Just don't know what to say... Cancer + Murder/Suicide + School BS

nefariousmango

My little sister is going through thyroid cancer right now.  She was diagnosed in August, at 21 years old, and probably has had the primary tumor since she was in her early teens.  We would probably have never found it except that she's in her third year at conservatory as a singer and didn't believe all the doctors telling her that her perceived loss of vocal power was all in her head.  She met us in California in August (she lives in Australia) and ended up going to urgent care for what we thought was strep (was actually thrush, totally unrelated to the cancer), and when she told the doctor about her voice he did an ultrasound and found the tumor. 

Anyhow, after surgery to remove her thyroid and all the lymphnoids in her neck, followed by radiation, she has at least ten months left until she'll start feeling "well" again.  She's exhausted all the time, and gets every little bug that's floating around thanks to her dampened immune system.

Nonetheless, she returned to school determined to graduate on time... only to find out that the curriculum is changing and, since she missed a whole semester, she has to change programs completely.  Six weeks in and we've learned that she cannot graduate without doing an additional three years.  It's so ridiculous, I just want to fly down there and scream at everyone involved until they find a reasonable solution for her!  When she told my mom and me that she feels like she's being punished for having cancer, my heart broke.

She also has a boyfriend who she loves and who stuck with her long-distance throughout her cancer treatments... But his mom is in hospice and his friend jumped off a bridge not all that long ago and he's emotionally unable to be there for her at all.  In fact, he keeps showing up and starting fights, and she keeps trying to create some space and failing.

And then: http://www.themercury.com.au/article/2011/03/24/216901_tasmania-news.html

The girl who was stabbed to death is a singer in a local band, and the boyfriend who stabbed her and then killed himself is also in the band and is in my sister's class.  My sister was good friends with both of them.  The girl couldn't tour internationally and my sister was supposed to go in her place, before the whole cancer thing spoiled those plans. 

My sister is devastated.  My mom is in tatters trying to figure out how to be supportive while stuck literally halfway around the world.  And I just don't know what to say   I don't understand why her life has to suck so hard right now!  At least she's not dead, right?  But my mom is stuck on the point that she could die, because we're all going to die... and imagining how broken down the parents of the murder/suicide duet must be... I want to comfort both of them, and just have nothing!

Thanks for letting me rant, if you have any clue about how to help my sister and my mom, please share!!!

bethsmiles

I'm so sad to hear all of this, it truly breaks my heart and I feel for you and your family. Cancer is so hard to deal with, I lost a friend to cancer 5 years ago and I still get upset sometimes if I think about him, his death was hard to deal with but watching him go through all of the pain and sickness was even harder because there is so little you can do.

I would suggest therapy for your sister to help her get through all of these difficult times. She is going through so much right now and being the same age as her I can't even imagine handling all of the stress and emotions she must be dealing with. I've done therapy before and it helped me so much.

I don't really have any other suggestions or advice but you and your family and friends will be in thoughts.

hannahnola

Your mom is just over whelmed. I can imagine how unbearable that feels. I would try to say the people who you do not know, try not to let their deaths affects you or your Mom. Your sister on the other hand I would imagine since she was out for a medical leave related purpose should she could find a way to be back in her original program. Go to the head of the dean, or if you must, get a lawyer.

Try to deal with your stress, not your sisters becaause it sounds like its tearing you up.

SopChick

Oh Mango, I am so sorry! My thoughts are with you and your family!

I'm sorry that I don't have advice to give that is different from the PPs, but I think it would be worthwhile for your sister, your mom, and you to speak to a professional. I think far too often people try to deal with major things like this on their own, and I don't think that's realistic.

Also, I think that is complete BS that the doctors didn't take your sister's comments about her voice seriously. As a classically trained singer too, I know that I am so aware of anything going on with my body - vocally or otherwise. Her body is her livelihood, and as such, I'm sure she is so in tune with it. It makes me so mad that some doctors can't get over the fact that we might know our bodies well enough to figure something out before they do.

And I'm fuming mad that your sister's conservatory is doing that to her! What a load of crap! Usually curriculum changes apply to newly admitted students, not students that are near graduation! I really hope it doesn't discourage her from continuing with training.

Good luck with everything. *BIG HUG*

AbigailMS

It will just take time...unfortunately nothing really fixes things like this. I had a very dear friend die tragically almost 4 years ago... It's just best to be there for her. 

One up-side to you being around the world from her, she can call you in the middle of the night if she needs, and you might not be sleeping. 

Hazel_B

I honestly don't even know what to say, that is so much to be going through. My thoughts are with everyone involved.

The only thing that I thought of is in regards to her schooling, are they in no way willing to work with her because of her cancer diagnosis? That seems pretty ridiculous that by missing one term due to cancer she'll have to add on 3 additional years of school. If not, is there another school that would take her credits, she could transfer there and mean less school for her?

sparkles88

I'm so sorry for everything you and your family are going through, Mango.

