WWYD? (long, sorry)

SopChick

I'm really not sure how to best handle this situation, so I would really appreciate some input from you level headed ladies!

My BFF has a habit of disappearing for weeks or months at a time. She's done it for at least as long as we've been friends. It's generally when things are stressful, busy, or new for her. It's kind of annoying, but it's her way of dealing with things, so I deal. When she's ready things fall back into our normal swing - usually she joins in again when me, BF, and her BF hang out. I should add that when we hang out without the guys, it's usually me planning our get togethers, asking her to hang out, etc.

A couple months ago she started on another one of these times, I thought nothing of it. A couple weeks into it, her BF was over at our place so I asked about her. He told me that "she is actually really mad at you. She feels like you abandoned her." My internal response was "I'm sorry, what?!" But rather than saying that out loud, I just said "oh..." and walked away.

Being that I hate to make people feel badly, I decided to contact her. She never answers her phone, so I sent her a message on FB knowing she would see it. She used FB multiple times in the following weeks and I still got no response. I ran into her BF again when he was hanging out with my BF, and he told me I should contact her. I said that I had messaged her with no response. He told me to try again. I just got in my car and left.

I decided that I didn't want to be in a one sided friendship (remember, many years of me being the one to plan and invite), and that if she wanted to talk to me, she could make the effort this time. I finished high school too long ago to deal with this BS...

A month or so has passed since that last discussion with her BF. Yesterday I get a voicemail from her like nothing ever happened. I haven't called her back yet...

edit: feel free to tell me if I'm just being a big baby!

calindi

I would give her a call and ask to meet for coffee.  I'd have a very frank discussion, letting her know you care about her, but you've felt she's only on-again-off-again interested in being friends with you, and you accepted that and gave her space.  But that now you hear that she's mad at you, and you're confused.  And that you want to be friends, but you can't put the effort into a friendship that won't be reciprocated.  Don't attack her, use the "When you ____ I feel ____" format so she can understand how her actions make you feel (and no, that's not supposed to be dirty or sexual, though it's good for a giggle).

See what she says.  Go in with an open mind, and see how things go.  Best case, it's a misunderstanding and you'll straighten it out by being up front.  Worst case, she's really not that into the friendship and you'll be able to realize it's not worth the effort.

Good luck!

SopChick

Thanks calindi.

I'm hoping it is a misunderstanding, because it did really hurt when I heard she felt like I had abandoned her.

GreenPepperBurger

I completely agree with Cate.

Good luck.

KatyRoseM

I have a friend like this.  It is really annoying when friends who often abandon you feel you abandoned them because your busy with school and can't take time off when they want.  That being said, if the friend is really important go and talk to her.  Know that she will probably not stop dropping off the face of the earth when its good for her, but that might not matter.  Make sure you understand how she is feeling and try to explain how you are feeling.  Good luck.

SopChick

Thanks ladies. I will update after I chat with her.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wwyd-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7f6c532c-c20c-4aa6-9e0e-8ed6a697f789Post:cf7f944c-70a3-49e4-9a9f-e84186d27208">WWYD? (long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got in my car and left. I decided that I didn't want to be in a one sided friendship (remember, many years of me being the one to plan and invite), and that if she wanted to talk to me, she could make the effort this time. I finished high school too long ago to deal with this BS... A month or so has passed since that last discussion with her BF. Yesterday I get a voicemail from her like nothing ever happened. I haven't called her back yet...
Posted by SopChick[/QUOTE]

One of the most valuable things I've learned in my life is that people are package deals.  Friends are going to come with both good and bad qualities, and it's up to you to determine whether the bad is worth it.  I've ended a few friendships simply because it wasn't worth the stress/disappointment/whatever anymore.

It sounds like you know this already, based on what you said about not wanting to be in a one-sided friendship.  If you return her voicemail and reestablish your friendship, don't expect her to suddenly change.  Make sure you think for a while about whether you still want her in your life.

loves2shop4shoes

Everything Cate said.

SopChick

Elle - I haven't called her back for just that reason. I'm still trying to figure out what, if anything, I'm hoping to have with her, and how to say what I'm feeling if I do decide I want to make it work.

Shoes - I generally agree with Cate too, she's a smart one.