Addiction. Long & Rambly.

Swazzle

Addiction is something that a lot of people in my family struggle with.  My mom, stepdad, grandmom, and aunt are all recovering alcoholics (I say recovering because I know that you're never "healed") & in some cases other stuff as well.  My mom got sober when I was very little & I believe my grandmom got sober the year before I was born. My first stepdad overdosed & died when I was 8 years old.  I've always been very aware of the fact that this is something that runs in my family & luckily this is something I haven't personally had to deal with. I like to drink, I've smoked weed & that's it.

Well my younger cousin (she's 18) has struggled the past few years. She ran away & quit high school.  My aunt has done everything in her power to help my cousin. Well I just got a call from my mom earlier tonight that my cousin showed up at my grandmother's (of all places, really?) & has admitted to doing heroin since Halloween.  She went to some random house last night & woke up next to a dead guy. He overdosed in the middle of the night & died. Her "boyfriend" was arrested, for what I don't know. And I say "boyfriend" because it's a different guy every other day.  

I know that addiction is a disease, I've been reminded of it constantly throughout my life. But I can't help but be so angry.  She is SO talented, she's beautiful & tall & my aunt worked her ass off to send her to modeling school which she wanted & then just threw away & was so unappreciative. My aunt has done everything for her.  I feel like all she ever wants is attention.  And the fact that she showed up at my grandmother's like this & is putting her through all of this kills me. I was just in pure shock when my mom told me all of this.

I guess without thinking I said to my mom how I just don't understand what she's thinking, she could have everything & she chooses to throw it away & why can't she just freakin be normal & get a job or go to school & NOT DO DRUGS. My mom gets that I don't really get it because I'm not an addict. But I guess I didn't sound as sympathetic as she expected & I think I upset her.  But I don't get it. I really don't.  

Sorry this is long & thanks for listening guys if you read any of this. 

becunning2

Awww, I'm sorry.  That's an awful thing to deal with.  My uncle (stepdad's brother, never met him) recently died from an overdose. My mom and I had several conversations about it, and we both discussed how the first time you shoot up with drugs is pretty much the most selfish thing you could ever do--especially if you have a history of addictive behavior.  Addiction isn't just about the person--it affects everyone else in the family and ripples out.  Not only is the person self-destructing, but they're destroying their family.  I can definitely understand the reaction that you had--it's something my family has been going through as well.

My uncle had just gotten out of rehab, was in a cast, and decided to hang out with some friends and do drugs.  Except, since he was in a cast, he couldn't do it.  So he let someone else shoot him up... and that someone else shot him up with too much heroin, and he died. It was sudden, unexpected, and awful.  And it WAS selfish of him that a high was important than his recovery, more important than his family.

I'm sorry you're going through this; it's not easy, and it's not pleasant.  Hopefully, she gets it together.  Waking up next to a dead guy, you'd think, would do that.  But addiction is a nasty beast. I'd like to think killing a man would change someone's behaviors, but I doubt the girl who overdosed my uncle is clean and sober today.

ravenray

*Hugs*  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I am going to give a little tough love about your cousin.

It's her life, at some point you have to realize that. No matter how much or what others do for her ultimately it is her decision to take it or leave it.  Sounds like she is choosing to leave it.  It is so hard to watch others fall before our eyes, when we know all they have to do is stretch out a hand and you would be there.  Some people have to hit rock bottom before they can change.  Some people can't.  I really hope you cousin doesn't have to hit rock bottom, hopefully the deadman will be a wakeup call.  But really it is her choice and her life.    *hugs*  It is not easy to watch someone drag themselves down, and it is not easy when they are a love one.  I don't really have any advice other than just be there for her and if she ever wants to talk don't judge her for her really poor life decisions.  When someone goes on drugs that just screams as a cry for help.  Some else was or is clearly going on in her life that she isn't dealing with.  *hugs*  And as always come here to vent to make you feel better.  I'll be praying for your cousin. 

EDIT: Liv and I completely disagree on this matter but since she has the license I would go with what she has to say.    Though I still stand by what I think...

elannis

I'm not going to write a lot because I don't think I'm in the right state of mind exactly with the wine I had earlier, but I do agree that it's her life and the best thing you can do is be there for her if she needs you. It's hard to watch people fall, as Ray said, and it's hard to watch them hurt loved ones, but it's their (hers and your grandma's) decision to make what they want to do next. I hope that this was a wakeup call for her and she gets the help she needs! So sorry that you're in this though. *hugs*.

jaycee7389

I'm really sorry to hear you are/have gone through all of this. I do have some personal experience with a family member who was an alcoholic, and I can see where all of the frustration and anger comes from. I'm sure your mom is just coping in her own way, as everyone is different. I think your feelings are completely justifiable though. It's hard when you feel hurt by someone who isn't making the choice to help themselves. Sending you vibes and hugs.

heyimbren

RDR, I've been in a very, very similar position... so if you'd ever just like to vent or talk to someone, I'm always listening and you can just PM me and we can go from there.

