What Would You Do?

az3thou

Hey guys (please don't kill me for not being officially engaged yet ). I'm getting my ring on Monday and am nervous about talking to my dad about planning this thing. My fiance-to-be has already had 'the talk' with him, and my dad is a-okay with it. However, I guess my dad seems to think having a town hall wedding in NC (where me, my SO, parents, and sister live) and then having a party in MA (where all of my other relatives, friends, and SO's relatives and friends live) is the best idea. In all honesty, I do NOT want to do this. To make matters worse, none of my relatives have ever visited my family down in NC in the 3.5 years we have lived down here. I just feel like if this doesn't end up being a good enough reason to visit, then they will NEVER come.

I'm afraid my parents will think this is the only option, but I feel that it's unfair (not just to me, but my parents and sister as well), but I'm also afraid that by doing it in NC, no one would come. I definitely know where I stand on this, but I'm wondering what everyone else thinks. What would you guys do/say? I have to prep myself for the talk after I get my ring. Thanks everyone!

ravenray

Why won't your relatives come down to NC?  It seems silly for them to only come to the "party" afterwards (I am assuming your talking about the reception).  Did you talk to your dad about what you want?

bethsmiles

I say if you are paying for your own wedding do what you and your BF want but if your dad is paying, well money comes with strings and you are pretty much stuck.

az3thou

We won't be talking about it til I actually have the ring on my hand, which is in two days. As far as my dad knows, I don't know anything about the ring, haha. I'm just worried/annoyed at the fact that our relatives might not come because it's 'too far.' But I don't think I'm being selfish in saying that it's not my responsibility to bring the wedding to them. I would like to be married in August 2011/September 2011, but I know 6-7 months is enough time for them to figure out how to get down here. (My family had to drive up to MA to go to my cousin's wedding with absolutely no objection).

I know that as soon as I have the ring on my finger, I'm going to try to book a place so that I have a firm date to tell everyone up north. But then I feel like I have to call them all beforehand and ask 'Would you even come?' I am just hoping that my dad will see it my way because otherwise, I will have a town hall wedding down here and all my relatives will be SOL because I will refuse to do it up there. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance from others so I don't feel like a selfish bitch for wanting them to come to me.

az3thou

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae72af3b-4531-490c-988a-8a6a6ec0b0b1Post:96ba9e1e-ce70-4e59-80b7-b6bae18dca61">Re: What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I say if you are paying for your own wedding do what you and your BF want but if your dad is paying, well money comes with strings and you are pretty much stuck.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I actually pretty much agree with you. I don't think my parents would force me into anything, but I think they probably just think our relatives wouldn't come because they have never even bothered to come visit us or even talked about coming to visit. I could pay for my own wedding, but if nobody would come, well, I guess I wouldn't have to.

marleylikeair

First off, are your parents paying? If so, they get a vote in this. If not, or if you and your SO are paying for most of the wedding, I feel you should be able to get married and have the reception where you and your SO want to. When the time comes, you can politely, but firmly, state your decision.

Second, you mention you're getting your ring on Monday. (I'm assuming that means you're getting it from your dad and it's a family heirloom...?) Don't forget that just because you're getting the ring doesn't mean you're going to be engaged right away. Lots of girls on here experienced (and/or are still experiencing) gaps of many months in between their SOs' obtaining the ring and actually proposing. My point here is that you don't necessarily need to decide this now, and you can tell your dad that. Have you read the "please read before posting" thread near the top of this board? It'll give you lots of reasons why you don't need to (and shouldn't) be making any definite plans before you're engaged.

However, this now, and that is then. You don't actually have to nail down locations just yet. Not just because you're not engaged yet, but because you're not getting married for at least a good few months, if not more--right? So, maybe your dad says he thinks this dual-state wedding is a good idea now, but who knows what he'll think in a few months? Nod, smile, say "that's a great idea, Dad! We'll definitely think about that!" And then don't bring it up for awhile. That's what I'd do, anyway.

I'm not sure that wanting them to come down to NC is the most gracious reason to have the wedding there, so I would leave that out of the conversation, at least at first. And then I'd frame it in terms of how much fun it would be to have them see where you and your SO, parents, etc., live now.

My BFF got married last year and had a second reception in her NY hometown, for all the people who would not be able to afford to come all the way out to MN. She and her H wanted to accommodate their guests as best they could. (I think they tried to spread the word that they didn't expect gifts.) So don't forget--you're hosting a party. You and your SO are going to want to be gracious hosts, right? Right. After all, you're bringing two families together; it's not just about you and your SO.

