Would you say anything?

heyimbren

So a while ago I was venting about my friend and her changing wedding plans. I had coffee with her today, to catch up and chat on everything. And it went really well. They picked a new date and she brought up how they had cut back on the guest list. I had thought she was going to come right out and say "and we aren't inviting SOs anymore" but she didn't.

Basically, I chickened out on asking or saying anything about it. So my question is, would you say anything about it? And if you would, how would you say it? Honestly, I feel like it isn't my place to say anything as much as it does rub me the wrong way. So I just wanted some more opinions, or even on how to bring it up. She hasn't directed anything to me specifically, but she sent out a BM message on Facebook where she told one of the other BMs that her BF can't come since they're cutting back, even though this BF was already told he'd be invited. But nothing was said to me specifically, even though I'm a part of that message.

[Deleted User]

I'm a chicken and probably wouldn't say anything. I would just wait until the invitation came.

heyimbren

Coffee, would you say anything once the invitation came though? I really don't want to come off as a jerk about it. And I think she and I are both sidestepping this because neither of us want to say anything directly to the other one.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:cacecbf7-9b51-4e79-8243-09c4af73a0c0">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Coffee, would you say anything once the invitation came though? I really don't want to come off as a jerk about it. And I think she and I are both sidestepping this because neither of us want to say anything directly to the other one.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Yes, I'd say something then. I'm just thinking I would wait to see how things are worded once everything arrives. And do you think she's saying all guests must come alone, married, engaged or not?

LizzyTish88

I would say something to get a clarification. You two are close enough that you are in her WP, therefore she should not get offended or uptight about you asking a simple question (we can only hope.) I would just bring it up and ask her straight out. No harm in asking.

motoLyn

Bren i think its best to be clear about the situation.  That way there are no misunderstandings.  I mean it would be rude to disinvite one SO of a BM and leave the others alone.  Just ask her, else tell her "Hey Justin and I are really excited to attend your wedding" and if she doesn't object to your BF being there then its on her head now. 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:260384f8-7e4f-43cc-8c7f-a9ad53cfe6b0">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you say anything? : Yes, I'd say something then. I'm just thinking I would wait to see how things are worded once everything arrives. And do you think she's saying all guests must come alone, married, engaged or not?
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]

No, she's saying they're doing it on a "case by case" basis. Her sister's BF will come, because he's a GM. But if the SO isn't family, or the couple isn't good friends with them then they won't be invited. I don't think any one on her guest list is engaged. It's either married or dating. So it's kind of a grey area. Once the invitations are out, it seems too late to say anything then.

heyimbren

CD and Lyn - I really like what you two suggested. My main concern is the wording of it, and I think asking her as a clarification is a better way of broaching it. I mean, in the end it's her choice and I may be disappointed with it but if I can find a polite way to talk to her about it then I'd like to do it. And I think that would be the best way since she didn't come right out and say it to me.

GreenPepperBurger

If it was a couple I wasn't that close with, I would just drop it. But if you are close with this person (and obviously you are, as you're in her wedding!) I would tactfully ask, "What's the deal?"

Personally, I think it's low not to invite long-term SOs of anyone, but especially of your bridal party!

Beads921

Sounds awkward, TBH. And I honestly dislike the 'case-by-case' basis thing. It's so wishy-washy, and will probably result in hurt feelings.

I think you kind of need to ask her for a clarification. Don't get defensive, just ask politely what the deal is. I think it's better now than after the invitations come out, because by then it might be too late. 

marleylikeair

Hmmmm. I would maybe write something like...

"Hey, just wanted to check in on the plus-one situation. Justin and I are really looking forward to your big day! We'd figured he'd be coming along, what with the usual wedding tradition of WP members bringing their SOs, but I know you mentioned needing to cut back on the guest list, so I just wanted to see what your ideas were so we can plan ahead."

Or is that too passive-aggressive?

Beads921

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:6bf317db-4e65-460b-9ef8-213b09683385">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmmmm. I would maybe write something like... "Hey, just wanted to check in on the plus-one situation. Justin and I are really looking forward to your big day! We'd figured he'd be coming along, what with the usual wedding tradition of WP members bringing their SOs, but I know you mentioned needing to cut back on the guest list, so I just wanted to see what your ideas were so we can plan ahead." Or is that too passive-aggressive?
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

<div>I like it.</div>

loopy82

IMO not allowing SO's just creates awkwardness. Those who don't have their SO's will probably bail early. I think it is rude to not allow someone's SO. I can see if you know someone is single and not putting and guest on their invite but not leaving of a known SO. I personally feel that everyone should be allowed a date, but that's just me.

I would ask your friend. If she says that you guys aren't allowed your SO's then ask her how she'll feel when you leave right after dinner.

Ok, maybe that is a little rude, but that is what I would want to say.

ravenray

I would ask her.  Honestly, it's a big deal to be on the same page with the bride.  I would want to know if I was an uninvited guest.  (not that you would be but your BF/FI might be) You could say something like hey I saw that email you send to BM.  Did that include my BF?  If she gets mad at you just tell her you didn't want to assume anything and though it better to ask.

eliza261

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:5ee44e61-b824-4527-bc9c-62e0996543bd">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a chicken and probably wouldn't say anything. I would just wait until the invitation came.
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]


this..