It's a really difficult thing to deal with, especially being on the other side of things. But honestly, I like what Raven had to say. A lot of factors do come into play in the case of addiction, but... at the same time, I don't think it's necessarily completely out of her control.

But maybe I'm just biased. It's hard to deal with though. I don't sympathize with it very well either, but to me, that doesn't mean that I'm a mean person, just that I have a different perspective on it. Some people are able to sympathize and that's great in its own way too. But don't get down on yourself for feeling one way.

pockysquirrel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_addiction-long-rambly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:aa1a7489-4f69-4e8c-a775-d5adce64b5b7Post:f0dd46bd-5205-4ba2-a963-fb08affcd972">Re: Addiction. Long & Rambly.</a>:
[QUOTE] EDIT: Liv and I completely disagree on this matter but since she has the license I would go with what she has to say.   :)   Though I still stand by what I think...
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

Stepping in with my own license to say...you're actually both right. Liv's points are spot-on, of course, and Raven's recognizing the tough but true reality that without a genuine desire for change, no real recovery can happen. Yes, an addiction is like a chronic illness. But it's not a disease that entirely saps a person of his or her free will. You may not be able to change the disease itself, but you CHOOSE whether or not to engage in the behavior of using. Just like someone with, say, diabetes has the choice of managing their condition through diet and medication, or the choice to not do that, and risk losing a foot or dying.

RDR, I'm with Yaga about doing Al-Anon or finding another way of taking care of yourself during this difficult time. Ultimately, your cousin's choices are hers. It may feel like doing nothing, but really the best thing you can do for her is to just continue being present in her life as an open-minded, non-judgmental, supportive person who loves her.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_addiction-long-rambly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:aa1a7489-4f69-4e8c-a775-d5adce64b5b7Post:a9d932b5-7952-410c-b592-8c05b281a063">Re: Addiction. Long & Rambly.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Addiction. Long & Rambly. : 
RDR, I'm with Yaga about doing Al-Anon or finding another way of taking care of yourself during this difficult time. Ultimately, your cousin's choices are hers. It may feel like doing nothing, but really the best thing you can do for her is to just continue being present in her life as an open-minded, non-judgmental, supportive person who loves her.
Posted by pockysquirrel[/QUOTE]

I think that also depends on the relationship with the person. It doesn't always work out as the best for everyone. But it can be a very good way to start.

Swazzle

Sorry, I fell asleep really early last night for some reason. I guess I needed the sleep.

Thanks for the all the hugs & for sharing your own stories & personal experiences with this sort of thing. I'm glad I'm not alone for feeling the way I do. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad & hurting for my cousin. I cannot even imagine how she must have felt yesterday morning waking up that way.  She must have been terrified & yes, I really pray that was her wake up  call.  

My mom texted me late last night to say they're taking her to a rehab in DE today at 9am.  My cousin is going willingly so I guess that's a good thing.  

Thanks again girls.

peekaboo2011

*hugs*  I read this last night and decided against posting because of the wine I had.

If you want to talk, I know that girls who have had more experience with this have offered their shoulders, but I want you to know I'm here as well.  ExFI's dad and sister struggle with addiction, and ExFI was in denial about his struggles.  I don't want to post their stories here, because they aren't mine to share.  But, if you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

*hugs*  Love you Rachel.

dwest2201

I'm sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.  I'm so glad to hear that she has been taken to rehab, though.  Heroin is highly addictive, more so than a lot of other drugs, so willingly seeking professional help is a definite step in the right direction.  I would assume that waking up next to a dead guy was a factor in her wanting to get help.

I have some experience with addiction, alcoholics in family and a close friend who is 2.5 years clean and sober.  If you are or were close to your cousin I would try to talk with your cousin and family.  In my experience addicts need a lot of company, attention, and praise for their good behavior to keep them from going back to the drugs/drinking because it will cover up whatever they are feeling.  If you aren't very close to her then I would try to encourage family members who are to be available for her as much as possible in the coming, weeks, months. 

SopChick

I'm sorry your family is dealing with this, and I'm really glad to see she is willingly seeking help! I don't have much experience with all of this, so I just offer hugs and an ear if you need it.

Swazzle

Thanks guys. 

Dwest I actually read your comment the other day but couldn't respond on my phone & then TK was down but you're very right about what you said. I am (was) really close with her. After I read what you said I called my mom to see if my cousin will be able to have visitors so I can stop and see her on Thursday before Thanksgiving. I think it's probably going to be hard on her not being with us that day as it is.  I do want to be there for her & help support her through this.  

Just a quick update: 

She went to rehab on Saturday.  My aunt will get an update on how long they'll keep her & if/when she can have visitors. I was talking to my other aunt who was there on Friday with her & she said my cousin hasn't showered or brushed her teeth in a month. She was basically so high on Friday that she didn't know the guy she was laying next to was dead.  It's so scary to think that could have been her.