WR: Opinions needed

Ember01

Okay... So here is the background story.

Future in-laws are paying for 3/4ths of the wedding. My parents are paying the other 1/4th. Both sets of parents don't want us to pay anything. I know whoever is paying, gets a say in the decisions, and FI and I are okay with our parents being very involved.

We are at the reception hall, and they ask if we are having children at the wedding, at the same time, FMIL and I answer differently (She says NO! And I say YES!). So, later we all sit down to discuss wedding stuff, and the topic of kids comes up again. I don't want 30 little kids running around that day, but I do want my 3 little cousins (all around 5-6) and my neighbor (same age) to be in the bridal party. Those are the only little kids I want invited. She reluctantly agrees, and says she doesn't want kids "ruining" their party. So, we are having a babysitter to take care of these kids during the dinner and if the kids want to stay downstairs in the playroom (that is already available), they can. Parents are happy that they can enjoy dinner and not be worried about their kids during the reception. I thought the problem was solved (silly me).

Yesterday, FI and his parents get together to discuss their guest list. They got on the topic of the rehearsal dinner and start making the invite list for the rehearsal dinner. On the invite list: bridesmaids, groomsmen, us, his parents, my parents. That is all. They didn't even include spouses of the bridal party OR any of the kids in the bridal party OR any of their parents OR my grandma who lives with my parents... So, later FI is telling me the invite list, and I mention all these people who were left out. His mom said kids aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner? What? I've never heard of this before? Uuuuh, last time I checked, little kids are the ones who NEED to practice the day before.

So, long story, short, who is invited to the rehearsal dinner? Who is right? FMIL (Only the adult bridal party and our parents are invited) or me (the entire bridal party and their spouses, and the kids parents, and my grandma are invited)?

tuarceatha

Yikes. That is stressful. I think you are 100% right, as a former teacher of little ones they need the practice and food as compensation for their work.

My 2 cents.

DanieKA

I've always heard and seen that absolutely spouses and SO's of the bridal party are invited as their dates. Just like the wedding. 

Now, it can go either way for everyone else, but I think it's pretty common to invite grandparents as well. I've even heard close relatives who travelled out of town to be at the wedding getting invited. 

I don't really know about the children and the rehearsal. I'm one of those people that kind of wants an adult wedding or at least adult rehearsal dinner, but to each their own. And I think that you have every right to have them at your wedding as part of your party. 

There's a difference between having a say and being a tyrant. Although she's paying for the rehearsal dinner, I think it's out off line for her to cut off everyone that isn't the parents and the bride and groom. That's not really a rehearsal dinner, that's just a family meal. 

tmacwin

Yikes!  It sounds like she is leaving a lot of people out. 

I understand she has a problem with the kids (although WP should be invited), but did she explain why spouses and grandparents were cut from the list?  If it's a money issue, would she accept you and FI contributing for these additional guests?  I know that may not work as you stated both parents do not want you to have to pay.

AbigailMS

At my sister's rehearsal dinner, and i'm assuming it will be the same as mine...everybody in the family showed up(aunts, uncles, cousins, friends) as well as the entire wedding party, ushers and all. not to mention everyones kids. I like kids. Some of the cutest pictures from her wedding were with/of the kids...and every picture that had a kiddo in it was one of our favorites. 

See what I mean?

Edited because I digress: I guess I feel like whatever your comfortable with is what you should do, it sounds like a lot of things are acceptable, and i don't know of any etiquette for rehearsal dinners.

Ember01

They weren't cut because of financial purposes. She wants it to be an intimate dinner the night before the wedding. Understandable, but I really feel like the kids have to be there to practice.

I know most of the spouses probably won't be there anyways, because of work obligations, but I feel like an invite should be offered.

As for the grandma, there is more to this story. My mom takes care of my grandma full time. My mom made arrangements with my aunt (who is out of town) to take my grandma for the weekend and take care of her during the wedding (she has a tendency to wonder off and gets confused easily). So, we expected OOT guests to be invited to the rehearsal. My family already made arrangements to pass my grandma off to my aunt during the rehearsal dinner. Now, according to my FMIL, my grandma or my aunt are invited.

Hazel_B

I think you are completely right. The only person that is even a question is your Grandma. The others are for sures to me.

SassyFlats

It seems really common for the bride and her FMIL to disagree on the rehearsal dinner. Honestly, I agree with PP- grandparents maybe, but the ENTIRE wedding party and their dates should be invited to the RD. The people who are actually REHEARSING should be invited to dinner. They're giving up their evening (or traveling an extra day early) to be there for this walkthrough. It seems rude to me that the kids (and their parents, if they're not in the WP already) wouldn't be invited to eat with everyone else after all their hard work for your wedding!

And especially if the WP members don't all know everyone at the RD, it seems a little rude to expect them to come dateless and twiddle their thumbs.

luvdncn90

I understand that your FMIL is paying for 3/4 of the wedding but IMO I think it is extremely rude of her to cut important memebers of your family from the rehearsal dinner without even asking you and to not even take your opinion into consideration.

[Deleted User]

we are inviting:
my immediate family
his immediate family
the ministers and their familes
bridal party, spouses/significant others, children (including children attendants and their parents)
out of town family
musicians and spouses/significant others

for a total of 86 people (as of today, it could change)

there was no way we couldn't include families (spouses, children, or significant others) without damaging family relationships on his side.  however, his family is hosting the dinner so I'm not too worried about it.  from what I understand they are cooking traditional Mexican celebratory dishes.  posole, mmmmmm!  it'll be nothing fancy, but it was more important that it was a big family party than to have something fancy.  it works for us.

good luck with your FMIL...  hopefully you all can come to an agreement.

is she very traditional about all this wedding business?  if so, maybe you can find some 'evidence' that inviting families/children is proper etiquette. 

