Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!

imean

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[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:65784093-d8a2-4f23-8bd2-be157ec130b3">Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my boyfriend and I know we want to get married around 2013, and we're planning out futures together. <strong>He's asked me on numerous occassions to marry him,</strong> yet he is still paying credit and student loans and won't have enough money for a ring until next summer, so in about 8 months. I've been extremely excited because I know he is the one and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, and make out commitment official through a traditional engagement. However, today when I brought up that we should go look at rings (after last week having gone into a store randomly at the mall and agreeing that we should go to a bigger store this weekend), he mentioned he didn't really feel like looking yet as its not like we're going to be buying yet, and that I bring up the wedding plans so much that he feels like I'm kind of in a hurry, and he feels a bit pressured. So, do you think it is unrealistic to think its a good idea to start looking at rings, since it's a huge purchase and we need to make an educated decision that takes time? I mention its like buying a car or tv, you need to do research, and he understands. He just doesn't get the excitement I feel knowing next summer I'll most likely be engaged. <strong>Do ya'll have any recommendations on how to keep the excitement at bay? I really don't want him to feel pressure either.</strong>.. Is it okay for me to feel hurt about what he said? Or is this a sign I should back off?
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

Hello, I see this is your first post here, welcome! :)
For the first bolded part, if he's asked you to marry him and you've said yes, then CONGRATS! you're engaged!

A ring does not symbolize an engagement, the agreement does, so congratulations! :)

Second bolded part, we here call this "excitement" BSC (bat- shiiit - crazy). My advice is to lay off a little and enjoy the time you're in now. There shouldn't be a rush on getting married, just enjoy the part of life you're in now and when it comes time, you'll know and be happy then too.

congrats again! :)

lennonkdc

I think that it's a sign you should back off. Your BF loves you and clearly wants to spend his life with you (from what you have said.) Let that be it for now. I know you want to plan, but as many ladies here will tell you- planning gets old.  BF is smart to want to have his finances in order, and since he can't buy a ring now (in addition to how exicted you are to plan) he might not want to fan that fire by 'just looking' at rings.  

Just relax, enjoy the time you have with BF right now, and know that you have found the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. 

SKP82

CLR - I disagree with you.  If they are engaged, she would have referred to him as her fiance and not her boyfriend.  As it's been stated many times here, we cannot decide the state of a relationship for a poster.

OP - if your BF is feeling pressure from you about an engagement, I would definitely back off.  While it is exciting, it does not take 8 months to pick out a ring.  Perhaps he doesn't even want your involvement with that decision?

Additionally, if you are looking to have what you call a "traditional engagement" (and by that I take it that you would like for him to propose with a ring and would then consider yourself to be engaged), then you need to immediately stop all wedding planning.  Trust me, wedding planning is NOT all it's cracked up to be and you do not need a year to plan. 

It sounds like both you and your BF are on the same page about getting married.  Enjoy this time in your relationship and let him do this at his own pace. 

Good luck.  If you'd like to stick around, the ladies on this board give great advice.

AudgiePodge

It sounds like he's not ready. Or maybe he wants to pick it on his own.

Why are you bringing up wedding plans if you're not engaged?

I think you should stop putting so much engergy and thought into this.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:559aaeda-e304-4129-9a28-3f9ea0e3cde0">Re: Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]CLR - I disagree with you.  <strong>If they are engaged, she would have referred to him as her fiance and not her boyfriend.  As it's been stated many times here, we cannot decide the state of a relationship for a poster.</strong> OP - if your BF is feeling pressure from you about an engagement, I would definitely back off.  While it is exciting, it does not take 8 months to pick out a ring.  Perhaps he doesn't even want your involvement with that decision? Additionally, if you are looking to have what you call a "traditional engagement" (and by that I take it that you would like for him to propose with a ring and would then consider yourself to be engaged), then you need to immediately stop all wedding planning.  Trust me, wedding planning is NOT all it's cracked up to be and you do not need a year to plan.  It sounds like both you and your BF are on the same page about getting married.  Enjoy this time in your relationship and let him do this at his own pace.  Good luck.  If you'd like to stick around, the ladies on this board give great advice.
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

Ah, good point, SKP... sorry, I automatically go into the "don't say you're officially engaged or not officially engaged" mode :)

bsidebella

What the eff is it about weekends that brings out the crazies?

