Expectations

aperfectloss06

BF and I are in this rut.  I'm expecting more things from him, and he is expecting more things from me. I want more love, romance, and he wants more sex. And with both of us being super subborn and not wanting to compromise, well.. we are having some problems.

I'm having the biggest problem with what is ok to expect and what is not?  I'm well aware we need to sit down and openly talk.  But I want to get my priorities straight first. I'm really curious to know what is ok to say after... "I expect this out you/our relationship.."  and what usually isnt said. 

For instance, as much as I would LOVE more surprises and to get more flowers, etc.., most people don't just come out and say... "I expect you to surprise me more and bring me more flowers" Usually it wont happen if you tell them that anyways.

But there are times when he is upsetting me and I come back with, "but I expect that in a relationship!" And that usually makes him upset that he is not providing me with what I want, but it doesnt usually work either.  For example, I expect him to help with housework. (we still have separate homes, but 4+ days out of the week he is at my house and basically lives there) and I feel like that is a normal expectation to have and it's ok to talk about, even though he sometimes doesnt think it is.

But heres the issue: there's that fine line between what is appropiate to call an expectation and to bring it up in conversation and what is not appropiate and not a real expectation (I expect you to help support our family vs I expect flowers once a month)  Where do you draw that line? Whats ok to expect and what's not? 

And oh... how do your get your guy do do nice surprising things for you without telling him you expect it? ;-)  Like get you flowers and plan a date night  - or fix that one thing you have been asking him to fix forever?  ;-)

Guh I don't like the word "expect" anymore

Blue & White

I agree with the BF on the housekeeping one.  If he lives in another house, I don't think he's required to clean up yours.  That being said, if he's a pig, I'd expect him to have some manners and not trash your place.  That's just common courtesy, though, not an expectation for a relationship.

I try not to expect much from my BF, but he tends to surprise me with the romantic gestures at times.  I don't think he's ever gotten me flowers though, because I would probably laugh at him.  So I think some of that is just him knowing who you are and what you'd want out of a relationship, which I think just comes with time.

I also think it's a bit unhealthy to say, trade "more sex" for "more romance".  I mean, if you're not on the same page with each of those, it seems like your relationship might be in trouble.  I would maybe talk about those expectations specifically and go from there.

But if you expect him to propose just because you had a talk about sex and romance, then you might be barking up the wrong tree.  No ultimatums, please.

lunarsongbird

You and your BF should read the Love Languages- http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

And you may also want to read, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus in the Bedroom."

orangehills

Don't expect too much, then you won't be let down!

But really, you need to figure out what are your deal breakers. If you think you can be happy w/o getting flowers and all that little romantic stuff, then good, if not- maybe he's not the one for you. A lot of guys don't do that, but really- what is romance? To me, I may not get flowers or having my bf plan a romantic night out (though he will if I ask) it's romantic to me that he'll get out and pump my gas. Or cook me dinner. Or give me a massage when I'm sore, or play with my dog... The little things that actually make a life. Not tiny little gestures like leaving love notes or something.

As for the housecleaning- I agree with PP- he should clean up his messes, but it's your house for now, so you clean it.

polkadot111

Expectations are dumb when you don't let the other one know what you 'expect'. That always is a recipe for not getting what you expect.

Exibit A: Just last night I expected FI to call me right at nine since he knew I had something going on later that night. Well I didn't tell him that. So then I am sad that he didnt just 'know'. I was being dumb because I can't expect something from him without him even knowing.

AnneR15

I don't think anything should be off limits in your relationship to talk about. You can't expect him to do certain things if you don't tell him you want him to do them!

Anything I could tell you on how to get him to bring you flowers or plan date nights would be passive aggressive and/or manipulative, things which have no place in a healthy relationship.

