So per Cate's request I'm updating...
FI decided that he wants to try to make it work no matter what it takes because imagining his life without me and my son in it made him feel completely empty (once he calmed down). He feels absolutely horrible about what he said and did to me and the way that he hurt me. He has apologized and I know that he is sorry and wasn't thinking straight. I love him to death, but I also do not trust that he will not end up doing the same thing in time at this point. We both agree that the only way that we have any chance of making this work is getting some professional help. He needs to be able to effectively communicate his emotions to me without holding it in or freaking out. I need him to prove that he is getting better at this and that he is putting forth the effort and time to make it better and not just in the short term, but forever. I need to trust that he wants to get married and be married for better or worse, through the good times and bad and that he is as committed as I am to marriage. He needs to know that I believe in him and trust him and am not conctantly fearing that he's going to freak out and leave me hanging.
He realizes that he let a lot of little stuff build up because he didn't want to argue over things like dishes, hair in the shower strainer (which I clean out before my next shower everytime but he thinks is gross) etc. I told him that it is okay to be bothered by things and that being bothered and telling me about it does not mean we will argue... sure sometimes we might, but sometimes it can be just a hey this bothers me can you try not to do it. I also said that we need to decide what bothers who... for example I clean the bathroom (and have since well before I moved in) because I do not like a dirty bathroom, but I despise handwashing dishes therefore I can let them pile up because I'd rather not wash them unless I need a clean counter and sink to cook or we are having people over. He is the opposite in this matter.
So after that we've decided to get help and try to make it work before throwing in the towel and walking away. Neither of us want to look back and wonder "what if" so it seems like the only way to know. We contacted our Priest and asked for counseling recommendations and got a list of people to contact. He has put everything else on hold (turned down a shift at the firehouse, turned down a ticket to a OSU football game for tomorrow and Bengals game on Sunday as well as sold a ticket that he already had for Mondays Red's playoff game). He is trying to prove to me that nothing is more important right now than making this work. He doesn't turn down shifts at the firehouse and he loves football and the Reds haven't been to the play-offs for 15 years so this does show me he is motivated... that and the fact that he is even willing to do counseling.
Ironically enough I had bought a book for my own reading purposes called keys to a successful marriage or something of the sort on Saturday morning (hours before he freaked out) while looking for a Baptismal gift. I started reading it Wednesday night and left it on the counter, without saying a word he read the intro and said that he thinks that we should read it together in the time that we are waiting to get set up with a counselor.
Also, I brought my old bed in from the garage and set it up in the spare room so he's been sleeping in there and will be for at least the near future. I think that having our own space is nice for us to be able to get away as we both still have some unresolved issues/emotions about it all. I'm still upset and angry with what he did to be but part of me feels sorry for him that he was holding in so much that he got that frustrated and blew up. He's ashamed and embarrassed by what he did... he won't even show his face right now to his family.
At this point we both still love each other a sh*t ton and would like to see ourselves getting married one day, even if it means pushing the date back to ensure that our foundation is strong. No matter what happens it will be a tough road for us.... only time will tell how things end up. In the meantime I'm trying to be as positive as possible whiel still being realistic and just taking things one day at a time.
Oh and today is my last day at the old job... only 1 hour and 35 minutes left... not that I'm counting down or anything!