That's why I'm going to say one other thing: my advice to you, though semi-unsolicited, is: don't call it "my day" or even "our day." It may not offend anyone you're close to IRL, but on TK, it'll at least be cause for a side-eye or even some sharply worded responses. Here's one of my favorite little tidbits from Miss Manners. Not because I think you're being rude, but because I think it's relevant and very good advice...

Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers.

Anyway, welcome to the board, and good luck. Let us know how it goes!

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae72af3b-4531-490c-988a-8a6a6ec0b0b1Post:4b9dbf13-1942-4b65-b9d7-2b2ae1573375">Re: What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What Would You Do? : I actually pretty much agree with you. I don't think my parents would force me into anything, but I think they probably just think our relatives wouldn't come because they have never even bothered to come visit us or even talked about coming to visit. I could pay for my own wedding, but if nobody would come, well, I guess I wouldn't have to.
Posted by az3thou[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you're selling yourself short! Your family loves you, and I think they would come down for a momentous event in your life, like a wedding, y'know? And if they wouldn't, well, why would you go to all the trouble of planning a reception nearer to them for their convenience? It's great that you want to be thoughtful and accommodating of them, but I think you'll be just fine having the wedding where you, your SO, and your immediate family live.
</div><div>
</div><div>Also...whoa mama. There was a lot of conversation while I was typing my long-a$$ first response. :)</div><div>
</div><div>I still want to know what the situation with the ring is. Is it a family piece? How do you know you're getting it on Monday? I'm just confused by your wording and want to know the deal. :)</div>

az3thou

Don't worry. I read the post before posting anything. Any my fiance-to-be bought and has the ring (he's not very good at keeping secrets) and is at work all weekend til Monday (that's why I'm getting it Monday). I definitely appreciate everything you've said and completely understand where my dad would be coming from. I guess when he was talking to my SO when he asked if he could marry me, he said ultimately, we can do whatever we want.

I think I'm basically just bitter that no one has ever offered to visit us here, and it would really offend me and make me sad if a wedding wasn't a good enough reason. I think me and my family might just be jumping to conclusions, but I feel like I have to be prepared for my relatives to say 'Umm...can't you just do it up here?' I am hoping they will be excited and see it as an opportunity to come see NC and where we've been living and all that good stuff.

The reason for me wanting to nail down a place ASAP is that if we are going to do it down here, I will want everyone up north to know the exact date so that they can start planning their trip down here (we want to get married in 6-7 months so I'd want them to have time).

Funny enough, I never really wanted a wedding. For some reason, I always thought it was so intimate and embarassing, but now that I've started to think about it, I would really like to have those important people there. Ugh, I really just want to get that convo over with and figure out what we can do!

az3thou

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae72af3b-4531-490c-988a-8a6a6ec0b0b1Post:857166de-935c-4f51-bbdf-b3d99f6289b6">Re: What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What Would You Do? : I think you're selling yourself short! Your family loves you, and I think they would come down for a momentous event in your life, like a wedding, y'know? And if they wouldn't, well, why would you go to all the trouble of planning a reception nearer to them for their convenience? It's great that you want to be thoughtful and accommodating of them, but I think you'll be just fine having the wedding where you, your SO, and your immediate family live. Also...whoa mama. There was a lot of conversation while I was typing my long-a$$ first response. :) I still want to know what the situation with the ring is. Is it a family piece? How do you know you're getting it on Monday? I'm just confused by your wording and want to know the deal. :)
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

Haha, yes, lot's of convo which I greatly appreciate!

About the ring, I am so not a romantic person so I have always let my SO know that I do not want any elaborate 'Will you marry me?' moment. Because of that, we've basically picked out the ring together (I just wasn't actually allowed to be there when he bought it), and he can't exactly keep a secret so he's already told me I'll have it Monday, haha.

bethsmiles

So your BF told you that you were getting the ring Monday? Because having the ring doesn't mean ASAP proposal.

But anyways, coming down for a visit and coming down for a wedding are two very different things. I think you are over thinking this. Just plan the wedding that you want to have, where you want to have it and let them have plenty of notice.

