Ring shopping... and his mom?

Blessed=2BeInLove

I posted a while back about waiting until my boyfriend comes down (LDR) so we could go ring shopping. Well, it all went amazing, we spent time with my family while he was here, and I got sized for THE ring!! He told the jewler that he has had a ring picked out for a while now (that he still won't show me, lol), and was saving up, but the only thing he wasn't sure of was my ring size (which he now has).

The excitment kind of got halted, for me anyways, when he got home.

My boyfriend's parents got married right out of high school, and his mom has been telling him and I to get married since the first time I came up to visit (4 months into our relationship), so I was a little surprised how his mom reacted when my boyfriend went back home and told his family that we looked at rings.

Apparently his mom had 2 opinions.

1) You can't get her a ring nicer than mine!
2) If she wants you to ask her parents for permission, then she better ask for my permission to marry you.

Does this seem a little much? Or is it just me?

leia1979

Well, point one is kind of silly. "Nicer" can be very subjective.

I actually kind of agree with number two. I did not want my H to ask my parents anything before he asked me, but if the request is to ask, why is it only the woman's parents? Why isn't the blessing of the man's parents equally important?

bethsmiles

Was she being serious? I dunno, I guess I wouldn't worry  about it too much. If it's an isolated event just forget it. Really, he shouldn't have even told you about it.

Blessed=2BeInLove

I agree that since I would be marrying their son I should talk with them first. Truthfully, that isn't how I pictured it, but I certainly would out of respect. I figured that since him and I have already had conversations with his mom where she has openly said we could get married whenever we wanted, it wouldn't lead to me formally asking her again.

The other thing that comes to my head is that boyfriend wants the actual purposal to be a surprise. Since I won't know when he is going to purpose I'm not sure when I would formally sit down with his family again and talk about it.

And by asking my parents, I have always made it clear to him that he was only asking for their blessing, not their permission, sorry for the word mix up in the previous post.

Its not that big of deal, I was just surprised that was someone's initial reaction.

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-shopping-his-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a897d26a-8a93-4686-871a-0d3919afa899Post:f45a1fc4-b577-4fed-935b-a2d0f928513b">Re: Ring shopping... and his mom?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that since I would be marrying their son I should talk with them first. Truthfully, that isn't how I pictured it, but I certainly would out of respect. I figured that since him and I have already had conversations with his mom where she has openly said we could get married whenever we wanted, it wouldn't lead to me formally asking her again. <strong>The other thing that comes to my head is that boyfriend wants the actual purposal to be a surprise. Since I won't know when he is going to purpose I'm not sure when I would formally sit down with his family again and talk about it. </strong>And by asking my parents, I have always made it clear to him that he was only asking for their blessing, not their permission, sorry for the word mix up in the previous post. Its not that big of deal, I was just surprised that was someone's initial reaction.
Posted by Blessed=2BeInLove[/QUOTE]

A nice gesture would be to both go after he proposes and jointly ask his parents' blessing. That way you've done so for both but kept the element of surprise.

Blessed=2BeInLove

Leia- Thats such a great idea. Thank you so much!

I love his parents and his whole family, and I do have a great relationship with them, so of course I want to honor them in the decision to marry their son. Sorry if I made it seem one sided.

csousa1

I don't know, maybe it's my old-fashioned nature, but I think her EXPECTING you to ask her if you can marry her son is kind of crazy.

1) He is not her property, or a child- "permission" to do anything is not required.

2) If you were proposing to him - aka YOU performing the action - then sure, be cute and get his parent's blessing. You aren't proposing to him - you aren't handing him a ring. It is not the same.

3) No parent on the face of the earth should EXPECT the proposer to ask "permission". Being old fashioned and liking the respect of getting a blessing is one thing, even being touched by the gesture, but flat-out expecting that their permission be asked is ludicrous. Anyone whose parents actually feel that way need to be backed the hell up and given some boundaries.

She's probably just having a freakout moment that it is becoming real. Since she clearly likes you (having told her son before that he should marry you), I'm thinking she will probably chill out about it soon.

I agree with PP that your BF probably shouldn't have told you at all. That falls under the category of information best kept to himself, and not shared with you to stress over. Did he mention how he handled it with his mom?

As for the nicer ring thing, that's just petty.

Blessed=2BeInLove

haha Courtney, I literally was laughing out loud, because I had a lot of similar thoughts about the situation. I am old-fashioned as well in my thinking and was completely taken back by the change in roles, that I didn't think were my resposibility to ask, as I am not the one purposing. I'm sure she just had a freak out in the moment and will feel much different when it settles in a little more. I still love him and still love him family. Its nothing but a thing.

csousa1

I'm also thinking that maybe she took offense or issue with him "having" to ask your parents for their blessing - although it doesn't sound as though your parents feel like he has to? Maybe she was having a protective moment and it was more about new in-laws than you personally.

Blessed=2BeInLove

We have discussed it many times and we both feel it would be best for him to ask my parents for their blessing, just so they aren't taken off guard and so they feel a part of our relationship. Its not that they expect it, however we feel it would be a nice gesture, since we have spent a lot more time with his family than mine.

His mom is really sweet, sometimes she just says things without thinking, which I am aware of. It can be abrupt, I just never even thought of the idea of comparing rings or anything else. I always saw our relationship as our own, and knew that he was picking the best ring for me, and we were asking my parents because we felt it was right.

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-shopping-his-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a897d26a-8a93-4686-871a-0d3919afa899Post:12cbc327-7d32-487e-ac1a-256f0d46f63c">Re: Ring shopping... and his mom?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ring shopping... and his mom? : A nice gesture would be to both go after he proposes and jointly ask his parents' blessing. That way you've done so for both but kept the element of surprise.
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this! Totally. </div><div>
</div><div>As for the first point, that doesn't even make sense to me! I hope she was joking and isn't just vain about having the nicest ring on the block. And I agree with PP's that it's such a subjective thing. What constitutes nicer? Is it size? dollars spent? I'm not sure how you would even begin to compare who's is nicer given the differences in the time period/trends/etc. </div><div>
</div>

Blessed=2BeInLove

About the ring being nicer... I have no idea what she meant? In my mind the only thing that matters about the ring is that it is from the man I love, that he is giving it to me because he wants to spend my life with me, and that he chose something that reminded him of me. That in itself would make it the nicest ring ever, but I just can't see that having to do with anyone else. Basically I'm at a loss with the idea of "comparing" rings, and that is probably for the best. lol

SeaTea02

Everyone gave you really good advice. If I were you I would just ignore her and not ask. She is being redic. 

My FMIL began to act funny after FI told her he was proposing too. She had also encouraged us to get married at 18 and move in with her, but then when the time really came years later she didn't like the idea of us being independent so much.Our relationship has been very strained since right before he proposed. I'm not trying to say the same will happen to you by any means, but for some women, their son ACTUALLY getting engaged changes them and your whole relationship. She was in control in telling you to get married before, now she isn't and it seems like she is trying to control other variables (her permission, your ring)... I would ignore her, but that's me.  

caitlin.cave

We talked to both sets of parents together (as in we were both there each time, not we talked to both sets at the same time).  It was important for us to involve our families in this decision, but we were asking for their blessing, not their permission.

Grits8812

i guess im just kind of traditional on it, but i have never heard of a girl asking to marry the guy. i knew before he asked my dad, but i didnt have to ask his mom..idk about that one