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What to do? What to do?

It looks like friends of mine are getting separated. Apparently they've tried counseling and it didn't work.

I understand that she is unhappy and that she needs out. I'm trying hard to make her not do anything rash that her H could use as ammunition against her. He negotiates for a living and can be a bit of a pitbull about things, so the less ammunition he has the better.
 
I've told her to get a lawyer and gotten a reference for her from a colleague. I just don't want her to be screwed in terms of custody for her kids or financially. She's an impulsive person and I don't think she is seeing how damaging things can be. For example, her leaving the house and getting an apartment to get a little clarity on things could be argued that she left her kids by a vicious lawyer.

What do I say to her?
 

Re: What to do? What to do?

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    Hazel_BHazel_B member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Sunbird. I've told her that she shouldn't leave the house until the sepearation is on paper. She's smart enough to know these things, but like I said she can be impulsive and when she makes her mind up it's even worse.  
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    Hazel_BHazel_B member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    So far I'm telling her the right things then.

    She feels like she lives in a dictatorship and that she is manipulated so that her husband gets his way, which to her has been going on for years. I don't think things will be amicable at all if she is standing up for herself.

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    leia1979leia1979 member
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry for your friend, Hazel. I think the best thing you can do is to encourage her to get a lawyer.
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    edited December 2011
    First, I want to say that It is really nice of you to be there for your friend and to try to get the best advice possible for her. 

    Tell her not to leave, yet.  And to speak to a lawyer, or two...most divorce lawyers will give you a free consultation.  If there is a spare room I would suggest that they separate as much as possible while still living in the same house.

    Once both parties realize how much time, energy and money will be expended in a divorce they may be willing to work together, on at least some things that they do see eye to eye on so I would encourage her to keep her mind open to that possibility, even if it seems far fetched right now.

    My ExH had a domestic violence case against him from the county, and we did nothing but fight for a while, but once he was able to come back to the house ater the case we laid some boundaries, I was staying in the spare room and continued to we spent time with our son separately and had our own space.  We didn't get along, but we weren't fighting.  We came up with an agreement about our belongings and shared parenting shcedule and had it notarized when I first moved out.  I put together all the paperwork for a Dissolution, we reviewed and revised it a couple times over a few month period and in exchange for my time he paid the couple hundred dollar fee.  When our day in court finally came we were in and out in a matter of minutes and shook hands after.  I didn't seek any child support, nor alimony, and I left him at the house, without asking for any of the equity (there wasn't much, we were only there for about a year when we split up). 
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    edited December 2011
    I have close friends who separated this weekend.  I am good friends with both, she has already left their house.  I feel so bad, she emailed me tonight, I wasn't sure what to say or do.  She said she has been unhappy for awhile, I had no idea.  I don't want to inquire on too many details.  I am trying to be there for emotional support right now.

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    Hazel_BHazel_B member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone!

    Dwest - She is living in their basement right now, so she's got that. I've also told her that she's welcome to come to my place when she needs some more space. I hope they are able to come to some sort of agreement on things, but I'm not so sure that will happen.
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