4 years and counting...

sarahechols93

So me and this guy have been talking for 4 years now and we have already planned our entire lives from wedding, honeymoon and everything marriage related to kids names and when we are going to start having them.
We are not together yet. He wants to make sure that he will treat me right, but I think he treats me perfectly fine. I really love him but idk what to do to make him realize that I am ready for a real relationship and to make our plans our reality. I just really need some advice.

bethsmiles

I would start looking for a man who is actually willing to be in a relationship with you. It sounds like this guy is just stringing you along.

Out of curiosity why does he think he can't treat you right? How old are the both of you? And have either of you dated other people in this four year time frame?

Elle1036

I think I need to read this 4 times to make sure I understood it.

peekaboo2011

Is this real life?

lavenderfields13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:26f106b7-56d3-4edd-887d-e7848552acbe">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this real life?
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Seriously. Is this MUD? I'm just guessing that maybe the 93 in her sn stands for 1993..as in she's only 18 maybe?

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:7f222b40-9b7c-4043-b5e9-46607ef4dcd7">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 4 years and counting... : Seriously. Is this MUD? I'm just guessing that maybe the 93 in her sn stands for 1993..as in she's only 18 maybe?
Posted by leese19[/QUOTE]

It doesn't really strike me as MUD. Do people really use their birth year in their SN? That has never occurred to me...

peekaboo2011

Alright, Sara(h), on the off chance that this is real life and you are not a troll with some serious MUD, ditch the bozo.

Seriously, no one does that.  4 years and you're planning a wedding and you AREN'T EVEN TOGETHER?!

Let me give you some really awesome advice, you ready?

Lose the loser.  Quit planning your life the way you think it should be and start living your life the way it was meant to be.  I don't care how old you are, you weren't meant to be sitting around waiting for some loser to just "decide" he's ready for a relationship.  You were meant to go to school, find your career, and find someone who wants you for you, just as they are then.  And when that happens, you'll know.

Got it?  Good.

Elle1036

Listen to Peek. That's all I have to say.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:26f106b7-56d3-4edd-887d-e7848552acbe">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this real life?
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '27bcf84e-af27-4b81-ae6e-0dd5e7bb908b', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/7/14/27bcf84e-af27-4b81-ae6e-0dd5e7bb908b.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

jorja86

Wait, what? Why in the world would you plan an entire future with someone you're not even dating? If he wanted to "treat you right", he would. That's a ridiculous excuse for not being with you. If you are ready for a relationship, you need to stop messing around with this guy and find someone who's ready to have a relationship with you.

lunarsongbird

meg65

Just to be a (sort of) devil's advocate...I dated my now FI for a few months until he moved after graduating college, at which point we broke up but kept "talking" with him saying he "wasn't ready" for almost 6 months until we finally did get back together. During the six months, I did date other people.  Whatever the whole "not ready" thing meant I'll never know, but he did work out his BS pretty quickly and got it together. Sometimes these things do work out.

That being said, four years is too long, and "wanting to treat you right" is a vague excuse not to be with you for real. Does "talking to" include "sex"?

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:9d2d864f-7cfd-493e-b2a6-25386f2a5af7">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to be a (sort of) devil's advocate...I dated my now FI for a few months until he moved after graduating college, at which point we broke up but kept "talking" with him saying he "wasn't ready" for almost 6 months until we finally did get back together. During the six months, I did date other people.  Whatever the whole "not ready" thing meant I'll never know, but he did work out his BS pretty quickly and got it together. Sometimes these things do work out. That being said, four years is too long, and "wanting to treat you right" is a vague excuse not to be with you for real. Does "talking to" include "sex"?
Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

I don't think your situation is the same at all. You and your FI broke up for 6 months and then got back together. You didn't plan a future with a man you weren't with. The OP has allowed this guy to string her along for 4 years without ever actually being in a relationship.

SKP82

I want to know your ages.

I also want to know if you've actually met this guy in person because you say you're been "talking" for 4 years kind of makes me think this is an online thing and you haven't actually met face-to-face.

Also, why would you be planning a wedding and kids with someone who you aren't even dating??

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:7d5a0390-c517-4a5f-8053-86dbd2722470">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, this might be the weirdest post I've ever read here. And that is saying a lot.  If you're going to post something four times, you should at least stay to answer our questions. Poor netiquette. Tsk tsk. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

I hate it when the OP doesn't come back. Why post if you aren't going to reply to people?

AudgiePodge

Maybe you should meet him first.

ravenray

Is your name Lisa?

polkadot111

You are setting yourself up for heartbreak if you are putting this much effort into someone who is not even up for dating you. Imagine how heartbreaking it would be if he just goes his separate way and you have invested this much energy and commitment to someone you're not even 'with' or 'planning' to be with. Silly.

