Would I have made the same decision? (Long, Shameful Post. Only read if you are deserately bored.)

lunarsongbird

I don't make very much money right now. And I'm a temp. I love my job- but those facts remain.

Would I have made the decision to buy a house at this very point in my life? Probably not. My budget is simple- Weight Watchers, Gym, Medical Insurance, Visa Bill, Gas for the Car, Auto Insurance, and Furniture payment (since Andrew wanted to do 12 months like cash financing).

If I give Andrew the rest of my income for the mortgage, utilities, cable, ect- I will literally have nothing left. I won't be able to save up to go and visit my parents- I won't be able to buy the winter coat and winter shoes that I need. I certainly won't be able to buy groceries.

Yesterday, when I found out I got approved for medical insurance, but it was going to be $175 a month, Andrew responded, "Wow- it seems like you can contribute less and less to the househould everyday."

Yup. It stung. (I don't think he meant it...but it stung, nonetheless- and of course- he was off to work and we were unable to talk about it).

I suppose I could give up Weight Watchers and the Gym, but you know that I adore those things...and they keep me busy/sane when I'm alone in the evenings and Andrew is gone at work. It's really the only thing that makes our lifestyle choice (opposite shifts) tolerable. And when it starts snowing in the winter (or next week??)- I won't really be able to walk outside very much.

I can drop my Visa down to a minimum payment and when I get hired on full time with a raise- then I could consider paying more. I'm not really sure not accepting health insurance is a solution.

But here is the thing- Andrew makes quite a bit more money then I do. And I have no idea how to divide up the finances. Because he makes more money and it was his decision to buy the home- Should he pay more? As it stands- our financial agreement (pay as much as I possibly can)- makes me feel indebted to him. It also makes me wonder what I bring to the table in this relationship....He bought this fabulous house- and what do I bring?

Of course I'm desperate to talk to him about this, but because of our stupid schedules- I probably won't even get the chance to talk to him about it until tomorrow.

So- I know I should be beyond excited right now for the house...but I'm just feeling a bit insecure at the moment.

How would you divide up the finances?

(Please be gentle- I've had a long night.)

lennonkdc

Ok, I will reply more when I have time, but for now, I am sending you hugs and letting you know I understand how you feel. Hang in there kiddo!

becunning2

Awwwww, hugs Lunar!  That was really very lame of him to suggest that you're not contributing.

Have you two talked about how you'll set up/share finances when you're married? You two are a team, and you should be contributing as a team--that doesn't mean, in my opinion, that one person has no extra spending money, can't afford health insurance, and gets demeaned (even unintentionally) about how you're not contributing... while you can't even save up to go visit your folks! Not fair!  

Paying the minimum balance on a CC bill won't help you OR Andrew in the long run either.

You definitely need to talk about him... and it sucks that you have to wait, but you guys should definitely address your current finances and talk about your future ones if you haven't already. It's not like you're unemployed--you just up and moved across the country without a job--and found one quick, that you love, that can lead to nontemporary employment! You're a rockstar in my book!

Hazel_B

In your case, I think dividing finances should be simple. Using made-up numbers, if he makes 70K and you made 30K, then he should pay 70 percent and you should pay 30 percent. That's how my FI and I have divided things and we revisit it every once and awhile. So, it is doable but you both need to address the realities of what each individual needs.

I don't think giving up the gym, WW or health insurance is the right way to go for you. I think you need to access these things on your own though. You've learned the basics of WW now, so you could keep going on your own. Do you need the meetings? I know I do, so that wouldn't be an option for me. Gyms - is there a cheaper one around? is it possible to use a gym during the winter and get outside during the summer for you?

All that being said, you should have discussed finances before buying the house. A house is way more expensive than you'd ever guess it to be (atleast that is what I discovered). What is done is done though, you need to sit down with Andrew.

Hazel_B

Oh, I agree with becunning, do NOT go to a minimum payment on your CC, it'll only make things worse.

Ollie08

I agree with everyone so far, particularly Hazel. If you're not interested in combining finances at this point, then you should be splitting based on percentages of income. I think it's unfair for him to say something like that especially considering you moved to a different state with him and left everything behind.

