Ever feel... *vent*

KikiMira

Do you guys ever feel that compared to what your BF/FI/H makes as an income, that what you make isn't adequate? 

 In my last LT relationship, I was the "bread winner". I made a lot more then my ex did. I oddly liked this, I felt really good that I brought home the bacon and if he didn't have me he wouldn't be able to live. I know that sounds bitchy, but its how I felt. 

 Now fast forward 2 years later. I left the job because of my boss - http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-won. I took a 45% pay cut for less hours, rather standard 32-36 hrs a week instead of 50+ hrs a week. This gave me a much better work/life balance and I can attend my classes part time easily. I don't regret any discussions that I have made.

 BF came home the other day and handed me a letter, it was his bonus and raise from work. I wanted to cry. His annual raise was 1/4 of what I make a year and his bonus was more then I made last year. This makes me feel totally inadequate to the house hold, I didn't even get a raise last year because of the economy down turn. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. He is always paying for me and I feel bad. I do offer him money when, I have extra and he almost always refuses it. I don't want him to think I am with him because he pays for me, and he gets offended if I refuse it. 

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Or been in that situation?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ever-feel-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:67accc62-0793-43e6-ba2e-821f84134f09Post:7c04d81b-2f49-4271-88d8-929b05dac8ac">Ever feel... *vent*</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you guys ever feel that compared to what your BF/FI/H makes as an income, that what you make isn't adequate?   In my last LT relationship, I was the "bread winner". I made a lot more then my ex did. I oddly liked this,<strong> I felt really good that I brought home the bacon and if he didn't have me he wouldn't be able to live.</strong> I know that sounds bitchy, but its how I felt.   Now fast forward 2 years later. I left the job because of my boss -  <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-won">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-won</a> . I took a 45% pay cut for less hours, rather standard 32-36 hrs a week instead of 50+ hrs a week. This gave me a much better work/life balance and I can attend my classes part time easily. I don't regret any discussions that I have made.  BF came home the other day and handed me a letter, it was his bonus and raise from work. I wanted to cry. His annual raise was 1/4 of what I make a year and his bonus was more then I made last year. This makes me feel totally inadequate to the house hold, I didn't even get a raise last year because of the economy down turn. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. He is always paying for me and I feel bad. I do offer him money when, I have extra and he almost always refuses it. I don't want him to think I am with him because he pays for me, and he gets offended if I refuse it.  Has anyone else ever felt like this? Or been in that situation?
Posted by KikiMira[/QUOTE]

it's not a contest, and that kind of attitude is not healthy for a relationship.  it's not a power struggle, and I find it sad that you treat it so.

I make more than my H.  so what?  we put out expenses into the bank account, we pay all the bills (including HIS student loans, I don't have any), and then we cash out a certain amount of money to spend.  it's not a pissing contest between the two of us. 

seriously.  maybe you are getting a small taste of what your ex-BF was feeling.  money shouldn't be used as power in a healthy relationship.  when my H (then FI) was in school and student teaching, he maybe got 4-8 hours a week... that was not enough to pay for his gas and phone and food.  so I helped him out, not because I felt powerful that he couldn't make it without me, BUT BECAUSE I LOVED HIM AND WANTED TO SEE HIM SUCCEED.  I could have made him feel miserable because he needed me to survive at that time, but that isn't real love and respect for my partner, is it?  he knew that he needed me, and he didn't like it, but it was just how it was at the time.  it was temporary.  I still make more than he does, but that's just the nature of my career vs. his.  and so what?  it's just money.  money comes and goes, but hopefully a relationship made of love, trust, and respect is unswayed by money and a mental power struggle.

see the attitude difference?  maybe you need to readjust yours.

QuiltingNurse

My BF makes double what I make, it's never been an issue for us. He pays more of the bills, but I contribute a good amount. It has never been an contest for us, unless we're comparing who got more over time on a pay or something silly and completely does not matter. We think of it as OUR money, not my money and his money. When we make choices on what to buy we do talk to each other about it first since it impacts both of us. When we go out, I usually pay from my account just because I pay for less of the bills, but it makes no difference in the end. It does not bother me in the slightest that I make so much less, I feel like we both work really hard for our money and we both respect that the other is doing more than enough for us right now. 

If I were making next to nothing, and we split expenses 50/50 and he had a very extravagant lifestyle I may feel differently. However, if that was the case I would be having a talk with him about the spending and coming up with a new plan because that just would not work. You are bringing in an income, he is bringing in more, but you are still contributing. If he had a problem with this I'm sure he would tell you and you could come up with a solution. For now, be happy that you are both able to bring in what you do and think of yourselves as a partnership when it comes to money/expenses, not of you as being lower than him because of your financial status.

tdwpg1984

BF makes way more money than me. Like he pays almost as much in taxes and other deductions than my salary before taxes and deductions. And he has very little debt. And a lot of assets. I on the other hand, make not much money and have some debt (which I have a 3 year plan to pay it all off now, tres excited) and my only real asset is my car, which I still owe about 1/4 of what it's worth on my loan. It's frustrating at times but I have to remember that my BF graduated a year early from high schoo, went straight to university, took a degree that gets you a decent job and then immediately did even more stuff and then got a pretty decent job with good prospects and then somehow ended up with the awesome job he now has. I on the other hand didn't start university until I was 21, took a completely useless degree and got a crappy job which I now feel like I can't quit because I don't want to face the prospect of having to settle for an even crappier job out of desperation. At least I'm going to school to get a degree where I should at least have decent prospects at the end.