I feel like we need a BSC template so we can just copy and paste responses.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:65784093-d8a2-4f23-8bd2-be157ec130b3">Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so my boyfriend and I know we want to get married around 2013, and we're planning out futures together. He's asked me on numerous occassions to marry him, yet he is still paying credit and student loans and won't have enough money for a ring until next summer, so in about 8 months. I've been extremely excited because I know he is the one and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, and make out commitment official through a traditional engagement. However, today when I brought up that we should go look at rings (after last week having gone into a store randomly at the mall and agreeing that we should go to a bigger store this weekend), he mentioned he didn't really feel like looking yet as its not like we're going to be buying yet, and that I bring up the wedding plans so much that he feels like I'm kind of in a hurry, and he feels a bit pressured. So, do you think it is unrealistic to think its a good idea to start looking at rings, since it's a huge purchase and we need to make an educated decision that takes time? I mention its like buying a car or tv, you need to do research, and he understands. He just doesn't get the excitement I feel knowing next summer I'll most likely be engaged. Do ya'll have any recommendations on how to keep the excitement at bay? I really don't want him to feel pressure either... Is it okay for me to feel hurt about what he said? Or is this a sign I should back off?
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>BACK THE EFF OFF THE MAN AND GIVE HIM SOME EFFING BREATHING ROOM!!!!!!</div><div>
</div><div>What are you, a used car salesman?</div>

SopChick

Honestly OP, he has told you he doesn't want to look, and that he feels pressured when you talk about it. I don't think he can give you much clearer signals that you need to back off. Give the poor guy some space!

ravenray

Geez calm down.  Let him breathe.  How old are you?  He can find a ring on his own without you.  My FI did 40 hours of research in two weeks before he bought my ring.  You will be fine.  It doesn't take 8 months to do that. 

caitlin.cave

Coming from someone newly engaged, it's not endless hours of fun.  I was so excited to plan for like an hour before I actually started to do some research and realized how much money we're going to have to spend to have the wedding we want, and we don't even want anything outlandish.

I totally get being excited, but the fact is that when you come home from whatever amazaballs date he proposed on and the high goes away, you feel exactly the same (at least I did) because you were with the man you love before he put some bling on your finger, and that hasn't changed.

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:78905ee9-108b-41bc-82fb-0177925799a3">Re: Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings! : BACK THE EFF OFF THE MAN AND GIVE HIM SOME EFFING BREATHING ROOM!!!!!! What are you, a used car salesman?
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]


You win the internets tonight, Peek! I snorted at that.

karlee4ever

So are you engaged to him or not? Do you even know? It almost sounds more like y'all are just talking about being together and getting married some day. I would listen to him and just take it easy. I asked my BF once if he wanted to look at rings because he made a comment about marrying me and he flat out said "no, I'm not ready". I felt so embarrassed and a little disheartened but then a year later he told me he was ready to look. I would listen to your guy and back off... as PP said "pressure=no e ring"

Try not to BSC. It's just not healthy

karlee4ever

Does BSC work as a verb? Haha

[Deleted User]

yes, BSC IS a verb LOL

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:9b6dab13-9200-4751-a4a1-3e55659325c0">Re: Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to everyone for the advice! About being engaged or not, I think we both need the ring on the finger to consider ourselves "engaged". However, we've talked about wanting to go to city hall and get married sometimes, so that's why I guess I'm so confused! Maybe he doesn't want the pressure because of the fact that he has so many bills to pay right now. We're not that young either, he's 29 and I'm 24, so it's not like we're jumping into anything out of immaturity. I'm just the type of person that gets excited about trips, etc so much that I plan for months on end! But you're all right, once the actual planning starts its probably gonna be crazy! For now maybe I can just keep browsing for things I like, without mentioning it. Its just so hard for me not to be extatic!
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Sweetheart, maturity has nothing to do with age.  My ex was 27 and possibly the most immature person I've ever met.</div><div>
</div><div>And every time you cite yourself as a planner, God kills a kitten.  So can it.  It's not okay to specifically browse for things you like if you can't keep it under control.  It is, however, okay to be looking for something else and come across something you may like one day in the future and stash it away in your head.</div><div>
</div><div>It's okay to be ecstatic and excited, but you need to focus on where you are now in your relationship.  If he's not ready for an engagement, then drop it.  FFS, it isn't a race.  Just be in your relationship the way it is now and don't think about weddings.  Your relationship will not suffer because you don't know the exact shade of ecru you want for your someday tablecloths.  Planning for an event that may never happen (I know, harsh but true) is not conducive to any relationship.

