I know this is long, but i need help >_>

moonunit2011

Let me preface this by saying the problem is not with my FMIL, but my mom's MIL. Both of my parent's are remarried, and my stepdad's mom is a real piece of work. She is lazy, rude, and i don't care for the way she treats my mom. However, i really admire my mom for being able to take the high road.

I was raised by my mom and dad to always be polite and respectful, even though sometimes people don't deserve it. I'm not around my stepdad's family often, but i invited some of them to the wedding because my mom asked me to and i wanted my stepdad to feel like i consider him family. This past weekend i went to a housewarming party for my stepdad's nephew, since afterwards i was going with my mom and little sister to pick out my sister's flower girl dress. I got stuck sitting next to my mom's MIL, and boy was that a mistake! First of all, i'm very shy and don't like attention to be focused on me. My mom's MIL looks at me and, regarding my response card included in my invitations, said "I don't have to send that stupid little card back do i? I'm telling you right now that i'm coming, so i'm not sending back that dumb little card." I was so embarassed, but once i picked my jaw up off the ground i managed to stammer "okay, that's fine." This, after i was so adamant with my parents and family that they all needed to send the response cards back because, even though i knew they were coming, i was using the cards to keep track of the guest count. I also found out later that she asked my mom where i was registered (Bed, Bath, and Beyond), and after my mom told her, she said "Oh. (Stepdad's nephew) and his girlfriend registered at Wal-Mart because they're not all fancy." Like i'm a snob for registering there? WTH is this woman's problem? I don't know her that well, have never been rude to her, and was courteous enough to invite her to my wedding! I filled out an extra response card with her name on it, since she's apparently to busy to write her name on a card and put it in a prestamped envelope to drop off at the post office. I mean, after all, she has to sit on the couch all day and watch TV! I'm just a full time nursing student trying to plan a wedding! How do i respond to this? Am i overreacting? How can i deal with this woman in the future? I know she's not my problem, but i feel so bad for my mom and i try to be with her when she has to be around this woman, since what she said to and about me is only a fraction of how badly she treats my mom. I wish i could just let her have it, but i just wasn't raised that way. I'm really starting to wish i hadn't invited her. This cow is one of the last people i want to see on my special day. Plus, my little sister was in a cranky mood with me that day (she picks favorites, and i wasn't that day--she's 4) and boy did that old heffer get a kick out of pointing out that she liked her that day, but not me. For an hour straight! UGH! Help, please

rirules

I'd uninvite her.

heyimbren

Honestly, I'd just try to stay away from her as much as possible. But when you do have to talk to her, you can be both polite and honest with her. For example, when she asked you about the response card you could have just told her that yes, it's helpful for you to have people send them back to you to keep track of guests.

You can't control what she says to other people, so I'd just do my best to ignore the rude comments and keep the wedding talk (and probably other talk as well) to a minimum.

AudgiePodge

I agree with Bren.

Elle1036

She sounds like a real joy.  I don't blame you for being annoyed, but there's not really anything you can do.  Smile and mutter monosyllabic responses when she talks to you, and otherwise just stay out of her way.  It sounds like you probably don't see her all that often?  You won't have to deal with her much at the wedding either -- you'll be so busy making sure you get to speak to everyone.  Just don't let her steal any of your mental or emotional energy at all.

loves2shop4shoes

Maybe I'm not the right person to ask about families making rude comments, but I think you need to develop thicker skin.  My families ideas of rude comments are "You're dressed like a whore", "What are you, barren?" (when my cousin, who was married 1 year wasn't pregnant), and "John, I see you're getting skinnier...do you have AIDS already" (to my gay brother, the first time he saw my family after coming out.)

So, yeah, comparatively, I'd say "Do I have to mail back that stupid little card" isn't that big of a deal.  Just roll your eyes and be snarky back.  If you let people know you'll fight fire with fire, they're less likely to walk all over you, at least in my experience.

bethsmiles

There really isn't much you can do. You will probably be too busy to notice her on your wedding day but as for the other times you see her the only thing you can do is ignore her as much as possible.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:eeb360e2-b04d-467b-a328-2e339f4a0dec">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm not the right person to ask about families making rude comments, but I think you need to develop thicker skin.  My families ideas of rude comments are "You're dressed like a whore", "What are you, barren?" (when my cousin, who was married 1 year wasn't pregnant), and "John, I see you're getting skinnier...do you have AIDS already" (to my gay brother, the first time he saw my family after coming out.) So, yeah, comparatively, I'd say "Do I have to mail back that stupid little card" isn't that big of a deal.  Just roll your eyes and be snarky back.  If you let people know you'll fight fire with fire, they're less likely to walk all over you, at least in my experience.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

