Not Engaged Yet

Hi, I'm new here.

I'd just like to get some honest opinions from you ladies about my situation. :-)

BF and I have been talking for at least 6 months about getting married. He has made it clear he wants to marry me and plans to propose. He says he wants to wait until he has the ring so he can "do it right" as far as the proposal. I guess I'm "engaged, no ring."  Back before Christmas, we were talking about what kind of wedding we wanted and everything and I said I feel kind of funny looking at dresses and all without a ring/proposal. He encouraged me to look all I wanted, so I have been, and he seems really excited whenever I find something I like. He was really supportive when I went to look at wedding gowns with my mom.

I guess my thing now is, it's been so long and I still haven't gotten the ring yet, or the actual "Will you marry me?". (I think that's what gets me the most.) I wonder if I'm half crazy for looking at things without the ring/proposal even though we have talked about getting married and have an understanding. I talked to him about my concerns and he is saying he should have the ring paid off by March. I have decided to not put any money down on the wedding gown until I get the ring. It's not that I don't trust him, I just feel funny putting down that much cash without at least the proposal. I'm cool with waiting for the ring or even if he had an inexpensive "stand-in" ring to propose with. What do you guys think? Have any of you experienced this situation? I guess I just needed somebody to talk to about things. :-)
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Re: Hi, I'm new here.

  • Wrkn925Wrkn925 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    This is my situation.  BF does not think I'm crazy for looking.  He brings up subjects like wedding colors, dresses, guest lists, food, etc. 

    We looked at rings in September, and he still has not proposed.

    I've just become more firm in my stance, I am choosing not to plan or make decisions before we are engaged.  I searched for a little while, while tapping my foot waiting on a ring.  I realized I was taking a very special event away from myself. 

    The true questions is whether or not you are engaged.  What do both of you consider the status of your relationship? 
    How important is it to you to have a ring to consider yourself engaged?

    You don't have to have a ring to be engaged, you just both need to be on the same page.
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  • edited December 2011
    Kerry (I'm assuming you're not Kevin)...most girls on here will advise you not to plan before you are engaged. Talking about getting engaged does not count...he has to have actually asked you to marry him. Be patient and wait for his actual proposal. Once it comes, then you can start planning your big day.

    BTW - I think it's a wise decision to wait on any wedding-related purchases until after the proposal as well. Kudos on that decision!
  • edited December 2011
    We're both on the same page as far as knowing we want to get married. My BF sounds a lot like yours, asking questions and whatnot. I just wish he'd propose even if it's just a paper clip wrapped in a circle so I can feel officially "engaged." LOL.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Allusive - yes, I'm Kerry. ;-)

  • edited December 2011
    What do the two of you consider your relationship status to be? Are you still BF/GF or do you consider yourself engaged? If you don't consider yourself engaged then I would stop any and all planning/looking until both of you consider yourself engaged.
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  • Wrkn925Wrkn925 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:769d269e-9345-491e-8705-8a7ace29ab21">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>We're both on the same page as far as knowing we want to get married.</strong>My BF sounds a lot like yours, asking questions and whatnot. I just wish he'd propose even if it's just a paper clip wrapped in a circle so I can feel officially "engaged." LOL.
    Posted by kevinandkerry2011[/QUOTE]

    Yes, so are we.

    But, right now, today, what do you and your SO consider to be the status of your relationship?
    Do you tell family you are engaged?
    Does he introduce you as his fiancee?

    If you are still dating, don't shop for dresses or pick out a venue and colors. 
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    PP made excellent points.

    First, Wkrn is spot on that you BOTH need to be on the same page. It sounds (to me) like your BF basically considers you two engaged so it's okay for you to look, but he still wants you to have the dream proposal and all that. It sounds like you consider yourself to be engaged, but you're still waiting on the ring before you go and do anything. Like Wkrn said, if you don't want to plan without a ring, then don't. If he brings it up, say exactly how it makes you feel and why and that you'd rather wait.

    Second, allusive is right; talking about getting engaged is not the same thing at all as actually being engaged. There's a line there, so you two need to figure out which side of the line you're standing on.

    I wouldn't put money down until I was engaged. If that involves a ring, then that's fine, but it doesn't have to involve a ring either. It depends on what you two decide. But you're either engaged or you're not.