</div>

lunarsongbird

loves2shop4shoes

I think I'm going to disagree with the crowd here.  I think if the OP genuinely believes she's engaged, then there's nothing wrong with being excited and wanting to go look at rings.

Frankly if I were here, I'd be pissed that he "proposed" and then backed off.

*However, if they do NOT consider themselves engaged, then she's BSC.*

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:9b6dab13-9200-4751-a4a1-3e55659325c0">Re: Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to everyone for the advice! About being engaged or not, I think we both need the ring on the finger to consider ourselves "engaged". However, we've talked about wanting to go to city hall and get married sometimes, so that's why I guess I'm so confused! Maybe he doesn't want the pressure because of the fact that he has so many bills to pay right now. We're not that young either, he's 29 and I'm 24, so it's not like we're jumping into anything out of immaturity. I'm just the type of person that gets excited about trips, etc so much that I plan for months on end! But you're all right, once the actual planning starts its probably gonna be crazy! <strong>For now maybe I can just keep browsing for things I like, without mentioning it.</strong> Its just so hard for me not to be extatic!
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

No need to do this.  That's what the engagement period is for.  Forget about the ring and enjoy your time together as boyfriend and girlfriend.  It's a great time, and once you're engaged, he will never again be your boyfriend.  Live in the now, not in the future.

audrewuh

OP- BF and I were in a similar state most of the summer. I was (still get sometimes) BSC over it and I could tell it was really starting to hurt our relationship. So I shut it. I stopped looking online, I stopped trying to take him to stores I stopped bringing it up in conversation. Last month, HE brought up looking at rings, HE got me in the car to go to the store (and back again later that week) and HE made most of the comments on the rings I tried on. He keeps the ring's id number in a safe place and has told me that's the one, and I need to hush it and wait. So I do. 

So my advice for the health of your own relationship is much like PPs: CALM DOWN!! When HE is ready, he'll make the first move. So just bite your tounge, put your internet on lockdown, and enjoy your time with him.

Yaga was spot on: Pressure = no e ring

leia1979

Seriously, as others have said, don't pre-plan. You're robbing yourself of a good experience.

By about halfway through our one year engagement, I was kind of done with planning, and I usually love planning things. The sooner you start planning, the sooner you will be sick of it, so just don't do it.

squishy17

Just drop it. He will realize you stopped talking about it and possibly start thinking about it more. Worked for me! Good luck!

caitlin.cave

Being engaged is a two-person thing.  You can't be engaged unless you both consider yourselves engaged.  Do you consider yourself engaged?

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:6559672a-ca15-4eb6-89f9-f0882cc43bf1">Re: Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Being engaged is a two-person thing.  You can't be engaged unless you both consider yourselves engaged.  <strong>Do you consider yourself engaged?
</strong>Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriend-casually-asked-marry-him-but-feels-pressured-mention-looking-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a21397c2-bee5-400e-bfe4-8582ccd74382Post:9b6dab13-9200-4751-a4a1-3e55659325c0">Re: Boyfriend has casually asked me to marry him, but feels pressured when I mention looking at rings!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to everyone for the advice! About being engaged or not, I think <strong>we both need the ring on the finger to consider ourselves "engaged".</strong> However, we've talked about wanting to go to city hall and get married sometimes, so that's why I guess I'm so confused! Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

I would think no.  I am confused...

ETA: So, OP, are you now going to tell everyone that you are engaged and call him your fiance?