Not Engaged Yet

N00B HERE

I've been creeping for a while and I think I may have finally found a way to ask the question that's on my mind.

Even though I know that my boyfriend of five years does want to marry me I don't think it will ever happen because he's so bad with money. The worst part is that he only has to buy a ring, my family is going to pay for the wedding. He's really stubborn and  traditional about the whole thing and has a specific type of ring in mind but at this rate it's going to take him 10 years to scrape together the means to afford it.

I'm torn right now parts of me think that if he was really serious he'd stop buying video games and crap and just save the money already. And other parts of me want to just shake him and yell that the ring doesn't matter I just want to be his wife. We can wander down to town hall tomorrow and call it a day.

Any advice, suggestions?
Thanks In Advance.

Re: N00B HERE

  • edited December 2011
    Well first I wouldn't marry someone who was irresponsible with his money, but I can sympathize.  When I met my FI we both had some bad money habits; ordering out food all the time, buying gadgets (him) and going to the bar all the time (me).  But then we realized we had bigger goals in mind, buckled down, saved some money and bought a condo, saved up enough to satisfy our travel lust and plan a wedding.  It can be done.  You just need to talk to him about money and your mutual goals for it.
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with NQB.

    Its funny, I just had a similar convo with SO about a savings plan, setting a goal, and deciding on what we really want to work to save for.
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    TALK TO HIM!

    Having problems or bad habits handling money is not a solid basis for any future endeavor. Whether it's marriage, or buying a house, or having kids, or taking a vacation, or retiring someday and being able to still put food on your table -- handling money responsibly is ESSENTIAL.

    So, instead of being confrontational or bringing up your ring, try mentioning that you're worried about being able to buy a house, a new car, whatever. Tell him you want both of you to start forming better habits when it comes to your joint finances. Then, to get him motivated, suggest working out a financial plan with the reward of buying something fun. Like a big screen TV, a vacation...something you BOTH want.

    Look at all of your expenses, your debt, and what you can afford to save. Paying off debt is most important. But even if it's $5 a week, you can still save toward your fun thing.

    If he can't find a way to be responsible with money with something big and fun as motivation, I would then seriously reconsider a future with this guy.

    Suze Orman's The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke is full of tools and tips to help you with this kind of stuff. I highly recommend it.

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  • edited December 2011
    The worst part is that he only has to buy a ring, my family is going to pay for the wedding.

    Money for the ring/wedding is the least of your problems.

    The fact that you want to marry someone with irresponsible spending habits is the real problem. Money is the number one reason that couples get divorced. 

    You need to talk to him ASAP about how you plan to deal with finances in the future.  When do you want to buy a house? How much do you want to save for retirement? How much do you need to save each month for each of these things? How are you going to handle mutual expenses when you are married?

    I would work this out before you even contemplate marrying this guy.
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  • edited December 2011
    You really need to dicuss how finances are going to work between you two before you even think about marrying him. Like noelle said money problems is one the top things that couples fight about and why people get divorced.

    What's going to happen when the two of you want to buy a house, new car, have kids, etc.? If he refuses to be more financially responsible I'd take a second look at the relationship and reconsider my future with him.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_n00b-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:78d314a6-65ce-403a-8ccb-2afcc172bb64Post:7a85d4af-1445-4e61-aa68-879246b636f7">N00B HERE</a>:
    [QUOTE]if he was really serious he'd stop buying video games and crap and just save the money already.
    Posted by Puffin_[/QUOTE]

    You just answered your own question.

    I went through the same thing. Every time we spent money, I'd cringe because he was supposed to be saving money for a ring. It just wasn't happening.

    When FI was ready, he figured it out himself. He just had to be REALLY ready.

    However, don't ignore pp's advice to talk in-depth about money with your BF. That is so important, and you both need to work together.

    I'll just echo this: "If he can't save for a ring.... then what about the bigger stuff?"
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah we've done almost a 180 on money in the past year so it can be done.  Young Fabulous and Broke that someone suggested was one of the first books I read about personal finance that really got me started thinking about my goals.  That was before I met my FI and it convinced me to start saving for retirement outside my pension. 

    I still had some bad habits but when I met FI we both just got so excited about the future we crafted a plan to make it happen.  Build up an emergency find, save at least 10% of your salary for retirement, budget budget budget.  You'll be shocked what you can accomplish in a year.

    Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach is also a great book for inspiration.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
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  • edited December 2011

    I think you already know why he isnt buying the ring.. because you said it himself, if he was serious (esp after 5 years) then he wouldve saved up the money and bought it already... as much as i dont want to say this... he may be hiding behind his money problems because he may not be ready to get married anytime soon....

  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Just weighing, this is what I do all day at my job. Financial advice, not lurk The Knot, well I do that too. Anyways, when I have the clients putting together a budget, I first make them pull 90 days of banking, CC  and ATM withdrawls. You should ideally do this together. Most people are STUNNED when they find out how much money they are just wasting. Starbucks here, dinner out there... It adds up. But if there was something big that you would like as a couple, then he might be more open it. 
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