ETA: Ignore the beginning, we were typing at the same time and I didn't see your last post

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae72af3b-4531-490c-988a-8a6a6ec0b0b1Post:cfe1d87f-3a0f-47de-9a94-3b5358e8f4e5">Re: What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't worry. I read the post before posting anything. Any my fiance-to-be bought and has the ring (he's not very good at keeping secrets) and is at work all weekend til Monday (that's why I'm getting it Monday). I definitely appreciate everything you've said and completely understand where my dad would be coming from. I guess when he was talking to my SO when he asked if he could marry me, he said ultimately, we can do whatever we want. I think I'm basically just bitter that no one has ever offered to visit us here, and it would really offend me and make me sad if a wedding wasn't a good enough reason. I think me and my family might just be jumping to conclusions, but I feel like I have to be prepared for my relatives to say 'Umm...can't you just do it up here?' I am hoping they will be excited and see it as an opportunity to come see NC and where we've been living and all that good stuff. The reason for me wanting to nail down a place ASAP is that if we are going to do it down here, I will want everyone up north to know the exact date so that they can start planning their trip down here (we want to get married in 6-7 months so I'd want them to have time). Funny enough, I never really wanted a wedding. For some reason, I always thought it was so intimate and embarassing, but now that I've started to think about it, I would really like to have those important people there. Ugh, I really just want to get that convo over with and figure out what we can do!
Posted by az3thou[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok, got it. I totally understand everything you're saying. I think you and your parents, SO, etc. should just present it like, HEY! This is super exciting and we can't wait to have you here! They'll come. Be confident in your decision. Be effusive about all that NC has to offer. Be like Neil Patrick Harris:</div><div>
</div><div>
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</div><div>
</div><div>So you know you're getting the ring on Monday because your BF isn't doing the big surprise proposal and told you this? Am I up to speed now? I really want to understand. :)</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Okay, saw your other post about not wanting the big romantic proposal--got it now. Thanks. :)

</div>

az3thou

Haha yes, you got it now. I basically told him when it comes time, just throw it at me. How sweet of me, huh?

Thanks for everything you two have said. I really appreciate it. I'm really hoping that people will want to come, but just thinking about it has made me mad even. I keep getting this feeling that I'll call them up and they'll be like 'So, you're doing it here, right?' I'm definitely a 'prepare for the worst' kind of person so that I am never surprised by bad news. Here's hoping to all good things after Monday.

By the way, I love NPH.

bethsmiles

Marley - HIMYM reference FTW!! I love that show!!

jilld82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae72af3b-4531-490c-988a-8a6a6ec0b0b1Post:6779a7c6-424b-4995-9d30-9f2d98065371">Re: What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, are your parents paying? If so, they get a vote in this. If not, or if you and your SO are paying for most of the wedding, I feel you should be able to get married and have the reception where you and your SO want to. When the time comes, you can politely, but firmly, state your decision. Second, you mention you're getting your ring on Monday. (I'm assuming that means you're getting it from your dad and it's a family heirloom...?) Don't forget that just because you're getting the ring doesn't mean you're going to be engaged right away. Lots of girls on here experienced (and/or are still experiencing) gaps of many months in between their SOs' obtaining the ring and actually proposing. My point here is that you don't necessarily need to decide this now, and you can tell your dad that. Have you read the "please read before posting" thread near the top of this board? It'll give you lots of reasons why you don't need to (and shouldn't) be making any definite plans before you're engaged. However, this now, and that is then. You don't actually have to nail down locations just yet. Not just because you're not engaged yet, but because you're not getting married for at least a good few months, if not more--right? So, maybe your dad says he thinks this dual-state wedding is a good idea now, but who knows what he'll think in a few months? Nod, smile, say "that's a great idea, Dad! We'll definitely think about that!" And then don't bring it up for awhile. That's what I'd do, anyway. I'm not sure that wanting them to come down to NC is the most gracious reason to have the wedding there, so I would leave that out of the conversation, at least at first. And then I'd frame it in terms of how much fun it would be to have them see where you and your SO, parents, etc., live now. My BFF got married last year and had a second reception in her NY hometown, for all the people who would not be able to afford to come all the way out to MN. She and her H wanted to accommodate their guests as best they could. (I think they tried to spread the word that they didn't expect gifts.) So don't forget--you're hosting a party. You and your SO are going to want to be gracious hosts, right? Right. After all, you're bringing two families together; it's not just about you and your SO. <strong>That's why I'm going to say one other thing: my advice to you, though semi-unsolicited, is: don't call it "my day" or even "our day." It may not offend anyone you're close to IRL, but on TK, it'll at least be cause for a side-eye or even some sharply worded responses. </strong>Here's one of my favorite little tidbits from Miss Manners. Not because I think you're being rude, but because I think it's relevant and very good advice... Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders 1.  When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married. 2.  People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around. 3.  A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it. 4.  Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril. 5.  Your guests are not your personal shoppers. Anyway, welcome to the board, and good luck. Let us know how it goes!
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