Simply Fated

What has been keeping him from treating you right for the past 4 years? Prison? Marriage? HIgh School?

mymissingpuzzlepiece

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:b41f7113-3ed2-4109-b87f-fa14c247da85">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to know your ages. <strong>I also want to know if you've actually met this guy in person because you say you're been "talking" for 4 years kind of makes me think this is an online thing and you haven't actually met face-to-face. </strong>Also, why would you be planning a wedding and kids with someone who you aren't even dating??
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't even think about this. You are so right... this is definitely an online thing.</div>

cu97tiger

Well hello troll/MUD! Thanks for keeping things interesting around here!

sarahechols93

I haven't been able to get back on cuz of work and other contributing factors sorry. I'm 18 and he 20. It is NOT an online thing! Me being in High school did keep us from being together. I'm a senior now. No we are not having sex. I'm saving myself for marriage. We have been "talking" as in we have been close to dating several times but I wasn't ready to be in a fully commited relationship while in high school. But now that I am a little older I'm ready. He has familial issues that he has to factor into our relationship like how his mom has MS and he has to take care of her. I know this is a lot of info but I figured I could get real advice from women who are older and have hind sight. I honestly love him. That's why I can't let him go.

Swazzle

If you're not having sex then what exactly does "talking" entail?

If it's not dating then isn't it just friends? I don't get it. 

sarahechols93

Talking isn't dating but its more than friends. We both have feelings for each other but we have had to wait first off cuz of my age and secondly cuz of me wanting to graduate and go to college.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:9f8e7172-e023-4aa8-9f16-308dbab12242">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Talking isn't dating but its more than friends. We both have feelings for each other but we have had to wait first off cuz of my age and<strong> secondly cuz of me wanting to graduate and go to college.</strong>
Posted by sarahechols93[/QUOTE]

Well then it sounds like you continue to wait....A LOT can change in college- I would honestly go to college single. Experience the college life for awhile- give him time to sort out his life. (Does HE want to go to school? What does he want to do as a career? How will he support you and his mother? Does he have a plan for retirement?)

oceana919

sarahechols93

Yea he is in college. We have talked about him going into the military cuz of the benifits. But his mom was in the military and he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't know exactly what he wants to do but he is in college for early childhood education. We haven't really thought far enough into our future for retirement... I'm still young. By the time he wants to get married , I will have about a year of college under my belt.

Ollie08

I'm gonna ditto lunar...

polkadot111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_4-years-counting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9007a87c-ab37-43f0-a44d-1632d5dfde8fPost:a6e987c3-03b9-435a-a71e-c953d836aa1b">Re: 4 years and counting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea he is in college. We have talked about him going into the military cuz of the benifits. But his mom was in the military and he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't know exactly what he wants to do but he is in college for early childhood education. We haven't really thought far enough into our future for retirement... I'm still young. By the time he wants to get married , I will have about a year of college under my belt.
Posted by sarahechols93[/QUOTE]

So, you've already made a commitment to get married (and picked a timeframe) but aren't even dating yet? This is not normal.

oceana919

1) If you guys are "old enough" or "mature enough" to discuss fun aspects of life, like wedding colors and baby names, you are old/mature enough to discuss some of the "less fun" aspects of life - career paths, retirement plans, where you plan to live, how you both plan to contribute (financially, physically, emotionally) to the well-being and medical care of his mother. If you're not ready to discuss those issues, you are not ready to get engaged or married.

2) You should seriously consider finishing school before you commit to a marriage. Regardless of how much you may think you won't change in those years, you will. Everyone does. They are incredibly formative years that have the potential to completely and radically change your ideals, what you want from life/career/marriage, etc. What you want now may not be what you want later. What is most important for you to have in a relationship now may not be what is important to you later. If he really loves you as much as he claims to you, then he will be willing to wait for you. Period.

3) You really shouldn't consider getting married until you are financially independent and financially stable. There will be enough obstacles in life that will get thrown your way in the start of your marriage - you owe it to yourself, to him, and to your relationship, to start your marriage out on the most stable financial footing possible.

4) You really should date the guy before you marry him. If he can't man up and date you, but he's perfectly okay to plan imaginary pretty princess days with you, then I would consider that a big fat:



5) Call me snobby or b*tchy, but you should probably be able to write coherent paragraphs with correct spelling and grammar (and lack of textspeak) before you sign a marriage license.

sarahechols93

HE!! Picked the time frame. I honestly had nothing to do with the planning of that.