What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent...

imJacksPGbelly

but I also accept that maybe I just need to get over myself.. I'll take whatever input people care to give, since I'm the one deciding to post this.


I think I am a very demanding person.  But I believe that this is because I am also a very GIVING person.  For my friends.. and even people that I'm not AS close to, but care about.. I will do just about anything.  I have always been this way-- to the point of stretching myself too thin because I never got anything in return.  I realize you shouldn't give with the idea of what you get back, and I never used to, but I actually think it was unhealthy for me.

So now, if I am friends with a person, I expect them to put just as much effort in as I do.  So If I'm willing to drive an hour to see them (and they're saying 'lets get together'), then I expect them to block out some time for me, and not just when it's convenient for them.

This is only true for my FRIENDS.  For an acquaintence.. I would still put in effort if I thought the other person was as well, but I wouldn't over-extend myself only to realize that the other person didn't really care whether or not they saw me.

Recently, I was heartbroken to realize that that's the kind of relationship I have with one of my sisters, who I always thought I was close to. She keeps saying we should get together, and so I keep doing stuff to make it happen.  Then finally she recently moved closer to me which would make it so much easier.  But in trying to find a time to hang out, she basically told me that no evenings work because she likes to be home by herself with her husband, and they don't really like hanging out with people.. but maybe I could drive down to hang out in her neighborhood for a couple of hours one Saturday. 

This may not sound like such a big deal at first, but consider.. I have a 5 year old, and our Saturdays are kind of precious.. especially since I have shared custody,  and it's a 45 minute drive each direction...  it seems to me that it's not too much to ask that SHE make the drive, rather than me packing up my son and spending 1.5 hours driving to get 2 hrs of play time.  Or else open up some of her other evening time to meet in the middle in terms of "convenience". 

For once, I decided to call her on it, and I have a feeling we will never be close again.  Basically she told me that all she wants is a "casual friendship"..  which I don't do.  If I call someone my friend, I sacrifice for them, but I expect it to be balanced.  If someone is an acquaintence, then I don't expect much from them, but I also won't put much into it.  And so that's where we're at now.. I'm not going to keep making all the effort, and since she Rarely has.. it probably just won't happen.

I don't know why, but it's really making me sad.  I just feel like lowering my expectations would be devaluing myself..  I just finally realized that I shouldn't be the one driving 1-2 hours to see her at work, or her house only to be brushed off after 15-30 minutes.  And she's always saying she really does want to see me, but it never happens unless I go to her.

Anyway.. I guess it's more of a vent.  I just don't understand.  I don't do "casual friendships".. especially not with family.  I'm either friends or I'm not.  Am I making any sense.  If not, feel free to slap/talk some sense into me. 

ravenray

I totally know how you feel.  I went through this not too long ago with my best friend who didn't want to be "best friends" any more.  I am so sorry.  I know how much this hurts and it must really suck coming from family. I am sorry girl!! *hugs*

peekaboo2011

I know the feeling.  I'm sorry dear, that really sucks.  And you would think that family would act better than normal people.  I don't believe in "casual friendship" either.  I'm very much the type of person to over extend and give more than I'll ever get back.  I think she'll come around eventually.  Family always does *hugs*

redheadtmk

I am really sorry. That sucks twice as much coming from family.

The only concern I had from your post is that you may expect it to always be 100% returned effort from your friends. From your post I assume that you are a very caring and understanding person who would realize that friends may go through difficult stressful times which prohibit them from making the same amount of effort.  Those times when they try to communicate/bond a little less should be the exception not the rule. I definitely agree that when all is said and done, both sides should have put in equal effort.

Hazel_B

I definitely understand what you are going through.

To be honest, I wouldn't say this is what you expect out of friends but out of family since it is your sister.  I can't imagine ever saying to my sister that I expect only a "casual friendship" from her. And this is coming from someone who has a big age difference with her sister and so isn't that close to her, plus we now live 7 hours apart. However, now that she is done school we are making more of an effort...we both survived a 2.5 week trip to Spain together.

Anyway, I think your sister is very naive to treat family so nonchalantly. I'd give anything to be 40 minutes from my family.  Family dynamics are a challenge. I hope she comes around but I don't think you will ever forget those words.

calindi

That really sucks!  A lot!  And I totally understand why you're frustrated and annoyed.