And this. She sounds more annoying than horrible.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:eeb360e2-b04d-467b-a328-2e339f4a0dec">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm not the right person to ask about families making rude comments, but I think you need to develop thicker skin.  My families ideas of rude comments are "You're dressed like a whore", "What are you, barren?" (when my cousin, who was married 1 year wasn't pregnant), and<strong> "John, I see you're getting skinnier...do you have AIDS already" (to my gay brother, the first time he saw my family after coming out.) </strong>So, yeah, comparatively, I'd say "Do I have to mail back that stupid little card" isn't that big of a deal.  Just roll your eyes and be snarky back.  If you let people know you'll fight fire with fire, they're less likely to walk all over you, at least in my experience.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Shoes, please tell me you made that one up.

So. NOT. cool.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:775009d5-3e5f-4a08-9fdf-7151bb49e141">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know this is long, but i need help />_> : Shoes, please tell me you made that one up. So. NOT. cool.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope.  Not kidding.  My brother started sobbing and ran into the other room, while I ripped my uncle (who made the comment) a new arsehole.</div>

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:c2fb885b-6e70-447a-b215-1067fc9ee07f">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know this is long, but i need help />_> : Nope.  Not kidding.  My brother started sobbing and ran into the other room, while I ripped my uncle (who made the comment) a new arsehole.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I just don't see how someone could say something that hurtful to a family member, whether you agree with the lifestyle or not.  Sheesh.

Sorry to threadjack, OP.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:13911d33-0250-4781-bfee-42c03555fc3f">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know this is long, but i need help />_> : I just don't see how someone could say something that hurtful to a family member, whether you agree with the lifestyle or not.  Sheesh. Sorry to threadjack, OP.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

<div>Nor do I...but this type of behavior is typical of my family, unfortunately.</div>

leia1979

OP, you probably won't even notice her. I'm sorry she's a pain in the butt and rude, but it could be a whole lot worse. I don't think it's worth you getting stressed out.

moonunit2011

Thanks for the advice. BTW, I'm sorry i posted it here... i must've clicked on the wrong board, meant to post it on moms and maids. I'm going to try to ignore her... i know it's probably an overreaction, and i come from a family where people make sometimes hateful comments too, but it's usually in a raw humor joking way and we get over it... this ^#$^$# is just mean. There is no "i'm teasing" in the way she talks to people, it's just "let's see how much i can get by with" because she knows that we are nice people who have no intention of behaving the way she does. I know she's going to be trying to hog my little sister the whole time at the wedding too... probably going to try to shove it in my face on my wedding day that my sister's "nanny's girl." (NOT mine! oh no!) Ugh... i'm going to try to take your advice, and just be firm but polite. More than anything i just hope i don't repress it until i blow up and shank her a$$ lol.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:f128cc1c-b686-4365-9fce-6d11f8dec4d1">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice. BTW, I'm sorry i posted it here... i must've clicked on the wrong board, meant to post it on moms and maids. I'm going to try to ignore her... i know it's probably an overreaction, and i come from a family where people make sometimes hateful comments too, but it's usually in a raw humor joking way and we get over it... this ^#$^$# is just mean. There is no "i'm teasing" in the way she talks to people, <strong>it's just "let's see how much i can get by with" because she knows that we are nice people who have no intention of behaving the way she does</strong>. I know she's going to be trying to hog my little sister the whole time at the wedding too... probably going to try to shove it in my face on my wedding day that my sister's "nanny's girl." (NOT mine! oh no!) Ugh... i'm going to try to take your advice, and just be firm but polite. More than anything i just hope i don't repress it until i blow up and shank her a$$ lol.
Posted by moonunit2011[/QUOTE]

If that's the way you really feel, you shouldn't allow her to behave that way to you.  If you truly feel that what she says and how she acts is rude and over the line, I wouldn't be NICE to her.  I'm not saying you should stoop to her level, but let her know that you know she is pushing the boundaries and you're not going to put up with that kind of behavior.  It's not rude to point out that she is being rude.  It means that you have some self respect.

Not to be mean, but if you want to be a pushover, then don't complain about it.

I, personally, do not think what you've shared she said is that big of a deal.  But since it is a big deal to <u>you</u>, you should say something about it or let it go.

Edited for spelling.

desertsun

People like that are bullies b/c others let them get away with it.

You have two options:
1) Let her get away with it and just try to smile and nod.

