Not Engaged Yet

Relationship with parents ended. T&P (Long)

My parents have decided they don't want to be a part of my life. I've had trouble in cosmetology school. FI and I share a car. He just got a promotion where he needs the car every day. I called them to ask them what I should do. There's no way for us to share a car now. Instead of giving me advice, my mom cussed me out. She told me that if I quit school I wasn't mature enough to get married. She called me a child and not to talk to her til I finished school.

My grandmother (the one person I always thought I could trust) threw me under the bus. She had been helping pay my car insurance because I lost my job. I was in a bad car accident in June, and, to be honest, I'm still not over it. My right arm locks up, so doing hair is difficult. But, I still tried my hardest to get to school. I'm just behind because of it. They haven't been helpful or supportive of me. They've doted on FI. He has a good job. That's all they care about. If you don't have money, you're of no use to them. But, he's completely done with them. He's tired of seeing me cry every time that I talk to them.

FI's mom has been more of a mother to me than my own has. She's been the one telling me that I'm perfect for her son, and she knows that I'll finish school. When I was terrified to drive, she offered to take me to school. My mom told me to suck it up. (I was in and out of the hospital for a month at this point.) Meanwhile, my mom is telling me that I don't deserve FI and he'll leave me because I'm not good enough for him. He doesn't agree and really wanted to drive down there and tell my parents what he thought about it. I stopped him, of course.

Our wedding is March 24, 2012. I honestly don't see the relationship with my parents being repaired then. I don't know if I even want a wedding without my family there. They aren't supportive, but I still love them. FI is fine with eloping, but I'd feel even worse not having his family there. So, I feel stuck. What would you do? Should I just wait and hope they see that they were wrong? I just don't think I can forgive my mom for the things she said to me.

(FI and I figured out how to keep me in school, and I told them that, but that's when she told me that my grandmother told her about the insurance, so I stopped responding to them.)
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Re: Relationship with parents ended. T&P (Long)

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    thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Sometimes you just have to stand back and see what happens. If they don't come to your wedding, who will it hurt more? You, who will be surrounded by people who love you, or them, who will be missing their daughter's wedding out of pure spite? It's not worth devoting your worry to. Things will work out one way or another.

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    Stina51286Stina51286 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    First, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this.
    Second, I can relate. My father and I have been on and off again with regards to certain things that he has done or does. I've tried telling him things that are going on with his "FI" and he doesn't believe it even though I am not the only one who tells him this. He constantly calls me immature, a brat, that im going to lose my whole family if I don't change my attitude (mind you he is the only one who thinks this). He thinks that based on what I have told him about his "FI" that im trying to break everyone up, my mom and her H, my brother and his gf, my sister and her FI who I cannot stand but don't say a word. He told me he was done with me and that bc FI doesn't want to have kids and that I "forced an engagement" that we will be divorced in two yrs after we are married if we even make it to the wedding.

    I don't know your long standing relationship with your parents but the one with my father (as you can see I don't call him dad bc he hasn't earned that title with me) has never been a good one. He cheated on my mom when I was 5, he had from that time until now 10 different girls move in and out of our house (2 since my little brother's mom and him divorced 4 yrs ago). I don't agree with anything he has done and yet im the immature brat who needs to look at the way i "treat" ppl. My father will not be at our wedding since this 4 page letter he wrote me in November. Yes i know mine is 2 yrs away but the shiit he put me through growing up and now taking it out on FI is not okay with me.

    Id suggest looking at your past and seeing how it was. Is this new, has this always gone on? Yes I know its your parents but they are hurting you and potentially your FI and the relationship you two have.


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    SwazzleSwazzle member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, and as much as it hurts, you should not keep toxic people in your life.  I have a pretty shiitty relationship with my father.  It's been that way for years.  When I got engaged I called to tell him & he couldn't care less.  I came here to get it all out & these ladies REALLY helped me.  

    Hazel's words especailly stuck with me.  She told me that you cannot make someone want to be there if they don't want to be & you can't force a relationship no matter how much you want it.  Relationships are not one-sided. 

    I don't make the effort with my father anymore & you know what, I feel better about that then when I would call him to share good news about my life & he wouldn't care.  I would cry every time I spoke to him.  I am so much better off & happier now. 

    You do not need people like that in your life.  I know that it's hard, they're your family but you have to do what is best for you.  It sounds like your FI & his family are absolutely wonderful & you should focus on that to help get you through this situation with your family. 


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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you are going through this, I can kind of relate. My mother kicked me out when  I was 15 and left me to fend for myself. We didn't speak for many years, and during that time I realized it was the best thing for me to get away from her. Sometimes the worst most toxic influences in our lives are our own families. The stuff she is saying about you not deserving your FI is extremely hurtful and there is no excuse for her to talk to you like that.

    Take some time away from her. You dont need the stress and luckily you have a mother figure in your MIL. If your mom can't be loving and supportive, she doesn't have to be involved in your life. One day you will be able to look at everything you've accomplished and say "I did this for myself". It's an awesome feeling :)

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    kellyt89kellyt89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're going through all of this but I'm happy your FI and his family are being supportive and that you figured out a way to stay in school. I don't really have any advice on what do do about the wedding other than you need to do what feels right to you.

    Are you in physical therapy for your arm? Also, I know that money is tight but is there any way you can see a counselor to deal with your feelings about the accident and this fall out with your parents? You just seem like you have a LOT on your plate right now and are overwhelmed.

    If not, can you call a supportive friend and vent? Sometimes just talking through things helps.
    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    *HUGS* I'm so sorry you are going through this. My relationship with my mom is really rocky and she has said a lot of hurtful things in the past. BF doesn't like her because of how upset she makes me. Dealing with parents is really difficult because they are the ones who raised you and who should love you no matter what so when they are hurtful or do horrible things it can be really hard to sever ties. It sounds like they are really toxic on your life though and in all honesty not only do you deserve better but people like that don't deserve to go to things like their daughter's wedding.

    You don't have to make any decision ASAP but I think you should ask yourself, the reason you can't imagine having a wedding without your parents there - is it because they are your parents and most people expect their parents at their wedding or because you really truly want them their to celebrate this with you?

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    nyc1210nyc1210 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone. This is making me feel loads better.

    I have gone to counselling, but I quit going because she was so passive. I've had to look up breathing techniques and basically fix myself. I don't have money to do physical therapy.

    My mom and I have never had a good relationship. She's told me several times that she loves me, but she doesn't like me. FI has never liked her even though she loves him.

    I think I'm just going to go on with my wedding plans, and if they don't show up, that's on them. I'll send them an invitation, but I'm not going to follow up on it and stress myself out.
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    edited December 2011
    Well if it were me I'd still go through with the wedding. If they don't want to attend that's on them as long as you extend the invitation. Don't let them dictate your level of happiness in life. It's not like you're pushing them away because they are essentially telling you that you're not good enough for them and if that's the case then you don't need them in your life causing drama, family or not.
    "Love is more than an emotion, it is a verb you must choose to do everyday." Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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