Sparrow87

I think you're being perfectly rational, the WP needs to practice and it makes zero sense to leave out the children.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought part of the point of a dinner at the end of rehearsal is to thank everyone for their help? So shouldn't that mean that everyone gets invited with their dates to eat?

ETA for clarification

Ember01

I appreciate all the feedback. I didn't think I was in the wrong for wanting the kids to be there. I'll have to do my research and find a book that talks about the rehearsal dinner and show her it. She is all about proper etiquette and books. So, maybe as a pre-thank you gift, I'll get her a book about wedding etiquette. That would make her super happy.

[Deleted User]

my mom got one of those etiquette books and it's been a pain in the butt.    hopefully it'll help!

Ember01

Hahaha... I was just thinking that a book might become more of a pain than a help

Wish me luck, we are going to look at invites on Wednesday evening and we have completely different tastes I like a ribbon and some kind of sparkle. She likes very plain. I can't wait!

peekaboo2011

I think you're right.  The only time I've been to a rehearsal dinner I was like 12.  And it was a par-tay.  Seriously, way better than the wedding.

jilld82

I think your fmil is playing hardball because she is paying for a lot of it.

If my fmil was trying to tell me my grandmother and spouses were not invited, I would tell her to screw off(well not really) but I would tell her that we will pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite who we want.

If you pay for it yourself then at least you get say in the matter.  Host a pizza party at your house if you are trying to save on costs.

I'm sure if you tell her that you plan on hosting a pizza party then she might change her mind real quick on the extra people.

bsidebella

I was a flower girl in a wedding almost 20 years ago and I wasn't at the rehearsal dinner. I showed up to the wedding and was told "Put on this dress, here's a basket of flowers. Throw them while you're walking down the aisle and stand still when you get to the end." No rehearsal necessary.

But then again, my little brother, who was the ring bearer, and I were the only kids at the wedding. It was quite boring for us - and he didn't even get to go to the reception.

Ember01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-opinions-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:86f758b7-f126-4067-a2ab-c30695bb963fPost:36ad5d4a-4f39-4c6d-9f56-4433cf64fee7">Re: WR: Opinions needed</a>:
[QUOTE]I was a flower girl in a wedding almost 20 years ago and I wasn't at the rehearsal dinner. I showed up to the wedding and was told "Put on this dress, here's a basket of flowers. Throw them while you're walking down the aisle and stand still when you get to the end." No rehearsal necessary. But then again, my little brother, who was the ring bearer, and I were the only kids at the wedding. It was quite boring for us - and he didn't even get to go to the reception.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

That is just sad that your brother didn't even get to go to the reception.

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-opinions-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:86f758b7-f126-4067-a2ab-c30695bb963fPost:81863c7a-cbb8-4710-9fd6-3aa4dd8776fb">Re: WR: Opinions needed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WR: Opinions needed : That is just sad that your brother didn't even get to go to the reception.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]

LOL I was 7 and he was 4 at the time. He wasn't in the mood to be a ring bearer that day; he screamed bloody murder when my dad tried to pin a boutonniere on his lapel.

I was taken home early from the reception anyway, because a 7 year old with an active imagination can only stay occupied for so long without anything to do. Literally, nothing. I didn't even get crayons and a coloring book.

shipsinthenight

I was in a wedding 21 years ago, and I was at the rehearsal and the dinner, so this can go either way. It depends on the kids. I know that a lot of times people have the kids at the rehearsal, but not the dinner. Most little kids don't want to sit around while adults toast the bride and groom and presents get handed out. But these were church people and I have always had an enormously long attention span. I got a present too, so I was happy. 

I think it's pretty uncool that your FMIL saw fit to ignore so many important people. Sounds like you're mostly working it out though. I would say that SOs are for sure, as well as any close family you want. I like the idea of a few OOT, if costs and inclination permit. That's tricky about your grandma. I get it, though. My grandma needs 24h care, and whenever my time rolls around, if she's still alive, I don't know how I'm going to handle that. Sadly she can't communicate well, tends to sleep through most stuff, and doesn't really have much short term memory. I know she'd like the food part, but taking her out of the house is a lot of work for my family. We'd probably have to draw lots to see who's staying with her, or have my aunt and uncle take shifts.

It would have been better if your FI had asked what your expectations were before he and his mom sat down. But again, it seems like you have this mostly figured out. Good luck.

CASK85

I'm pretty sure this has been said over and over, but you, my dear, are right. Furthermore, it seems rude to me to not extend and invite to the spouses of your bridal party. 

We're inviting: 

my mom and her BF, 

my dad and his FI, 

my FI's parents, 

our bridal party and their spouses/SOs, 

the flower girls and their parents, 

the parents of my FI's cousins who are his GM, 

and all the grandparents. 

It is about 40-50 people, but I want them all there - they are the most important people in our life! Your FMIL needs to read some miss manners tips.

MLekathLEEN

I think you're completely right on who to invite.I was a FG once upon a time. I don't remember the actual rehersal but I remember the rehersal dinner and eating an entire plate of cheese or sunflower seeds, I don't quite remember which. I was the classiest flower girl EVER!