Not Engaged Yet

Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot

I know I've posted on here before about not being enaged after almost 4 years and to this day I am still not engaged.  I've had feedback from others on here that I can't make him propose to me, but seriously how long is too long to wait?  We talk about marriage occasionally and how we want kids, but the question of WHEN he will do it IF he ever does it is eating away at me. 

When do I tell him nicely either "piss or get off the pot"?  November will be 4 years and I asked him about a month ago when he sees us walking down the aisle and he said "less than 2 years".  That does not sit well with me at all so...how long is too long to wait?  I do not want next year to roll around and I'm in the same situation I'm in now.  We have a house together and we're practically married b/c were both on the house and yes lawyer was involved so I won't get screwed. but anyhow....Thanks ladies in advance.
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Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot

  • edited December 2011
    Tell him how you feel. Tell him your reasons for wanting to get married soon. Ask him what is holding him back. That's really all I have.
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  • deburnindeburnin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I've been with BF for over 5 1/2 years and no ring. We'll probably be together at least another year before a proposal. It took me awhile to be ok with the fact that he didn't want to get engaged and married sooner, but now I've come to terms with the fact that we will probably be dating almost 7 years before taking the next step. And it actually makes a lot of sense with our situation in life, i.e. finishing school.

    That being said why is two years such a big issue? It seems reasonable to me, but I don't know the whole situation.
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  • edited December 2011
    No one can determine "how long is too long" except you.  Personally, I hate the phrase "piss/sh*t or get off the pot" - you're in the relationship because you enjoy being with him, not because engagement/marriage is some sort of finish line or goal.  Building your life together is part of your whole relationship. If your goal is simply to get a ring on your finger, I think your priorities might be off.  More specifically, if you want a ring or else you're willing to walk away from him, do you want him in your life or do you just want to get married?

    To be fair, if you have let him know that you want to be married sooner rather than later, then he should respect that, also.  But "less than 2 years" doesn't seem that long to me - it would mean you'd be getting engaged in about a year (give or take).  If you don't want to wait another year, then you are the only person who can decide if it's too much to sacrifice.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You need to sit down with him and have a discussion about where both of you see this relationship and your lives in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, ect. None of us are going to be able to tell you when or if you should end the relationship, only you can decide that.


  • edited December 2011
    Beth, she's saying she had that conversation, and he said that he saw them getting married within 2 years.  She's frustrated because she's been with him 4 years, and doesn't want to wait.  I can understand her frustration, but I think the fact that she'd be willing to walk away from him NOT because he doesn't want to marry her (he's said that he does, and within 2 years) but because he doesn't want to marry her on her time frame, makes me wonder if she wants to be with him or just wants to get married.
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  • deburnindeburnin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:5d9a2647-da19-4819-af81-0ac33806efab">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]Beth, she's saying she had that conversation, and he said that he saw them getting married within 2 years.  She's frustrated because she's been with him 4 years, and doesn't want to wait. <strong> I can understand her frustration, but I think the fact that she'd be willing to walk away from him NOT because he doesn't want to marry her (he's said that he does, and within 2 years) but because he doesn't want to marry her on her time frame, makes me wonder if she wants to be with him or just wants to get married.</strong>
    Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

    <div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">This. I totally understand her frustration, but it seems a bit extreme to tell him to "piss or get off the pot" for saying less than two years. If he had said, "I have no idea" or "No time soon" maybe the reaction would be called for. But in my eyes if you want to be with someone then waiting till they're also comfortable with the marriage idea is well worth it.</span></font></div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I've been with my bf for over 6 years now and we've decided we'll be married within the next two years.

    Just out of curiousity, why is waiting a year or so to long? I can understand being excited to get married, but at least he's giving you a time frame? Is there a specific reason why you want to get married sooner than in the next two years?

    My advice would be to talk to him and let him know why you think 2 years is to long and explain your reasoning for wanting to get married before then.
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  • breezerbbreezerb member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:21739238-68b4-40de-af27-40fe3fb14adc">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been with BF for over 5 1/2 years and no ring. We'll probably be together at least another year before a proposal. It took me awhile to be ok with the fact that he didn't want to get engaged and married sooner, but now I've come to terms with the fact that we will probably be dating almost 7 years before taking the next step.
    Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

    I am in THIS situation exactly.  And you know what? At least once a week I wonder when it's going to happen.  You know what keeps me in check? The fact that I have this amazing guy that I know loves me and wants to spend his life with me.  Sure, I may not have a ring or pretty princess day yet, but I have HIM and at the end of the day that's what matters.