You want him to be more romantic? Give him specific ideas of what you would like. Ask him to bring you flowers (it's okay to do that)! You don't have to be cryptic or anything. If you think you can just give little passive aggressive hints and that he'll pick up on them, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I'm not trying to be a pessimist or anything - I just think you should be able to have an open, honest discussion with your BF about what you want out of the relationship.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a406be31-399a-4253-85d0-91f47b3b97faPost:ae5cce04-fdfc-403b-bd73-13d78aa3dafe">Re: Expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]Expectations are dumb when you don't let the other one know what you 'expect'. That always is a recipe for not getting what you expect. <strong>Exibit A: Just last night I expected FI to call me right at nine since he knew I had something going on later that night. Well I didn't tell him that. So then I am sad that he didnt just 'know'. I was being dumb because I can't expect something from him without him even knowing.</strong>
Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]

<div>I can't tell you how many times I used to do stuff like this with FI. It's like I expected him to be a mind-reader. Life is a LOT better now that I tell him what I'd like, or what I expect. He's usually happy to do whatever it is, it's just that before, he didn't know it.</div><div>
</div><div>To OP - almost everyone likes to be surprised with flowers/gifts every once in awhile. If your BF doesn't do this and you'd like him to do it more, tell him. But you also have to realize that he is who he is, so if it's not his standard MO, then it probably never will be. Can you live with that? </div>

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a406be31-399a-4253-85d0-91f47b3b97faPost:6be3496a-baba-40a8-ab76-32b193a57bbd">Re: Expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]To OP - almost everyone likes to be surprised with flowers/gifts every once in awhile. If your BF doesn't do this and you'd like him to do it more, tell him. But you also have to realize that he is who he is, so if it's not his standard MO, then it probably never will be. <strong>Can you live with that?</strong> 
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of the PP, but the biggest question is from tiger. <strong>Can you live with that?</strong>

FI is not romantic. At all. So instead of dropping passive agressive hints, I give him detailed things that I want. For example, "You know, I would really really really love it if you would plan a special night for us. Like make dinner, buy me flowers, take me out to that restaurant we've been waiting to try, dress up for no reason etc" And then a few weeks later he'll do something like that. But if I didn't give him the idea and tell him what I want, then he wouldn't do it. He just can't come up with that stuff on his own.

Another example, the other night I got a little frustrated that I'm the only one who does the mopping, scrubbing of the toilets, cleaning of the bathrooms etc. I've told him this a million and one times, and he promises he'll start helping out more. Finally I just looked at it and said, "Is this a deal breaker for me? Either I can live with it, or I can't, so what's it gonna be?" And ultimately I decided that I would suck it up. I'd ask for his help from time to time, but it wasn't something I was prepared to spend the rest of my life arguing over.

I remind myself of the things he does do. He does the laundry, which I HATE putting laundry away, but he does it for me. And he makes me coffee every single day. I look for all the little things that really add up, not what some romantic comedy tells me what he should be doing.

DanieKA

I might be weird. Am I the only one who thinks that having expectations isn't a bad thing? Something about having none and then expecting nothing and being pleasantly surprised when something happens seems like it devalues the woman (or whoever has no expectations). Like I don't deserve anything, so don't expect it. I dunno something about that sentiment just doesn't sit right with me. 

BUT, as with all things, I think it's all about the reasonableness of the expectation and communication. And I think there's a difference between the common courtesy all people should have and the expectations between 2 romantic partners. 

But I more or less agree with what PP's have said. If it's just not in your BF's nature to do the flowers/romance thing, you have 2 options. Like Ollie you kind of have to suck it up and express that you'd like that every once in a while and hope he'll plan it. Or weigh whether you can live with whatever issue it is for the long haul. Of course someone not bringing you flowers is probably not a deal breaker, but for those other issues or expectations, it might be. We really can't help with that, it's something you need to decide for yourself. 

Good Luck. Hope you get out of your rut!