{{{hugs}}} I hope things work out.

QuiltingNurse

Don't give up the things that you do for yourself, it could lead to you resenting Andrew because you had to give them up just to keep him happy. Also, paying less on your credit card would not be a good idea now, better to pay it off sooner and be free of the debt later on.

It sounds like you are in the same position I was in just a few months ago. Bf bought our house, its easily affordable for him, but for me it seemed impossible. He had no debt, all of his money was just sitting in the bank waiting to be spent, I have a loan out on my car still, plus I had next to nothing in the bank at the time, every month was a struggle. I did get on full time at my job, and now I have money to spare but its still much easier financially as he makes a significant amount more than I do. The system we worked out for now is BF pays the mortgage and I pay the other bills. Every month I pay water, hydro, gas, cable, and anything else that may come up. I did buy most of the furniture but that was mostly because I did have a little bit of extra money and it made me feel like I was contributing since he had just made the downpayment. 

We do consider this to be OUR home, not his home just because he owns it and pays the majority of it. This works well for us, and we both feel like we are contributing a fair amount. Maybe this type of arrangement would be best for you until you are more established in your job?

loves2shop4shoes

HUGS.

That's a tough pill to swallow.  I know, because I'm swallowing a very similar pill right now.  I'm waitressing and applying for jobs because I decided to take time off from law school.  FI is still working full time.

I'm desperate to find a job, but in the meantime, I can pay my household bills, but can't contribute much, if anything, to the Wedding Fund.  We have over $10,000 due in bills within the next 9 months and it's really stressing me out. 

I feel like a failure and like I've let myself and FI down by doing this.  It would absolutely crush me if FI made a comment to me like Andrew made to you.

So, I can totally relate.  But what I think you need to do is call Andrew.  Arrange to meet him.  If he's unavailable to meet, then just talk on the phone.  And tell him that you're really hurt by what he said and you're trying your best.  What more would he like from you.

Take it from there.

[Deleted User]

Aw Lunar, I'm so sorry you're feeling "insecure" about your financial situation. Owning a home is a much larger expense than you think going into it. I purchased my condo on my own, but that doesn't mean I didn't have months where I felt like "What the heck was I thinking?"

It is important for you to discuss all of this with Andrew. Sorry you have to wait until tomorrow to do that, but maybe it will give you some time to come up with a plan. If you make a budget for yourself, it may help Andrew to see where you're coming from. Then maybe the two of you can make some compromises. Can he put more towards the home? Can you find a less expensive gym membership? Is paying off debt a priority for your both?

I've not yet had to figure out joint finances with BF since we do not live together. I will say though, that my being the bigger earner in the relationship has been something we've discussed at length. It's important to be open and honest with each other so no one feels like the buden or the sole provider. The more open you are with each other, the more likely you'll come up with a plan you both can live with.

*hugs!*

lennonkdc

Ok, most of the ladies have covered the basics- don't make minimum payment, give up gym, WW or HI and talk this out asap.

Some have touched on the non-monetary things that you bring to the relationship, and I think that this is key. As you know BF and I are in a similar situation, as I had been out of work for about a year. We sat down and looked at a written out list of not only at our bills, but also at the housework/ chores (laundry, cleaning, cooking, ect) These things made up the responsibilities that "Team Us" had to fulfill in order to keep the team running smoothly. So we divided them up according to time and funds availably. At that point, I had more time, he had more money, so the housework fell to me, bills fell to him. It has worked wonders for us. 

Since you have some time before you and Andrew can sit and talk this out, I would suggest that you put such a list together, list out what you both can bring in- both monetary and non-monetary, and go from there. 

And remember- Nothing in a relationship is ever as simple as 50/50, sometimes when one person is up the other might be down. The important thing is that you stick together and work as a Team. 

CCO2012

BF and I had a very similar conversation last night. We are putting in an offer for the house tonight, and BF is a little nervous. He had the $ for the down payment and will be paying for all the inspections etc.

