Not yet..

Inlove17

So I know I don't have the ring yet or anything, and I know I am a little over two months shy of being 18, but I don't think I should be discouraged about planning my wedding. My boyfriend and I have both been on here and have also looked around at dress shops. But I don't get what is so wrong with that. Although he is going to bootcamp, Then combat tranning, and then job schooling. We weren't planning on getting married for about a year and a half or so. Is there anything wrong with my thinking?

notquiteblushing

Just curious...while he is off to boot camp and then additional training, what do you plan on doing with your life, other than planing a wedding?

hetshup

Oh dear, sweet Jesus! Mutley, Pink? Do you see this?

OP let me throw some stats at you. I work for a company that deals with the military pretty much exclusively. I talk to people EVERY SINGLE DAY that are 20 and getting divorced. You may be mature for 18 but there is no way that you are ready to be married. Ready to go to college yes, married no. A wedding does not a marriage make, a dress does not a wedding make. Go to college, take out loans if you have to, graduate from high school. At least live on your own for a while. And if you are living on your own now, live on your own for a while longer. 

Acrosthec

I admittedly don't know much about military goings-on, and would've directed you to the military board.  Since you've already been there, and they've told you to wait, I suggest you take their advice.  They've been where you are and know a lot more than this national board does (mostly likely...some may have some experiences with the military, but not like it is over on that board).  They'll be able to tell you what you're about to get into with your BF entering the Marines, and how to handle it and help your relationship grow.  I would seriously listen to them.

However, that being said, we would tell someone that WAS engaged and not planning to get married for another year and a half to two years to not plan their wedding, because things will change between now and then - ideas, budget, guest list, your favorite colors, dates, wedding party, etc etc etc.  Just ask Goldie.

babybchbum

What do we have here... please tell me this is MUD.

GAH!

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af983b88-a3c8-4360-9e0d-e453d0e81e1fPost:55da4fcf-ac1c-43c6-a40f-327ab6e48386">Not yet..</a>:
[QUOTE]So I know I don't have the ring yet or anything, and I know I am a little over two months shy of being 18, but I don't think I should be discouraged about planning my wedding. My boyfriend and I have both been on here and have also looked around at dress shops. But I don't get what is so wrong with that. Although he is going to bootcamp, Then combat tranning, and then job schooling. We weren't planning on getting married for about a year and a half or so. Is there anything wrong with my thinking?
Posted by Inlove17[/QUOTE]

Sigh.  You know you don't have to get married because he is going into the military.  Right?  You know that you can continue to date. Right?  Would marriage even be on your radar if he wasn't going into the military?

A) You need to build a life for yourself.  You need to have some way of taking care of yourself. 

2) Even if you DO get married that does not mean you will get to be together - deployments, TAD, work-ups, field-ops, etc. 

Tres)  Military relationships are tough sh!t.  You need real life experiences to deal with it.  Experiences that cannot be gained in high school.

Zumba) You are 17.  Be 17.  Sure, dream about your wedding like a schoolgirl but do NOT plan it.  Then, go out and conquer the world.  Come back to the marriage topic when you don't live under mommy and daddy's roof.

From personal experience, please do NOT even entertain the idea of marriage until you get through at least one deployment.  (Even then, it was deployment #3 that finally ended my relationship.  No, I am not bitter but it does make me very wary of anybody going into a marriage having not experienced the harsh relaties of the military.)  I could go on and on, but what is the point. 

MUD anyone? Hoping and praying.

Inlove17

I am not living on my own yet. I am looking for a job for when he leaves, and I also am taking yoga, and waiting to go to college. I haven't decided on a major yet. While I do understand people telling me to live one my own( witch I will be doing, or atleast staying with my bestfriend in an apartment), I don't think that I should have to do anything else that will consume my time. As for waiting, it's not like we are getting engaged and then married right away. We are going to wait atleast a year after the engagment to get married. So I will be almost 20 by the time we are even close to getting married.

katanne9

I really and truly hope you take the advice you have gotten on the military brides board, and the advice you will get on this board: please wait.

1. You are 17 years old. There is so much more to learn before you are ready to get married. Please finish school, get a place of your own, pay your own bills, do your own grocery shopping, shovel your own driveway, etc, etc, etc before you joiny our life with someone else.

