Fighting with your SO..survey

jaycee7389

Lennon's thread got me thinking. FI and I both have short fuses, so when we do fight it's often pretty heated..but never drags on. I'm just curious to hear what fighting is like in your relationship. Obviously this is personal to some people, so feel free to ignore =]

1. How often do you fight?
2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
3. Who usually says sorry first?
4. How long do your fights last?
5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)

ravenray

1. How often do you fight?
Depends.  I would say like once every 3 weeks.  Big fights once every month maybe
2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
The wedding, stupid things
3. Who usually says sorry first?
Me
4. How long do your fights last?
depends but normally an hour sometimes longer.
5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Angry, hurt, stupid
6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
I wish I was better at understanding what his point is. I think sometimes we fight about misunderstandings. 

cu97tiger

1. How often do you fight?
Very rarely... maybe once every six months?

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
Chores, money, something stupid

3. Who usually says sorry first?
We are both pretty good at saying we are sorry and not making the other person feel like the bad guy. Sometimes we just genuinely have a difference of opinion.

4. How long do your fights last?
Maybe an hour or two.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Hmm... civilly, quickly, for a purpose

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)?

I wish I didn't get so defensive. It's a bad habit. It's going away, but I still find me getting heated sometimes because I've taken something the wrong way, or taken it more personally than it was intended.

Elle1036

1. How often do you fight?

Rarely.  We have silly arguments pretty often, but we only "fight" a couple times a year on average.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?

I don't know that I could come up with a top 3. 

3. Who usually says sorry first?

Ummm...  I don't know that we ever have a formal apology.  Eventually we just talk it out and get over it.

4. How long do your fights last?

A couple days.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.

Infrequent, passive, protracted

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)

I wish he would be a more "active" fighter.  His response to conflict is usually just to say something snarky then withdraw completely.  I get that he wants to give himself time to process things, but I really wish he would just engage with me and deal with the issue more quickly.  I hate letting things fester.

tdwpg1984

To be honest with you, I can't remember my bf and I ever having a fight. We've had disagreements but never a full out fight. I can't even remember what any of our disagreements have been about. I think we had one last summer when BF wanted to go to his friends; birthday, but I wanted to go to a family get together out of town. It's an annual family thing that we skipped the summer before, mainly because of said friends' birthday being on the same weekend, but also because there were a few other things going on. So I figured last year we should go to my family thing. BF wasn't super happy about it. And yes, he could have gone to his friend's party alone while I went to my family event, but I wanted him to be there.

We also disagree about chores sometimes. Neither of us are the tidiest of people, and we both sometimes get frustrated at the condition of our house, especially when one or the other of us gets lazy. 

Oh and the other day we had a disagreement about laundry. I've asked him to either read the tags on my clothes, especially my work clothes, for washing instructions or leave them for me to wash if he's doing laundry. He didn't and hung some sweaters to dry on hangers which caused them to dry all funny. He also shrunk one of my favourite sweaters because he put it in the dryer and it needs to be laid flat to dry. I wasn't a happy camper that day, but tried to be not b!tchy about it and just remind him to read the tag or leave it for me to wash, but he got a little upset saying "If you don't like the way I do laundry, then you do it!" Which is kinda what I had said I would do.

jaycee7389

1. How often do you fight?
Once every few weeks or so (arguments)

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
Stupid stuff, misunderstandings, frustration with work/school that makes us on edge

3. Who usually says sorry first?
FI, almost always. I'm horrible at saying sorry..it's something I need to work on.

4. How long do your fights last?
An hour or two..but when we get over them, which is quickly, it's like nothing happened

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Stupid, loud, pointless

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
We have never had a single fight about something legit. All of our fights stem from one of us being super stressed out. I'm glad we don't have anything worth fighting over, but I wish we'd stop fighting about the stupid stuff.

Swazzle

1. How often do you fight?

The last fight we had was in August. 

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?

We tend to take something the other person says the wrong way & it can escalate from there. There aren't necessarily things that we fight about per se.

3. Who usually says sorry first?

Me. He's not very good at saying 'I'm sorry'. 

4. How long do your fights last?

We say what we need to say & it's usually over after that.  Neither of us are the kind of people to hold grudges or drag things out.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.

Hmm I'll have to get back to you on this one.  I'm finished my 2nd glass of wine & adjectives aren't coming to mind right now.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)

I am trying to get better at taking a few minutes to just breathe & think about the situation during a fight rather than saying things without thinking. It's been helping but I definitely need to keep working on it. 

TheMutleys

1. How often do you fight?
Very, very rarely.  I can count on one hand the number of times we've actually had a fight (I'm not even sure that I would categorize any of them as a fights) and we're going on 4 years together.
That isn't to say that we don't annoy one another from time to time but we openly talk about it when one of us is perturbed. 

