Life changes and relationships

Elle1036

I was chatting with Raven earlier and I mentioned that my relationship with FI has been a little off since we moved to MS. I guess that's understandable since pretty much everything (our location, daily schedule, and financial situation) has changed.

Then I thought about it some more, and realized that we also went through a rough patch just after we moved to Houston from Baton Rouge 3 years ago. That time was much worse -- it was the only time we've really come close to breaking up.

So my question for you guys is: what major life changes have you and your SO weathered together, and how did they affect your relationship? Is this something I should try to deal with actively, or should I just be patient and give the dust some more time to settle?

becunning2

My relationship almost fell apart several times--several--during his study abroad in Switzerland. Completely irrational, but I really felt like he was abandoning me. I would never have waited for him if he were someone else, but I was an emotional wreck about it. A wreck.  And I went BSC because he left me, alone, in the United States so he could go and have this adventure without me--without being able to commit to me.  May have gone off the deep end. But we got through it--and we had a lovely trip together through Europe, which was really nice. And we managed to patch things up nicely, but it took awhile to get back into the swing of things.

csousa1

That depends entirely on what it is doing to you inside. If it is something that is tearing you up, then you have to address it - there would be no "panning out" in the scenario. But if you both need time to process some changes, then letting it lie for a while might be wise.

For me, the biggest life change we went through was BF's best friend dying. I'm sure the fact that it came in conjunction with his parents almost breaking up did not help either. He went through a lot with all of that, and was not as up front with me as I would have liked - he held a lot inside and I felt like he was holding me at arm's length. After almost a year, he finally came clean to me that the death and near divorce had him totally freaked out about the future. Not that he was doubting our relationship or being with me, he was just suddenly afraid.... of everything. That he might lose me, that I might die, that we might have kids that would die, that he might turn out to be an awful father and husband and cause me a lot of pain - the list goes on.

The night that he finally blurted all of this out, I was not in good space to receive the information. All I knew at the time was that the man I loved had pulled the rug out from underneath me and changed all of our plans - all I heard was, "I don't want to marry you." I was so raw I blocked out the full message he was trying to send me. It took me a while to let the truth of his feelings sink in.

I guess the lesson that I took away from all of this is that communication is important. That is sort of obvious, but sometimes, when we are feeling hurt or emotionally  vulnerable or so absorbed in our insecurities about the changes in our lives, we don't absorb information from our loved ones the way that we should. Also, we each have different demons we are battling throughout our lives - for me, low self esteem is a big one. It was easy for me to believe he just no longer loved me as much, when that was never the truth. It took me a while, but I realized that BF was not an insensitive jerk that changed his mind about me, but rather an incredibly sensitive guy that wants to have his head right and work to give me - and us - everything that we deserve out of the relationship that we consider the center of our lives.

For me, I needed the time to let the dust settle so that I could absorb that useful lesson. However, I was so torn up inside I also could not just let it go easily. I worked it out by writing down everything I was feeling in a notebook - BF would read it from time to time and we would have conversations about it, as calmly as possible. It differs in every situation, but I'm sure you guys will find what works for you.

If you read my essay, you get an A. Whew!

elannis

I agree that it depends on how much it's bothering you. If it's a lot, then I'd say something, but if you think it's just something where you guys need to get settled and it'll end up fine like the last time, then I could see waiting. Maybe you could try a few things to spice it up? Surprise him with something really sweet or just make an extra effort somewhere and hopefully he'll start doing the same and things will go back to normal?

ladyredgravedmc3

we experienced our first rough patch around the middle of may earlier this year.  bf and i had finally moved into our own place, so we were not living in a crowded house anymore, which was a relief.  with bf working all the time, i went out and picked out a kitten.  when he got home that night we had our first real argument.  and it took a good three months to recover from it.  we hit another snag when i asked him what he thought about getting married and i discovered that he does not want to get married anytime soon because he is afraid that if he does, his marriage will explode in flames and end like his parents did.  bf moved me 80 miles away from my family and friends, and i do admit that a small part of me is resentful that we now live by his friends and family.  and that bit of resentment flares up when he talks about us moving to louisiana so he can work a job that keeps him away from home for 2 weeks at a time.  it is just hard when he is literally the only friend and family member i have nearby, and the only one i have had for 8 months.  but it just takes time to adjust and work through it, and if we can just work through it, then we are good.

loves2shop4shoes

FI and I have weathered quite a bit.

