I don't know what is appropriate

Jellybean612

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married.  Not in a some day discussion, but as in, we've both said we want to get married June 2012 -- one year from now.  He has referred to me as his "future wife" and it's very clear that we both have the intention of getting married.  He's told me that he has a ring picked out.  We've even discussed some preliminary wedding plans like location, style, etc.

But he hasn't asked and I don't have a ring.  This is partly because he's just now getting to know my parents and he's traditional and wants to ask my father's blessing.  Also, he wants to give me a ring and do a formal proposal.  So I'm not officially engaged.  But we act, talk, and even have begun to plan as if we're already engaged.

My boyfriend doesn't have hardly any money.  And that's ok with me.  We both live paycheck to paycheck.  And he's currently needing to save up for a plane ticket to visit his sister for an important event in August.  Between his tight finances and his need to save for this ticket (which I encouraged) I don't know when he's going to be able to buy a ring.  And he wants to have the ring to make our engagement official.

So... I don't know what to think.  I don't know where we stand or how to refer to our relationship status.  I find myself frustrated and just wanting to "call a duck a duck."  Also, since we've begun discussing wedding plans, I feel odd actually moving forward with anything and booking or purchasing anything till I'm "actually" engaged.  So, I don't know what to think or what is appropriate.

Does anyone have any thoughts or opinions?  Thanks in advance!

CCO2012

You are engaged when you guys decide you are engaged. Rings are not necessary but are of course pretty to look at. You can be engaged now without a ring with intentions of getting a fancier ring for you wedding ring or buy the "engagement ring" when you have the money. My bf didn't have a job when he bought by ring, but I didn't want a diamond and this made things A LOT cheaper.

But like I have already said to other today, do not plan your wedding before you are engaged. You will ruin all the fun before it even begins. Not to mention it is BSC.

CASK85

How long have you two been dating? How old are you? And, most importantly how do you plan on paying for a wedding if you are living paycheck to paycheck? I can give advice to you once you answer these questions three . . . (anyone get this reference?). Seriously though. tell us more.

SKP82

She specifically said that he wants the ring to make it "official" and that he wants to give her a ring and formally propose.  I would not consider you engaged.

OP, I would stop all planning and take that June 2012 date out of your head.  It may take him awhile to save up for the ring, and then it's going to take some time for the two of you to save up for the wedding.  So, stop planning until he proposes and then go from there.

kbbouch

I agree that you're engaged when you both say you're engaged, ring or not. But if he wants a ring  to make it official, you aren't engaged.

My BF and I know we're going to get married some day. We've discussed locations, colors, size, dates etc. We aren't engaged.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-appropriate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85fa72f4-4ab0-4d92-91d7-deb8eea111bfPost:66291641-e440-42db-b5d9-b6155db02017">Re: I don't know what is appropriate</a>:
[QUOTE]She specifically said that he wants the ring to make it "official" and that he wants to give her a ring and formally propose.  I would not consider you engaged. OP, I would stop all planning and take that June 2012 date out of your head.  It may take him awhile to save up for the ring, and then it's going to take some time for the two of you to save up for the wedding.  <strong>So, stop planning until he proposes and then go from there.</strong>
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

<div>This. If you're living paycheck to paycheck, worrying about planning a wedding is not really what you should be doing. Unless you're prepared to go to the local courthouse to get married. If so, then have him buy you a $10 ring at Target!</div>

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-appropriate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85fa72f4-4ab0-4d92-91d7-deb8eea111bfPost:4eb96c95-3f2c-4057-a1e9-fe7d7af90ed9">I don't know what is appropriate</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married.  Not in a some day discussion, but as in, we've both said we want to get married June 2012 -- one year from now.  He has referred to me as his "future wife" and it's very clear that we both have the intention of getting married.  He's told me that he has a ring picked out.  We've even discussed some preliminary wedding plans like location, style, etc. But he hasn't asked and I don't have a ring.  This is partly because he's just now getting to know my parents and he's traditional and wants to ask my father's blessing.  Also, he wants to give me a ring and do a formal proposal.  So I'm not officially engaged.  But we act, talk, and even have begun to plan as if we're already engaged. My boyfriend doesn't have hardly any money.  And that's ok with me.  We both live paycheck to paycheck.  And he's currently needing to save up for a plane ticket to visit his sister for an important event in August.  Between his tight finances and his need to save for this ticket (which I encouraged) I don't know when he's going to be able to buy a ring.  <strong>And he wants to have the ring to make our engagement official. So... I don't know what to think.</strong>  I don't know where we stand or how to refer to our relationship status.  I find myself frustrated and just wanting to "call a duck a duck."  Also, since we've begun discussing wedding plans, I feel odd actually moving forward with anything and booking or purchasing anything till I'm "actually" engaged.  So, I don't know what to think or what is appropriate. Does anyone have any thoughts or opinions?  Thanks in advance!
Posted by Jellybean612[/QUOTE]

Sounds like you're not engaged, as you said.  If wants the ring and proposal to make it official, he still considers you to be in a serious relationship.  I'd hold off on the planning. 

If he is really serious about getting married in June of 2012, he will make the ring and proposal happen with enough time to plan.  If not, there is no harm in pushing back the date. 