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
Um.  We haven't actually had any 'repeat' topics for fights.   

3. Who usually says sorry first?
DH.

4. How long do your fights last?
They were all resolved within the day.  DH cannot go to bed with anything unresolved.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Honest - We both go by the rule that the truth is best out in the open, even if it isn't what the other person wants to hear.  There is no sugar coating or glossing over what is bothering us. 

Respectful - We make a point to listen to what the other is saying and try to actually understand it.  We don't yell.  We don't namecall. 

Patient - This would be DH.  He is very patient with me when we 'fight.'  I tend to go very quiet if I am pissed.  I want to make sure that I mean what I say and that my words are not driven by emotion.  He will just be quiet, even though I know it drives him crazy. 

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
Nothing, honestly.  I would not have married him otherwise. 

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fighting-with-your-sosurvey?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad866d5c-46fd-4d12-b50a-bbb3726e4649Post:0a2a3fda-1201-4153-aeda-1916c823a999">Re: Fighting with your SO..survey</a>:
[QUOTE]1. How often do you fight? Rarely.  We have silly arguments pretty often, but we only "fight" a couple times a year on average. 2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most? I don't know that I could come up with a top 3.  3. Who usually says sorry first? Ummm...  I don't know that we ever have a formal apology.  Eventually we just talk it out and get over it. 4. How long do your fights last? A couple days. 5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight. Infrequent, passive, protracted 6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)<strong> I wish he would be a more "active" fighter.  His response to conflict is usually just to say something snarky then withdraw completely.  I get that he wants to give himself time to process things, but I really wish he would just engage with me and deal with the issue more quickly.  I hate letting things fester.</strong><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

</div><div>This is us exactly.  I'll get the "Yea ok, Rach" or the "Whatever" & then he doesn't feel like talking anymore.  Frustrates me to no end. </div>

doubleSS07

1. How often do you fight?
We don't "fight" often at all.  In the 4 years that we have been together I can really only think of 2 big fights that we have had.


2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
I would say him taking his sweet time making decisions and my need to make a decision and then take action.


3. Who usually says sorry first?
It depends on who was more in the wrong.  We are both pretty good about accepting guilt and saying sorry when we should.

4. How long do your fights last?
The longest one was like 2-3 days but that was our first real biggie and after that we actually had a conversation about not wanting to fight like that.  Normal fights would be like an hour.


5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
1. Quiet - no screaming, yelling, door slamming, name calling allowed really ever
2. Fair - each of us gets a turn back and forth to say how we are feeling and what made us feel that way
3. Respectful - We commited to never saying that what the other person was feeling was wrong, or stupid, or not important.  Everyone gets to feel what they feel and express it in a non-judgemental way.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
We honestly don't really do what I would call fighting.  I have been in a relationship where it wasn't about IF we would fight it was about what are we gonna fight about next and it SUCKED!  BF and I have disagreements to be sure but we talk to each other about what we feel, why we feel that way and what can be done to move forward and hopefully not have that happen again.  I love that we have enough trust and open communication that we can feel secure talking to each other about our feelings without being made to feel silly or having it thrown back in our face.  I know some would say that fighting is passion but I much prefer the way we do things.

prbright

1. How often do you fight?

Rarely. We have gotten so much better at comunicating and expressing our feelings. We have only had one fight in the past four months. That's not to say that every once in a while I don't get moody or annoyed. That's something I want to work on more, not letting my outside annoyances or stresses cause me to snap at him.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?

I think one of our biggest stresses is probably money, his job search, and his best friend who I don't like. But those are only every once in a while, and they're not really fights but more discussions.

3. Who usually says sorry first?

Depends on how and why it started. It's pretty even. If I'm being unreasonable I do and vica versa.

4. How long do your fights last?

Usually no longer than an hour. We always sit down and discuss them until we've worked through it.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.

Rationally- We try not to be one sided and we always try to look at it from the others perspective.

Honestly- We have promised each other not to lie about how we feel. No saying "Yeah, I'm fine" or "it's ok" if we don't mean it.

Calmly- We do not yell at each other. And absolutely do not tolerate name calling or insults of ANY kind. That is not ok and that was one of our huge problems in the past was fighting dirty. It's not ok.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)

[Deleted User]

1. About once a month, though there has been more in the last month.  The distance is harder to deal with in the winter.
2. We don't really have 3 things we fight about consistantly.  Just little things that get lost or misunderstood in the mix.
3. We both apologize pretty well 
4. An hour or three?  Never very long.
5. You're kidding, right? 
6. I'd like to have a better hold on my temper.  I tend to jump to the worst possible scenario first.  I'd like him to be less defensive.  This would help him hear what I'm saying the first time, instead of the 5th, which would stop a lot of the frustration.  We really wouldn't fight much at all if it weren't for this. 

