Right person but not the right time?

alyzzle11

I need some advice, my boyfriend is significantly older than I am, eleven years older in fact.  He is in his mid thirties and has his own house, his car, his job, the whole nine.  He's said he's known that he's going to marry me for over a year now and we talk about what we want at our ceremony, our reception, how we're going to raise our kids, where we're going to live...everything.  We're also both in agreement that we won't live together until we're engaged. 

But nothing's happened yet.  We last talked seriously about actually taking that step a few months ago and he said he just wasn't ready.  He didn't know why he wasn't but he wasn't.  He wants to talk about it again in the fall, so I'm hoping that something has changed.

But my question is, what if it hasn't?  If two people know what they want, they talk about it, they have it all sorted out and they're madly in love, is there just a point where nothing is going to happen?  Could it be that we're right for each other but this isn't the right time for him?  I want to be with him and start a family with him.  His age also plays a factor in this, I want the father of my children to be able to play with them, and if he's in his forties when we start having kids, I'm not sure how much that will happen.  I feel like I shouldn't have to wait around forever, if this is something we both want.  (And no, he's not the kind of guy that would take kindly to me proposing.)  Is there a point where I have to say, this isn't happening and walk away?  Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated.

Ana_2985

Assuming mid-thirties means 35, you have 5 more years to have children before he is 40.  Though IMO, that doesn't really matter.  My father is now 50 and my FFIL is 67.  Both of them are still very active.  They are still able to do everything with us (tennis, skiing, hiking, traveling).  Likewise, there are probably much younger people who can not do these things with the children for various reasons. 

You can not plan everything in life.  It just doesn't work that way.  If you love your BF and want to spend your life with him, then I think it's silly to leave him at this point over something that may or may not happen.  What is more important to you - having children soon or spending your life with your BF?

IMO, if you are only 24 and willing to leave your BF because you want to have children young than it's a case of wrong person and wrong time.  At this stage, I think if he was the right person you'd be more patient.  If you were 40+, my advice might be different.

bethsmiles

My parents are 50 and they are both still very active. My dad runs marathons and my mom does body building. People in their 40s are capable of playing and being active with their children. I agree with Ana, if you are are willing to leave him because you want children young then its not a problem with him its a problem with you.

alyzzle11

I think you're both right.  Thank you for your input.

lindsayrae1986

don't be too hard on yourself.  there's a lot to think about when it comes to committing your life to be with another person.  we all have different values.  to some of us, a certain thing might be very important, and to others... not so much.  and sometimes you love a person but you may not be compatible with them when it comes to core values...  in any kind of a relationship.  so you just need to find out, what are YOUR values?  what is non-negotiable to you?  not, what do you *prefer*... but what is straight-up, non-negotiable?  what are his values?  are they compatible with yours? 

marriage isn't all about being madly in love...  sure, that's a wonderful and important part of having that kind of a relationship with another person...  but what kind of foundation are you building that relationship on?  just something to think about. 

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense–love as distinct from “being in love”–is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else.

“Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

this is something i read in one of C.S. Lewis's writings, don't know if you know him...  but i thought this was a fantastic read that brings to light the difference between being "in love" with someone, and truly loving and committing yourself to someone... and in order to fully make that committment and to nurture that kind of lasting love, the kind you need for a successful long-term relationship/marriage, you need to lay your groundwork first...

so don't beat yourself up for thinking all that...  i think it's normal.  at least, i went through that same kind of thing...  i had to figure out what my values were, and we had to figure out, together, if our values were compatible and what things were important and what things were not-so-important.

i wrote a novel.  sorry.    good luck! 

[Deleted User]

You say that your BF has known he wants to marry you, but he just isn't ready and doesn't know why.  See if he's open to couples therapy.  It might be beneficial to both of you.  There are so many different types you could try.  If you're religious at all, you could look into having a session or two with your spiritual advisor/leader or see if there's some kind of group program you could look into. 

My FI and I actually belong to 2 different churches.  I've been a member of my smaller more traditional church since the day I was born and FI joined a "mega church" about 3 years ago that is more modern and has 3000 people at each service.  We go to each other's churches on occasion, but we've discussed that as long as we're both happy at our individual church, that neither should have to give up their own church (we've decided to revisit it after we have children), it's something that works very well for us.  With that being said, we are being married in my church and will be going through pre-marital counseling with my pastor together.  We are also going to go to a group program offered at FI's church that isn't just for engaged couples - they call it Relationships 911 and it's for couples at all stages of a relationship.  I think it's going to be great for us to get both perspectives before we're married.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted on how it's going.

bananapudding91

Calm down, and try to talk to your BF and possibly find out why he wants to, but isn't ready. If you so desperately want to get married and have children young, let him know how important that is to you.

I understand not wanting to make him a father in his forties. My parents were in their early twenties when they had me, and in their 40s when they had my baby sister. It does put more strain on them, and there are some things to consider when having children at that point in your life. Instead of retiring and just being the 2 of you, he'll be retiring to become a stay-at-home-dad rather than golfing with his buddies. He may not be able to play with his kids the way he can now, but he also may be able to. It's all a matter of the individual person.

But, like I said before, if it's really so important to you, have a discussion with him. Try to handle the situation on your own before going to someone else (couples therapy). In my opinion, it's best to resolve your own problems, not have a stranger or pastor, etc. solve them for you. But if you can't, take advantage of couples therapy and see where it leads you.

Good luck!

redheadfsu

I think that you need to have a serious timeline talk. Explain to him your worries & he needs to try to explain his position. Try not to get emotional, just discuss your concerns & timeline in a very calm & matter-of-fact way. GL.

Ps. My father was forty-five when I was born & although he is active I have a grandfather like figure for a father.

alyzzle11

Lindsay, Angie, Bananapudding and Redhead, thank you so much for your constructive advice.  I appreciate that you took the time to write something that could possibly help me instead of bashing me for how I'm thinking.  They're all very good suggestions and I plan on having a discussion with him about it.  Again, thank you thank you thank you.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_right-person-but-not-right-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9448dc2f-5b25-497f-880c-2c6cc3b7062bPost:b6257230-9a8a-4554-847f-b0e89e0ecfd4">Re: Right person but not the right time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lindsay, Angie, Bananapudding and Redhead, thank you so much for your constructive advice.  I appreciate that you took the time to write something that could possibly help me instead of bashing me for how I'm thinking.  They're all very good suggestions and I plan on having a discussion with him about it.  Again, thank you thank you thank you.
Posted by alyzzle11[/QUOTE]

no problem.  been there, done that before.  you're not a horrible person or bratty or snarky for thinking about this kind of thing...  because it IS important to cover all the bases before committing to something like that.  and you do want to know what's going on in his mind...  at least you're going into this with your eyes open...  make sure that you don't ride just on the emotions of the relationship, and that you both are taking into account financial, spiritual, physical, and other aspects of the relationship.  we all have our deal-breakers, you just have to figure out what yours and his are!

and who knows, maybe he has a legitmate reason for not being ready.  maybe it's related to his job, money, a certain event... maybe he doesn't think your relationship is quite to that point...  are you in school?  do you have a job/career?  maybe he's waiting on something like that...

who knows.  men are JUST as complex as women!  :)  or maybe he's just not ready, for no reason in particular...  good luck talking with your honey...  these kinds of "awkward discussions" (as my BF and i like to call them) can really be the glue in a solid relationship.

good luck!  :)