2. Military marriages are incredibly difficult. Don't make it harder by marrying prematurely. From your other post, he hasn't even started boot camp yet... which means you're in for a long hard road.

3. Age and military reasoning aside, you're not engaged. Ladies who are not engaged should not be looking at dresses, not picking out names for their table numbers or planning their wedding. Do not plan your wedding until you're engaged. You are being BSC.

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af983b88-a3c8-4360-9e0d-e453d0e81e1fPost:a1104b2e-6fb1-4a38-9bae-2bf3706cb1a9">Re: Not yet..</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not living on my own yet. I am looking for a job for when he leaves, and I also am taking yoga, and waiting to go to college. I haven't decided on a major yet. .....I don't think that I should have to do anything else that will consume my time.
Posted by Inlove17[/QUOTE]


I'm sorry. Yoga and picking a major do not qualify you as an adult. If you're not paying taxes, paying your own health insurance, contributing to your 410K, you're not ready to get married.

katanne9

[QUOTE]Everone has different ideas of what is cute. And as for me being to young yes I am. I understand that. I also want to be prepared. We aren't getting married until after he finishes school. Him and I have both talked about it. And I was wanting to become a wedding planner that's why I'm so into this at such a young age. Him and I aren't getting married for atleast a year and a half two years. I wouldn't dream of having a Military wedding if he wasn't in the service. I do agree that's disrespectful.
Posted by Inlove17[/QUOTE]



Also, wanting to be a wedding planner is great. Go to school, get a degree, get a job, get a job planning weddings for all we care. This does NOT give you an excuse to start planning your own wedding at this age.

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af983b88-a3c8-4360-9e0d-e453d0e81e1fPost:a1104b2e-6fb1-4a38-9bae-2bf3706cb1a9">Re: Not yet..</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not living on my own yet. I am looking for a job for when he leaves, and I also am taking yoga, and waiting to go to college. I haven't decided on a major yet. While I do understand people telling me to live one my own( witch I will be doing, or atleast staying with my bestfriend in an apartment), I don't think that I should have to do anything else that will consume my time. As for waiting, it's not like we are getting engaged and then married right away. We are going to wait atleast a year after the engagment to get married. So I will be almost 20 by the time we are even close to getting married.
Posted by Inlove17[/QUOTE]
What happens when you start at a college and then get married?  What if he is stationed some place that is not near any colleges?

It is not about "doing stuff to consume your time."  It is about having a relationship as an adult with another adult.  Right now, you are not an adult.  He is not an adult.  Being almost 20 is almost no different from being almost 18.  Take on another 4 years after that and then you are talking.  I was just starting to feel like an adult when I was graduating with my masters at 'almost' 25.  It took getting my 1st real job and my own apartment to truly feel like an adult.  Hell, some days, I look around and think "when did I grow up? Holy smokes, I am having a baby."  And this is at 'almost' 28.

Regardless of age or military affiliation, looking at dresses and starting to plan your wedding without being engaged is stupid.  Enjoy your relationship.  See where it goes.  Let life be a little unplanned for awhile.  It is amazing where it will take you when you let it. 

jeanacorina

I agree with everyone else here. Which means they all agree with me by proxy. So they agree with each other and themselves.

You're too young, you're not even engaged yet, military marriages are hella tough, and so on.

There's a REASON we're all telling you this. No harm can come from waiting. Lots of harm can come from rushing in.

Give me 5 reasons you should get married in a year, and I'll give you 10 reasons to wait until you're older, wiser, and have a college education and full-time work experience.

zipis1

I'm not sure why you thought you'd get a different response here than the other board. But I agree with the other ladies.

Look, I'm not much older than you. I'm 22, but even from here I can see your immaturity shining for even thinking that by the time you're almost 20 (which is 19, by the way. A teenager) is any better than getting married at 17/18. 20 year olds tend to be pretty naive still (heck, 22 year olds can tend to be, too), and are usually still excited to be out on their own away from their parents and thus not ready for any sort of commitment. Take this time to be free and enjoy your transition into adulthood. At least when you screw up now as a young, single  woman (and you will. Trust me, you will in some way, be it credit card debt, drunken one nights stands, or something else most young people tend to do) you can learn from it and move on without affecting anyone else. ENJOY THAT!

