S/O: Holidays....How do you split them up?

lunarsongbird

Do you split up the holidays? Or do you do your own thing and SO does his own thing?

How do you decide to "share" the holidays with all your family?

Are the holidays stressful for you? Or do you find bliss under the Christmas lights?

lunarsongbird

[Deleted User]

so far, he has spent all the holidays here, simply because we haven't had enough money to go back to NM and/or he couldn't get off work long enough for a trip.  but we are determined to go either Thanksgiving, Christmas, or for the new year.  since he works at a bank right now, it's extremely hard to get off right before or after a holiday, especially during busy season.  so we'll see.

holidays are stressful, but also so much fun.  I look forward to it every year, and I'm especially looking forward to decorating our very own little place this year. 

thejucheidea

We go to both families. Fortunately, my grandparents and his family live about 45 minutes from each other, and we live an hour from my grandparents. Last year, we went to his paternal grandmother's for Thanksgiving lunch, visited his maternal grandmother then went to my grandparents' house for dinner because they had a gluten free dinner for me. At Christmas, his paternal grandmother was celebrating with his family the Monday after Christmas, so Tyler and I were working and could not make it. We had an early dinner at my grandparents' house when drove up to his parents' house for dessert and presents before visiting both of his grandmothers.

I don't know how it'll be this year. Thanksgiving will likely be the same but I don't know when his paternal grandmother is going to celebrate Christmas.

When I was a kid, we usually did Thanksgiving in Nashville and Christmas/New Years out in Newport Beach. When the family split up for a few years, we had Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Years in Newport Beach.

Hazel_B

So far we spend Easter, Canadian Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family and American Thanksgiving with his family.

This will eventually change since my family is 6 plus hours away by car and his is a minimum 8 hour flight, it gets expensive to see any of them.

Dealing with family in general is stressful because they are so far away.

Blue & White

Thanksgiving is a toss-up (we don't have a set schedule yet) - one year, we did it in FL, one year with his fam in WV, sounds like he wants to go to FL this year, but I don't want to travel twice in two weeks, so we'll see.

Christmas - we spend at our parents' in FL.  And we sleep at separate houses (that are 1 mile apart).  And we just go back and forth all day.  It's very effective.

[Deleted User]

we also spend time with DH's aunts/uncles/cousins here in the city on the holidays.  just not with his immediate family in NM.  we skype with them to say hi. 

MissOwl

our holiday schedule has been slowly evolving (we've been together since high school and only started spending holidays with the other's family about 5 years ago). we do:

easter - his parents
thanksgiving - my dad's/grandparents
christmas eve - my mom's
christmas morning mass and brunch- my mom's/grandparents
christmas day (later in the day) - his parents
sometime between christmas and new year's - my dad's/grandparents

[Deleted User]

Today's post aside, we generally split up the holidays between families very nicely. So far they have truly all been enjoyable experiences. BF's parents and my grandparents both live within 15 minutes of us, so it's easy to spend time with both sides when we want to. The first year we were together we did split up a couple times, but now we definitely stick together wherever we go.

My mom and brother are on the east coast, so when they travel we make an effort to be home more. We have gone out there a couple times too. My mom is so laid back that whatever we decide, there is no guilt....which is so nice!

Thank goodness BF and I grew up with a lot of the same family traditions. It has made the holidays a lot easier for us and I think it will make things more simple when we have kiddos someday.

bawidget

BF and his family aren't as close (or as big) as mine so we've spent all Holidays with my family for the past five years. It's really not ideal, but his family lives on the West Coast or abroad...so we're stuck with my family. The only thing I find stressful about the holidays is when I want to spend them away from family altogether and they give us no end of grief. Since living together we do our own Thanksgiving with no family and I love it because we cook together and it's just realxing. The situation with his family is weird because I've never actually met any of them. I get to fly out and meet them for this first time next year which I'm super nervous about!!!! 5 years of buildup guys!

tuarceatha

This is the question of the year. My parents are splitting so the routine is changing drastically. ugh.

Do you split up the holidays? Or do you do your own thing and SO does his own thing? The first year we were dating, my dad was totally offended that I wanted to spend time during the holidays with FI and FI's family. FI wanted to do everything together, where as I wanted to do whatever pissed off the smallest number of people. My approach did not work. I totally hurt FI's feelings, but we worked it out the next year and my dad got better about it.

How do you decide to "share" the holidays with all your family? Once we got it figured out we divided the days into halves or fourths (!) to join everyone for as much as we could. Both families are 20 minutes away from each other, and a similar distance from our home, so this was doable.