Sparrow87

When you have chosen a date (even just a month and year) before you're "engaged" I think it's safe to call him your Fiancée IMO. 

ravenray

I think you should stop planning until you have the ring.  If your BF views that as you guys being engaged then that is when you guys are engaged.  Don't buy anything.  Don't book a venue.  What happens if he can't meet your parents till 3 months before your pre-planned wedding date?  Or eve worse, after your "date?"  Just wait.  I know it is hard.  I would work on being able not live paycheck to paycheck.  Why do you need to get married in 2012?

lavenderfields13

Like PP have said you should not be worrying about planning a wedding when you are livign paycheck to paycheck. You're 'planning' on being married in pretty much exactly a year but he has no money to even get you a ring (which without it won't be official to him)..I think you need to stop planning and start just saving for your future in general.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-appropriate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85fa72f4-4ab0-4d92-91d7-deb8eea111bfPost:c02a2b77-aa7d-44ae-af43-26987b2b5dc0">Re: I don't know what is appropriate</a>:
[QUOTE]When you have chosen a date (even just a month and year) before you're "engaged"<strong> I think it's safe to call him your Fiancée IMO.</strong> 
Posted by Sparrow87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think it will <em>ever</em> be ok for her to call him her "fiancee".  Fiance, maybe.

</div>

bethsmiles

I agree with the PPs. If neither (or one of you) doesn't consider yourselves engaged then you need to stop planning. You don't need a ring to be engaged but you do both need to agree that you are engaged. But IMHO if you are living pay check to pay check you probably shouldn't be planning a wedding. How are you going to pay for it?

Sparrow87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-appropriate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85fa72f4-4ab0-4d92-91d7-deb8eea111bfPost:7c983480-c3f7-4b04-8c88-81c61de0ac7f">Re: I don't know what is appropriate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't know what is appropriate : I don't think it will ever be ok for her to call him her "fiancee".  Fiance, maybe.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

That's how I spelled it at first but then spell check corrected me and I went with it.  :) 

loves2shop4shoes

It sounds like you're not engaged...but if you're unsure, ask your BF.  Don't plan before you're engaged.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-appropriate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85fa72f4-4ab0-4d92-91d7-deb8eea111bfPost:07f482ff-1124-4952-a431-7f08cbb20d74">Re: I don't know what is appropriate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't know what is appropriate : That's how I spelled it at first but then spell check corrected me and I went with it.  :) 
Posted by Sparrow87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Stupid spell check!

</div>

lmwilber

Sounds like PP have this covered. But, because I am in a Black Letter kind of mood, I felt like laying out the general rules for this situation. So, here goes:

1) All that is required for two parties to be engaged is an EXPRESS AGREEMENT BY BOTH PARTIES that they want to get married on an expressly stated date. IF one party has stated that more then this express agreement is required ( such as a ring, parents blessing, degree, set amount of money saved), then you ARE NOT ENGAGED. You are not engaged to be engaged, pre- engaged, or almost engaged* You ARE in a loving, committed relationship with the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Deal with it. 

2)Discussion of possibly getting married in Month/Year and "kind of talking about wedding stuff" does not equal an engagement if there is no express agreement between you and your SO. You are required to STOP ALL PREPLANING AT ONCE.

 

3) If you cannot afford rent/food/car insurance/any other life necessity, YOU CAN NOT AFFORD A WEDDING. You and/or your SO need to have a LONG talk about finances right away. This is the most pressing issue, not what you want your wedding colors to be. If you are not capable of talking to your SO about money, you should not be talking about getting married. 

4) If you are young enough to tell the wise and learned ladies of NEY that "You're soooooo mature for your age", you are not. Maturity does not need to be asserted, it needs to be reflexed in words and thoughts. You are too young to be getting married. 

5) If you have not graduated High School yet or earned your GED (and you are not a Troll or MUD), go do your homework. NOW. 

*No kittens were killed in the use of these terms.-God. 

Sparrow87

BTW it sounds like you already answered your own question, by calling him FI in this post... 

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_budget-weddings_1000-dollars-even-possible

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-appropriate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:85fa72f4-4ab0-4d92-91d7-deb8eea111bfPost:9eef937d-94e0-46ec-b9f0-bf0ab0189836">Re: I don't know what is appropriate</a>:
[QUOTE]BTW it sounds like you already answered your own question, by calling him FI in this post...  <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_budget-weddings_1000-dollars-even-possible" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_budget-weddings_1000-dollars-even-possible</a>
Posted by Sparrow87[/QUOTE]

I think that makes it even more confusing.  She's calling him her FI in that post because she's asking a wedding related question.  She calls him BF here asking if it's ok to be planning before the engagement.

OP, some of Wilber's post does not apply to you (the maturity thing).  We get a lot of that around here, and I think she was just stating general rules, not to you in particular.

Peaseblossom55

I would worry most about finances, and not living from paycheck to pay check first.  Allow time to grow savings for your day, a ring and some financial stability.  A ring isn't necessary for an engagement.  Did I miss how old you were?  Unless there is a ticking biological clock,  I wouid not hold yourself to june 2012, enjoy the now and that it will happen.  

Jellybean612

Ladies,

I appreciate all of your kind opinions and wisdom.  Because there were a few questions, I'll answer them to perhaps give a clearer picture.

I am twenty three years old, a college graduate, and holding down a full time job as a social worker.  My boyfriend/fiance/not-sure-what-to-call-him is thirty years old, a Marine veteran, and also a social worker. 

My boyfriend lives paycheck to paycheck, yes.  I sort of do, but I have wiggle room, and as my parents do not intend on helping me pay for a wedding, this is why I presented a concern about finances -- it will be all upon me.  Which is ok, just difficult because I do come from modest means.  When it comes to planning for our future financially, living together and combining incomes will make things much better financially, so I am not so much worried about not being able to support ourselves if we "can't even pay for a wedding." 

But I do believe you ladies are correct -- ring or not, unless we explicitly agree together that we are an engaged couple, then we are not.  We both want to get married in June 2012, not because we think it's a necessity, but because it's what we both wanted. However, what you all say is wise and makes sense.  If June 2012 happens, then wonderful.  If not, while disappointed, I'm sure it won't be the end of the world.  ;-)

Thank you for the input, ladies, it was greatly appreciated.