BF is so defensive! VENT!

DanieKA

So BF lost his job a few weeks ago. The good news is he found a temp to permanent position the past week. The money is more than he was making before and he seems to be good at the job, but it's not at all what he wants to be doing in life, so he's still looking in his preferred career area.

I am 100 percent in favor of him looking for something that's his passion. I know how soul crushing it is to do work that you hate. Not like something tolerable or something that you don't particular care about, but is easy enough, but something you just hate, which I think this temp job might become for him. I don't want  him to be utterly unhappy in a place where he will spend the majority of his waking hours for the rest of his life (dramatic, I know. But that's what work is) so I'm helping him in any way possible.

The problem? He saw something that looked promising today, so he wrote a cover letter and asked me to look it over. I did and I pointed out things that could be clearer or things that I didn't think made sense, plus spelling/grammar issues and he got SO DEFENSIVE! 

I should've known better. We've been down this road once before. He sent me a cover letter over e-mail once and I made the mistake of redrafting/rewriting it and he got so pissed off. 

Why ask for my help if you aren't going to take any of my suggestions and get so worked up about making any changes? Why get so defensive about the changes I see that need to happen or grammar stuff? Should I just let him send out an informal, slang-filled, misspelled cover letter? 

I just don't understand at all what his problem is. He just gets so short of temper and snappish about it. I know he's super passionate about his ideal field and wants so badly to find a job in it, but if he doesn't want help and he's going to become all huffy about it, he shouldn't ask. 

Examples of what I see that I usually change in his cover letter

-Repetitive wording ("I have a thirst for knowledge that has led me to deepen my knowledge on..."

-Random capitalization/not capitalizing something that should be.

-missing word (like when you type fast and you miss the word "the" in a sentence, or "a" in a sentence.

-general clarity (spelling out his college instead of using initials like USC, AU, NYU, etc)

-misspellings, excessive comma use

-too informal/use of slang

Things like that. I love BF with all my heart and soul and couldn't imagine being with anyone else, but when he snapped at me today I almost lost it. I'm just over it with him today! Do any of your guys do this? Is it just a "man" thing to be defensive about certain things? I just don't get it. 

Sorry, that's my long vent/rant

polkadot111

That would really frustrate me if FI got all upset with me after ASKING me to correct something of his. He'll ask me to look over things, and I edit it like crazy. He then takes them into consideration.

If you're looking over his cover letter and helping him, he should be thankful. Not yelling at you for helping him.

bethsmiles

Could part of the problem be the way you are pointing out things to him? Personally, I would ask him why he wanted me to look it over if he didn't want suggestions.

wink0erin

I think it's a man thing. 

If he's so pissy about the suggestions you made, I'd probably end up saying something snarky back, like "Fine, don't ask for my help if you don't want it."

Kind of how today, I reminded BF to write a paper (he had asked me to remind him because he thought he'd forget). I said "Hey don't forget to work on that paper!" and he got extremely defensive about it. Started making excuses as to why he didn't need to work on it today after all. After a bit of arguing I said "Do whatever. I was just reminding you like you ASKED me to." He apologized.

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-defensive-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af59240f-2edf-44ca-a45c-71fc28c69ed7Post:fb72c923-326d-4560-89a6-a1835f612593">Re: BF is so defensive! VENT!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's a man thing.  If he's so pissy about the suggestions you made, I'd probably end up saying something snarky back, like "Fine, don't ask for my help if you don't want it." Kind of how today, I reminded BF to write a paper (he had asked me to remind him because he thought he'd forget). I said "Hey don't forget to work on that paper!" and he got extremely defensive about it. Started making excuses as to why he didn't need to work on it today after all. After a bit of arguing I said "Do whatever. I was just reminding you like you ASKED me to." He apologized.
Posted by wink0erin[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes! I was thinking maybe it had something to do with him wanting to be "the man" and find a job on his own, and provide, and beat his fists against his chest or whatever men think they want to do/need to do to be the provider. That's fine and dandy, and all, but there's no need to be a turd nugget when he ASKS me for help. It's just frustrating. </div><div>
</div><div>And now he's being all sweet and cute and cuddly b/c he knows he was a jerk. And I'll get over it, but for now, I'm still irked. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

becunning2

It definitely sounds like a man thing.  Sometimes boys are just difficult!  It's good he's at least realized he was being a grumpasaurus though, but I totally understand why you're annoyed at him.

zipis1

I can get that way myself, sometimesPeople have made me aware of it though, and I've gotten much better. But sometimes it still rears up.

