Advice, Vent? IDK...

CCO2012

So I asked my mom and FI's mom to get a list together for us so I can send out the STD. Well, his mom sent me her list and its over 80 people!!!! Our wedding is only going to be 125- 150max! I'm shocked that she even thought that 80+ people was ok. I mean that's a lot of money! (FI's parents are not contributing to the wedding) FI is now in the other room trying to talk to her but it doesn't sound like it is going well.... What am I supposed to do?

TIA for any advice.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-vent-idk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a186f55a-1588-4acd-bdba-595bfa34865aPost:75759c03-5ee3-4f0c-be70-090fbbb12fba">Re: Advice, Vent? IDK...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice, Vent? IDK... : Just curious, but why would you not talk to FMIL yourself? I guess it depends on the dynamics of the relationships, but I wouldn't have a problem talking to FMIL and laying the ground rules. I don't need FI to play the buffer between us. If it isn't resolved after FI talks to her, then I think you should talk to her.
Posted by Ollie08[/QUOTE]

It makes it so there isn't an opportunity for a couple to not appear together on an issue. If CCO's FI talks to his mother then she is probably just more likely to accept that thats the way it is. If CCO talks to her then it opens a space for his mother to decide that she doesn't like that and complain to CCO's FI which will just create more drama.

Besides if it still isn't resolved after her FI talks to her then more than likely it's going to turn into drama and it could just be easier for CCO and her FMIL's relationship if her FI handles it.

I'm not saying she shouldn't talk to her FMIL if she doesn't want to. All I meant was that CCO shouldn't feel that she has to do anything. I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well.

desertsun

When it comes to wedding planning, as others have mentioned, it is best if you set clear boundaries and parameters with others.

I think weddings are like anything else. They are as stressful as you make them. YOU are in charge of your planning and day of experiences, and it's helpful to start owning that now.

In my opinion, it is more appropriate for my H to speak with his family. To me, it is more respectful of his relationships with his family, his family, and him to let them do their own communicating.

AudgiePodge

Tell her she needs to cut her list in half or whatever. Tell her how many how many people you're planning on inviting and she get so-and-so many for whomever she chooses and you won't be sending any stds until she meets or is under that number.

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-vent-idk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a186f55a-1588-4acd-bdba-595bfa34865aPost:4a596ae8-bf20-4eb1-991d-6e6b6ebd321e">Re: Advice, Vent? IDK...</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell her she needs to cut her list in half or whatever. Tell her how many how many people you're planning on inviting and she get so-and-so many for whomever she chooses and you won't be sending any stds until she meets or is under that number.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

Not that you didn't know, but Audgie is pretty freakin smart. Talk to her and just say that she is allowed to invite x number of people and that's the end of that. If she's not paying then she doesn't have a say.

ETA (and edited for clarity): I'd also take this as a lesson learned that when you ask for something give her perameters up front so she won't be surprised when you say no.

Ok, apparently I'm a lightweight and two beers makes me incapable of spelling as well as forming coherent sentences... That should be "parameters"

IrishDreamer

I agree. Audgie is a BA, and very smart. 

bethsmiles

I agree with Audgie except that YOU shouldn't have to say anything, your FI should be the one to handle it.

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-vent-idk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a186f55a-1588-4acd-bdba-595bfa34865aPost:a43d7b54-32af-4efd-b39b-84ca2291a152">Re: Advice, Vent? IDK...</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Audgie except that<strong> YOU shouldn't have to say anything, your FI should be the one to handle it.</strong>
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Just curious, but why would you not talk to FMIL yourself? I guess it depends on the dynamics of the relationships, but I wouldn't have a problem talking to FMIL and laying the ground rules. I don't need FI to play the buffer between us. If it isn't resolved after FI talks to her, then I think you <em>should</em> talk to her.

CCO2012

Thanks everyone, we asked her to give us her need list. Her thought was that not everyone invited would come... I don't want to think like that because we wont be able to afford it if extra people do come. She did say she wants to contribute, but she wants to talk to my parents about everything and what they are contributing. I know her and FI dad cannot afford to contribute any where near what my parents are contributing, I don't want that awkwardness anywhere near my life right now. I told FI to just tell her that they should contribute what they feel comfortable contributing. Guess the stress has begun... : /

jaycee7389

I agree with PPs, parameters are going to be your best friend to avoid that awkwardness. As for inviting people you don't think will come, that doesn't work either. There are people who said they are coming to our wedding that I never would have guessed actually would. I'm glad they are, just really surprised.