Not Engaged Yet

Thanks :)

Thanks guys. FI and I have talked a lot over this holiday and really good things have come out of it. I won't go into details, but know that we've agreed to premarital counseling and are working on things with a better understanding of each other (product of a long, long, long, conversation). The worst is behind us. Your words hit both of us where we needed it most. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.  

Re: Thanks :)

  • Also, please don't quote. I will probably dd since FI knows I'm on here a lot.
  • I need more information than this.  What are you fighting about?  Why is it constant?  How have you been communicating about your disagreements?

    It's disturbing that your FI would choose to sleep all day rather than communicate with you.  When are you getting married?
  •  I would apologize and then try to figure out why he is still upset through talking to him.  

     

    It sounds like your communication isn't too good right now.  Is there something that is making you unhappy?  I would have an honest talk with your FI and try to figure out if he is unhappy and about what and what you are unhappy about and how you are going to fix it.  

    GL.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • OP was talking it out with her FI. It seems to be that we're fighting about a ton of things. The latest one was because I stayed out late last night at a party that I invited him to, but he didn't want to go. I didn't text him between 2 and 3 am and that really pissed him off, understandably so. Monday we fought about similar things, me going out and staying out later than I told him I was going to. I told him just now that I feel guilty when I'm out having a good time with my friends and he's sitting at home by himself. It ruins almost every night out, which I don't get often. Some of our other fights have been about little things and some have been about big things. One of the big things is that he doesn't think I care about him anymore because I blow him off and don't listen when he talks or want to spend time with him. We really talked that one out, lots of tears and being vulnerable and such. I've talked with a counselor about it last week and she helped me unpack it. I'm going through a ton of stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with my FI, but it's all coming out on him because he's who I see all the time and the person I'm most vulnerable with.
  • Oh, and turns out he wasn't sleeping to avoid me, I asked him about that too. He drank a lot last night too and had a long day at work.
  • You shouldn't be feeling guilty at all about staying out later, especially if you aren't able to go out very often. And not talking to him for an hour when you're out with your friends? Completely reasonable. You need time to yourself or with your own friends that has nothing to do with him. It's good for you.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-have-a-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71bf36e4-e9ea-4776-b7c3-476173cbfe6ePost:4d98ecd5-7a0d-4c53-9457-4fd17eb391f8">Re:Fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP was talking it out with her FI. It seems to be that we're fighting about a ton of things. The latest one was because<strong> I stayed out late last night at a party</strong> that I invited him to, but he didn't want to go. I didn't text him between 2 and 3 am<strong> </strong>and that really pissed him off, understandably so. Monday we fought about similar things, me going out and staying out later than I told him I was going to. I told him just now that I<strong> feel guilty when I'm out having a good time with my friends and he's sitting at home by himself. It ruins almost every night out, which I don't get often.</strong> Some of our other fights have been about little things and some have been about big things. <strong>One of the big things is that he doesn't think I care about him anymore because I blow him off and don't listen when he talks or want to spend time with him. </strong>We really talked that one out, lots of tears and being vulnerable and such. I've talked with a counselor about it last week and she helped me unpack it. I'm going through a ton of stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with my FI, but it's all coming out on him because he's who I see all the time and the person I'm most vulnerable with.
    Posted by AnonAE[/QUOTE]

    1. I find it strange that you staying out late is causing so many fights. And you shouldn't be feeling guilty for going out and having fun with your friends. Its healthy to have separate friends and lives. If he is happy being at home and doesn't want to go out that is his choice. And if he isn't happy being at home alone he needs to make more of an effort to get out.

    2. It sounds like he is feeling insecure in your relationship. Without knowing the details of your relationship it's hard to give advice on how to fix that. It sounds like something that will take a lot of communication to work through.

    So from what you've told us my advice would be to stop apologizing and perhaps give him a day or two before brining up his insecurity. Try to talk to him without it turning into a fight. Ask him what solutions he sees to this problem - how can you make him feel as though you care about him.


  • It sounds like he doesn't trust you...

    I would get into pre-marriage counseling ASAP.  I would not continue towards marriage under these conditions. 
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  • Sorry you're dealing with this.  I agree with pretty much all of the advice posted above.  Regardless of whether you're fighting for significant or insignificant reasons, you need to learn how to fight productively and without hurting each other if your relationship is going to go the distance.

    All relationships go through rough patches.  It's how you deal with it that matters.  Good luck.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I can't say we've ever fought for more than a day, and it was over really stupid things like Mac v. PC. I don't think I could stay with someone whom I fought with for several weeks.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-have-a-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71bf36e4-e9ea-4776-b7c3-476173cbfe6ePost:96149a91-31b1-4f27-a12f-5f7c6babeae1">Re: Fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't say we've ever fought for more than a day, and it was over really stupid things like Mac v. PC. I don't think I could stay with someone whom I fought with for several weeks.
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    <div>I feel this way too.</div>
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  • Couseling is good. But in terms of fighting, I will make this suggestion. Learn how to fight with your SO. It's an odd way of putting it, but it will save so many nights yelling and crying, trust me. FI and I have learned that we have to talk things out after the fact. When we're both mad or upset nothing gets accomplished. When we're both calm, we can actually see things from the other's point of view. FI was always the kind of person to shove things under the rug and that led to some massive emotional blowouts, but since we've developed a way to sort through our own emotions first before talking things out, we haven't had any major fights since. We have times when we're at each other's throats, but once one of us steps away and sees that there is an underlying cause to our curtness, we talk about the things that are bothering us.

    This approach doesn't work for everyone, but definitely learn how to fight. Try to think of the last time you guys had a fight that didn't end with both of you more upset and bitter than when you started and think about why that fight ended the way it did. What steps got you there. How did you approach things. It'll help you develop the "right way" to fight with your SO. Everyone is different.

    Also, hokey as it sounds, try looking up the 5 love languages. Really hokey sounding, I know, but good stuff held therein. Helps ya see from SO's POV.
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