I am currently paying my tuition out of pocket so I just don't have the money to help right now. I reassured BF that I will be contributing more when I can and that he should not feel too worried. I think he was just insecure that he has helped me pay off debt and is supporting me through college this semester and he doesn't want me to leave. I told him that was ridiculous and I am not going anywhere ever.

 I think boys are just as insecure as women sometimes, but far less effective at expressing their fears.

Good luck and many hugs your way!!!!

[Deleted User]

DH and I were/are the opposite.  I make the majority of the money, and he has a bunch of student loans that we're paying off.

but we're a team.  it's not, what percent will you pay because you make this much, and DANG you can't contribute much!

we combine our finances, and once they're combined, that's it.  we pay the bills, put a bunch of money towards the student loans, and live off the rest of our budget.  if he needs clothes, we get him clothes.  if I need clothes, then I get them.   if he wants some spending money to go out to eat with the guys and watch the game, then if we have it, it's his.  playing tit for tat will most likely just lead to resentment.

DH also takes care of a lot of chores.  he tries to find things to do, and never complains if I ask him to do something.  he helps with the dishes, does all the yard work, cleans the toilets, helps me fold laundry, goes grocery shopping with me every week...  it's great, and we have no resentment about finances.  I came in with more, but it doesn't really matter.  he really pulls his weight, and as long as he's doing that, then who cares about the money?  it is what it is!  we have enough.

his comment really stings to me, especially after he sat on his butt for so long about getting a job.  he shouldn't be putting you down.  he shouldn't make you feel guilty.  there have been times when DH feels so guilty about not bringing in as much money, or his huge student loans.  but it doesn't matter.  it is what it is, and we're working together to pay off the loans.  instead of making him feel like crap (yeah, you don't make any money and your stupid loans are really crimping my style), I try to make him feel better about it.

I don't know.  I'm a little upset at your BF, even though it's silly.  I don't see how he thinks it's okay to spout off a comment like that.  either you're a team, or you aren't.  and if you're a team, then he needs to keep his snarky comments to himself.  in fact, he shouldn't even be thinking those kinds of things.  it just seems a little selfish to me.  it's not like you're spending money right and left.  it's not like you're not financially responsible.  it's not like you don't have a job and you're not looking for one. 

does he feel like you aren't contributing in non-financial ways?  is there something in particular that's bugging him?  maybe something he hasn't communicated?  is there a deeper issue?

*hugs*  no one's SO should make them feel insecure like this.

and you know, you talk about not having any money left to visit your parents or buy a winter coat, or any of that.  when DH was finishing his last semester, he had no money.  he could only work 15 paid hours a week at the most at a teller job because of his class schedule and 40-60 hours of student teaching for his degree, plus volunteer hours.  so you know what?  I sucked it up and paid things for him.  because I LOVE HIM and we were striving toward a GOAL.  together.  he needed a winter coat, so we bought him one.  his grandpa died and he really wanted to go to his funeral in NM, so I transferred a few hundred dollars to his account so he could rent a car and go.  sometimes he needed groceries or a little bit of gas money to get him to his next paycheck.  so I gave him some money.  he hardly ever asked (only 1 time that I can think of), but I learned to start asking.  sometimes he was so busy, he only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep at night, so I would go over and do his laundry and cook up a few meals for him to eat that week.

not because I wanted to hold it over his head, but because I loved him and I wanted him to succeed.  I wanted us to succeed!  I would never be someone's sugar momma, but I'll take one for the team and help out.

and I guess I feel that Andrew should be treating you this way.  because you're a wonderful, beautiful woman. 

I cut up my hand last night making some oven baked donuts.  pierced it and cut it up a bit with an apple corer.  I can hardly move my fingers today and my hand is so swollen I can't get my ring on.  DH got up at 5 AM with me, when he didn't have to be at work until 10, to wash, dry, and fix my hair,  make me breakfast, and help me get dressed.  he is NOT a morning person, but he heard me crying in the shower so he got undressed and popped in to help me, and stayed up until 7:00 when I left for work.

that's teamwork.

sorry if this is long or preachy, but I just really feel that Andrew should be treating you with grace and kindness.  and I want you to know that you deserve to be treated that way.    I hope that you all can work something out to where you both feel good about it, no insecurities.  we love you lunar! 

lunarsongbird

Sorry, ladies- I totally didn't mean to make this a post and run! Andrew did end up waking up and we talked for a bit.

