2nd marriage for me, 1st marriage for him

wedding05

My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage - things as simple as what we want, what we don't want, the usual wedding talk. But this is my 2nd marriage and his 1st. I almost feel that it's not ok for me to go through the whole "normal" wedding process because I've done all of this before. And by normal, I mean bridal shower, ceremony, white wedding dress, etc etc. Any thoughts for those that are in the same situation as me???

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_2nd-marriage-1st-marriage-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9b0d72e9-3553-4d34-a6d6-9d7f4d0808ecPost:2b659b46-cfc0-4de1-886e-116566847b29">2nd marriage for me, 1st marriage for him</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage - things as simple as what we want, what we don't want, the usual wedding talk. But this is my 2nd marriage and his 1st. I almost feel that it's not ok for me to go through the whole "normal" wedding process because I've done all of this before. And by normal, I mean bridal shower, ceremony, white wedding dress, etc etc. Any thoughts for those that are in the same situation as me???
Posted by wedding05[/QUOTE]
How big was your first wedding?  Was it a while ago or recent?  <div>
</div><div>In general, showers aren't required whether or not this is your first wedding.  You do need a ceremony or else you won't be married.  It's doesn't have to be elaborate though.  You don't have to wear a white dress if you don't want to.  There are plenty of women who choose to wear colored dresses, both first and second time brides.  If you do want to wear a white dress, I doubt anyone will care.  </div>

bourgehm

I feel like this is something that should be discussed with him, not some internet strangers.

[Deleted User]

You should share these feelings with him.  Since it is his first wedding, he may be expecting you to wear a white dress and he may want to go all out for the wedding.  As long as you are comfortable with and want that traditional wedding then it is ok to have it.  It is your wedding with him and not your ex, so try not to let the wedding with your ex negatively influence your next wedding.

KatyRoseM

Do you want the white dress, showers and all?  If you want it I think there is nothing wrong with it, your getting married and should celebrate.  These feelings are normal.  You should look at the second weddings board, they are very helpful with these types of feelings.

Now if you don't want the traditional weddingy things, talk to your BF an figure out what you do want.  There is no reason you have to do anything but get a license and have an officiate (in most states) and maybe a witness. 

SopChick

It's really up to you two, and I think you should talk about it together.

However, since you asked for other opinions, here's mine. I think if someone wants to throw you a shower, and you would like them to, then let them. If you are feeling anxious or uneasy about having gifts, you could request that the hostess(es) say "Best wishes only" or something like that on the invitation. (That would be my advice for anyone getting married though - first marriage or otherwise)

As for the white dress and the wedding reception: if you want to have a big party to celebrate your love of each other, go for it! I know I wouldn't judge a couple who is happily in love for the bride wearing a white dress and having a great party. You haven't been married to your SO before, so why should the wedding be any less special? Some people may disagree with me here, but I feel like if you keep a level head about it, and don't turn into a crazy bridezilla, it's not a big deal to wear white and have the party.

Good luck!

DanieKA

I agree with PP's to do what feels right. But I don't think just because you've been married before should stop you from doing the big hoopla, if you want to. 

If you don't, but think he might want something like that because it's his first, I think there can be good ways to balance both your needs. Look, the whole white dress thing is about virginity. I'd venture a guess that 90 percent of us posters don't fall into that category considering the threads we've had about sex, birth control and what-not, but that's not gonna stop us from wearing white, if we so choose. I think it's perfectly fine to wear a white dress the second time around, if that's what you want. If you aren't comfortable, how about a color like champagne or or silver or (God help me) very pale pink or lavender. I've seen some stunning dresses in some very pale colors, so it still seems bridal, but not like you are an 18 year old virgin bride.

Having something very nice and cocktail like, but keeping it small (50/75ish) at a nice restaurant or venue that serves tapas or canapes can be very classy. You can do the whole ceremony, have it very romantic and candle lit, but still "appropriate" (whatever that means) for a second wedding, while at the same time not letting your groom miss out on something that feels like a wedding. 

Still get a great photog, cut a cake, make a few heartfelt toasts and mingle and enjoy some live or DJ provided Jazz or classic rock or whatever you are into. 

These are just suggestions. I'm willing to bet that your groom only wants what makes you happy. I've never known a man that's gotten engaged and said "YES! Now we can have that princess-y wedding I always wanted!" You can skip the showers, because really, that's more of a celebration for the bride, not for the wedding, but you can still take him with you to register for wedding gifts if there are things you need, or things he wants. That still gives people the opportunity to give something if they choose, without you having to go through a wedding shower if you don't want to. Just politely decline if someone offers. Or accept if you are okay with having one. 

It's all based on preference, but I bet you can pull off a second wedding that still feels like a wedding without going to the huge, blowout, virgin bride, poofy dress, place if you don't want to. But also not doing the extreme opposite where it doesn't feel like a wedding at all. 

Good luck!

SopChick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_2nd-marriage-1st-marriage-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9b0d72e9-3553-4d34-a6d6-9d7f4d0808ecPost:56c048be-9191-49ab-80f7-ff655b5d99fe">Re: 2nd marriage for me, 1st marriage for him</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, the whole white dress thing is about virginity.
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

Technically the Western tradition of wearing a white dress came about with Queen Victoria and was a symbol of luxury, wealth and opulence as it was only people who were of high status and wealth who could afford a dress that would only be worn once, and which would be ruined by doing any work. It was later adopted as a symbol of virginity and purity. North American brides didn't fully adopt it until after World War II.

I know you told her to wear it if that's what she wants, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just think it's a cool fact. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

DanieKA

Sop, Don't worry! That is an interesting fact, and I actually had never heard that!

It makes total sense, though. Eventually everything the rich have/do trickle down to the masses. Then sometimes the meaning stays the same, sometimes it's shifted or twisted by society. It makes perfect sense. The rich wear white. eventually others are going to try to up their status or show their status by dressing in white. Soon, white just becomes the norm, and our somewhat puritanical society has managed to attach purity and virginity to the concept of wearing white. And, of course, you had to be pure to be married in the eyes of the Lord...or something. Ha! 

Good fact to know, thanks!

wedding05

Thanks girls. I'm not overly worried about showers and such, but sometimes I feel like I don't have any right asking anyone to come to another big wedding of mine when I've already had one. I guess it's just me. I've talked with him about all of this and my feelings and he says that we can do whatever I want to do. He loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, so if I want the big wedding, then that's ok - if I want to go to the courthouse, then that's ok too.

So like I said, I guess it's just me feeling this way. lolol