It does frustrate me sometimes because I don't feel like I contribute enough to the relationship. And my BF is always spending way too much money on me, and pays for us when we go out almost all the time. He also pays for the majority of our household expenses. I sometimes feel too like I am keeping him from doing some of the things he wants to do. Like last week his brother invited him on a road trip, which he didn't go on because he didn't want to go without me and he knew I couldn't afford it. I didn't hear about this until it was too late, cuz if I had heard about it I would have told him to go (It was just a 4 day thing). This summer his cousin in Toronto is having a baby and his other cousin (pregnant cousin's sister) is flying over from France to see the new baby. BF was thinking about going, but we already have a trip to Toronto planned for the Grey Cup which I've been looking forward to for like 2 years now, so I can't afford a second trip this summer, so now BF has decided not to go, even though I told him he should go without me. I feel bad about it. But at the same time, I know that when I'm done school I should be able to get a better job and contribute more and will be able to do some of the stuff we/I want to do.

thejucheidea

I make almost $10 an hour more than he does, but we use a joint account for most of the household expenses (groceries, bills, mortgage, furniture buying, remodeling stuff). I put 15% of each paycheck into my personal account and he puts a flat $200 into his account from each paycheck, so we end up having about the same amount in our personal accounts at any given time. Yes, I make more, and for awhile, I was kinda down when he was talking about how his job will eventually lead to promotions where he will make significantly more than me, but he straight up told me that it wouldn't matter if he made more because it was all going to be equally mine anyway.

Money scares me because of my parents filing bankrupcy a couple of years ago. I grew up in a very affluent area with very wealthy parents and grandparents, went to private schools from Kindergarten through college, always pretty much had anything I wanted, and now I'm having to live on what we make. It's terrifying to me, so it takes a lot for me to not just sit on top of money, looking around furtively like someone's going to come take it from me. Seeing our joint income is comforting to me, and I don't care whose job it came from as long as two paychecks are floating happily into our joint account.

tl;dr: It's no big damn deal who makes the most; the important thing is that both people are contributing or that one selflessly supports while the other studies, works less hours for whatever reason or is looking for a job. But for godsake, don't be all weepy about an income discrepancy, jeez.

KikiMira

I get that it's not a contest. With ex everything was, old habits die hard. This, he doesn't allow me to contribute. Ever. The only thing I pay for is groceries. I try he refuses it, or he will take it then apply it too my debts. I've never even seen an energy bill. I literally contribute nothing. That's why I'm so frustrated with this. He makes a ton more money then me and refuses my money.

tdwpg1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ever-feel-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:67accc62-0793-43e6-ba2e-821f84134f09Post:b3e32fbd-2cf5-4a74-a632-582213ca875a">Re: Ever feel... *vent*</a>:
[QUOTE]I get that it's not a contest. With ex everything was, old habits die hard. <strong>This, he doesn't allow me to contribute. Ever. The only thing I pay for is groceries. I try he refuses it, or he will take it then apply it too my debts. I've never even seen an energy bill. I literally contribute nothing.</strong> That's why I'm so frustrated with this. He makes a ton more money then me and refuses my money.
Posted by KikiMira[/QUOTE]
This is pretty much exactly how things work in our household. I pay for groceries, he pays for everything else. Although this was pretty much the same arrangement he had with his roomie before. Roomie payed all his own personal expenses, and grocieries for the two of them. BF paid the mortgage and utilities.

I do feel bad that I'm not contributing, but my BF has said he has more than enough to pay for everything and all the extra stuff we do (dates and what not) and put aside a significant amount in savings. BF feels though that it's more important for me to pay off my debt so I'm not accumulating more debt in the form if interest. To me that makes sense. And he's said that once I've paid off my debt, I can contribute more. Well actually, once I've paid off all my debt we'll probably be combining finances.

HULU

I understand how it feels to feel "inadequate" when it comes to income, but that's because I want to feel like FI isn't carrying all the financial weight on his shoulders. But, I'm in no way resentful towards him or upset that he has more money than me. If I want to pay for our dinner out and he says "No, that's okay, I've got it", it's no big deal. I'm happy that I have someone that has the ability to decline my offer instead of being in a relationship where we're saying things like "I paid last time" or "It's your turn to foot the bill".

When we're married, my money is his money anyway (figuratively speaking) so what does it matter? I don't feel like a moocher because I DO ask, and that's all there is to it.

kaitlynmichelle

BF and I are working the exact same job right now, so our paychecks are identical.  Over the summer he did make more than I did, and he had to pay more for food, gas, rent, etc. because I didn't have enough.  I felt really guilty for awhile but he told me that at this point, we split everything and he doesn't mind making up for what I couldn't pay for.  He said our money is basically shared at this point, and I agree with that.  Once I had a little more money, I was able to pay my half.

We aren't too picky about splitting things though.  If I get an extra grocery bill, or he fills up the truck when its really my turn, we don't think its a big deal.  

dwest2201

FI makes significantly more than I do.  At his regular job he makes just under double my salary and he works PT as a firefighter and brings home almost half of my yearly income doing that.  So he essentially makes 3 times what I do and is up for a raise at his review next week. 

I don't mind that he makes more than I do, or that he always will.  I think that if the tables were turned he may feel somewhat inadequate, only because I make so little though.  However, if we both made fairly nice salaries and mine was greater, I don't believe that would bother him.  It is definitely not a competition for us, we already see things as a team and strategize on how we are going to do this or that, or buy a new car at the the end of the year, etc..  We have every intention of combining out incomes and making over 6 figures together and being able to afford the things that we need and want without issue. 

KikiMira

Im glad I am not the only one in the position. None of you wonderful ladies seem to have an issue with it, clearly that's something I need to work on.

Thanks for weighing in on this. I will try not to let it bother me and get over it.