    When you asked when he saw you guys getting married he said two years.  I think that's pretty reasonable.  He is probably banking on being engaged for at least a year before marriage that puts a proposal sometime in the next year.  That's not so bad is it?

    I used to think couples who dated for 3 years + before getting married were crazy and wasting time.  Then I grew up.  I think it has made our relationship so much stronger and stable to have waited this long. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Breezerb- You are wise.

    That is all

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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm with catemeg...I hate the "piss or get off the pot" reference when it comes to relationships.  BF's friend has his GF give him that ultimatum "either we get married or we break up" so they got married, but we definitely give her the major side eye.  To me, it's like all she cared about was getting married and it didn't matter much to whom.  Personally, I would rather be with my BF forever as just BF/GF, then to not be with him at all because he was 'taking too long' to propose.  However, I do understand the frustration, especially when that's the road you've already started going down and have discussed it.  I would just try to have an honest talk with him about it.  Ask him WHY he wants to wait, and let him know why you don't.  Perhaps you can come to a compromise (since you'll be doing a lot of that in marriage too).  If he wants to wait 2 years, and you don't want to wait at all, then maybe you could agree on waiting 1 year??  Either way, I definitely don't think it's worth throwing a whole 5.5 year relationship away just because there's no ring.
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  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, OP, I ditto KD. You need to talk about WHY 2 years. What is your time frame? Is he saving money? Does he want a long engagement? You need to talk to him. If you feel that you need to move on, then move on. But remember, you are already living that life with him now.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:67022e77-5c5d-4256-8b3a-c68dc887f397">Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I've posted on here before about not being enaged after almost 4 years and to this day I am still not engaged.  I've had feedback from others on here that I can't make him propose to me, but seriously how long is too long to wait?  We talk about marriage occasionally and how we want kids, but the question of WHEN he will do it IF he ever does it is eating away at me.  When do I tell him nicely either "piss or get off the pot"?  November will be 4 years and I asked him about a month ago when he sees us walking down the aisle and he said "less than 2 years". <strong> That does not sit well with me at all so...how long is too long to wait? </strong> I do not want next year to roll around and I'm in the same situation I'm in now.  We have a house together and we're practically married b/c were both on the house and yes lawyer was involved so I won't get screwed. but anyhow....Thanks ladies in advance.
    Posted by silver56[/QUOTE]

    If you don't want to wait, then don't. That's the easy answer.

    If you have different timelines, then you need to decide if you're willing to compromise on it or not. It sounds like you're not, so if you're more concerned about getting married on your timeline than marrying your BF, move along because the sooner you can move on the sooner you can move along in life.

    Nobody here can tell you how long is too long to wait. If you're looking for suggestions on how to get him to propose, there aren't any.

    You asked him when he could see it, he answered, you didn't like the answer, and now you need to either move along yourself or accept his answer.

  • CT324CT324 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Me and my fiance lived together and bought a house almost 2 years before he proposed to me.  The last thing you want him to do is propose because you gave him an ultimatum. 

    If you really love him and want to be with him I think its def going to be worth the wait.  :) 
  • silver56silver56 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Ok so I decided to ask him when and he said “this year for sure, I’m not talking about this anymore”. 

  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:c1ba48ad-c9cc-4f68-881a-540ec1fe3160">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so I decided to ask him when and he said “this year for sure, I’m not talking about this anymore”.  
    Posted by silver56[/QUOTE]

    Obviously, I am not there, but his lack of communication is bothersome to me. Marriage and relationships are all about communication. If he is breaking down now, what is going to happen in the future. And the other issue now is, does he mean this CALENDAR year or the next 12 months. You both need to have very clear communication about this.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:c1ba48ad-c9cc-4f68-881a-540ec1fe3160">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so I decided to ask him when and he said “this year for sure, I’m not talking about this anymore”.  
    Posted by silver56[/QUOTE]

    Awesome, sounds like it's time to drop the subject. GL!