I think SopChick brings up a good point. Your sister should talk to someone with a very high standing in the department to see if any exemptions can be made. I've never heard of anything like that before! At my school, when students come in under a certain curriculum, that's the curriculum they complete, even if they do take some time off. It's not like she took a semester off for the heck of it! She was fighting cancer!

peekaboo2011

I'm so sorry Mango.  I agree that the best thing you can do is be there for her, and with her halfway around the world, your schedules should line up pretty well so she can call when she needs you.

I'm going to have to agree with SopChick as well.  Start with the chair of the department, and work her way up until she talks to every dean and the President of the school if she has to.  Our school just changed their curriculums, and because my class and the class after me both came in under the first one, that's what we're completing.  Her being gone a semester on medical leave (have her take her medical records if thats what they need!) should absolutely mean that she gets to keep her curriculum.  I went through a period of illness, which wasn't as severe, but my department and the school did everything they could to get me through the semester and my classes.

*hugs*

leia1979

Oh, Mango, I'm so sorry your sister (and whole family) are going through this.

The only situation I can address is the school one, and I agree with PP. Forcing a curriculum change because of medical leave is ridiculous. I would encourage her to continue to appeal up the hierarchy until she finds someone willing to work with her. If she has a faculty advisor that can help back her up, that would be good, too. At least if the school stress were off her mind, that might help her feel better (and more in control of her life right now).

[Deleted User]

Well, I can address the thyroid cancer issue...I'm proud to say my mom is a 20 year survivor of thyroid cancer.  Your sister will be on medication for the rest of her life and she will have to be tested on occasion to make sure her levels are where they should be (esp if she decides to have children, her med levels will most likely need to be adjusted at that point).  She will start feeling better and hopefully they'll get her meds adjusted to the right level soon so that she can start feeling better.

I would suggest that both your sister and your mom find a cancer survivors support group.  I'm sure if you contact one of your local cancer organizations in town, they'd be able to get you in the right direction and may even be able to help find a group for your sister in Australia.  Support groups are wonderful things, since everyone there is going through the same thing, it's nice to have someone to talk to that knows how you feel.

Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

loves2shop4shoes

Good lord!  When it rains, it POURS huh?

I'd recommend counseling to your sister...stat!

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry that your family is having a hard time right now.

I agree with Angie that support groups can make all the difference in the world.  They provide a certain level of comfort that can be looked forward to on a weekly or monthly basis. 

As far as the school thing goes, maybe it is a huge misunderstanding.  At my school, if you are on an old curriculum, you have to fight with the school every semester to remind them that you are old curriculum and don't need the new requirements in order to take certain classes.  Universities don't take memos well.  I hope that the school thing gets sorted out, because 3 years for missing one term on medical leave is absolutely ridiculous!

PaigeMcC

I've got nothing but hugs *hugshugshugs*

nefariousmango

Thanks everyone for your support.

My mom is seeing a therapist, and that has helped a lot in the past few months.  My sister's health insurance stuff is insane, so she's been trying to get metal health coverage but it seems unlikely that she'll be able to.  Australia has a "socialized" health care and she isn't a citizen so...  I also wish I could afford to see a therapist!  I know there are sliding-scale clinics but I have a relationship with a therapist who worked with me with my PTSD for five years and I can't imagine seeing anyone else, and I simply cannot afford to see her :-(

My sister's school thing is super complicated, but the basics are that she's an international student who transferred in, so her credits are already a mess.  The school is one of the best, but it's tiny!  There are fewer than a dozen students in her program.  Because she was already taking classes in a weird order (didn't have some pre-reqs, but was ahead in other things) she has had a lot of frustrating interactions with the administration over the years.  They only offer each class once every year, and some they only offer once every two years.  So, the class she still needs in order to stay on track with the rest of her class won't be offered again until spring (July-Nov) of 2012.  And if she switches to the new curriculum, most of her transfer credits are no longer worth anything.  She's talked to everyone multiple times- the dean of the con, the dead of the university, the dean of international students- and no one can come up with any viable options for her other than waiting until 2012. 

calindi

Mango, so sorry to hear that! I can only imagine how difficult this is and my thoughts and best wishes go out to you and your family! Only thing I've got is a mantra that helps me - it will all be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it's not the end.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-dont-say-cancer-murdersuicide-school-bs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:818829f3-7806-4203-8959-8abf3c4f5ea7Post:d58b86f3-9c70-40ce-86bc-5ef4e6e0cb73">Re: Just don't know what to say... Cancer + Murder/Suicide + School BS</a>:
[QUOTE]Mango, so sorry to hear that! I can only imagine how difficult this is and my thoughts and best wishes go out to you and your family! Only thing I've got is a mantra that helps me - <strong>it will all be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it's not the end.</strong>
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>This... and know that people thousands of miles away from your sister are thinking about her and sending her prayers. FWIW.</div>