Ok...does this have bad idea written all over it?

loves2shop4shoes

My ex is coming to Boston tomorrow.  We're considering getting lunch.  We broke up 5 years ago.  We keep in touch as far as "Hey, how's your family/job/school/etc. going?"  I'm fairly certain that he's not over me.  But the way I see it, I'm very secure in my relationship.  I'm not still in love with him.  I'm not going to go cheat on FI.

I just feel like, what's so wrong with lunch with someone I've known since I was 11?  Yet at the same time I still feel guilty.

FI says he has no problem with me going if I want to go.

What do you think?

CASK85

I wouldn't do it. Will you gain anything from it? If it will be painful for him, it just isn't worth it. 

Blue & White

I've done this before.  I survived, you should do it.

Ollie08

If FI is ok with it then go! You think your ex is still hung up on you, but he might not be. If it gets weird you can always leave.

[Deleted User]

I don't see a problem with it. You know where your feelings stand and you've been open with your FI. Seems to me like there's no reason here to avoid the guy. Go, have a good time catching up - and if he tries to make a move or anything just let him know you're strictly friends now.

SeaTea02

For me, it would depend on the ex. If I felt confortable around my ex I would go, but I probably wouldn't feel comfortable if I knew they still had feelings for me. 

ADTonk

I'm not a fan of visiting the past.  Even though your intentions are good, his might not be.  I don't see what good one can get out of lunch with an ex.  If he isn't over you, it will only make him feel worse.

Beads921

I'd go for it. Sounds totally harmless, and might even be fun

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_okdoes-this-bad-idea-written-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7ee23fb1-9f2b-445e-8049-2b5edb6a10adPost:06dc36f0-9754-4121-b914-9bddb3482e32">Re: Ok...does this have bad idea written all over it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't do it. Will you gain anything from it?<strong> If it will be painful for him, it just isn't worth it. 
</strong>Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

I disagree cschiano. He knows she's in a serious relationship (they're engaged!). If it will be painful for him, he shouldn't ask to see her. There is no way she is leading him on as long as her relationship with FI has been disclosed (which I assume it has been).

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_okdoes-this-bad-idea-written-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7ee23fb1-9f2b-445e-8049-2b5edb6a10adPost:ca7a8a16-e257-4b41-b31d-b0a89a7e3a5b">Ok...does this have bad idea written all over it?</a>:
[QUOTE]My ex is coming to Boston tomorrow.  We're considering getting lunch.  We broke up 5 years ago.  We keep in touch as far as "Hey, how's your family/job/school/etc. going?"  I'm fairly certain that he's not over me.  But the way I see it, I'm very secure in my relationship.  I'm not still in love with him.  I'm not going to go cheat on FI. I just feel like, what's so wrong with lunch with someone I've known since I was 11? <strong> Yet at the same time I still feel guilty</strong>. FI says he has no problem with me going if I want to go. What do you think?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't have a problem with it, especially if your FI is ok with it, however, if you feel guilt about it, that to me is a sign that you just shouldn't go. You've kept in touch, you care how he's doing, but maybe you just don't need to spend time out of your day going to lunch with him. As one of the OPs said as well, what GOOD can come out of it?</div>

ravenray

I wouldn't if he still has feelings for you.  But that is what I do.  Why hurt the poor guy and make him think he has a chance.

csousa1

I wouldn't go if it were me, because BF would NOT be okay with it, and I wouldn't really be okay with it for him, so out of respect for him I'd pass. Or suggest lunch/dinner all together. But if your FI is okay with it, then I don't really see why not. Like PP have said, you can always leave if it gets weird. Either way, I would tell FI everything about it.

oceana919

If there's a realistic/significant chance he has unresolved feelings for you, don't go. You're just opening yourself up to the risk of hurting him, or putting yourself in a difficult situation.

That being said, I'm not against hanging out with exes if all feelings are resolved. I am still extremely close with my high school sweetheart, to the point where talk frequently on the phone and we make a point to see each other whenever we're both in town. He's gotten to be friends with my DH, and I adore his partner. There are no romantic feelings there anymore, and we've been practically best friends for over 12 years. 

If feelings are resolved and settled and you can establish a friendship after a relationship, then more power to you.

DanieKA

Go to lunch, catch up and come home to the man you love. No harm, no foul! Maybe go somewhere fancy though and see if he'll pay for it! Hahaha!

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_okdoes-this-bad-idea-written-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7ee23fb1-9f2b-445e-8049-2b5edb6a10adPost:87630c16-4144-4bda-9b1c-7654b11288b8">Re: Ok...does this have bad idea written all over it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ok...does this have bad idea written all over it? : I disagree cschiano. He knows she's in a serious relationship (they're engaged!).<strong> If it will be painful for him, he shouldn't ask to see her.</strong> There is no way she is leading him on as long as her relationship with FI has been disclosed (which I assume it has been).
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>People don't always do what is right for themselves, unfortunately. </div>

CCO2012

You seem hesitant and said you feel guilty. I would say all signs point to don't do it... But, if you think it will be fine go for it! I just know I wouldn't ever want to see one of my exes but they are all douche bags so that could be why.