  • edited December 2011
    I was with my FI for over 10 years before he proopsed (we met when we were Freshman in highschool) so that is part of the reason we waited so long. We are getting married on our11 year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. If you aren't willing to wait for him you might want to ask yourself if he is really the right one for you?
  • deburnindeburnin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:3689fba6-55f9-478e-8a12-3da07e5ad225">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot : Obviously, I am not there, but his lack of communication is bothersome to me. Marriage and relationships are all about communication. If he is breaking down now, what is going to happen in the future. And the other issue now is, does he mean this CALENDAR year or the next 12 months. You both need to have very clear communication about this.
    Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

    <div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I guess it also depends on how much she's been nagging him about it. I mean, he told her two years until he sees them walking down the aisle and she, obviously, did not react well to that. Maybe he doesn't want to talk more about it because he's planning on proposing soon and doesn't want her to figure out exactly when? I feel like there are a lot of possibilities, poor communication in the relationship very possibly being one or it could just be he wants to surprise her.</span></font></div>
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  • silver56silver56 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    He got back to me and said "i want you to be surprised"
  • edited December 2011
    You wait as long as you want to spend your life with him and only him. If someone else could fill whatever needs you have as well or better, then you move on.

    You should not hang around and be miserable and frustrated waiting for someone. I am not saying love is always easy or fun or pleasant. Sometimes love downright sucks. But if the suckyness is outweighing the good day after day, and month after month, then you should consider moving on.

    You can make a time limit in your head, if that makes you feel better. "If he doesn't propose by January 5, I will call it quits." But don't tell him your ultimatum or he may end up proposing just to keep you... which is NOT a good thing. Marriages that start there aren't exactly on firm ground.

    If, however, you still feel that your frustration is worth it as long as you have him, then you stay. You stay as long as it takes. Maybe you stay forever, without ever being married. Would you stay with him if you knew you'd never marry each other but you would be happy and in love?

    I asked myself that question after 5 years of dating and 2+ years living together. My answer was "yes, I would stay with him even if we never marry. I would rather be with him any way we can be together than even consider finding someone else."

    Yours might be different, and that's okay.
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  • edited December 2011
    Silver, maybe you should step back and take a breathe... I have seen a few of your other posts and it looks like you are already thinking about venues, budgets, etc... Give it a few months without any wedding related talk or discussion.

    Sometimes this can be a big turn off to guys, b/c they will just be thinking "once I propose what is she going to hound me for next..."

    So take a breathe and let things come naturally and if you can't wait then you need to let him know and go your separate ways or as you so eloquently put it "get off the pot"
  • edited December 2011
    It sounds like he wants to get married, is making plans to get engaged in the not-too-distant future, and now wants you to stop talking about it so he can surprise you.

    Is that good enough?  Because I'd say that's really all you need.  And now you need to drop it.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:edbaeb7b-5102-40a5-9fbb-d6699922a50a">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was with my FI for over 10 years before he proopsed (we met when we were Freshman in highschool) so that is part of the reason we waited so long. We are getting married on our11 year anniversary and I couldn't be happier. If you aren't willing to wait for him you might want to ask yourself if he is really the right one for you?
    Posted by kellyb1487[/QUOTE]

    I think we are wedding twins. I met my FI in high school, started dating our sophomore year, and we're getting married right after our 11 year anniversary in 2012. :) 

    That said, I totally agree that OP needs to slow down a bit.  You've obviously asked him about it enough times and it looks like he's given you a really reasonable answer.  I can totally understand that he wants it to be his decision on when to propose because he wants to surprise you.  Don't forget to enjoy being engaged before launching into wedding mode.  So many people forget to plan for a marriage instead of just looking forward to the wedding.
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I hate this phrase. It reeks of bitterness and manipulation.

    All the things a proposal should be.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with what other people have said on here.
    I have been dating my BF for 8 years and don't have a ring. We've talked about getting married and he's said that he wants to marry me, but that's where it stands right now. I got flamed in my first post on here for being upset about this, but the girls on here are very smart! They told me to enjoy the relationship that I have right now. So that is what I have been doing and I haven't been pressuring him.
    The other girls are right about this as well: no one on here can tell you what to do. If you want to be with him forever, then you will wait. But it does kind of sound like you just want to get married. The best advice I have for you is to enjoy your relationship right now and just wait. It sounds like he does want to marry you, so a proposal will come sooner or later. Good luck!
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Okay, I'll be the odd girl out, and say that I HATE this mentality of "If you loved him, you'd stay with him forever regardless of a marriage."

