Hi, and mini-rant

SopChick

Hi all,

I used to lurk on this board, but haven't been around for a while. I re-joined The Knot as I am in a WP, so I was looking for ideas to help out the bride.

I hate to start off with a rant, but I'm not really sure how to deal with this tactfully and the smile and walk away strategy isn't really cutting it anymore as my frustration is mounting!

BF and I have been together longer than the bride and her FI, and especially lately, bride has been pressing me about when BF and I are getting engaged. Every time I see her (not an exaggeration!), she brings it up. I'm sure it comes from a good place, as in that she's happy and marrying her guy so she wants the same for me, but it's getting freakin' annoying. It wouldn't be so bad if it was once in a while, but it's every time - the last few times it's actually felt like she's trying to console me that I'm NYE. ("soon it'll be your turn")

Has anyone had this happen before? IMO even if it's from a good place, it's kind of rude, no? I could just be jaded by frustration - feel free to point it out!

catemeg

I'm sure she just wants to share the excitement with you, and maybe feels like you might be envious so this is her misguided attempt to make you feel better.  The condecending 'it'll be your time soon' is just annoying, but like you said, comes from a good intentions.

I have a friend who recently got engaged and has been doing this.  She sees every dinner or outing BF and I have as an opportunity for a proposal, even though I've told her the diamond is still locked away in my mother's jewelry box. We're in no rush, and it's sort of annoying to have to explain to my friend why he hasn't proposed, which is a stupid thing to have to explain.

If I were you, I'd let her know that you're super excited for her, but that you guys have talked about it and don't plan on getting married just yet (even if that's not the case and it could be any day, it'll get her off your back).  Tell her any of the cliche things we all find ourselves saying - that you're just enjoying this stage of your relationship, that it'll happen when it happens, or even go extreme and tell her you really are wondering whether or not you EVER want to get married since living in sin is so much fun.

Good luck, keep your head up, and remember she means well.

katanne9

Ughhh I hate the "consolers".

If she's a good friend I would tell her to drop it. Just tell her you are perfectly happy where you are and you'll get there when it's your time.

loves2shop4shoes

That's annoying.  Idk, it's hard for me to believe that people can say condescending things like that and NOT know they're being rude.  (Maybe because my family is full of people that will find any excuse possible to tear you to shreds, just so they can feel better about their own miserable lives.)  If you wanted to take a more snarky approach, you could say "Well, I read somewhere that if you waited X number of years before getting married, your marriage was twice as likely to last."  Just make sure X is a number that you're close to, but not quite...cuz like you said, you've been dating longer.  Then smile, pat her hand and say "Oh don't worry, I'm sure you'll be ok.  Just a superstitious thing, ya know?"  Then wink.

She'll never pull it again.

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-mini-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8ca04ef-f78a-4f53-87a5-9b7b6aa93f3fPost:d2ec6aa9-3a01-486d-b5fd-d2956c3c5d15">Re: Hi, and mini-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]"Well, I read somewhere that if you waited X number of years before getting married, your marriage was twice as likely to last."  ... Then smile, pat her hand and say "Oh don't worry, I'm sure you'll be ok.  Just a superstitious thing, ya know?"  Then wink. She'll never pull it again.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Bwahahaha... Shoes, you're my new favorite!  This is great for any of those "consolers" who are totally trying to "rub it in".  I'm not jealous of their relationship, I like my own!  Just because they're getting married earlier doesn't mean they "won" or anything ridiculous, yet some girls really feel like getting engaged is the finish line to some sort of race.  Um, it's just a stage in a very long marathon!  I like my pace just fine, thanks <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

Next time someone's condescending like this, I'm totally going to use that.