1)  My father's 3rd marriage.

2)  A major fight between my mom and me.

3)  2 Severe depressions (on my part)

4)  1st year of law school

5)  A mutual friend's suicide

6)  Financial difficulties

7)  Extensive surgery (on FI's part)

In big deal situations, you can talk about it...but talking too much can make it worse.  You need to make sure that both partners understand each other at all times and are on the same page.  Both partners need to support each other.  And so, with big deals in life, once you are on the same page, you can start the process of getting through the difficulty both as a team and as individuals.

So my advice to you is to make sure you communicate enough with your FI to voice your feelings and make sure you're on the same page.  Then just give it some time...the dust will settle.  Sometimes the greatest consolation comes from silence and a hand holding.  KWIM?

Hope that helps. 

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes-relationships?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:793cbd2b-d89a-482e-ba13-c7f1243cee70Post:41b1167c-88d3-48fa-ac4e-fb6f39efc7a6">Re: Life changes and relationships</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>bf moved me</strong> 80 miles away from my family and friends, and i do admit that a small part of me is resentful that we now live by his friends and family.  and that bit of resentment flares up when he talks about us moving to louisiana so he can work a job that keeps him away from home for 2 weeks at a time.  it is just hard when he is literally the only friend and family member i have nearby, and the only one i have had for 8 months.  but it just takes time to adjust and work through it, and if we can just work through it, then we are good.
Posted by KittyStein[/QUOTE]

Did he physically pick you up and move you? Were you FORCED to move? Probably not. Almost two years ago I moved 800 miles, then we moved another 700 miles, then we moved another 450 miles to be with my bf. I left all of my friends in the first town and have not really made friends in the other cities (we weren't in any place long enough). I haven't lived near my family in years so that's no biggie.

I bring this up because at one point I was resentful that I had sold a bunch of "my" stuff to move to his place. A friend of mine gave me very good advice, "Get over it NOW, or leave. YOU made the decision to sell your furniture. He didn't make you."

Resentment like that can really eat at you and your relationship. If you are feeling this way about moving 80 miles (an hour and half?!?) I think you need to really consider your next steps with your bf. It's not fair to him to just go along with a move and then be resentful about it. No one wins that way. You both deserve better.

paintgirl

Elle - I moved to live with BF two years ago. We have moved twice since for a total of an almost cross-country move. That included two job changes for him. Oh and we've each sold a house (which we owned individually) and then we bought a house together. So we've had a little stress.

I will say the issue that has caused the most stress is his career and the job changes. One job was crazy stressful and it put a lot of pressure on our home life too.

Our mutual moves actually brought us closer together (except looking for a house - wowza) but I think that's because we only had each other when we got to the new cities. In our current area, we know one couple but we both knew them before we moved here.

I agree with whoever said to bring it up if it is really bothering you and affecting your daily life and feelings. It might just take a few months to get settled though. All relationships have these ups and downs. I'd let him know you're feeling a little off and just see what he says. Maybe he feels it too and there's an easy resolution.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes-relationships?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:793cbd2b-d89a-482e-ba13-c7f1243cee70Post:41b1167c-88d3-48fa-ac4e-fb6f39efc7a6">Re: Life changes and relationships</a>:
[QUOTE]we experienced our first rough patch around the middle of may earlier this year.  bf and i had finally moved into our own place, so we were not living in a crowded house anymore, which was a relief.  <strong>with bf working all the time, i went out and picked out a kitten.</strong>  when he got home that night we had our first real argument.  and it took a good three months to recover from it. 

we hit another snag when i asked him what he thought about getting married and <strong>i discovered that he does not want to get married anytime soon</strong> because he is afraid that if he does, his marriage will explode in flames and end like his parents did. 

bf <strong>moved me</strong> 80 miles away from my family and friends, and i do admit that a small part of me is resentful that we now live by his friends and family.  and that bit of resentment flares up when he talks about us moving to louisiana so he can work a job that keeps him away from home for 2 weeks at a time.  it is just hard when he is literally the only friend and family member i have nearby, and the only one i have had for 8 months.  but it just takes time to adjust and work through it, and if we can just work through it, then we are good.
Posted by KittyStein[/QUOTE]

You got a kitten without talking to him about it?  Wow.  Just wow. 

So you moved in with someone without actually talking about where your relationship was going? 

Did he physically move you?  Did you have no input in your own decision to move? 