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fighting-with-your-sosurvey?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad866d5c-46fd-4d12-b50a-bbb3726e4649Post:64a8c07e-27d7-4377-8c3c-cc2c479aafe4">Re: Fighting with your SO..survey</a>:
[QUOTE]1. About once a month, though there has been more in the last month.  The distance is harder to deal with in the winter. 2. We don't really have 3 things we fight about consistantly.  Just little things that get lost or misunderstood in the mix. 3. We both apologize pretty well  4. An hour or three?  Never very long. 5. <strong>You're kidding, right?</strong>  6. I'd like to have a better hold on my temper.  I tend to jump to the worst possible scenario first.  I'd like him to be less defensive.  This would help him hear what I'm saying the first time, instead of the 5th, which would stop a lot of the frustration.  We really wouldn't fight much at all if it weren't for this. 
Posted by BloodandChocolate[/QUOTE]

Uh, no.

Peaseblossom55

In the 2 + years we have been together we have never fought.  It may seem wierd but we are both pretty easy going.  I was upset around december for something, he appoloziged and it was over in ten minutes ( he was running late for something & didn't tell me, really not huge).

I think some of the conflict if anything down the road I see my likeness to plan and think ahead, while he like to procrastinate and live in the now a lot more.  We will just need to compromise a bit. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fighting-with-your-sosurvey?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ad866d5c-46fd-4d12-b50a-bbb3726e4649Post:983bac12-715e-465e-b0db-485765e54e78">Re: Fighting with your SO..survey</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fighting with your SO..survey : Uh, no.
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

All I meant is I can't think of just 3 words.  :)

bethsmiles

1. How often do you fight?
There isn't like a set amount like once a week or once a month. When conflict comes up we handle it.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
Honestly, there is only one issue that causes conflict in our relationship on a regular basis and that is his friends.

3. Who usually says sorry first?
I wouldn't say either of us says usually says sorry first.

4. How long do your fights last?
Never overnight.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Venting. Frustration. Ranting.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
I do get louder (not yelling just loud) when I fight. There is never any name calling, nasty remarks, or generally unhealthy fighting habits but my voice is usually raised.

kellyt89

1. How often do you fight?
It really depends on what's going on. When we were LD and getting really sick of it we'd have a medium/large fight once every 2 weeks or so. It really sucked. We were a little bickery when I first moved to MA because we were getting used to being together all the time again. Usually we don't get in real fights anymore than maybe once a month?

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
Usually one of us will say something that the other person misunderstands or gets offended by. Sometimes we'll get in a fight because of something one of us did...or if we're really stressed we'll sometimes take that out on each other and get in a stupid bicker over nothing really.

3. Who usually says sorry first?
We're both pretty good at saying sorry if we hurt the other person's feelings or whatever. Sometimes BF thinks he apologized but he didn't, so we'll fight about that.

4. How long do your fights last?
Our really big fights might last an hour or more but usually they blow over within a couple minutes.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Hmm this is sort of hard...I'll try:
Snappy - usually one snappy thing will start a little fight
Quick - for the most part
Silly - most of our fights end up seeming kind of dumb once we make up

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
I wouldn't want to never fight, I think it's a natural part of a relationship to fight a little as long as you're not being destructive about it.
I guess if I could change one thing I would improve my own temper. If I could stay a little more even keeled in the middle of a fight we'd probably fight even less.

desertsun

1. How often do you fight?
We might get annoyed at each other, or have a conflict to talk through, but we never yell or talk to each other disrespectfully. Ever. We have to talk through something maybe 4-6 times a year? Not very often.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
We will discuss/argue about family obligations -- my family is pushy, and H works long hours, and so that can be a source of tension.

Stuff around the house -- getting annoyed b/c it's been too long since the other person did dishes or something

We will talk about politics or books or movies and argue/disagree, but that's at most a heated discussion where we each try to convince the other. It's never personal or hurtful in any way.

3. Who usually says sorry first?
Me

4. How long do your fights last?
Depends on what it is -- we have ongoing arguments on political issues that have been going on since the day we met.

But for "couple-y" things, usually about 5-15 minutes. We talk it through and then get over it all very fast b/c we're both pretty laid back and prefer to get it worked out and get back to our usual even keel.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Respectful, constructive, fast (always resolved quickly)

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
We've had to work on being really open with each other and being sure we really get to the root cause and talk it through and make sure we're both okay with the result. I don't like it when I feel like he just clams up and gives me my way b/c he doesn't want to open up.

loves2shop4shoes

1. How often do you fight?

Like...BIG fight?  Not since Summer 2008.  Bickering fight?  Like "FI put the toilet seat DOWN!"  Probably once a week or so.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?

