FI's having GM troubles

jeanacorina

So, we got an email the other day from our mutual friend who is a groomsman. This is the friend who was there the day we met (you know, in the video game), and who we wanted to officiate our wedding.

Well, he's not officiating because FI's parents nagged so much, and then this friend came to Baton Rouge to visit over Thanksgiving and didn't even tell us he was here.

Now, I called him when I found out he skipped us and good-naturedly ribbed him about him owing us dinner next time. We had a laugh, he apologized and said he was just really busy meeting his GF's parents, and should have at least texted us to let us know he was around but short on time.

Well, FI was really upset. REALLY. He took it very personally, because this friend has done similar things before. They went to high school together and were really close, but I guess this is one of those friends who habitually blows people off because he doesn't think it's a big deal. It's NOT personal. It's just because he's maybe a little flaky. I tried to stick up for him, but FI made his decision and now we have a minister I've never met instead of our friend. The friend is now a groomsman instead, and he's apparently cool with that.

ANYWAY, that's just the backstory.

Here's what just happened: the other day, we got an email from J (the friend) saying he just found out he's ALLOWED to go to a conference in DC with his professor, and it's the week of our wedding. So, he needed to know exactly what time he needed to be AT the wedding site in his suit for pictures because he needed to stay at the conference as long as possible.

I called him. Our wedding is at 7:30pm on Friday. I said "You should be there no later than 5:30pm" He said "Okay, so as long as I take the 10am flight from DC to New Orleans and find someone to pick me up and change into my suit at the airport and just high-tail it to the wedding, I SHOULD be there on time."

I had to try really, REALLY hard not to freak. WHO DOES THAT?

I understand he's a grad student at MIT. It's a big freaking deal. I'm thrilled for him. Homeboy is intelligent. He's literally a rocket scientist. I love him to bits. But.... who does that when two of your best friends are FINALLY getting married? Hell has frozen over, people! It took almost 6 years, but it's happening!

So, I told him that he better be at that wedding. He swore up and down he will be there. I said he should probably consider leaving Thursday night or the earliest Friday flight he can get, because sh!t happens and he could get delayed. He agreed and said he'd talk to his professor and see how late they needed him to stay.

Now, go back and notice where I said he only just found out he's ALLOWED to go. He felt he was necessary to this meeting. Okay, homeboy's got a big ego. I knew, and FI knew, from knowing J.... that he probably was NOT as necessary as he thought he was. And we were a bit upset that he was missing out on the bachelor party and rehearsal.

Especially FI. I felt so bad. He was like "I guess it will be just me and the best man for my bachelor party.... I really wanted the three of us to get together like in high school and have fun...." *sadface*

Poor FI.

So, the very next DAY, J calls and says yay! He isn't as necessary as he thought he was and his professor told him don't worry about going to DC and just have fun at the wedding! So, now he'll be here all week!

HOORAY!

I'm really happy! But, FI is still holding a grudge. And I understand why. J needed permission from his professor to come to our wedding.... not because he ACTUALLY needed it, but because in his mind, he needed it.

The best man is coming for the week to visit with us and help us out and have a lot of fun.... and his company is launching a dang ROCKET into SPACE on our wedding day. He told them "Sorry, dudes. My best friend is getting married and I have to be there."

So, FI is judging J against his best man.... who, I admit, is really freaking awesome.

But I feel bad for J, even though I am also mildly annoyed at him. But I have had it drilled in my head "All they have to do is show up wearing the dress (or, in this case-- suit)." So I was willing to let it go pretty easily.

FI will hold this against our friend for YEARS, most likely.

Ugh. See what I mean about wedding stress?

jeanacorina

I really have a talent for writing novels.

**Mutley**

I think that it can be really hard for guys in a different way.  I know that with DH and his friends they can go months without talking but it is an unspoken rule that you do not miss big events.  It is just how it goes with them.  DH was really hurt that two of his best friends could not come to our wedding.  They both live out of the country and it was just not financially feasible for them to come.  He understood why they couldn't come but it still stung. 

I understand why the GM needed to get permission from his prof.  I do think that he should have gotten everything straightened out on his end before talking to you guys about it, but he's a guy and they don't think. 

As far as your FI's feelings, I would talk about how great it is that J did go to his prof to get full permission to come and what fun they are going to have that week (some people would have just assumed the worst and not brought it up for fear of retribution.)  I would talk to him about how friendships can go through phases.  Maybe J is having a hard time with other parts of his life and while he is really excited for the two of you, he could be a little jealous.  I would also encourage your FI to talk to J about how it went down.  Let him know that he supports his school endevours and is really proud of all that he is doing, but how much he counts on J's support in your wedding. 

I just want to give Josh a hug.   

KD+BC

Sorry I'm glad J got it all worked out. Hopefully Josh will realize that things are ok now and let it go. Unfortunately, life goes on regardless of weddings and such. He was never planning on missing your wedding, just trying to do what was best for his career. I can see his side. I'm glad he's not going to have to worry about it now though.

Button5807

Josh's stance/feelings puzzle me.

I will fully admit that due to the way my brain works I am one of those flakey people who blow people off (though to the best of my knowledge I've never missed a big event).  It still surprises me that friends of mine hold grudges about.  I've been like this since puberty. I'm very upfront about it, I don't try to hid it, I do apologize for it but I've never every said I'd change it. It's how I am, if it's a problem for you then maybe you should stop being friends with me.

jeanacorina

Mutley, It would have been WAY better if he had just asked me for a day-of itinerary or asked what exactly he needs to be here for, and not told me he might be flying into New Orleans (possibly a 2-hour drive on a Friday) at 4pm and counting on getting his bags quickly and not running into traffic to make it to the wedding location by 5:30.

FI and his friends also may not speak for months. It's totally okay. But he was counting on J. He knew about this conference thing months ago, and assured us he would make it here in time. He didn't even know if he could go to the conference at all.

I think Josh just doesn't understand how the best man could take vacation time from WORK during a very important week, but J couldn't leave for a few days when school isn't even in session and he's really NOT obligated to be anywhere else.... he just wants to be.

It's tough for us. It's more tough for Josh (who now says he wouldn't even be friends with J anymore if it weren't for me keeping in touch with him), which makes it hard for me.

You can tell when they're together they are best buds. The three guys are completely inseparable (even though they're each in a different state now) and I'm so glad his best friends like me and I fit in great with "the guys."

But I feel like there's not much I can do about this except let Josh hold his grudge a while and hope he gets over it when J gets here and they have an awesome bachelor party and hang out at the rehearsal dinner.

J is flaky. It's how he is (like Button!). He blows us off sometimes. He doesn't mean to. It's not personal. I don't hate him for it. Why does Josh?

Button5807

Josh is a softy, which like any quality makes some situations better and other worse.

oceana919

I have nothing really more to add, other than to send Josh lots of Knottie hugs from Oceana