Thank you!  Out of everything she posted this was the thing that stood out the most to me.  Yeah like marley said, girls here will probably be nice about it but if you go on the E board you will get flamed to death.  No not to death but it will make you think twice about coming on TK.

SeaTea02

Where is your SO's family and friends? Will they want to go to MA? 

az3thou

Hey another question for you guys (by the way, I'm already feeling better about the whole situation so thank you so much). Do you think I should ask my guests if they have a preference for a certain weekend since the majority will be coming from 700 miles away? Or is this just another, if you plan it, they will come?

jeanacorina

Okay, lots of long posts, and I'm tired, so I'm going to throw this out as a married old hag with an early bedtime, and hope it helps you.

My ENTIRE family lives in either West Virginia or Colorado. I live in Louisiana and have for several years. No one came to visit me until I got engaged- then my mom visited a couple of times to help me with wedding-related things.

We decided to have the wedding here as opposed to near my family because a) My husband's whole family lives here, and b) it's just a bit EASIER to plan a wedding where you live. No long-distance stress.

A lot of my family made it to the wedding. Some did not. It's just a fact that not everyone you invite will be able to come. Especially when it's a long way. Some folks won't be able to spend the money or the vacation time. But some will, and it's fine.

Heck, some of my husband's family who live here weren't able to make it.

But you need to choose the location that makes you guys happy, is easier on you for planning, and of course take into account the opinions of everyone contributing to the budget. But whatever you do, be gracious. Thank those who help you with money and planning. Look up hotels in the area at a couple of different price points if you'll have out of town guests- and ask about group rates! Help your guests make the trip affordable, and give them suggestions on other things they can do in the area to make it a little like a vacation.

A wedding website is PERFECT for that.

Long-distance won't necessarily kill your wedding, and a lot of people you may not expect to come will actually surprise you. I had a friend from California fly in for our wedding. It was so awesome- I didn't expect her to make it!

Just feel things out when you get engaged. See what the budget looks like, draft up a rough guest list, get an idea of the time of year you'd like, and scope out prices in the locations you may be interested in. You might find that one state is far more affordable than the other, or that you know more about one area than the other and would find it easier to plan.

You'll do fine. You're not the first bride with guests from all over the place. If you have questions, feel free to keep asking- there are a few of us hanging around who have already done this.

jeanacorina

As far as choosing a date- you figure out a general idea of what YOU would like, then ask the VIPs- parents, grandparents... anyone you just COULD NOT have the wedding without. You work it around them. But you can't work it around everyone- and you can't really take a vote. Just think about who you really MUST have there, and run the dates by them before you sign any contracts.

az3thou

Jeana, thank you so much! It's really nice to hear about someone that was in a similar position. I think I've come to the realization that people WILL come. It doesn't have to be everyone, and I would completely understand anyone that couldn't make it. I'll let you guys know the verdict when we go over all the initial details with my fam!

heyimbren

Yeah, I like what Jeana said.

Figure out a weekend that works for you two, but don't ask everyone in your families what weekend works best for them.

Planning a wedding ins about making decisions, and the reality is that not everyone is going to come. It doesn't matter when or where you have it, some people just won't make it. Accept that right off the bat and you'll do fine.

Can I just ask why you definitely don't want to have a wedding in MA? And how does your SO feel about all of this?

jeanacorina

Oh, I didn't mention I also planned my wedding in about 8 months, and several other girls here planned theirs in less. Don't stress about planning in 6-7 months. Probably the best thing to do is to sit down with your soon-to-be-FI once you're engaged and talk about when you want to have the wedding. We settled on late May or early June. We ran that by our parents and grandparents, and then let them spread the word that there wasn't an OFFICIAL date yet, but that we were looking to book around that time.

We didn't do save-the-date cards... we just let family members and very close friends know our plan.

