is that it's unpredictable. You can BF (FI?), need to grow and mature together. If you guys grow closer during that maturation, than start talking marriage and number of dogs and what have you. You might be 20, 25, or even 35 by the time you get it figured out. But enjoy the beautiful ride that is life.
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  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In your intro thread, it says one of the things you like least about your fiance is that he doesn't know how to deal with you when you're angry with him, and that he just gets mad back at you. 

    I'm not gonna say anything about your age, because I also don't think age is the same as life experience and maturity; however, I am going to say that before you think about getting married, you need to work on communicating more effectively and learning to "fight fair" with your fiance.  So many marriages are either unhappy or ended because people have no clue how to address problems, and that's something that is so necessary if you're in something for the long haul.
  • edited December 2011
    Posts like this make me glad that I was single when I was 19.  

    I'm going to answer the only question you asked.  You asked how to tell your bf's mother that you will be getting married some day.  My answer is that you don't really need to discuss it at this point.  You two have a lot of time.  You don't need to discuss a wedding that will (possibly) be happening 5 years from now.  
  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:1f5ef9c5-3d67-4dc8-81ed-8ba2819764b9">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not sure how your sex life is any concern to your BF's mom - which is something he needs to tell her ASAP. That's wayyy more important than your plan to get married in 5 years. (Speaking of which, if he can't stand up to mommy now what makes you think he'll be able to in 5 years??) <strong>This reminds me of me and my (nowX)BF when I was 19...*shudders*</strong>
    Posted by kellyt89[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>



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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm sad she's not coming back.

    I'd like to encourage the OP to put the wedding things down and give potatoes another shot.  Preferably with cheese.  And wine.  Mmmmm wine.
    I french with my man
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-thinks-im-pushing-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6718f225-42de-425e-a2bd-8c8bd6b1893dPost:929a2bb9-7454-40ee-96cf-8de496997417">Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Boyfriend's Mom Thinks I'm Pushing For Marriage : Mmm wine is right. Except OP isn't old enough to drink it.
    Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

    <div>Don't bore me with the details.  ;)</div>
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