However, I've learned there's only so much that you can control in personal relationships, and it really comes down to the fact that you can only control how you treat others.  You learn what the limitations of the relationship are based on how that person treats you, and you then adjust how you react to the relationship accordingly.  We all have family members and friends who don't give as much as they get - and to be honest, there are probably days or certain relationships where we're not as giving as the other person.  It hurts, but it's the way of the world.  So you kind of have to learn to change your expectations a bit.

Anyway, moral of the story - it happens to everyone in some way or another.  People let you down.  You have to figure out your own limitations - sometimes we put more out for the other person than they'll put out for you.  My brother won't call if I don't call him, but I know that if I needed him, he'd be on the next flight.  So the balance is restored in a different way. 

NurseyK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expect-out-of-friendships-kind-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9713581f-ea96-4621-ac33-a7bf77bd452dPost:0f47b9ae-019a-4d42-ae8a-fbcda076b987">Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent...</a>:
[QUOTE] However, I've learned there's only so much that you can control in personal relationships, and it really comes down to the fact that you can only control how you treat others.  You learn what the limitations of the relationship are based on how that person treats you, and you then adjust how you react to the relationship accordingly.  We all have family members and friends who don't give as much as they get - and to be honest, there are probably days or certain relationships where we're not as giving as the other person.  It hurts, but it's the way of the world.  So you kind of have to learn to change your expectations a bit.  
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>Cailndi....</div><div>I needed to hear this. Thank you. This is a p/r.... hi ho hi ho, off to work I go!</div><div>
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[Deleted User]

I'm sorry that you're feeling upset and hurt right now.

I have to agree with Calindi though, friendships are not equal. If you're spending time worrying about who's done what for whom...you're probably not really giving freely of yourself. I have a girlfriend who definitely takes more than she gives, but I love her and I know she's that way. It is my choice to continue hanging out with her....so i've accepted who she is and made my peace with it. I would recommend you try to accept who your sister is and then decide what you want. If you want to spend time with her, continue making the effort. If not, then don't. Just don't hold a grudge...because that will not end well for either of you.

I once heard a quote that said "when people tell you who they are, listen". I think your sister is trying to tell you that she likes her personal time and though she would like a relationship with you, she does not have the desire or the energy to travel to make that happen. Though you may not like what she is telling you, she is being honest. Listen to that and then make the choice to put in the effort yourself or not.

Good luck sweetie! I know things will work out the way they are supposed to even though it may not seem like it right now.

caitlin.cave

I know how it feels to be putting a lot into relationships and not getting anything back, and I'm so sorry that you're getting this from your own sister.  Family should always have time for each other.

In my opinion (and my personal life) it's okay to have a few friends that you only see to get coffee twice a month.  (Maybe you'd call those acquaintances, I don't know.)  Sometimes you just have to meet people where they are, even if it's not where you want to be.  If you want a relationship with your sister, and she's not willing to work on it, you just have to do what you can do without breaking your back, and someday maybe she'll realize how important family is and start giving back to you.

imJacksPGbelly

Wow.  Lots of good support and advice, and things to think about.

One thing to answer..

redheadtmk- In case you were asking, I do realize people always have their ups and downs.. I don't expect someone to mirror me.  I just expect it to balance in the end.  There was a pretty big thing lately, where I was making a fairly large effort (out of my way, and not the most comfortable..) in order to accomodate seeing her more, and her reply was that she and her husband just didn't feel like it, but that if I could fit into the time when she wasn't hanging out with him, then that would be great.  It made me realize that over all these years, she's never once been willing to really make an effort to go out of her comfort zone.  And that's the imbalance for me.  I'm 2 years younger than her, but people always assume I'm the big sister b/c I've always been taking care of her in little ways.

calindi- "It hurts, but it's the way of the world.  So you kind of have to learn to change your expectations a bit.   I needed to hear this too.  Sometimes I have a hard time adjusting expectations.  I guess it's my turn to "stretch" in that way.

allusive007- "I once heard a quote that said "when people tell you who they are, listen""  I REALLY REALLY like that a lot.  I need to take that in.  I'm struggling with what she's telling me right now b/c it feels a lot like her telling me that my effort over the years hasn't meant much.. and I really have put in a lot in many ways.  So it's hard to deal with that, but like calindi said.. I can only control myself in this.. so if I need balance, and she's not going to put much in, then I guess I see where the bar is set. 



It's nice to just vent sometimes, but support and good advice is a definite bonus. 

Thanks ladies.  You're awesome.