I'm not really sure why I get defensive, but sometimes it is indeed how the person says it. It also may depend on how I'm feeling about myself at that moment. Like, say I was in your BF's position. I'd guesd I'd be feeling kinda down and under pressure, so when someone corrected something like my resume, it could almost feel like it's in a way saying I'm not qualified for whatever I"m applying for. Dumb reasoning, but it's one of the uglier sides of my character that I work on.

I'm also a sore loser, and progress on that has been much slower :P

DanieKA

Bcunning, that picture is hilarious. Boys are indeed, um...difficult at times! I'll just leave it at that:)

And zipis, you're right. I think he's feeling a lot of pressure recently and maybe the way I said something or the way I pointed it out just got under his skin. He lost his job about a week before I passed the bar. He's so proud of me and I know he is, but maybe he's feeling like he needs to step up his game, and me pointing out mistakes, or how I would do things differently just wasn't what he needed. 

zipis1

To be fair, he still did ask you to do it. I'm certainly not saying he was justified in behaving that way. He really wasn't and I don't blame you for being hurt/frustrated by it. So don't feel like you did something wrong. You didn't.

lennonkdc

BF and I have been down  The why did you ask for my help if your going to be a jerk Road. I have found that it was as much the way I was 'helping' as it was his feelings of 'I'll do it my self'.I used to just dive right in and 'fix' his papers, cover letters, what nots, even when he would ask, without talking to him about it firts. I've found that instead of jumping right in and 'fixing' everything, I will tell him how much I love it, how it reflects his passion for XYZ or a I really got a sense of blah blah blah. Then I ask if he wants me to review the spelling/ grammar. Then I pick a new complement, then if some wording is off I wiill say- Hey I know what you mean to say, but I think it might come off weird, is there an other way you can think to put it? Let him think up the wording corrections that might need to be made. If he doesn't want to make them, drop it. (after all, even if wrong it must be a reflection of him and not you since its him and not you they might hire- really difficult I know b/c you want to see him do well, but its the truth...) This approach has really really helped us both so much. 

ravenray

Eh, *raises hand guiltily*  I do that.  For me it stems from the fact that I already don't feel good enough and some making changes feels like criticism against myself personally.  Even though rationally I know they aren't, it is still really hard for me.  It is something I am working on but it isn't easy.  Maybe talk to him and let him know that he gets defensive and you just want to help.  I would ask him to work on since it bothers you.  GL!

Simply Fated

It sounds like he made quite a few mistakes... and rookie ones, at that. Misspelled words and slang terms should never be anywhere near a resume. He might be frustrated with himself. Next time, pass on the offer to check his resume. Maybe hearing the suggestions from someone else will give him the kick in the pants he needs.

KatyRoseM

I so this all the time.  It's totally unfair to you, but here is what I've figured out about why I do it.
1. Every time I ask for help people read what I've written out loud back to me and tell me I should read it out loud to myself to catch things, this drives me crazy mostly because I'm dyslexic, so when I read things I often don't see the errors, or if it's the wrong word, reading it out loud won't help.  Also if you say things like that you always sound condescending. 
2. I've usually told the person I've asked for help about the above problem, but they continue to tell me all would be well if I would reread it (I promise it won't, really). 
3. I've always been told that I have to have people read things before I send them out (which is true) but because of how my parents talked to me about it and the amount they would yell about spelling errors the whole process destroys any confidence I had in whatever I was working on. In my head it's a reminder that I'm stupid. 

Basically what I'm saying is that maybe it's not about you or your corrections.  If he is always like that maybe he has some deeper problem relating to this issue?  If so he can talk to you about those issues and work on it (I'm getting a lot better). 

msuprincess04

My bf is in law school, and I'm a lawyer, so he always asks to go over stuff. I'm sure he's just frusterated at the situation and finds it easier to take it out on you. Tell him to knock it off, and next time politley decline editing. He'll learn.

DanieKA

Thanks again, everybody! Yeah, some of the mistakes are rookie mistakes, but I try not to be too hard on him or point out that some are obvious. He is very conversational in all of his correspondence, likes to talk face to face with people, is an excellent networker (far better than I am), but I guess you could say I'm "better on paper" so I get the need to be professional and not overly friendly or informal right off the bat. Our styles are just very different, and with a job that you have to apply for online, or that you can't go into a location and see someone face to face, it's hard for him to be more professional and less buddy-buddy on paper. KWIM??

But we'll work on it. We already had a talk about it and he apologized for being snappy. I'm not sure I can say no if/when he asks for my help again, but we'll figure it out (I hope!)