Are the holidays stressful for you? Or do you find bliss under the Christmas lights? They can be. It is hard to balance the people-pleaser and the selfish-person in me. I see it with everyones families though. Whether the couple is dating, married, with kids, whatever--they have to divide or choose. We cannot be in two places at once. And its hard and often not enjoyable to spend the day separated.

rickylee244

We have it pretty easy because we only share one holiday, Thanksgiving, because my family is Catholic and his are Jewish.  However, for the past year or so we haven't gone back to see our families for the holidays.  He can't get the time off between Thankgiving and Christmas due to working in the retail market.   Also, it's been too expensive for us to fly.  (Our families live in different states, and then we live away).

Right now its not such a big deal, I miss the holidays at home but it was also nice to do our own thing.  When we start having children we will have our families for thanksgiving and then go to the respective families for Hanukkah and Christmas.

lennonkdc

Our holiday situation has also evolved over the past 8 years. If it was just an issue of dealing with parents, then we would be ok as we live 5 min from his and 10 min from mine. But add in his grandparents/family on both sides and my dad's side of the family (which my dad doesn't spend time with be I try to) which is spread all over the country but manages to be home for Thanksgiving, and it gets complicated. Typically we switch off on Thanksgiving- one year with his parent's and his mom's side in PA, the next with my parents and stop for desert at my uncles. Christmas Eve is when BF's parents celebrate, since BF is a late shopper I try to stop by my parents for a bit before xmas eve dinner, then we go to his parents house. Xmas morning we go back to my parents, then either stay there for the day or go to his dad's side who live about 1.5 hours away. 

Its always stressful and full of guilt tripping (99% from my side- True story the first year I went to PA to see his fam, I called home on Thanksgiving to say Hi and my sis informed me that my mom was just going to order Chinese food b/c what's the point in cooking if the 'whole family' wasn't there...) This year is going to be worse- neither of BF's siblings are coming home, and my sis has a serious BF with family in town too. So someone's parents are going to be left alone at some point and god help me if it mine...I shudder to think about how this is go down. 

NurseyK

Last year was a nightmare. I didn't think I'd have thanksgiving off, so I planned a turkey dinner for the day after for my family and Greg's parents. Well.... I ended up getting it off and just went with Greg to his Aunt's traditional party. My parents found out and were pissed that I didn't just go to theirs (2.5 hrs away).

Christmas eve I worked until 8pm, went to FI's sister's house, celebrated, drove to Phx late that night, spent Christmas morning with my parents, and then rushed to get to Greg's mom annual Christmas extravaganza back in Tucson.

It was a nightmare of traveling, no sleep, and guilt trips.

I am really not looking forward to this year. I have already asked my parents to make plans this far ahead of time so there aren't last minute changes and guilt trips.

thelamarrs

The easiest Holiday to deal with is Thanksgiving. One part of his family does Thanksgiving a week early, and then the other half celebrates on the day-of. I'lll eat with my family, but go to his house to watch the annual A&M v. UT game.

This last year for Christmas I did Christmas eve with my family, and Christmas day visiting his (both sides.... about 45 minutes away from each other.)

CCO2012

Last year was our first holidays as a couple. We did Thanksgiving separate and Christmas early in Kansas and actual Christmas here.

This year so far we are all meeting in Kansas City for Thanksgiving and we are going to do a big dinner together. Some of my family and some of his. If something comes up with his family, we will have a lunch on Thanksgiving in Kansas and our planned Thanksgiving with my family in Kansas City on the Black Friday. Depending on when he is off of work for Christmas will determine when and where we celebrate Christmas this year.

ETA: Easter isn't a huge deal for his family and he doesn't get time off of work around then so we just do that with my family.

jemmini6

The last two years, his aunt and uncle that live in town have hosted Thanksgiving at their house, which his parents drive up for (they live about 3 hours from us), so we took turns.  The first year, we ate dinner with his family, then drove to my parents house (they are in town also) and had dessert.  Then last year we ate dinner at my parents house and had dessert with his family.  It's been working out pretty well, so if his aunt/uncle continue to host, that's what we'll continue to do.

For Christmas, we've been driving down to his parents on Christmas Eve, spend the night, have Christmas morning with them, then drive back for 3 hours on Christmas day and spend the afternoon with my family.  This isn't ideal because I really don't like driving that long on Christmas Day, but it works for now.  We'll definitely have to rethink this arrangment when we have kids.

sparkles88

We typically had holidays with my mom. BF's step-mom is from Canada, so quite a bit of his parent's time is spent there. They would sometimes have dinners a few days early in celebration of that holiday, but they would fly out to Canada for the actual holiday. We spent the actual holiday with my mom since she only lived one hour away.