I know some marriages last when the couple marries young, but sadly most do not (my parents for example). Just look at divorce statistics; they're dismal for people who marry younger than 25 and worse for military couples (infidelity is also really high for those two groups. It really sucks not having your SO with you for very long periods of time).

Especially considering you haven't lived on your own I'd say you're not ready. You haven't had any actual responsibilities in your life yet. You haven't LIVED yet. You haven't had to learn how to manage your money to make ends meet when you have rent, phone, credit card, and utility bills to pay, on top of gas and groceries and a menagerie of other crap. Do that for a few years, master it, and then maybe think about marriage (money is the number one cause of divorce and it's usually because neither party is good at managing it).

Life beyond high school is so much different and it would be a shame for you to miss it. You probably have at least 60 years left on this earth. No need to rush through something meant to last til the end of that.

jekalex

Let me start by saying, I've only just turned 19 years old, and 6 months ago I felt exactly like you did. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 7 months today, actually. It wasn't that long ago that we started first talking about getting married. When he realized he didn't have the financial means to even buy me a ring, we took that as red flag number 1. Over time we realized that if he can't even afford the cheapest ring out there (which is going to cost about $150, by the way...and that's the absolute cheapest walmart-ish ring) then how on earth did we expect to pay rent on an apartment (which is minimum $500 where we live) and college tuition (which is $1650 out of pocket for him per semester and $2500 in loans for me per semester, not including the cost of books, which is approximately $400 per semester for each of us (that's $800 total for BOOKS per semester)) and buy food (which is absolute minimum of $50 a week, and that's if you live on bread, milk, and ramen) and gas (his truck is a guzzler. $35 at the tank twice a week. my car takes $35 once a week. that's $110 a week) plus car insurance, health insurance, renters insurance, dental insurance, and eye insurance (which is necessary because i wear glasses) and all the other various and asundry things we have to pay for every day. We realized that we just CAN'T pay for all this stuff. His truck keeps breaking down and that costs money to fix. I keep adding each pay check to my savings account, spending as little as possible, and STILL the money doesn't add up nearly as fast as you want it to. In order to make more money faster and still graduate on time, he got a full-time job working shipping in a factory and takes all his classes at night. He's on the verge of a promotion and he's steadily getting closer to that 2011 graduation date that we are both looking forward to. I'm still waiting on my ring, but now that he works more, it doesn't have to be the little $150 diamond sliver. He can get me a ring I will really love. It still won't be expensive. The one I pointed out to him the other day was cheaper than his books for college were. Still, we aren't planning on getting married before Summer 2011, and it may even be later than that, it'll depend on if he can graduate on time or not, because we can't get married if he's still paying tuition. There just isn't enough money.

I know some of these other ladies are a little older and to you, they sound like they don't understand. Trust me. I know. I've shed a lot of tears over this because I was so looking forward to my 2010 wedding. When I realized it would have to wait I was so crushed. We love each other so much and so want to be married, but the financial burdens of marriage are far beyond us at this point in our lives. For now, we work hard (I work 20 hours a week plus my 15 hours of classes and he works 40 or more hours plus his 12 hours of classes), we save our money, we don't spend a penny more than we absolutely have to, and we look forward to the future.

And here's something else. We're happy with where we are. Yeah, it's sad that we aren't getting married right away, but we're happy just being together. He comes to my dorm every night after work and we eat dinner and hang out until he has to go home and do homework. We see each other all day Saturday (unless we have work commitments) and all day Sunday (following church, which we attend together). And we're happy. We joke about the ring and we talk about the wedding and the future. But we don't let the fact that we have to wait ruin our lives. When I get married I'll be 20 years old, at least. It's very young, but I feel I am ready. I know you feel the same way, but trust me. A year and a half from now you won't be "almost 20". You'll be barely 19, like I am now. I'm not ready to be married right now, and neither will you. Some people make it work. My cousin did. But especially in a military marriage, I don't reccomend it. My cousin's husband is deploying a year from now. At that time they will have been married for 1 year and 6 months. I don't know how she's going to make it. There's a lot about being married that you don't understand, and that I don't understand either. But I know that it works best when you're both present. Without my future-husband's income, we'd never make it. Not in 1 year, 2 years, 10 years. Never. Without him THERE, it wouldn't be worth it to do all that extra work. Just wait a bit. I know it sounds terrible. You dont want to. You can't imagine life without him. Well, if that's true, then he'll still be there when you're a little older. High school relationships CAN last. I've seen it happen and it is happening with me. But that doesn't mean that you should rush into anything. By the time I get married I will have been with the love of my life for over 3 years. I KNOW he is the man I am going to marry. I have known that for a while now. And I know that young people CAN get married (my mom got married at age 16 for no reason other than that she loved my dad. they are still together, 23 years later, but he was older, well established in a job with benefits, and already had a home for them. her situation was different from mine and yours), but I do advise waiting. Take it from someone your own age. It hurts really really badly at first. You'll cry a lot. But in the end, you feel better about the whole situation, and you know that you'll be happier and better off and life will be so much easier.