-FI is a Virgo.  He gets moody sometimes.  Not in a way that he's ever mean to me...he just gets in a mopy, shitty mood, and it annoys the piss out of me.  Luckily, it's not too often.
-House work
-His bathroom habits.

3. Who usually says sorry first?

FI

4. How long do your fights last?

In the Summer of 2008, we got into a few big fights.  One lasted like 4 days.  But since then, we resolve things same day.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.

Honest, Empathy, Quick-ending, Respectful. 

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits

I wish we had more makeup sex.

jorja86

1. How often do you fight?
Really fight? Like once or twice a year. I can count on one hand the number of real fights we've had in our entire relationship.

We bicker maybe twice a month.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
-Cleaning the house, or his lack of such
-Being late to things. Seriously, we're both bad about that, and when we end up late to something important, we tend to blame each other.
-I couldn't think of a third, so I asked BF, and he says "Me needing attention and you being mean." I'll need to work on that.

3. Who usually says sorry first?
Him. I'm stubborn as hell.

4. How long do your fights last?
An hour, tops.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Infrequently, Respectfully, Reluctantly

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
It would accomplish more. I feel like we have the same fights over and over. We do make progress, just more slowly than I would like to.

polkadot111

1. How often do you fight?

I'd say once every few weeks. But these fights are not yelling matches. More frustrating or being upset. It's for sure more difficult being long distance for us.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?

Finances, family (his family is a bit over the top and it seems to be a sore subject overall), and just random stupid things.

3. Who usually says sorry first?
Pretty even.

4. How long do your fights last?

It's over in the day. I remember one big giant fight that lasted 2 days. That was the longest. But again, we were LD during that fight. So we couldn't just sit there talking it out together.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.

Quick, upset, frustrating.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)

FI shuts down. If we're having a fight, he just would rather go away and think about it and come back together and discuss. I would rather get it over with RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. This makes our arguments worse because we both like to handle them differently. We're learning though. Now usually I give him a while to think and then we discuss. If we have time to think, we cool down more anyways.

dwest2201

1. How often do you fight?  Not that often.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?  Not seeing each other enough, Our schedules being opposite and not getting to talk on top of not seeing each other, Miscommunication-arguing the same point and not realizing it.

3. Who usually says sorry first?  We both will, it depends on who was wrong/more wrong, we can both be bull headed if we feel strongly, but we rarely fight over anything worth not apologizing for.

4. How long do your fights last?  Anywhere from a few minutes to a day or two, sometimes when we leave ona  sour note and then don't see each other or talk for a day or two we aren't really mad anymore but haven't had a chance to talk and verify the other person isn't mad too.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.  Lovingly, unnecessarily, Exhausted-ly (word?) -when we are super tired we argue more.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)? We both get defensive sometimes and it doesn't help.  Since our biggest issue is not enough time together...when it's brought up it's hard not to feel like the other person is saying you aren't making them a priority. 

zipis1

1. How often do you fight?
Very rarely. I find it hard to put a set amount on. Like...maybe 2-4 times a year?  And they're not what many would consider "fights" either.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
I don't know that we have any real repeat offenders. Two-or-three years ago there was some conflict about him staying up late playing video games every night, and then sleeping the day away every day, that took a few hash outs. But since then, most things don't come up again, I don't think.
 
3. Who usually says sorry first?
We're about even split here. As I said in another thread, usually when one of us has a problem the first thing someone says is sorry and then asks to know what exactly it was that upset them and why.

4. How long do your fights last?
A few minutes.

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
Quickly, calmly, pointedly.

6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits (besides never fighting)
I do have a tendency to always need to be right. I do want to change that, but I have a hard time letting things go when I KNOW I'm right so it's been hard. Working on it though.

redheadtmk

1. How often do you fight?
A few times a year we have big fights. Little fights maybe once a month or less.

2. What are the top 3 things you fight about most?
miscommunication, being taken for granted, his obligations to his roommates
3. Who usually says sorry first?
its about 50-50
4. How long do your fights last?
sometimes 1/2 hour sometimes 1-2 hours

5. Use 3 words to describe the way you fight.
irrational, angry, shutdown
6. What is one thing you wish you could change about your fighting habits
(besides never fighting)
That I would remember that he is sensitive to me being mad at him, where as I just get angry back at him when he is mad at me. I need to approach him more when he is upset instead of walking away and letting him be mad. He usually makes the first move and I really need to work on that.