This year we are totally separate from everyone. BF's parents said they will be coming at Thanksgiving, but my mom won't be able to get time off of work. We might go back to Nevada during Christmas. It helps that our families live mostly in the same area, so we'll probably be able to see both of them if we visit.

SeaTea02

It has depended on the year. When we 1st started dating we would invited FIs mom and brother to our house. It is just the three of them. 

When FBIL was in a serious relationship he didn't come to my house. Now that they broke up, I expect he will come back. 

When FMIL was in any type of relationship she wouldn't come over. 

FMIL has FGMIL over for an early lunch on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day so we go to her house for that. For dinner, FI always comes to my family's house. 

Elle1036

Ugh.  Yeah, good question.  I actually got in a big fight with FMIL last year when I didn't come to their house on Christmas (due to a miscommunication with FI).  It ended with her crying and telling me that she just wanted to make sure I understood that they consider me family, etc.  It was pretty sweet, actually, but we weren't engaged yet so it threw me off.

Until last year, we pretty much did our own thing, but we made exceptions a couple times.  Also, we lived in the same city as FMIL and FFIL, so we were always at their house for "smaller" holidays (July 4th, New Year's Day, etc.)

This year...  I'm stumped.  I don't know what we're going to do.  Logically, we'll probably do Thanksgiving with whichever family has a bigger to-do for it, and then do Christmas with the other.  It makes me sad to think of missing either of those with my family, though.

motoLyn

My family actually has get togethers for the following, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's day, Father's Day, Memorial and Labor Day.  My family is actually pretty flexible with the exception of Christmas but it works out splendidly because FI"s family celebrates on Christmas Eve so we go and spend Christmas day with my family.  While Thanksgiving day is with FI's family and the day after Thanksgiving,. Black Friday is spent with mine.  The parents live about 50-60 miles apart from one another.  It usually works out because like I said my family doesn't mind celebrating father's day or mother's day on a Saturday or the weekend before or after.  So far things have worked out for themselves.  But FI and I live closer to his parents so I'm sure we'll be spending the smaller holidays with them. 

niknik15

My parent's have been divorced since I was really young so splitting up the holidays hasn't been an issue. My dad lives an hour and a half away and FI's parent's live 30 minutes from us. My mom's side of the family are an 8 hour drive.

Here is the breakdown:
New Year's - on our own usually partying with friends

Easter - usually go to church with FI's family

My birthday - always make a trip to see my little brother and sister (mom's side). I try to make it to where I can stay for all three of ours, but it depends on how the weekends fall. Our birthdays are May 13th, 15th, and 16th.

4th of July - my dad's family for sure

Thanksgiving - my FI's family usually has thanksgiving at his aunt's house which is only 30 minutes from my dad's so we usually visit both in one day.

Christmas - we spend Christmas eve and morning with FI's family and Christmas eve with my dad, then make the drive to visit my mom's side

elannis

Last year BF and I had our own Thanksgiving and Christmas close to the actual holidays and then he went to his family's Thanksgiving and I went to mine. Then he went to his family's Christmas and I went to my big family Christmas and he met up with me for my immediate family Christmas.

I wanted to be together for all holidays, but he doesn't want to leave his mom alone on holidays and she can't leave her hometown because she refuses to leave her brother alone on holidays. His uncle is in a nursing home this year with his other sister, but I don't know if that will change how things are done. I'd love for BF to come to my big family Christmas, but don't see how that is a possibility yet. We'll see.

pockysquirrel

I...don't know. O_o Last year was the first holiday season my BF and I were together, and we just decided to each go to our own family seperately. this year is another story entirely. I know we'd like to do both Thanksgiving and Christmas with both families in some way, but I haven't a clue how it'll shake out. Especially since both families make a big deal out of both holidays and both sets of parents get pretty possessive of having their kids around. I kind of go into deer-in-headlights mode thinking about it.

Thanksgiving has the potential to be easy, as long as my family does their dinner on Saturday instead of Thursday as they have in years past. Christmas is going to be the difficult part. The one thing we do have set in stone is doing an 'early Christmas' weekend with my dad's family at his timeshare in Hershey PA. So that'll take care of our holiday with them, plus give my BF the opportunity to FINALLY meet my stepsisters and my grandmother! 