Yeah, I'm gonna go with the OP not really listening to your advice. 


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TheMutleys

Elle, I think that when life changes happen, it is only normal for the relationship to go through a period of growth.  I think it is important to focus on the growth that comes, and not the growing pains.  I do think that when the growing pains become greater than the actual growth, then the couple needs to take a step back and see how they are actually dealing with the change. 

I also think that HOW a couple deals with life changes says a lot about the couple.  Do you function as a team?  Do you withdraw from each other?  Do you guys have different coping techniques?  Do you both acknowledge that whatever is going on is temporary or do you both think it is more permanent? 

DH and I have been through a ton of life changes.  Some of them occured very early on in our relationship.  My biggest comfort through the changes was knowing that we were a team.  I never felt alone during the tough times.  I never felt like the obstacle was too great because we were in it together.  (Cheesy, but true)  I also knew that when things were sh!t that there was no one else I would rather go through the sh!t with.  I can say that without a doubt that ever change brought us closer or taught us something about ourselves.  When we knew changes were coming (aka kids), we talked a lot about what our expectations were for ourselves and for each other.  When we are in those life change moments, we let each other know if we need more support or less.  I don't expect him to be a mind reader, so I lay out exactly what I need from him. 

I am all for dealing with it actively.  I don't think that anything can be lost by opening up the channels of communication.  There isn't anything that I feel like I cannot say to my husband, and he to me.  Currently, I have no sex drive.  I wish I did, but I just don't.  I brought it up to him because I am aware of it and didn't want him to feel like I wasn't or that I am actually okay with it.  I told him point blank that I wish I did and that I am sorry that I don't right now.  I told him that I still think he is hot stuff but I am just done these days.  He immediately alleviated any guilt that I was feeling by assuring me that he knows that I am exhausted/have a ton on my plate and that his drive takes a dip when he doesn't get enough sleep.  He also went a step further and told me that he has been looking for a housekeeper to come once a week.  I jokingly asked him if that was his way of paying for sex.  Haha.

Elle1036

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. As far as how much it's bothering me, it's not that bad. It's not putting me into a depression or causing me to consider leaving the relationship; I'm simply not enjoying the relationship as much as I'm accustomed to. I know we'll get through it.

TheMutleys

I guess I don't understand what you mean when you say that you are not enjoying the relationship as much you are used to.  I am sorry that you feel that way though.  I think that just acknowledging you feel that way might help you to look at why you feel that way. 

Elle1036

I'm typing on my phone so I guess I'm not explaining things fully in the interest of brevity. Things are just... weird right now. I think the best description is that there's just an absence of the closeness I usually feel. We've both got a lot on our minds, and I don't feel like we're very "together". We're not fighting or anything, just a little off. Does that make sense?

thelamarrs

The hardest times were when BF first went to college (I was still in HS) and when I first went to college.

I was very jealous and unpleasent and BF threatened to leave if I kept making him miserable. And then, I don't know why, but it was hard when we were first in school. 

thelamarrs

I hope everyone going through hard times now gets better and bearable.

And good luck to everyone who are dealing with school. 

karlee4ever

Elle, FI (hehehehehe) are going thru the same thing. He moved to be with me and we are both far from home. He HATES his job and hates this town. Its so hard sometimes. We just have to check in once in a while. On tues i cleaned his house and he was so appreciative and felt a lil better. Then we talked and i said we are in this for us right? Someday we will move back home together. Kind of like mutley said. Remember youre a team and have goals and dreams together. People can lose sight some times. Hang in there Kitty... I think there would be a huge issue to feel like HE moved you. It would kill me if i knew my FI felt like i did "this" to him (relocated to a place he hates). It was our decision. Maybe bad choice of words?

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes-relationships?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:793cbd2b-d89a-482e-ba13-c7f1243cee70Post:a9145b6e-53eb-46b4-800f-71db6f96d327">Re: Life changes and relationships</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm typing on my phone so I guess I'm not explaining things fully in the interest of brevity. Things are just... weird right now. I think the best description is that there's just an <strong>absence of the closeness I usually feel</strong>. We've both got a lot on our minds, and I don't feel like we're very "together". We're not fighting or anything, just a little off. Does that make sense?
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

That was my biggest issue with the stuff that BF and I went through. The weirdness between us and feeling distant from him was the worst part. It will change - I'm sure you know that, having been through another big life change together and coming through it. Make an effort to get closer to him - either by a sweet gesture or asking to talk about things - and I'm sure he will relax into closeness with you pretty quickly. We naturally want to be close to one another in life-partner relationships, so when one person opens that door again, we go with it. 