Gosh, I'm so glad I have you wonderful women in my life. All your comments are so supportive. I value each and every opinion.

A lot of you talked about "teams"- and I think that's what Andrew didn't quite get until I said, "Andrew- I'm not just your roommate!"

We talked, I cried. We talked, I cried. And I think this is what we figured out- We'll use the 60/40 base, but I'm going to keep the gym, WW, a bigger payment on my credit card- and make sure I have at least $100 a month in "carrying around money."

Of course he apologized... And when I told him, "Andrew- I adore you ....I would give you the WORLD if I could..." He said, "I wouldn't want the world unless you were in it."

And later when I was getting ready for work, he came into the bathroom to reassure me, "I know you aren't just a roommate."

becunning2

In Response to Re: Would I have made the same decision? (Long, Shameful Post. Only read if you are deserately bored.):
[QUOTEA lot of you talked about "teams"- and I think that's what Andrew didn't quite get until I said, "Andrew- I'm not just your roommate!"
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner! Sometimes boys don't get this immediately. Mine sure didn't. I'm glad you got to talk and that the talk was productive for you--and that he came around to reassure you too.  That's great!

[Deleted User]

what good news!    glad you're feeling better about it!

orangehills

Ah that sucks, sorry! Don't give up health insurance- you never know when you might break an ankle or something! And paying off your credit card in the long run is better for you both. As is keeping at least 2 things to keep you happy, like WW and the gym! (and healthy!)

I totally agree with some of the PP- you need to pay a percentage to how much you make. It is HIS home, not yours- he needs to be paying more, especially since he makes more. You should be contributing, of course- but it should be how PP said, 70-30. That's how I plan to do it when I move in with BF, since he makes more.

I would just sit down, and go through all of your finances, see what you expect of each other and has something out- and research financial gurus online- a ton of them have really good advice on how to do things like this!

lennonkdc

I'm glad you got to talk. You guys are (yet again) entering a new phase, so theres going to be a learning curve. Just keep talking through things, you and Andrew have really wonderful communication skills. That's priceless and will serve you well at every stage in your lives. 

FWIW it took BF a long time to 'get' the team concept, but now, when I freak out about being broke, or feeling like a maid, he reminds me that its not about me, or him, its about US. Its nice when they finally 'get' it

[Deleted User]

Yay for a productive discussion! I'm glad that Andrew was able to realize he may have been taking the "relationship" out of your home finances. Sometimes it's easy to forget about the other person when you're thinking about money. Yay for reassurance too. It's always nice to know the other person really understood where you were coming from and took it to heart!

orangehills

woops- would have helped if I had read all the way down, but was rushing- Glad you guys got it figured out!! It sounds like 60-40 will work perfect, and that's super sweet what he said

elannis

I am so happy you worked things out, Lunar! Finances can be so stressful, and I've felt how you do from time to time, but I'm finally getting back on my feet too and BF and I talk every few months to see where we're at and how we're doing financially.

Hazel_B

I'm glad to hear that you were able to talk and work things out.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-made-same-decision-long-shameful-post-only-read-deserately-bored?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7b9eef83-07f9-4dba-b4c9-02d9ea8a675fPost:1c940b6b-6857-45ee-a6b2-31046a5762a2">Re: Would I have made the same decision? (Long, Shameful Post. Only read if you are deserately bored.)</a>:
[QUOTE]I can hardly move my fingers today and my hand is so swollen I can't get my ring on.  DH got up at 5 AM with me, when he didn't have to be at work until 10, to wash, dry, and fix my hair,  make me breakfast, and help me get dressed.  he is NOT a morning person, but he heard me crying in the shower so he got undressed and popped in to help me, and stayed up until 7:00 when I left for work.
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]


He is such an awesome husband and a true sweetheart! : ) I hope your hand heals quickly.

cu97tiger

Oh Lunar, I know exactly what you're going through. FI already had the house we live in before I came on the scene. I feel like it is too expensive for us. Not that we 'can't' afford it, but just that we'd be more comfortable and able to pay off more debt if we got somewhere slightly cheaper. FI is uber-attached to the house, so we are making it work.