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a406be31-399a-4253-85d0-91f47b3b97faPost:1cda3e5c-cfad-49d3-aa5b-f35bb1a939f3">Expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]BF and I are in this rut.  I'm expecting more things from him, and he is expecting more things from me. I want more love, romance, and he wants more sex. And with both of us being super subborn and not wanting to compromise, well.. we are having some problems. I'm having the biggest problem with what is ok to expect and what is not?  I'm well aware we need to sit down and openly talk.  But I want to get my priorities straight first. I'm really curious to know what is ok to say after... "I expect this out you/our relationship.."  and what usually isnt said.  For instance, as much as I would LOVE more surprises and to get more flowers, etc.., most people don't just come out and say... "I expect you to surprise me more and bring me more flowers" Usually it wont happen if you tell them that anyways. :) But there are times when he is upsetting me and I come back with, "but I expect that in a relationship!" And that usually makes him upset that he is not providing me with what I want, but it doesnt usually work either.  For example, I expect him to help with housework. (we still have separate homes, but 4+ days out of the week he is at my house and basically lives there) and I feel like that is a normal expectation to have and it's ok to talk about, even though he sometimes doesnt think it is. But heres the issue: there's that fine line between what is appropiate to call an expectation and to bring it up in conversation and what is not appropiate and not a real expectation (I expect you to help support our family vs I expect flowers once a month)  Where do you draw that line? Whats ok to expect and what's not?  And oh... how do your get your guy do do nice surprising things for you without telling him you expect it? ;-)  Like get you flowers and plan a date night  - or fix that one thing you have been asking him to fix forever?  ;-) Guh I don't like the word "expect" anymore :)
Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

Do you really EXPECT that your SO will bring you flowers?

To me, that is not an expectation. That's a nice bonus.

Basic expectations are respect, honesty, and trust.

I think you need to take a look at who your BF is. If he is not the type to bring flowers, or plan spontaneous romantic surprises, or to pitch in with picking up and cleaning without ever being asked....he is NEVER going to magically turn into someone who does those things.

Your BF is who he is, and "expecting" him to be someone else is a recipe for unhappiness, IMO.

Think about your "love languages" and talk about what you can do for each to express how you feel in a way the other will understand.
<a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.5lovelanguages.com/</a>
This is an extremely useful way of looking at relationships.

You don't have to have "expectations." Sometimes, saying "I expect you to help around the house" can come across as negatively, and therefore isn't the most constructive way to approach things.

You can just TALK to your BF. "Hey hon, it bothers me to feel like you're here so much, contributing to dirt and germs in the kitchen and bathroom, but you don't help with the cleaning. I somtimes feel like I am cleaning up after us both instead of just myself, and it doesn't seem very fair to me. What would you think about taking a turn with dishes and cleaning toilets once in a while?" This elicits HIS input, helps him understand where you're coming from, and is in general a much more constructive way to approach things like this b/c you're more likely to have a positive result if he feels like he gets a say.

But you also need to understand that there is only so much you can expect someone else to do to accommodate you. People want to be comfortable in their relationships. It shouldn't feel like constant work and pressure. So if one partner is constantly pushing the other partner for things that don't come naturally...it can lead to resentment and anger and broken relationships.

Look at how your BF acts. How does HE show you he loves you? Again, love languages, and learning not just to ACCEPT who your partner truly is, but LOVING and APPRECIATING him just as he is, not as the idealized version of him you may be holding on to.

HTH and GL!

BookButterfly

In my opinion, if your boyfriend isn't the "type" to do these things spontaneously, and you want romance and spontaneity in your relationship, then YOU should bring it to your relationship.

IMHO, I think a lot of women expect men to be the be-all-end-all man and be entirely responsible for romance--and that's not fair. My BF isn't particularly romantic--he's has yet to bring me flowers, for example--but he is very appreciative of the things that I do for him that are romantic.

Like leaving little notes, writing him a love letter and slipping it into his laptop on his way to school, etc--I don't expect anything in return when I do these things (although I do get really excited when I get the text saying he found it, lol), but BECAUSE he appreciates me, he does things for me. He'll clean the bathroom, take me out for coffee, always holds my car door for me, etc.

Our relationship has never been stronger since I took on this mentality in January. I think the key is being with someone who appreciates it, though--you do this with the wrong person, and you'll get taken advantage of. Just a thought!

Being explicit with him is probably the best route to take, imho. If he loves you and listens thoughtfully to you, then he will at least consider your words and ponder them a bit, yes?

Good luck.