  • mana8503mana8503 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    1. I'd take his last name from your ticker... just for security since we know his first name is Kevin from your SN.

    2. BF and I looked at rings June/July and I haven't been officially proposed to.  Just the situation, and I'm trying to be patient.  He calls me his fiancée to people etc, but I don't feel comfortable yet.  He encouraged me to look at things, but it made me to crazy so I'm just waiting.  I wasn't putting money down, but I didn't feel right until he asked my dad and gives me the ring I know he's been working hard to make perfect.  Just simmer for now so you don't go crazy and March is really soon, esp with Febuary being so short.
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  • edited December 2011
    Hopefully February will fly by!
  • mana8503mana8503 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Haha it will.  I remember when I thought it'll be around January and I was like UGH 6 months... and now it's been 7 monthes.  They fly by.  Honestly where did January go?!  Enjoy being gf/bf right now and then celebrate being engaged when it happens.  I don't think guys understand how it affects us jumping the gun.  We talk about it a lot, and he was kinda happy I found this board.  I've been less crazy since haha.
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  • edited December 2011
    I so know how you feel, I don't know what these guys are up to.  I am starting to think they just enjoy having the power! lol I am tired of waiting too!   I have started to just check into things like styles for my future wedding gown, but not going to even try one on until his butt gets down on one knee! haha
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  • edited December 2011
    LOL I know, these guys need to get off their duffs hahaha. I know he knows how important this is to me and I honestly feel it's important to him too. I wouldn't have even tried a gown on if we hadn't talked about it so much. It's not like I just went out and tried on a dress. I'm not THAT crazy. ;-) We went looking at rings back in August I think and then he "accidentally on purpose" let it slip in Sept that he put something back. And we talked about marriage/wedding a month or two before that, even. It's just taking FOREVER and I want it NOW! LOL
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ditto everything Bren said. You don't need a ring to be engaged and to plan a wedding. Just a mutual agreement between you and your BF that that's where you're at.

    But too much looking/"pre-planning" before you're engaged? Kinda takes something away from being engaged. So that's why we encourage you to wait to do a large amount of research. Looking at a couple dress pics one day on the knot? Not a big deal. Scouring dress photos and designer websites and taking notes on dresses you like? Going too far.

    Hope that helps! Hi and welcome!
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  • mana8503mana8503 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't think guys understand.  Between looking at rings, and now - BF bought a truck.  Now if I said, Look at all the pretty trucks you want... now wait 6 months, we'd get the same reaction.  Only they'd be looking at truck parts online... itching to get started on making it how they want it.  At least that's my bf.

    I just relax and know he loves me, wants to spend his life with me...  I don't need a proposal or a ring for that. 
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  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Bren FTW!

    Hi and welcome.

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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Samantha and Kerry- While I totally understand being impatient, consider this a time to develop patience. I don't think it's that guys "don't understand!" and they just like having power, as much as it sounds like you aren't fully understanding THEIR reasons for waiting. Guys usually do have their own reasons for not proposing right away.

    But be honest and realistic with yourself; no, this really isn't taking FOREVER even if it feels like it. Don't let your feelings control you like that! It isn't healthy for anyone. Work on having a good attitude in the meantime and seeing all the amazing things in your relationship and focus on the little things you're experiencing now. Like Desert said, don't jump ahead on looking around right now before you're engaged.


  • edited December 2011
    Bren said it well.  A ring does not an engagement make.  If he considers you two to be  engaged, keep planning.  If he doesn't, stop planning and wait for a proposal.
  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I hope it's not about guys having "power." If that were the case, I don't think I'd want to marry that person.