Acrosthec

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-mini-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8ca04ef-f78a-4f53-87a5-9b7b6aa93f3fPost:0b8ca73d-43cb-4f1f-8b5d-148d1c7a4ca0">Re: Hi, and mini-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, and mini-rant : some girls really feel like getting engaged is the finish line to some sort of race.  Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

This is so true, and not just for getting engaged.  FI and I have friends that fully intended to get married Spring of 2011, even though they got engaged Fall 2009, because they wanted to save money and graduate school, etc., before they got married.  Shortly after they got engaged, FI and I got engaged, along with about 7 other couples we're friends with.  Everyone planned their wedding before this original couple because we had no reason for a long engagement and wanted to get married!  She got upset that everyone got engaged after them and was getting married before them, and they have now moved their wedding up seven months so they can wed before everyone else (except FI and I, who are getting married a month before them). 

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-mini-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8ca04ef-f78a-4f53-87a5-9b7b6aa93f3fPost:0b8ca73d-43cb-4f1f-8b5d-148d1c7a4ca0">Re: Hi, and mini-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, and mini-rant : Bwahahaha... Shoes, you're my new favorite!  This is great for any of those "consolers" who are totally trying to "rub it in".  I'm not jealous of their relationship, I like my own!  <strong>Just because they're getting married earlier doesn't mean they "won" or anything ridiculous, yet some girls really feel like getting engaged is the finish line to some sort of race.</strong>  Um, it's just a stage in a very long marathon!  I like my pace just fine, thanks Next time someone's condescending like this, I'm totally going to use that.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely agree.  And it's those girls that think of marriage as a competition that I personally believe are more likely to fail.  A marriage is a very special commitment between two people.  It happens when THEY are ready for it to happen...whether that be after 6 months or 10 years worth of dating.  It really depends on the couple and on the relationship.  I also find that those women that view everything as a competition tend to have pretty serious inferiority complexes and they feel the need to show everyone how great they are...and they just look silly and desperate.</div>

jmc102184

Ugh I completely understand!!! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we're plan to get married in 2012. We're practically engaged, the ring exists! But he wants to pay off the ring before giving it to me. Like we need another thing to be in debt for while starting our lives together, I can't blame him for that. EVERYONE around me family and friends gets on our case about when we're getting engaged all the time. The thing people always throw in my face is how he is 34 and I am 26 and apparently time is ticking! We are both in the process of finishing our Masters Degrees also which is why we want to wait till 2012. But really people..........I'm soo exhausted explaining my plans to everyone all the time (except to you guys for this instance lol). I thought it was our lives? No? LOL

roma125

This totally happens to me all the time... I come from the South and people there get married ridiculously early (my cousin just got married at 18, like a week after her HS graduation). I only have about 3 friends back home that are not engaged/married/ having kids, or some combination of these. I get the "consolation" sometimes too but mostly people just rudely ask when we're getting engaged like it's overdue, even people I don't know who work with my parents. I know some people honestly ask with the best of intentions, but you can tell when somebody thinks the lack of a ring on your finger means you fail at life.

Shoes, I think your idea is brilliant. I once found a FB group dedicated to inventing snarky combacks to the "So when are you getting engaged/married?" question. My fav was "Idk, when are you getting divorced?" and I've seriously been tempted to use it a few times. I can't find the group now, so if anybody finds it, let me know, it was hillarious!

GreenPepperBurger

Bitch-slap her. Just kidding.

(Not really).

SopChick

Hahahaha! You are all hilarious! Thank you all so much for making me feel better about being annoyed by this, I thought I was just being overly sensitive!

Shoes, while that would be amazing to have the guts to say something like that, I don't know if I could ever actually do it!

Acrosthec, that's so sad that they felt they needed to get married before everyone else just because they were engaged first. They seemed so rational from their reasons to have a long engagement!

Roma, I totally understand about some people thinking you fail at life if you're NYE! My old boss used to make me feel that way, and when I run into friends from HS, the first thing they ask once they know BF and I are still together is why aren't we engaged/married yet! I'm gonna have to look for that FB group, it sounds awesome!

While the bitch slap might be interesting, I think my best bet is to just let her know that I'm happy for her, but I'm just peachy with our pace.

Thanks again ladies!

bethsmiles

Two of my BF's best friends are getting married and the girl is always asking me when we will get engaged. It drives me crazy. She actually told me she felt sorry for me when my BF decided that he is going to grad school. I was so pissed. I pretty much just ignore her but I rant to BF about how annoying it is all the time.