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:6bf317db-4e65-460b-9ef8-213b09683385">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmmmm. I would maybe write something like... "Hey, just wanted to check in on the plus-one situation. Justin and I are really looking forward to your big day! We'd figured he'd be coming along, what with the usual wedding tradition of WP members bringing their SOs, but I know you mentioned needing to cut back on the guest list, so I just wanted to see what your ideas were so we can plan ahead." Or is that too passive-aggressive?
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]
It's too passive aggressive for me.<div>
</div><div>I think it is rude to invite the bridal party without the option to bring someone, even if it's just a friend.  Long-term SOs should be invited together.  I would be upfront and let her know that proper etiquette does say that people should be invited with their SO's.  Maybe she just doesn't realize it.  </div>

bethsmiles

I don't like being in the dark about things so I would just ask her about it. Just say "Hey I saw so-and-sos BF wasn't invited to the wedding anymore and was just wondering if that applied to my BF as well."

If she freaks out, well I honestly have no idea why you would want a friend like that, but just tell her you wanted to make sure you were all on the same page.

MissOwl

i def think it's weird that she's doing it on a case by case basis. how odd. i would definitely say something to her. i think this is best as a phone call or face to face convo. things could get weird if you do this over facebook or texting. good luck bren!

heyimbren

I think most of you are right. Especially, GPB; you're right. She's one of my closest friends and if we can't be honest with each other over something as little over this (it is after all, only one day) then what's the point? I think I explained myself in such a way that she won't freak out. In the end we may disagree, and she'll do what she chooses and I'll leave it at that. But at least we can be open with each other over things like this.

For those of you who think I shouldn't say anything, I'm curious as to why. I'm open to hearing a different opinion, especially if it gives me a different perspective to consider this.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:4a624d2d-8ed3-4bab-9d09-786bed86d516">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like being in the dark about things so I would just ask her about it. Just say "Hey I saw so-and-sos BF wasn't invited to the wedding anymore and was just wondering if that applied to my BF as well." If she freaks out, well I honestly have no idea why you would want a friend like that, but just tell her you wanted to make sure you were all on the same page.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Beth FTW.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:64f30596-7d63-4307-8582-9ab4404ffb14">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you say anything? : It's too passive aggressive for me. I think it is rude to invite the bridal party without the option to bring someone, even if it's just a friend.  Long-term SOs should be invited together.  I would be upfront and let her know that proper etiquette does say that people should be invited with their SO's.  Maybe she just doesn't realize it.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

Something tells me this bride already has an idea that it'd be much better to invite SOs, and is going against her gut in the name of budget-trimming. I'm not the kind of person to tell someone "proper etiquette is this, so you should do this." IMO people generally do what they want anyway. I know Bren wanted to be polite about it, and I'd feel the same way in her shoes. It'd be one thing if she weren't in the BP, but it's hard to ask this without seeming like you just want to bring your BF (::footstomp::).

These are my reasons for suggesting a more "delicate" wording, but I realize it may or may not be the best way to go about this.

Bren, this reminds me of a friend's wedding a few years ago. I wasn't in the BP, and my friend asked me if I thought her best friend should be allowed to bring her BF of only a few months. I didn't know at the time that it was the proper etiquette, but I said "I think you just need to eat it. I mean, it's [friend's name], y'know?" And she did. It was way easier for me to say that, though, because I didn't have anything at stake.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:71aad4b9-c6c2-48ed-9d47-fca39eb27a89">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you say anything? : Something tells me this bride already has an idea that it'd be much better to invite SOs, and is going against her gut in the name of budget-trimming. I'm not the kind of person to tell someone "proper etiquette is this, so you should do this." IMO people generally do what they want anyway. I know Bren wanted to be polite about it, and I'd feel the same way in her shoes. It'd be one thing if she weren't in the BP, but it's hard to ask this without seeming like you just want to bring your BF (::footstomp::). These are my reasons for suggesting a more "delicate" wording, but I realize it may or may not be the best way to go about this. Bren, this reminds me of a friend's wedding a few years ago. I wasn't in the BP, and my friend asked me if I thought her best friend should be allowed to bring her BF of only a few months. I didn't know at the time that it was the proper etiquette, but I said "I think you just need to eat it. I mean, it's [friend's name], y'know?" And she did. It was way easier for me to say that, though, because I didn't have anything at stake.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]
I think it really depends on the people.  Most people in my family and FI's family don't know $hit about wedding etiquette.  I've been to 1 semi-formal wedding, and FI hasn't been to one since he was a ring bearer.  They are just not common in my or FI's family.  I didn't know much about etiquette until I got here and picked up a copy of an Emily Post book.  A lot of bride's don't know to do that and aren't well versed in etiquette.  Just look at some of the posts on E as proof of that.  I don't really know Bren's friend and it is possible she does know better.<div>
</div><div>I'm just upfront and would let my close friend know that is it rude to break up long term SOs, which constitute social units.  She's doesn't have to word it like that, but the message would be the same.  </div><div>
</div><div>FWIW, I think I'm a little sensitive because someone tried to pull something similar on me.  I made it very clear that we're not inviting young children.  Well, one family member basically said, "Mary and Mandy were really looking forward to attending the wedding".  I honestly felt like if was a passive aggressive way to try and pressure and guilt me into saying that the children could attend.  </div>

desertsun

I think your decision should be dictated by what you honestly think is best for your friend and what she'd want.