Ollie08

We don't really have any issues with holidays. Most of FI's family is back in Wales, and his mom and brother live locally, so they usually just come to us. We've recently started hosting all holidays here, and then my mom will come with my little sister. My dad does his own thing with his new wife (but that's a whole different ball game).

csousa1

Usually we are pretty good about splitting up the holidays between BF's family and mine. Most of the time we spend the earlier part of Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas at his parents', and then head to my parents' for the later portion. Easter is a toss-up, and this year was actually the first time in years that I didn't have to work.


Confession - Of the two Christmases I have been with my BF, I have NOT enjoyed spending Christmas morning with him. I have a very soft spot for Christmas and I always get my hopes up, which are properly dashed when the reality of the holidays sets in. My BF, sister, FBIL and parents refer to it as my "Merry Christmas Meltdown". I learned this past year that my mom and sister have begun to develop techniques on how to break "bad news" to me around the holidays - like when it turns out a certain favorite aunt won't make it, or my sister ends up having to spend Christmas Eve at her IL's instead of with us. So keep this in mind.

Our first Christmas morning, I started off very excited. We had just recently moved in together, and we were going to spend the morning together, open presents, and then get ready and head off to family. We would set off to his mom's first, then head to my mom's afterward. I woke up early and started making cookies. I even put on the red lingerie I had bought for some Christmas morning nookie. I put the first batch in and was sure the smell of cookies would wake BF up. I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, around 10:30, he woke up. By now I have been up for a few hours and I am GRUMPY. I had tried to wake him up several times, to no avail. The cookies are done and packed away, the lingerie is OFF, and I am this close to calling of Christmas altogether. He wakes up, grumps around that we have to be at his mom's in an hour (they live 40 minutes away). We open presents in a huge rush, run around getting ready, and dash off to his mom's, where we are chided for being late. Less. Than. Stellar.

Last year, my grandfather died on Christmas Eve, so that helped nothing. BF was grumpy on Christmas morning that he wasn't with his family (they had gone to CA to cisit his brother and he skipped out for the first time in his life), which I can understand, but I was not pleased with his timing. In my mind, it was a Godsend that we didn't end up in CA for the holiday that my Grampa passed away. I just needed him to buck up and let his stuff go, but that was not easy for him.

I think the key this year is l-o-w e-x-p-e-c-t-a-t-i-o-n-s. If I keep getting my hopes up so high for the perfect holiday season, they will have nowhere to go but down. And I have to face the fact that I may need to compromise family time a little better. BUT, believe you me, BF and I will be having a chat about his attitudes on holidays - no Grinch allowed!

bsidebella

Well, now that FI's conversion is official, we want to start practicing the Jewish holidays at least at home just the two of us. Our rabbi suggested to establish new traditions in our household, we should start spending the holidays together. For the bigger holidays like Yom Kippur and for at least one night of Passover, we go see my grandparents.

Easter and Christmas are done with his parents. New Year's is always done with friends.

Our only snafu is Thanksgiving. Last year we did dinner with my grandparents and dessert with his parents. We might switch this year.

QuiltingNurse

Neither of our families do anything very special for Thanksgiving. This year BF's family is having a big celebration on Thanksgiving for his grandparents 50th anniversary. I assume I will be working since I always seem to work Holidays which I don't mind. 

My family lives 15 hours away driving so last year we flew down at the beginning of December and had our own little Christmas celebration then. We both worked over the actual holidays so we saw his family a few days later.

This year we booked our flight down for my family christmas at the beginning of the month, and invited my family up here for actual Christmas. If they come we're going to have a big celebration with both of our families together since they got along so well last time. If they don't come up we will just celebrate with his family and skype with mine. 

DanieKA

We don't split them up per se. Unless he's at work, we usually spend Christmas eve with my fam and and Christmas day with his mom. Thanksgiving he works, so I'm with my family. Um...I don't really do much for any other holiday with family. We did go to my parents labor day BBQ, but Thanksgiving and X-mas are the big ones. All other holidays we do our own thing as a couple, not really with family (fourth of july, Memorial day, New Years Eve, etc). 

polkadot111

It causes so much drama that sometimse we just split up and go to each of our famillies things. Like, if both parents are serving thanksgiving LUNCH instead of dinner, I'll go to mine and he'll go to his. We've done this I think 3 or so times since we started dating. Otherwise we go together. It sort of depends on who is going to be there.

bawidget

This puts me in mind of the vicar of dibley's Christmas Lunch incident where she has to go eat lunch with 5 seperate groups of friends. To get off topic: :et's enjoy some British humor :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvfFpdIFTsI