Wedding cancelled, what would you say?

SenoritaCupcake

So my best friend’s FI just called off their wedding because he wasn’t ready to get married yet (they’ve been together for 4 years and engaged for 1 year).While it’s better that this happened now, rather than after the wedding, that’s obviously not how she’s currently looking at it. She’s moved back to her parents’ house and I’m staying with her for the next week to support her. It kills me to see her so upset and hurting. You guys always have such great advice, I was wondering what you would say to a friend in this situation?

 

Thanks for your help!

bourgehm

I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure she's feeling pretty embarassed on top of just being so hurt. Just be there to listen to her.  I doubt she wants a big scene and for everyone to be saying 'I'm so sorry' and such. The best thing to do, I think, is just to be there and listen.

Hazel_B

Clarification here, has he called off the just the wedding or has he called off the wedding and ended the relationship as well?

bsidebella

Would booze make the situation better or worse?

CASK85

Wow - that really sucks. I would bring some tequila, some ice cream, and some really hard core action movies (with no love interests) over there and just hang out with her. There is nothing you can really say in a situation like that. . . get her out of the house maybe to go see a movie or just . . . man I don't even know. But I support my tequila and ice cream remedy. Good luck, Cupcake!

Hazel_B

I agree with Bourg, I don't think you can really say anything.

After hearing about something similar happening to my co-worker and another co-worker getting divorced. They had hoped that word would spread and people wouldn't ask about what was happening. They ended up finding that people were very respectful and didn't gossip. In the end they were caught offguard having to tell people what had happened. It'd be a good idea to encourage your friend one way or another...whether she wants things to be kept quiet and tell others in her own time or to allow people to tell others without her really knowing, so she won't have to do it later.

I know that could be really rough, but my co-worker found it really hard when she went back to work and most co-workers had no idea anything had happened and she had to relive everything again months later telling them.

SenoritaCupcake

Her words: technically they are not officially broken up, they are separated.

 

I don’t think anyone really knows what that means. He keeps trying to be her friend and hang out with her to make things easier on her, but I think it’s only hurting her more.

 

She has to work this week so she can’t get too schwasted yet (although I think she’d love to) and the movie sounds like a really good idea.

calindi

Yikes!  I'd say that's probably the end of the relationship - it's difficult to recover from something like that.

Just be there - tell her that you're there for her no matter what she needs - if she wants someone to devour a gallon of Haagan Daaz strawberry cheesecake ice cream with while watching movies all night, or if she needs to talk and cry and just wants someone to listen, or if she wants to go out and get her mind off things and have a good time.  I've said it just that way to friends who are suffering from a breakup - you're not putting words in their mouth or taking sides (and don't take sides ever - she can say horrible things about him, but you shouldn't ever say a word or even agree with her - it can backfire if they do patch things up). 

On that note, be sure to not criticize her guy at all.  She can say whatever she wants, but you should do no more than give her a hug and a sympathetic smile and say, "I'm really sorry to see you so upset."  Or something equally generic with no blame. 

[Deleted User]

Maybe a total girls day will help. Mimosas, pedicures, gossip, movies, ice cream, brownies, mass amounts of liquor, reminiscing on tween days and boy bands.

PaigeMcC

I agree.  Just be there for her.  Listen to what she needs to say and support her the best you can.  I'm sorry this is happening to your friend...shiiiiiitay deal:(

CASK85

Cate is right - definitely try to avoid bad mouthing him, even if she does. That can backfire later on. 

Movies: True Grit looks like a good action movie. And Little Fockers is out now . . . can't go wrong with a comedy. 

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-cancelled-would-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94a0ce5a-98e1-4d57-a1af-a90201b33c92Post:adbdd156-7158-4490-be6e-e23929cd06aa">Re: Wedding cancelled, what would you say?</a>:
[QUOTE]Cate is right - definitely try to avoid bad mouthing him, even if she does. That can backfire later on.  <strong>Movies: True Grit looks like a good action movie. And Little Fockers is out now . . . can't go wrong with a comedy. </strong>
Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

"Green Hornet" was hysterical and the fight scenes are epic. Best of both worlds!

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-cancelled-would-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94a0ce5a-98e1-4d57-a1af-a90201b33c92Post:49c433e2-ba69-4bbc-be78-38dad64630e3">Re: Wedding cancelled, what would you say?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe a total girls day will help. Mimosas, pedicures, gossip, movies, ice cream, brownies, mass amounts of liquor, reminiscing on tween days and boy bands.
Posted by amsybot[/QUOTE]


I can't even imagine what that must be like, but ^this^ sounds like a good plan.  Sounds like she needs some serious girl time...these sound great without being focused on relationships.    Other than that, just be there and listen and definitely don't bad mouth the exFI, even if she does, I'd assume a big part of her still wants to work things out, but also, don't give her false hope by assuring her that they'll work it out, becuase you just don't know. 

Basically... listen, booze, and girl stuff.

heyimbren

True Grit is good, with no semblance of a love story in it.

AudgiePodge

I agree with PPs. Don't bring it up, but lend an ear if she wants to talk.

SenoritaCupcake

Thanks so much you guys, these are all really good ideas. 

 

Thanks for the True Grit recommendation, I love the absence of love story, but is it super depressing? I don’t know much about it but it looked kind of depressing from the previews and I think what she needs is def a pick-me-upper.

 

She “doesn’t want to gain weight” and has previously had eating disorders so unfortunately I think the fatty food ideas are right out (although that would be right up my alley in this situation).

 

These non-man-or-relationship-related ideas are really helpful. I’m going to be spending a lot of time with her (everything from their anniversary to her birthday is in the next month, great timing on his part) and am looking for stuff to help keep her busy.

heyimbren

True Grit is really touching actually. I don't find it *super* depressing at all. It's sweet. Can I spoil it for you?

If you want a delicious snack, what about something like some really tasty, fun yogurt? In moderate amounts of course.

Could you do a spa day or something? Go get your nails done? Get a haircut/new hair colour?

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-cancelled-would-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:94a0ce5a-98e1-4d57-a1af-a90201b33c92Post:e135cd92-d9fb-4ed3-8f76-0f026e6463ef">Re: Wedding cancelled, what would you say?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Definitely avoid the blame game</strong>.  Don't say that you saw it coming.  In fact, if she does any of the above, try to distract her by saying "oh honey, sometimes you just can't predict what people are going to do.  Have you tried the bean dip?"  Then watch the Jack Black movie with the mexican wrestlers.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

Smart, smart, smart.

loves2shop4shoes

Tell her not to forget about the two men in her life that never fail:  Ben & Jerry.  Also, alcohol may be in order here.  

If she doesn't want to gain weight, take her for a mani/pedi or a massage.  Take her shopping.  Spend frivolously.  Get your hair done.  Watch a lot of violent slasher movies...NOTHING ROMANTIC!  Take her to a bar...make fun of the ugly people.  Tell jokes.  Don't bring it up unless she does.  Don't criticize him and if she does, just listen.

And hugs...lots and lots of hugs.

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wedding-cancelled-would-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94a0ce5a-98e1-4d57-a1af-a90201b33c92Post:cd3522e5-20fd-4b7c-8c16-7da62da29d43">Re: Wedding cancelled, what would you say?</a>:
[QUOTE]True Grit is really touching actually. I don't find it *super* depressing at all. It's sweet. Can I spoil it for you? If you want a delicious snack, what about something like some really tasty, fun yogurt? In moderate amounts of course. <strong>Could you do a spa day or something? Go get your nails done? Get a haircut/new hair colour?</strong>
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

A haircut/color sounds like an excellent idea. I know this is a TOTALLY different situation but 2 months after I lost my dad, my friend and I went to go get our hair done together - I got highlights - and I gotta say, it cheered me up considerably. It got my mind off of what had been happening.

dbezanson

I've been in your friend's shoes ... 7 years ago.  3 months before the wedding, he said, "I don't think I want to marry you."  We had been together for 7 years, lived together for 6 of those years, owned a house together.  The entire wedding was planned and many things paid for.  I was every emotion imaginable.  I can tell you that the only thing that helped me was time.  Nothing anyone said or did really affected me in any way, good or bad.  I was numb, and needed to work through it myself.  I, too, didn't know if we were broken up, separated, if the wedding was off altogether or postponed.  It was Valentine's Day that I decided to call off the wedding completely, no postponement, no nothing, and no saving the relationship.  I felt that if he didn't KNOW for sure after 7 years together whether or not he wanted to marry me, then his time was up.  It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life, but one that I don't regret for one second.  Most men that I met after healing from that experience paid the price for what one man did to me, and that wasn't fair.  But I had to protect myself because I realized the hard way that no one else was going to.  In November I am marrying my best friend.  Now the little details of centerpieces and flower don't matter.  It's not about the "big day", it's about the fundamentals of the relationship and the marriage that will follow the wedding.  I wish your friend the best.  She'll be stronger in the end.

[Deleted User]

Were they close to the wedding date? Its horrible in any sense, but especially if he waited until a week before or something.

luvdncn90

That is super hard. All of the previous posters have great advice. Sometimes people just need someone to be there with them and not say anything at all.


But it doesn't hurt to introduce her to the three best men she'll ever meet...Jack, Jim, and Jose. And they're backup's Ben and Jerry.

Ember01

I've experienced this (although I was the one who called off the wedding). Find out if she wants people to know and if she wants to tell or if she wants the gossip mills to do their work. I had wanted people to find out without me having to go into a lot of explanation. Like someone else said, this didn't happen. Everyone was very quiet about it. People I worked with didn't even find out about it and were asking how the wedding planning was going 2 months later.

Like everyone else said, just be there for her, but don't smoother her. It was nice to know I had people who cared, BUT I needed alone time. People seem to think they shouldn't leave you alone, but for me, that was what I wanted. I way already embarrassed and I just needed to think through a lot of stuff.

Careful of doing anything drastic, like a new haircut. I felt like I had lost control of everything in my life, and I felt like I could control my hair. So, I went to the salon and had them cut 15 inches off. I went from having long hair past my butt to a bob. And then I died it bleach blond (I'm already a blonde). I regret that decision.

Another thing to consider is, I felt like I had a LOT of support for the week or 2 after the break up, but after that everyone was like what? You're not over it yet? Keep being supportive. It takes years to finally get over a broken engagement and actually want to get married again.

On the day she was suppose to get married, plan something SUPER fun! You don't want her sitting at home thinking about the fact that it was suppose to be her wedding day. I had a HUGE girls only, "Un-wedding Day" party. I bought a ridiculously priced silver, sequined dress and we went downtown and partied. I even sent out unwedding invites.

Also, don't forget that she'll be at home on Valentine's day. My first single Valentine's day, my best friend took me to a casino and we gambled for the weekend.

Good luck! Just keep reminding her that it will get better. And don't be surprise if a year later, something will set her off about cancelling the wedding. I was completely over it and dating a new guy, when I was watching SATC: The Movie. When Big left Carrie at the altar, I had a complete emotional breakdown. I cried for hours over that movie. So, you never know what might trigger those emotions.

trebmal

Having been in your friends shoes, say nothing. Don't make it worse, because, trust me, she is beyond humiliated at this point.  Offer to come over to take her out for dinner or drinks but don't make it like a pity party.  And everything everyone else has said are also wonderful ideas...

joiner521

I would keep her busy. That is terrible he put her through that.