2) Don't let her get away with it. Smile, nod, and let her know what's up. "Oh, yes, we expect everyone to return those response cards. That's what they are there for!"  "Oh, yes, she does seem to like you, doesn't she?" Just basically never let her know she's getting to you. She's just making those comments about your sister to manipulate you, and you're letting her if you let her get to you. She's an old lady 5th grade bully, and you're better than that!

moonunit2011

Just to clarify, because i know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal (and no, in the big scheme of things, it's not a big deal. I'm not crying into my pillow at night, i'm just irritated.) It's just the fact that she is rude for no reason, and it's hard for me to deal with because i'm at a loss of how to handle it. Most of the time, when people are rude, mean, or otherwise unpleasant, i just separate myself from that person-- i don't establish a relationship period. I don't think that makes me a pushover, i just don't like to be confrontational and try not to put myself in positions where i have to be. Unfortunately, i can't get rid of this woman because she is the MIL/ grandmother to my mother and little sister, two of the most important people in my life. I'm just looking for suggestions on how to respond when she is around that don't make it seem like i'm stooping to her level. Sure, i could point it out everytime my sister prefers me over others, but that doesn't mean i do. It's stupid, childish, and encourages bratty behavior in a very impressionable 4 year old. Thanks, desertsun, for your suggestions. I'll have to try those out.

SassyFlats

That kind of thing is sort-of common in wedding planning. I know the whole response card thing has caused many brides a major headache (including me!). As others before have said, you can just let it roll off your back and enjoy your wedding in spite of her bullying, or you can confront her and say "Yep! We do expect everyone to return them, since we spent the money on stamps already. That's the point of response cards!"

I'd be tempted to respond with some snark, but unfortunately I'm more likely to just avoid the person altogether. I don't like drama all up in my personal space.

SassyFlats

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a577929b-dc09-4774-a962-8292c5001139Post:fee0a464-e9ee-42af-8113-d00902184fd2">Re: I know this is long, but i need help >_></a>:
[QUOTE]Most of the time, when people are rude, mean, or otherwise unpleasant, i just separate myself from that person-- i don't establish a relationship period. I don't think that makes me a pushover, i just don't like to be confrontational and try not to put myself in positions where i have to be.
Posted by moonunit2011[/QUOTE]

Oh, I'm totally with you on that, too. I avoid people who are rude or otherwise unpleasant whenever I can. But family gets complicated. Sometimes you have to decide whether responding is worth the trouble. Maybe it is. Maybe it will just give her more ammo.

Honestly, whatever you do, just remain polite and as sweet as possible. Try to be genuine. No need to stoop to her level.

desertsun

I really think in situations like this you pick your battles. Know when something is trivial and she's just trying to get under your skin. You know your sister loves you, so don't get into a pissing match about that kind of crap with her. 

Treat her with respect, listen to her, and agree with her when she actually says something you do agree with. (And that's bound to happen at some point). Don't be a puppet and dance to her tune. Still voice your opinions when asked or when it directly concerns you, but don't turn it into an argument about who's right and who's wrong. Just say something like "I can appreciate that that is what works for you, but X works for me better, so that's what i"m going to go with." You don't have to defend the details of your life. It's always okay to say "Thanks for sharing your opinion" and just leaving it at that. It's also always okay to say "I respectfully disagree" and again, leave it at that. "I prefer not to get into the details right now" if you get pushed on it. 

Be confident and calm and just practice telling yourself you are the bigger person. As long as you stay true to yourself and keep it classy, you're doing fine.

shipsinthenight

Everyone else is right, avoid her and let it go. Ok, so you can't avoid her forever, but she's not involved in your wedding planning other than this one thing right? I think my favorite was that you're "fancy" for registering at B^3. (I'm a math nerd, BBB will always be B cubed to me ) Not to offend anyone who may register at Walmart (because I understand that there are a lot of areas in the country where it is the most convient and affordable), and not to sound like a present grabbing princess, but it's your wedding, your home that you're going to be furnishing, who cares where you register. BBB always has coupons, and tons of stuff in all price ranges, so that shouldn't offend her at all. And I understand they have an excellent return policy for registry items. My family would call this woman a "generally unhappy person," always making other people feel bad cus she doesn't feel good. Sorry you have to deal with her. And I think this makes your mom a saint.

MLekathLEEN

Desert- have I told you lately that you're awesome? Op- try not to let her get to you. She is just trying to get a rise out of you. GL!

desertsun

Aw, thanks, Em!    I do try.

hetshup

Ditto Desert

Or you could punch her in the anus.