I feel like the rudeness itself shouldn't be a factor in deciding whether to say something to her or not. Wanting to know if your BF will be able to come isn't a good enough reason to insert yourself into her planning.

But if you think she'd WANT you to tell her that she's creating an impression of being rude/inconsiderate, then you should tell her. That's what good friends do.

hetshup

I'm going the completely opposite direction. We would have people ask, oh are you inviting so and so to the wedding. Honestly, it's her wedding. If they are cutting costs by not inviting SO and you are asking what about meeeee? It's like you are trying to add costs to her wedding. I would wait until the invitation comes, if she doesn't invite him, respectfully decline.

If she honestly doesn't know that she needs to invite significant others, yes, tell her. You are a social unit. If she does, you need to stay out of her wedding planning process. 

Goldlie11

I don't want to seem like I'm backpedaling, because I'm not.  Having said that, I really misread the OP.  

First of all, what she's doing isn't right.  I stand by that.  Not including someone's SO because the SO is not close with the couple is wrong.  Uninviting is rude too.  As is not letting the bridal party have a guest.  If I were the BM and my friend did that, I would drop out.    

However, I do think that you keep quiet about your BF.  Whatever cutoffs she has should be fair (like people who have been together for more than 6 months should be invited with their SO).  I would hope that she would also allow a guest to those who probably won't know anyone at the else at the wedding.  At the end of the day, it isn't your concern unless you do believe she is ignorant about etiquette.  Then inform her.  

If she invites you without your bf, decline.  If she asks why, then explain to her why you declined.  At that point, she might say bring him.  Or she will give you the whole, I'm sorry that you won't be able to make it line.  

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-say-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83f2a606-2ff8-44de-ab04-01358553eb1bPost:e48db937-e6bc-4488-98a0-079def18c504">Re: Would you say anything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you say anything? : I think it really depends on the people.  Most people in my family and FI's family don't know $hit about wedding etiquette.  I've been to 1 semi-formal wedding, and FI hasn't been to one since he was a ring bearer.  They are just not common in my of FI's family.  I didn't know much about etiquette until I got here and picked up a copy of an Emily Post book.  A lot of bride's don't know to do that and aren't well versed in etiquette.  Just look at some of the posts on E as proof of that.  I don't really know Bren's friend and it is possible she does know better. I'm just upfront and would let my close friend know that is it rude to break up long term SOs, which constitute social units.  She's doesn't have to word it like that, but the message would be the same.   <strong>FWIW, I think I'm a little sensitive because someone tried to pull something similar on me.  I made it very clear that we're not inviting young children.  Well, one family member basically said, "Mary and Mandy were really looking forward to attending the wedding".  I honestly felt like if was a passive aggressive way to try and pressure and guilt me into saying that the children could attend.  
</strong>Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]


Oh, gotcha. I didn't mean to imply a guilt trip or pushy thing--was just trying to find a way to insert the BF into the conversation and say something upbeat--that's why the "really looking forward to it" part.

That's pretty lame that they tried to use their cute children to guilt you. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

I like desert's rule of thumb, a.k.a. telling the friend what etiquette dictates if she'd be receptive.

mzm153

The thing that kills me the most here is dis-inviting someone (even if not officially invited). I wouldn't have said anything if she didn't send the e-mail letting one of the BMs know that her SO can't come. What if she does the same thing to other BMs' SOs and even yours. It is understandable the need to cut guest list, but not dis-inviting. Also I agree, the guilt trip is not okay. If it were me, and my SO got dis-invited, I would step down and not attend the wedding at all even if it meant cutting her off. If I haven't been with SO long enough (for example only started dating days before the wedding), I would be okay with him not being invited, but not if SO were long term (dating several months before wedding) and/or dis-invited.

heyimbren

Thank you ladies. I didn't mention me or BF at all, and I tried to keep it pretty casual instead of going "omg how rude I can't believe you're doing this". I decided to say that I was surprised to see that she had told the other BM her BF wasn't allowed to come since they're a serious long-term couple. Hetshup, it's kind of like what you mentioned. I'm not 100% if she knows this is an etiquette faux-as or not, and I'm leaning towards no. But it's definitely her decision, and I'm going to respect that now that I've mentioned the etiquette of it. I've thought about it, and I'm not going to decline or step down if BF doesn't come. I may end up missing some of the end of the reception with all the dancing, but it's just one day. I just think I'd regret not going over something like this.

hetshup

Bren- I didn't mean to get all uppity on you. It's a rather sensitive subject. And I'm brunette now, and sassy. 

heyimbren

I don't mind a sassy Hetshup and I didn't find you uppity. You were all being honest, and I appreciate it. I get that it's a sensitive topic which is why I wanted to get some third party perspectives on here.