    I had a coworker ask why my then-BF was taking so long propose (not that it was long at all). It was pretty straighforward--he wanted to finishing paying off his debt first. They probably have some sort of reason (plans, finances, etc).
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:d6870476-7b74-4091-b3a6-0e93b6ad80b7">Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd just like to get some honest opinions from you ladies about my situation. :-) BF and I have been talking for at least 6 months about getting married. <strong>He has made it clear he wants to marry me and plans to propose. He says he wants to wait until he has the ring so he can "do it right" as far as the proposal.</strong> I guess I'm "engaged, no ring."  Back before Christmas, we were talking about what kind of wedding we wanted and everything and I said I feel kind of funny looking at dresses and all without a ring/proposal. He encouraged me to look all I wanted, so I have been, and he seems really excited whenever I find something I like. He was really supportive when I went to look at wedding gowns with my mom. I guess my thing now is, it's been so long and I still haven't gotten the ring yet, or the actual "Will you marry me?". (I think that's what gets me the most.) I wonder if I'm half crazy for looking at things without the ring/proposal even though we have talked about getting married and have an understanding. I talked to him about my concerns and he is saying he should have the ring paid off by March. I have decided to not put any money down on the wedding gown until I get the ring. It's not that I don't trust him, I just feel funny putting down that much cash without at least the proposal. I'm cool with waiting for the ring or even if he had an inexpensive "stand-in" ring to propose with. What do you guys think? Have any of you experienced this situation? I guess I just needed somebody to talk to about things. :-)
    Posted by kevinandkerry2011[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, reading that, I would question the whole "engaged, no ring" thing. Just because you go ring shopping and talk about marriage until you're blue in the face, doesn't make you engaged. There has to be a consensus among both of you that you are, in fact, engaged. So until you two can come up with that, stop the planning for now and just enjoy this time. It's an exciting time for any couple and don't do your relationship an injustice by stressing over it.
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  • edited December 2011
    Well. He refers to me as family, his family refers to me as family, last week he put a $500 deposit on the venue we've talked about, and is getting a Family Share Plan on Verizon for me and him now that Verizon has the iPhone (his idea).
    So I'm going with the "engaged but no ring yet" phrase. :-)
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:3501670c-2e3d-4532-b96c-0727f8ab9490">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well. He refers to me as family, his family refers to me as family, last week he put a $500 deposit on the venue we've talked about, and is getting a Family Share Plan on Verizon for me and him now that Verizon has the iPhone (his idea). So I'm going with the "engaged but no ring yet" phrase. :-)
    Posted by kevinandkerry2011[/QUOTE]

    Does that mean that he has told you that you two are engaged then?

  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    We were in the same situation. Once he bought the ring (and before he gave it to me) we started looking. Once we got engaged we had a lot of decisions already made, and could start putting down deposits.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:3501670c-2e3d-4532-b96c-0727f8ab9490">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well. He refers to me as family, his family refers to me as family, last week he put a $500 deposit on the venue we've talked about, and is getting a Family Share Plan on Verizon for me and him now that Verizon has the iPhone (his idea). So I'm going with the "engaged but no ring yet" phrase. :-)
    Posted by kevinandkerry2011[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Being on the same phone plan = serious relationship.

    </div>
    I'm not good at feelings.

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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Ember. He's got the ring in layaway, but just hasn't given it to me yet. Knowing that he went and put that $500 down on the venue we talked about made me feel so much better!
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:0ee7222a-30a6-4421-9703-0c8d6e07d69f">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, I'm new here. : Being on the same phone plan = serious relationship.
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

    I must be doing it wrong. My H and I are not on the same phone plan. We also don't have a joint bank account. We also weren't family to each other's families until we were married. Dammit. We are DOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!!!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:0ee7222a-30a6-4421-9703-0c8d6e07d69f">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, I'm new here. : Being on the same phone plan = serious relationship.
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

    Yep. Plus, we live in different states, with him moving here after the wedding, so this is one step closer!!
  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:abd364f9-b869-4d05-a352-4936cae75c91">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, I'm new here. : I must be doing it wrong. My H and I are not on the same phone plan. We also don't have a joint bank account. We also weren't family to each other's families until we were married. Dammit. We are DOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!!!
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    <div>I can't believe you went through with the wedding! Didn't you know this?!</div>
    I'm not good at feelings.

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  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    What was I THINKING????!!!!!!!
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  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-im-new-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6a465560-f67c-442a-b698-15512f9358daPost:abd364f9-b869-4d05-a352-4936cae75c91">Re: Hi, I'm new here.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, I'm new here. : I must be doing it wrong. My H and I are not on the same phone plan. We also don't have a joint bank account. We also weren't family to each other's families until we were married. Dammit. We are DOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!!!
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wait what?! We need join bank accounts too?!</div><div>
    </div><div>My relationship is so invalid, it's not even funny anymore.</div>

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