We also had our guest list hammered out early. It's one of the first things you do- I found it best to just write down (actually we did an Excel spreadsheet) everyone we WANTED to invite, and then talk about budget and see how many we could afford... we didn't have to cut very many, but we kept it small- mostly aunts/uncles/counsins and a few close friends.

The first couple of weeks of planning is a weird balancing act. You need the budget to make the guest list, and you need the guest list to book the venue, and you kind of need a budget to select the venue, and you need the venue to finalize your guest list. It's crazy. But budget certainly comes first- you can't do much until you know how much money you've got.

AND- don't count on money from anyone else until it's in your hands. Sometimes parents really really want to help, but they don't realize they can't afford what they want to give. Plan for the wedding you can afford as a couple, and if you end up with more money, you can always add things or upgrade the meal or something. Just don't count your chickens before they hatch- many of us have felt that sting.

az3thou

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ae72af3b-4531-490c-988a-8a6a6ec0b0b1Post:5dc4b5cc-6ea2-4076-a952-50e35d70726a">Re: What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I like what Jeana said. Figure out a weekend that works for you two, but don't ask everyone in your families what weekend works best for them. Planning a wedding ins about making decisions, and the reality is that not everyone is going to come. It doesn't matter when or where you have it, some people just won't make it. Accept that right off the bat and you'll do fine. Can I just ask why you definitely don't want to have a wedding in MA? And how does your SO feel about all of this?
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

For one, I feel like it would be really stressful planning it from so far away. Also, I just feel like this is my home and has been for 3.5 years now, and it is now my SO's home, too. My immediate family, who are the most important people in the world to me, live here, as well. No one else has ever come visit my family in NC (we ALWAYS have to go see them) so I feel like this is a perfect excuse for them to come down.

Jeana, thanks for all the good info...again. We actually have already talked about a time (late August so my younger cousins don't have to miss school, or Labor Day/Columbus Day weekend if possible). In terms of a guest list, we have already written a basic one down (though I have a feeling my mother is going to pile on a bunch of people). I am actually planning on paying for a lot of stuff in my wedding. I just feel weird having my parents do it, though I know they can and will want to. I'm not looking for anything major and have already researched affordable places. I would feel super weird and uncomfortable having my dad pay for anything even remotely extravagant, so I know he will be happy about that. I'm excited/nervous about having all the important chitchat with them in a couple days. I'll let you guys know how it goes. In the meantime, thank you all again :)

az3thou

Ok soo...it's now been official for a few days, and my dad has started slipping in his little hints that we should 'have a courthouse wedding' here with me, my FI, sister, and my parents, and then go up to MA to have a 'party' with everyone else. Ultimately, he claims it is up to me, but I feel like I'm going to be completely pressured into it. I've already made it clear that I do not want to do that.

To me, if it's going to come down to that, I would rather just have my courthouse wedding and go visit people. What is the point of a 'party'? I can show them my ring and we can make and eat a cake out of a box. I just can't justify that. And it would not make me happy.

It sucks to be told it's all up to you and then feel like you really don't have any options, so I basically came up to my room and bawled my eyes out. My mom came in my room and could tell I was upset. She said we will figure it out. I seriously would rather just have a courthouse wedding and be done with it if I'm just going to be guilted into something I don't want to do. Ugh, I hate to vent, but it's just frustrating and upsetting to be told it's completely up to me but then basically be guilted into doing something I don't want to do.

We're supposed to talk about it more this weekend when my FI gets home from work, but at this point, I don't even want to deal with it...

bethsmiles

I think you just have to be honest about what it is that you and your FI want. Its sounds like your parents want you to be happy and although they have ideas of what should happen they aren't going to force you into anything. Don't feel pressured to make a decision right away. Take your time thinking about it and discussing it with your FI and your parents and any other important people in making this decision.

Oh and may we please see pics of your ring?! I'm sure the oohing and awwing over it will make you feel better!

az3thou

Haha, Beth, thanks. I've been trying to take a picture of it, but it's always blurry. I'll see what I can do. It's really simple, exactly what I wanted.

I guess I feel a little more pressure because we would like to get married in August or September, and that is only 6-7 months away, so I do feel like the decisions should get made relatively quickly, at least the big ones. To add more to it, on the same day I got engaged, I got offered a Full-Time job (I've been self-employed for the past 6 months or so which makes my schedule flexible), so I'm worried about finding the time for all this. Ahhh so much! Let me try to get that picture

az3thou

This is literally the best I could do, haha.