BF and I are having the ring conversation.

Narwhal

The issue we're discussing is whether we should use one of his grandmother's rings or if we should get a new one for our engagement.

He made a pro/con list for both.
Grandma's ring pros: free!, substantial stone size
Cons: Might not fit (explained to him that that is easily fixed) and that it might not be what I want (explained to him that I want whatever he wants to give me.

New ring pros: More modern and more selection
Cons: it isn't free.

My concern with this is that he didn't say that he wanted to pass down Nan's ring.  I think that he's leaning towards that because she has more than he could afford.  I think he puts more emphasis on the ring than I do.

This is what we agreed on:  The ring is an important part, but it's not the most important and having one, not having one, having it be large or even really ugly is not going to change the fact that I will say yes.  So we've decided that we will look at everything that we have selected and make an informed decision that way, instead of him feeling like he has to guess.  By doing so, he will still have the ring at the proposal which is so important to him, but we also can make the decision together.

That is, when we're ready to be engaged, which we aren't yet, so this all can change.

ETA: The point of this post is that we hit another relationship milestone, a sirous conversation about this aspect of the engagement with compromise on both sides.  It's a good feeling.

jeanacorina

Yay!

That's all I have to say right now. I am grinning!

sapphirebaby926

Yay! This is really exciting!

Did you think about taking the stone from Grandma's ring and putting it in a new setting as an option as well?

tafft1

I think you are both approaching the subject with a great attitude and outlook , actually weighing both options and giving yourselves options , not tied down to any one thing. Versatility and flexibility is important , obviously the one from his grandmother will have significant personal resonance , but it's also wise not to make a desicion yet. Having such upfront conversations and communication is such a cornerstone for a healthy lasting relationship it makes me happy for you both yay.

Narwhal

We talked about that before, Sapphire, but I think that he feels like it would insult his grandma.. I don't think it would, and I would find it much easier to pass down if that were the case.  Maybe since our communication lines are super open I'll bring it up again.

katanne9

Yay!!!! Congratulations!

Ditto Sapphire. Have you discussed taking the stones from one of the rings and purchasing a setting? That way you could save a large amount of money, you'll still get to pass the stone down, and you'll get the modern/larger selection of bands.

If you do like any of the settings though, I think inheriting a family ring is a lovely tradition. : )

Narwhal

The interesting thing about Nan's rings are that they aren't from BF's grandfather.  They're from his stepgrandfather, who died before BF was born.  She was married to his grandfather when she was 13 and it didn't work out (yo, BSCies, it doesn't work all the time, even with grandmas.) and then she went onto marrying the love of her life, who totally spoiled her with all this jewelry.  So thats where the ring is coming from.  I think it's cute.

sapphirebaby926

Well that's fair - but like you said since y'all are talking about it again you could bring it up again to see if he still feels the same way.

And that story about his Grandma is sweet - it kind of makes my 'ittle heart melt

ekathleen684

That's awesome!

BF and I have a similar dilemma with an inherited ring. I have my aunt's wedding ring with a substancial sized diamond in it but older gold band that is not my taste (plus it's a tiny ring that fits my pinky-pretty awesome pimp ring, lol) ANYWAYS- It has been known that I want to use her stone in a more modern setting and my grandmother (aunt's sister-original recipient of ring until aunt was an indian giver and left it to me.) is completely ok with that. BF doesn't want to use that diamond because he isn't comfortable giving me a ring that is already partially mine. I told him I do not want to make him spend a lot of money and it would save him A LOT of $$ to use the diamond I already have and means so much to me. If he wanted to go bigger though I couldn't say no, LOL 

Is gram still around? Have BF see how she or another family member close to her feels about using just the diamond and finding a new setting. Ultimately, this is a total squee moment...SQUEE!

To be a total AW: Over the weekend, I was using BF's phone to look something up and 4/6 of the internet pages open were engagement rings...SQUEE! BF is doing a good job btw..DOUBLE SQUEE!

[Deleted User]

Gahhh. Congrats on the compromising conversation!!

PaigeMcC

o0o  lookit that grown up conversation! Teehee

 I'm glad you and BF can talk so openly about these things, that shows great communication.  Yay for a milestone;)

Ekath- *Squeee* hehe

KD+BC

I think heirloom rings are awesome. If you can get away with not resetting them great but using the diamond and getting a setting you love is really cool too. My friend's FI was given his great-great-aunt's ring. She was never married and they didn't know she even had the ring until after she died. She was in her early 20s during WWI and they think she was probably engaged but then he died during the war. Anyway, the ring is amazing. Really cool looking and beautiful. My friend got it appraised for insurance reasons and found out it's actually worth more than her car.

darkling_glory

I mostly lurk here, but Narwhal, this is exciting news! Maybe you can have the talk about resetting it while the lines are still open. I think that's a great idea.

I also have a little hint that might make him more amenable. If you have any heirloom jewelry (from your grandmother or mother, perhaps), you could suggest taking pieces from each piece and creating something unique that joins both families!

For instance, the center stone of my ring is from FI's grandmother. The setting is brand new. And my wedding band will be set with stone's from a pendant that belonged to my grandmother. It really means a lot to me and has made me much more sentimental about a piece of jewelry then I had ever thought I'd be.

Good luck!!!

raw1299

sometimes if the stone is too small, you can't take it out of the setting without damaging it. My father had just found his grandfathers ring, which had been missing for years now. my parents want the tradition of each woman of our immediate family take one of the stones, which works out perfectly (me,my sister and my mother) my mother created her own setting and they put the stone in. i like the idea that it came from somewhere important, and its meaningful because in a sense, its a shared memory of my family.

kmcr91

My bf and I have had this same conversation recently. Except that I will be getting his late mother's ring. I was concerned about the family's feelings with resetting the diamonds as well, but when my bf's grandfather parents were divorced said that he was ok with changing it for me, it made things easier. So I suppose the overview is that maybe a sit down with his grandmother to discuss how she feels would make the situation, whenever you move to the next step, much easier. :

kmcr91

It got a little confusing there sorry. Grandfather was asked about the ring because my bf's parents divorced before his mother's death.