a thread-jack from Oceana's memorial post....(long)

nottheonlydreamer44

I didn't go back to read the comments about Mike's grandparents/great-grandparents being together so long until just now. Oceana - we want to do an anniversary dance to give them a special moment. However, tiny issue that we're still trying to work out and I'm at a loss for dealing with.

Hot mess central:
Mike's grandpa (mom's side) passed away 3 months ago and things have not been going well with grandma or mom since then. Actually the whole family really. Mom is BSC at this point and popping what I believe to be Xanax and says, "it's not working" She is literally just kind of off the deep end. We recommended grief counseling but that was a no-go. I know it sounds bad but she is driving us nuts. She is pretty much obsessed with Mike and not that fond of our new "family". Though she is fake as hell and pretends to be. Mike's brother who is 32 LIVES WITH THEM and she still calls Mike 40 times a week to come over and do something. Whatever - we live 5 mins away from our parentsgrandparents so no biggie. Now, Grandma is also off her rocker which is to be expected. He died kind of suddenly and they had been married 56 years. We help her out a lot and that's fine she's super sweet and needs it.

Now comes Dad's side of the family, the great grandparents and the grandparents are all in pretty good health, surprisingly. Grandpa is a little shaky but doing okay. Mom is extremely resentful of this and it's causing problems between her and Dad (they are HS sweethearts- married for 30 years). We really want to do this anniversary dance for Mike's family but dear God: I don't think widow grandma will be able to deal and Mom will likely flip the f-out.

Out of 3 boys Mike is the only one who will get married and I'm only doing this big wedding FOR him and his family. I don't need a mental breakdown the day of with my MIL or grandma crying. 

So what do we do? There's no discussing this with Mom due to the fact that she is literally incapable of holding a normal conversation anymore. And we've already been called selfish by brother and brother's GF for even mentioning our wedding  AT ALL. It's all BSC honestly. Anyway, do we have the dance and say screw them or do we honor their long marriages another way?

Advice, thoughts, a dart gun for my In-laws? Gimme what you've got, people!

**Note: My grandparents would be in this too. 35 years for one and 40+ for the other*** 

coastiegrl25

I say the dart gun would work just nice.  I'm just sayin.  Anyway, maybe the anniversary dance with all the emotions wouldn't be the best way to go.  Maybe a mention of the long anniversarys and nice subtle memoriam.  I don't know how much this helps, hope everything works out.  Maybe by the time of your wedding emotions would calm down and they would enjoy the thought? So maybe a plan A and B and judge the emotions as it gets closer to time.

nottheonlydreamer44

I agree with dart-guns, as well. You're right that we need to see how it goes as it gets closer. However, we just told her last night we changed the date. She then found out it was their anniversaries and now says we're "disrespecting" her father because we chose the other grandparents. WTF?!?! My head wants to explode. We're going to do a memorium in some fashion, though. The rest will just fall into place I imagine.

[Deleted User]

Another option is a dance my friend did at her wedding in June.  Instead of the "countdown' to the longest married couple, they just invited all of the married couples in attendance to join the newlyweds on the dance floor for a "good luck" dance.  It was very sweet.

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thread-jack-oceanas-memorial-postlong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83022b79-9cce-444a-bea1-3b4cb1f047ccPost:d19b544d-464a-4774-9b43-e65c924a1f71">Re: a thread-jack from Oceana's memorial post....(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Another option is a dance my friend did at her wedding in June.  Instead of the "countdown' to the longest married couple, they just invited all of the married couples in attendance to join the newlyweds on the dance floor for a "good luck" dance.  It was very sweet.
Posted by AngieD&JoeD[/QUOTE]


^^^ It seems like that might also "set them off" if I'm reading the OP correctly....

Maybe I do not know the whole story but honestly, if it's going to upset TOO many people to honor long marriages, then just don't do it.  You can just have the memorium mentioned in whichever way you'd like, and that's it. It's not necessary to mention them, to have a wedding.

However, If you're "set" on mentioning the long marriages in some way, just have your officiant say something like "just as we admire those who have stayed together through thick and thin, Husband's parents for 30yrs, Wife's grandparents," etc.

It would make me sad to see an anniversary dance knowing that many in our guests have spouses who have passed away, so it would be a sad moment for them.  My opinion is just to skip it, the wedding is more about celebrating you guys' new journey, more along those lines.

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thread-jack-oceanas-memorial-postlong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83022b79-9cce-444a-bea1-3b4cb1f047ccPost:9083bd8e-2948-4f38-9bed-e860644f6e83">Re: a thread-jack from Oceana's memorial post....(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: a thread-jack from Oceana's memorial post....(long) : ^^^ It seems like that might also "set them off" if I'm reading the OP correctly.... Maybe I do not know the whole story but honestly, if it's going to upset TOO many people to honor long marriages, then just don't do it.  You can just have the memorium mentioned in whichever way you'd like, and that's it. It's not necessary to mention them, to have a wedding. However, If you're "set" on mentioning the long marriages in some way, just have your officiant say something like "just as we admire those who have stayed together through thick and thin, Husband's parents for 30yrs, Wife's grandparents," etc. It would make me sad to see an anniversary dance knowing that many in our guests have spouses who have passed away, so it would be a sad moment for them.  My opinion is just to skip it, the wedding is more about celebrating you guys' new journey, more along those lines.
Posted by whereyat[/QUOTE]

I see your point. It won't upset "everyone" but I do think it will upset FI's mom (who is BSC and his grandma on his mother's side.) We just thought it was so awesome for all of us to have the same anniversary (all those people are on his Dad's side). FI's grandpa is the only person who has passed away in his whole family - it's just a mess. :( We still haven't decided but I appreciate the advice!