Vent/Advice Needed

alanna91

DD

bethsmiles

Don't feel immature for posting this! Everyone needs to share and that is a lot to carry around. I don't have any advice for you but I want you to know that you can always share with us. **hugs**

ravenray

Oh alanna!  *hugs*   This must be so hard for you!   My FI also grew up in an alcoholic/co-dependant house hold; it is also very hard for him to leave.  I don't really know what to tell you but if you ever need to vent or cry or talk I am here.  Feel free to PM or FB me or call me.  *hugs*  I hope the other ladies have good advice for you and I am so sorry that I don't.

alanna91

Thank you Beth, Raven, and Liv. You girls are the best.
I won't be able to respond until after 9 tonight but I want you all to know I appreciate the hugs and any advice or comisserating or whatever!

dwest2201

Honey, I am sorry that you have to deal with this.  I feel very sorry for you and your mother.  Obviously he is stressed, but that is no excuse for treating his family like garbage, period. 

I'm not sure if you are religious or not but most churches offer someone to talk to, in confidence, for free. 

No matter how you feel about him I would encourage you to talk to your Mom, let her know that you love her and that she does not deserve to be treated that way and that you wouldn't be upset if she left him.  Is it possible that you and your Mom are both sticking it out in a bad situation for each other's sake? 

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ventadvice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6b3ea3f9-cdd0-4043-87a1-29900f46686bPost:1214e9a1-d72a-47b0-a2df-4e2f6c691efe">Re: Vent/Advice Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]1) Please don't feel immature. Everyone needs a place to vent, and you're dealing with some tough stuff. This is a great place for that.  2) If you can, try to let go of yourself as a "persona" (the good girl). I had that label for a long time and I really had to do a lot of work within myself to just be ME without having that sort of stigma, for lack of a better word. Everyone is entitled to have a crappy time, be affected by familial situations, etc. You don't have to be happy and smiling and "good" all the time. Let yourself feel what you're feeling while being true to yourself.  3) Without saying anything else about your situation in this post, I think it's most important for you to TRY to not become a parentified child in this situation...it is your mom's decision whether or not to move, etc. and not your responsibility to stay because you feel like you'd be abandoning her. That's not your job. What IS your job at this point, as an adult yourself, is to make choices that will make you safe (physically, and, in this case, emotionally) and happy. It sounds like right now you are not feeling emotionally safe or happy.  That's all I think I can write without giving other details away so you can DD later. But I hope that you can figure out a way to feel safe and happy with the support of your BF. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]
 
This. Every last wise word of it. And a lot of hugs to you Alanna. I'm sorry you are having a tough time. We're always here for you!

doubleSS07

oh my...I am so sorry you are dealing with all that crap.  I don't have advice for you per se because even if you have experience with this type of situation, which I do (the alcohol, the dealings with the law, emotional abuse from a parent) you can't tell another person how to deal with their family.  Family is a buggar!!  I can tell you how I have dealt with mine.

I stopped speaking to the family members who had issues with the law and I stopped speaking to my Mother (the alcoholic).  After years of the fighting, the name calling and the drunken phone calls, I finally said it's enough.  Like PP said don't become the child parenting the parent.  I spent the better part of 20 years doing that and people are still just gonna do what they are gonna do.  Not saying this is the answer for you, but distancing myself from the crazy has given my life peace.  It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that I don't have a great family, a mom to go dress shopping with one day or tell me how to burp a baby properly but you do what you need to and what you can to make your life what you want it.  Be yourself, the good and the bad, be true to yourself.  You can't save them all no matter how badly you want to.

Swazzle

I don't have any of my own advice but I second every single thing Liv said. 

Thinking about you & sending you super big hugs Alanna!!!!!

leia1979

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If the one person continues to make threats, it may be worth pursuing a restraining order. It probably would do you mom good to get away. Unfortunately, you can't make her do anything.

More than anything, don't forget to take care of yourself. Everyone is an adult in this situation, and while I know you want to take care of your family, you need to take care of yourself first.

desertsun

I am so very sorry you have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I could not agree more with Liv that you need to do what is healthiest for YOU.

I would suggest that you look into Al-Anon meetings near you. These can be very helpful in developing healthy boundaries and dealing with co-dependency. Your BF could come with you.

We're here for you. ::HUGS::

loves2shop4shoes

There are so many wise women on these boards.  Listen to the advice they give.

Also, I know you said it's financially unrealistic to move out, but I would try to move out as soon as HUMANLY possible.  It's not healthy for you to live in this environment.  If your mother chooses to make that her life, that's her decision, but you don't need to live in a house with alcoholism, constant arguing, threats of violence, and constant stress.

HUGS.

alanna91

I'm so glad to be a part of this community. You know how to give advice and support Thank you to everyone who responded. I have a lot of thinking to do.

My parents got in the mother-of-all fights last night but I'm sure it'll blow over this evening over a glass of scotch. Or get worse. We'll see.

It's funny you girls bring up the parentified child situation. My mother always tells me I need to stop acting like the parent, that it's her job...but sometimes I feel like I make more logical decesions than they do.

Dwest, I think it's totally possible we're sticking out the situation for eachother. But it's also for my dad. He's moved out and lived on his own atleast four times that I can remember but always needs to come back for support and all that good family stuff.

I'm going to DD my post but if you girls don't mind I'm going to keep your responses just so I can refer back to them when sh!ts blowing up again. I appreciate all of your advice, again I'm glad to be apart of this community

dwest2201

*HUGS* again, because I feel like you just can't get enough right now.

I'm glad that you reached out and got some support here, I hope that you are able to get some IRL support and IRL hugs as well.  Take care of yourself and feel free to vent again if you need it...which I'm sure you will in that situation.