    Why she should compromise what she wants? Is that healthy? Is that really a solid relationship?

    Of course it is totally different if there are solid reasons to wait, you've talked about it, and while you're eager for that next step, you know it's smart to wait, and you came to that decision TOGETHER.

    But if you've discussed it, and there isn't a logical reason to wait, but he just can't make up his mind whether he's ready or not, then it is a WASTE of time you could be happier with someone else for you to sit around and wait and wait and wait.

    Does that sound like a strong, happy relationship of EQUALS? Or does it sound like a relationship in which one person has no say and is waiting on another to call the shots? And how is that possibly healthy?

    I am NOT a proponent of ultimatums. I believe in asking for what you want, having adult conversations, and respecting your partner.

    But I AM a total believer that if a man won't propose, then he's just not that into you. If it is making you feel like you're compromising yourself, your needs, your wants, your dreams to wait and wait and wait, then by all means, MOVE ON! You will never be happy in a relationship with someone who has no respect for your needs.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-rant-piss-off-pot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cd4997e-e8a9-4981-82d8-7ef0ef94fb0aPost:2495a7c9-a0de-4519-bca8-08db7b49f960">Re: Need to rant-Either piss or get off the pot</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, I'll be the odd girl out, and say that I HATE this mentality of "If you loved him, you'd stay with him forever regardless of a marriage." Why she should compromise what she wants? Is that healthy? Is that really a solid relationship? Of course it is totally different if there are solid reasons to wait, you've talked about it, and while you're eager for that next step, you know it's smart to wait, and you came to that decision TOGETHER. But if you've discussed it, and there isn't a logical reason to wait, but he just can't make up his mind whether he's ready or not, then it is a WASTE of time you could be happier with someone else for you to sit around and wait and wait and wait. Does that sound like a strong, happy relationship of EQUALS? Or does it sound like a relationship in which one person has no say and is waiting on another to call the shots? And how is that possibly healthy? I am NOT a proponent of ultimatums. I believe in asking for what you want, having adult conversations, and respecting your partner. But I AM a total believer that if a man won't propose, then he's just not that into you. If it is making you feel like you're compromising yourself, your needs, your wants, your dreams to wait and wait and wait, then by all means, MOVE ON! You will never be happy in a relationship with someone who has no respect for your needs.
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    Desert, I totally agree with you but I think you were the only one blunt enough to come right out and say it. I think the point is, she either wants to get married or she wants the boy. If boy doesn't want to get married, then she has to decide to suck it up or move on.

  • SopChickSopChick member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    These ladies are very wise. I would seriously consider the advice you have been given.

    Would you feel better being married when your BF is also ready (given his 2-ish year timeline), or being married to him knowing that he proposed to stop you from asking about it all the time? I'm not trying to be mean, it's the most direct way I can think of to ask.

    I don't think you should have to compromise what you want out of life, but from the sounds of it your BF does want to marry you. It may not be on your timeline, but he said that he does. If you're really concerned about the timeline, I suggest you take KD's advice and talk to him about WHY he wants to wait. However, I also think you should maybe cool it with the wedding talk, since from the sounds of it he's getting a little tired of it right now.

    I have been with BF for almost 9 1/2 years. We have lived together for about a year and a half. We have talked about marriage, and the reasons why it makes sense for us to wait. Having the logic behind the plans (which of course can always change, as life does) makes it a lot easier to be patient and just enjoy the stage of the relationship we're in right now.

    GL!
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  • DanieMarie212DanieMarie212 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with all the other ladies.  You have a lifetime full of happiness with him.  Why rush and engagement and the wedding.  If your to caught up in worrying about when he is going propose, you can't enjoy the little moments in life. 

    My sister and i have friends from high school they got together in 8th grade and married after college.  Her husband's brother and his wife were together for 14 years before they got married.  

    Does a title really change what you guys have together?
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  • edited December 2011
    Desert, you're not the odd girl out. I was saying something pretty similar. In no way, shape, or form do I think someone who requires marriage should stay with someone who has no interest in fulfilling that need. It's a matter of figuring out your own priorities and finding someone who has a similar outlook and goals... and of course you should probably love them, too. Tongue out

    Love isn't "enough." It's not the end-all, be-all. I think a great, solid, long-lasting relationship begins and ends with love... but there is a lot of hard work and difficult decisions sandwiched in there.
    Anniversary
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