I'm so glad that you two had that talk. FI and I recently combined our checking accounts, so everything is now 'our' money, not 'mine' or 'his.' While he makes more money, he also never budgets, he just spends what he wants. It is a day-to-day conversation that we have about how he wants to pay down all my debt, but he doesn't want to restrict himself to 'one dinner out a week' or something like that.

Finances will always be an 'issue,' but we've found that as long as we discuss things, we end up on the same page and we make it work. Good luck hon, HUGS!

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-made-same-decision-long-shameful-post-only-read-deserately-bored?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7b9eef83-07f9-4dba-b4c9-02d9ea8a675fPost:ac168a4c-5e6a-47c9-95b4-fcd046106880">Re: Would I have made the same decision? (Long, Shameful Post. Only read if you are deserately bored.)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would I have made the same decision? (Long, Shameful Post. Only read if you are deserately bored.) : He is such an awesome husband and a true sweetheart! : ) I hope your hand heals quickly.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

I agree....This is very heart warming. :) He's awesome! And I too hope your hand heals quickly!!

lunarsongbird

 

And thank you for all being my friends.

[Deleted User]

thanks, me too.  I feel like I'm "nubb-ing" everything. 

I also imagine that some of the tension will ease once the closing is over.  when we closed on our home, the week before was just really tense.  we were both nervous and a little unsure of what was going on... but after a couple of weeks, he was all moved in and things settled.

only 2 days! 

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-made-same-decision-long-shameful-post-only-read-deserately-bored?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7b9eef83-07f9-4dba-b4c9-02d9ea8a675fPost:6480b994-6fac-400b-94f6-370aca6fee9b">Re: Would I have made the same decision? (Long, Shameful Post. Only read if you are deserately bored.)</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks, me too.  I feel like I'm "nubb-ing" everything.  :) I also imagine that some of the tension will ease once the closing is over.  when we closed on our home, the week before was just really tense.  we were both nervous and a little unsure of what was going on... <strong>but after a couple of weeks, he was all moved in and things settled. only 2 days!  :)
</strong>Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness...I know!!
I think when we are settled- everything will feel a lot better. :)

jemmini6

When I first moved in with FI, this was kind of an issue with us too.  He bought the house before we met (he literally closed only 3 days beforehand) and he makes almost 3 times as much as I do.  After a while though, we kind of got into a good arrangement and even though we have separate accounts, our mentality is more of 'our' money than his and mine.

You'll get there :-)  ::hugs::

Blue & White

My BF makes a hella lot more money than me (3x, actually.  It's really unfair, lol)

We split rent about 60/40.  He pays electric and cable (they're more expensive) and I pay gas and water (gas is pricey, but water is less).  Technically, my medical insurance comes out of his paycheck, but I make it up with buying an extra food trip or something usually.

We split food pretty evenly.

And we pay off our credit cards every month (as individuals, our cards are not linked).

I hesitate to suggest you cut your Visa to a minimum payment because it gets harder to pay it off (and more expensive!) so I would recommend something else.  I do think you need to talk to Andrew and see what he thinks.  I mean, you don't want to go broke

I know it looks like you all figured this out already, but I was at work and I wanted my two cents thrown in!

peekaboo2011

I missed all of this because I was downtown.  But *hugs* gorgeous.  And I'm glad things are looking better

leia1979

I'm coming in late, but I'm so glad you guys talked about this, Lunar. I think splitting things 60/40 is fair. I would be willing to do something like that with H because I'm better off financially than he is, but he insists on going 50/50, and I respect that.

We just sent in the paperwork to open a joint checking for household expenses, so we were discussing how to fund it.