J

Ember01

I expect 0 from my friends. I know they are busy and have their own lives. I'm never offended if they cancel on me or don't return a phone call. I figure if I have 0 expectations, they will always exceed them. My mom taught me at a young age that the only person you can rely on is yourself. I live by this now.

IrishDreamer

Hmmmm,

This situation sucks, and I'm sorry that you are in it. I have this type of problem too...especially with my mother. My mother has NEVER been the "motherly" type. I have just recently come to the conclusion that sometimes you just have to let people wallow in their own stuff. Let them have their own lives. Don't make yourself miserable trying to make other people happy. A friend reminded me of the quote "Don't make someone a priority if you aren't one to them". That's pretty much how I live my life now, and it's hard...especially when I'm similar to you and do everything I can for my friends.

*Hugs*  I hope this helps a little

IrishDreamer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expect-out-of-friendships-kind-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9713581f-ea96-4621-ac33-a7bf77bd452dPost:3f27871f-ad37-4d55-b932-4195bed6b92b">Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]I expect 0 from my friends. I know they are busy and have their own lives. I'm never offended if they cancel on me or don't return a phone call. I figure if I have 0 expectations, they will always exceed them. My mom taught me at a young age that the only person you can rely on is yourself. I live by this now.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]

I have combined that with my "<strong>Don't make someone a priority if you aren't one to them"</strong> philosophy...and man, do people yell at me sometimes for it. I expect my friends to let me down, I expect people to screw up....and that way, when they do the opposite I am happy :) People think I'm a miserable person because i think that way. Do you get that too?

Ember01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expect-out-of-friendships-kind-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9713581f-ea96-4621-ac33-a7bf77bd452dPost:9f85c49e-d4bb-4b16-b75b-65a9817575fb">Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent... : I have combined that with my " Don't make someone a priority if you aren't one to them" philosophy...and man, do people yell at me sometimes for it. I expect my friends to let me down, I expect people to screw up....and that way, when they do the opposite I am happy :) People think I'm a miserable person because i think that way. Do you get that too?
Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]

I get it ALL the time. That it must be a miserable way to live. But I don't mind at all. I think I would be miserable if people were constantly letting me down.

IrishDreamer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expect-out-of-friendships-kind-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9713581f-ea96-4621-ac33-a7bf77bd452dPost:d45cee2b-568d-4f6e-9774-6d5426bcd846">Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent... : I get it ALL the time. That it must be a miserable way to live. But I don't mind at all. I think I would be miserable if people were constantly letting me down.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]

I KNOW!!!! People always think that I'm not happy, or negative, when that isn't the case at all! I really enjoy my life...I just got tired of people's BS.

Sparrow87

That sounds rough I'm sorry about that.  I've learned that you can't expect family to treat you well just because their family, if anyone gives me drama or cancels plans I tend to pull back.  Then if they contact me I know it's because they want to be in my life and if they don't that means there's less dead weight around. 

Reading that back made me realize how pessimistic that sounds!  But it's truly how I feel. 

redheadtmk

OP- I didn't think from your post that it sounded like you expect too much, just to clarify my response. i was more trying to think from the other people's perspective possible reasons why they were not putting in much effort. that was the most logical reason i could come up with.

CCO2012

I am going through a similar situation currently. I have an event tonight that my "best friend" promised to be at. Which isn't hard for her to do since she lives 3 doors away from where the event is going to take place. Last night she called because the $25 donation for all you can eat and drink was just too much to spend since she will likely want to go out after the event ends at 9pm and then she will have to spend more money on more drinks. SERIOUSLY?!?! See if i climb out of my cozy bed with my man at the butt crack ofdawn  to pick her up, to take her to her car she drunkenly left downtown, so she isn't late to work ever again!  UGH! (I needed a quick vent too)

My theory is that some people are just plain selfish and there is nothing those of us who are not can do but try to be a little more selfish too!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expect-out-of-friendships-kind-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9713581f-ea96-4621-ac33-a7bf77bd452dPost:31268ad5-bd98-4f27-82f5-a4c946173d45">Re: What do you expect out of your friendships? Kind of a vent...</a>:
[QUOTE] My theory is that some people are just plain selfish and there is nothing those of us who are not can do but try to be a little more selfish too!
Posted by CCO2012[/QUOTE]

I think this is a horrible attitude. No one has the power to make you a negative person but Y-O-U. How does acting more selfish solve anything? That just sounds childish and petty to me.