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes-relationships?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:793cbd2b-d89a-482e-ba13-c7f1243cee70Post:a9145b6e-53eb-46b4-800f-71db6f96d327">Re: Life changes and relationships</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm typing on my phone so I guess I'm not explaining things fully in the interest of brevity.

Things are just... weird right now. I think the best description is that there's just an absence of the closeness I usually feel. We've both got a lot on our minds, and I don't feel like we're very "together". We're not fighting or anything, just a little off.

Does that make sense?
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

That makes sense.  I think that in your situation it is probably very normal.  You've both moved to a new area.  He is in a high stress field.  You are both out of your comfort zones.  This may sound weird, but I wonder if there are any forums for significant others of people in medical school. 

If I was in your situation, I would plan a date night.  I would think of something that made me feel like our old home and something that makes me excited to be where we live now.  I might make a favorite meal from home, and pick up a local dessert.  It might make a scavenger hunt for us to do together. 

Basically, I would find a way to try to get over the hump, even if it felt a little forced.

I also think that it is normal to feel like you are both so consumed with everyday life crap that there is a disconnect.  Have you actually said "Hey, it seems like we both have so much on our minds.  I miss you."? I think that people forget that we can miss someone who is in the same room if it feels like we are in different worlds. 

polkadot111

When FI was jobless and we had to move the wedding back... twice... that was when we hit our biggest rough patches. We got through them, obviously, but they do stink.

desertsun

My H and I have been through some job changes and short distance moves together. But not like a death among our family or friends or any major kind of trauma. I don't think that makes our relationship any less strong or valid than relationships where people have been through all kinds of tough stuff, though. I think it's a fallacy that going through tough things NECESSARILY makes your relationship better.

I think the quality of your relationship lies more in how strong your foundation is and if you are with the right person for you. And sometimes you can establish that more quickly when you undergo stress together.

But I do also think that people cling to the wrong relationship and the wrong person through all kinds of situations. That doesn't make the relationship happy, or the wrong person right.

JMO.

desertsun

And Elle, I think it's natural for relationships to go through phases.

Try planning a couple date nights for times when neither of you has anything big the next day so you can relax. I think sometimes, relationship maintenance just means working to create some opportunities to reconnect, and then just trying to relax and enjoy time together without a lot of pressure. It's hard to reconnect if you're trying to push it. But if you both relax, I think it will just happen. So you just have to create situations conducive to that happening. Does that make sense? No need to worry or make a big deal of things yet. Just try to be patient and see what happens.

If the mood seems right, you can of course always try to have a low key conversation. "Hey hon, I've been feeling a little distance lately. Is it just me?" Or just something simple like, "I've been missing you lately and I can't wait to have you all to myself on our date night."

So, that's my long way of saying, I think you should do both: take some small steps, but also try to just be patient and see what happens. Things don't have to be perfect all the time; it's what makes those times when you feel so connected and happy meaningful!

GL and please keep us updated!

paintgirl

I love the date night suggestion! My bf and I have started a Friday night date night where I meet him at his office (in the "big city") and we go out for dinner. We take turns choosing the restaurant and since we are new to town, try to go to a different place every time. It gives us something fun to look forward to, one person gets to plan the location, and we get to look good together. (My bf loves his jeans and Tshirts on the weekends. If I want him dressed up - even khakis - I have to catch him after work.) 

NurseyK

Everything that Desert said is what I was thinking.

Not every minute of every relationship (friendships included) or always happy. I wouldn't push the issue... see what happens.... but also plan some quality time together. Can he do a night or two away in the near future? Can you take him on a little trip somewhere?

kellyt89

BF and I went from almost living together during the first 8 months of our relationship to what has now been 4 months of long distance, only seeing each other once a month (we have 2 months to go before I move to Boston, where he's going to grad school, woohoo!). It's definitely changed our relationship dynamic. We're both really physically affectionate people and it's been hard to have no physical contact for weeks at a time. But I think it has made us stronger and we'll appreciate being together next year even more.

I think it's totally normal to feel a little disconnect after major life changes. I loved everything desert said, it might feel really nice to have a "date night," even if that just means ordering takeout, watching a movie and cuddling to remind you both that you can grow together during this change and lean on each other no matter what. Good luck with everything