SKP82

If you have any even slightly guilty feelings, don't go.

becunning2

Like others have said... if you feel guilty about it, trust yourself, and don't go.

musikbx

I was in a similar situation a few months ago, my ex came out of the woodwork and wanted to meet up for coffee.  We had dated about 9 years ago, for maybe 6 months at the most. After our break up we were off and on friends, but we always had some sort of falling out - usually once he realized we weren't going to end up back together.

Anyways, this past winter he contacted me after about 4 years of not speaking. FI was 100% fine with it, and even encouraged me to go (he wants me to have musician friends). I went, and it was a positive experience. We hung out a few more times after that, he and I alone and also a few times with FI coming along. Well, after a few weeks of hanging out... he had too much to drink one night, and put the moves on me.  The next day, I subjected him to a stern "if we're going to maintain a friendship, you can't pull that kind of stuff" talk. We met up one more time, and he pulled the same stunt... so once again, we no longer speak.

It was really annoying and stressful to have to go through that with him again. This has happened numerous times over the years, and it always works out the same way. As much as I wanted to keep him as a friend, it just isn't going to happen. It is emotionally taxing for both of us, and FI as well.

Anyways, I hope that story helps. I went into it thinking it was harmless - even if he did have leftover feelings for me. It didn't turn out that way. I guess it depends on the individuals and the situation, but because of my personal experience I am saying it's probably not worth it.

jaycee7389

Well my answer depends on two things:

1) Is your fi really okay with you going, or does he feel like he can't say no/doesn't want you to think he doesn't trust you.

2) If you think your ex isn't completely over you would this cause awkwardness/problems?

I don't think there is anything wrong with remaining friends with exes, as long as it is mutually platonic. Hell, I'm now the MOH in my ex's wedding I'm also best friends with the bride.

bethsmiles

I would go. You know you are't going to cheat or do anything bad so why give up having lunch with a friend? If it gets awkward you can always leave.

loves2shop4shoes

Jaycee:  I doubt FI is thrilled about it, but I know he trusts me.  I think he's not going to stop me from doing what I want to do.  I also feel like if he felt strongly against it, he'd say so.

jaycee7389

Well I don't see anything wrong with it then. Just because it's your ex doesn't make it any different if you know it means nothing to you!

tafft1

I'm still friends with all my ex's - not that it always started that way , and now that i am completely over them , yes i would meet for lunch or dinner , etc. I don't see the problem with it , and even if he does still have feelings for you , that's not something you should feel guilty about - it's human to feel that way and as long as he understands it's okay to feel that way but it isn't mutual , it may be good for you both Have a good time I say !

kbbouch

As long as FI knows and doesn't have a problem with it, go for it if you want to.

I'm still friends with an ex whose become a friend of my BF's too.

polkadot111

If you had to ask us, you're unsure. A sign to not go...

COSmitty

I think too many people are taught to think that exs shouldn't be friends. I'm friends with lots of my exs and even work occasionally with one. They are all married (except one) and I've stayed at thier houses, had dinners with them and thier families (wife/kiddos), and my BF has met at least 3 of them.

I have to say one of my friends (who happens to be the unmarried ex) stayed at my place for a weekend when he was in town. BF was not thrilled but he didn't tell me no. Friend and I hung out and then BF joined us for some of the weekend. BF was invited for all activities though. 

No hanky panky, no love lorn feelings, and it was a blast. Just cause other people thought it was wierd doesn't mean I felt obligated to share thier feelings ;-) 

[Deleted User]

I have a similar situation that arises from time to time with a particular ex.  The BF isn't the jealous type and could care less.  Since FI says its' fine, and presumably he really doesn't mind...what do you want to do?  If you want to continue a friendship with this person, DO!    There's nothing wrong with maintaining friendships with exes.   If you don't really want to, I don't think you should feel obligated just because of your prior relationship with this person.  So, it's  up to you.  Congrats on finding a man who is sufficiently secure with himself and your relationship that he has no problem with you seeing an ex.

calindi

Interestingly, I went through this yesterday. I'm in LA visiting my college roommate, and yesterday I drove 1.5 hours while she was at work to meet another college friend for lunch. A friend who I hooked up with the last time I saw him 3 years ago (a few months before I met FI). FI knows the history and was fine with me going out for lunch, and I figured all would be fine. And technically it was, but it was a bit awkward as I realized he was sort of giving me the "are you really happy? Cuz I would rescue you" roundabout conversation. I thought he had a serious girlfriend, which made me more confident it was okay to have lunch, but turns out they recently broke up. So he seemed to be comparing me to her and saying how much easier it would have been if we kept dating after we hooked up that one time. Uh, er, um...not my thoughts, buddy! So much for inviting this friend to the wedding! He would probably stage an intervention before, telling me to run away with him or something stupid.