Good luck.

P.S. I know it's SUPER scary, but talk to your mom about this. Both my mom and his have been very encouraging and have offered great advice that has really helped us out.

Button5807

If this isn't a troll she can take the queen of the beebees crown away from dreamgirl....it's like she went down a checklist while writing the OP

I am a little over two months shy of being 18,

I don't think I should be discouraged about planning my wedding.

he is going to bootcamp, Then combat tranning, and then job schooling.

We weren't planning on getting married for about a year and a half or so.

And then finally, just to cause a reaction from anyone feeling stabby:

Is there anything wrong with my thinking?

The fact that the username is inlove17 pretty much seals the deal.

OP if you're actually real you're a moron, I'd bet you 100 bucks that you'll barely remember this guys name in five years.

PaigeMcC

*starts banging head on desk*

17-year olds-should not be worrying about marriage.  17-year-olds should be worrying about school dances, homework, how their hair looks, and other 17-year-old type things.  MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE OF THESE THINGS!!  Slow down, enjoy your relationship and enjoy being a kid...because you are a KID! YOU ARE ONLY 17...YOU CANT EVEN VOTE YET!!!!!!

Wait 3 years until you're 20, then come back here and post on the board about your latest love.  Then we MIGHT take you sort of seriouslly.  Acutally, probably not.  YOU'RE 17 FOR JEBUS' SAKE!

I now have a headache...

pinkpinot

If you are 2 months shy of 18 or 17.98888 years old, you are too young to be married.

babybchbum

Thank you JEKA for putting it into perspective for her from someone that is around her age. I am only 21 years old but have lived on my own payed my own bills etc. I am paying for most of my wedding on my own with some help from my parents. Luckily I found an amazing guy who is already settled in a house and has a wonderful full time job and he understands that there are things I have to do in life (ie graduate college) before we get married.

inlove17: please take our advice. It isn't that we are trying to be mean or stabby, we are looking out for your best interest. I say go ahead and delete your TK account so you don't become overwhelmed with wanting to plan your wedding and just be supportive of your BF ( Yes Boyfriend NOT FI) while he goes into his military trainning.

noelle24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af983b88-a3c8-4360-9e0d-e453d0e81e1fPost:55da4fcf-ac1c-43c6-a40f-327ab6e48386">Not yet..</a>:
[QUOTE] Then combat tranning,
Posted by Inlove17[/QUOTE]

He's going to fight trannies? That doesn't sound very nice...

PaigeMcC

Those trannies are tough...I wouldn't want to fight them!

Acrosthec

BBB(B?) I would never in a zillion years have guessed you were so young.  You are a great example of how younger brides can still possess a maturity level that will keep us from flaming them.  Congrats!   :-)

Button5807

Ditto what Acro said good job B!

lzimm13

When I was 17 and a senior in High School my religion teacher asked us to create a wedding binder and essentially plan our weddings. I went to a Private catholic all girls school and admittadly the project was more to plan the mass; readings, prayers ect. but she also wanted pictures of rings and dresses and all the other stuff. I was IN NO WAY interested in this project. I couldn't for the life of me understand why she would ask 17 year old girls to plan thier wedding. I was 17 and I knew that marriage was a very distant future. I basically went online and picked out the first dress, set of rings, flowers and everything else that I saw. I threw it together and never thought about it again... I dont even remember if she gave it back, that is how little I cared. I can't understand why 17 year old girls are all about planning weddings

desertsun

I think that if you're 17 and your vision of your future consists of marriage and yoga, there are some serious underlying issues.

What is WRONG with people?

MidniteRae

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af983b88-a3c8-4360-9e0d-e453d0e81e1fPost:1439258c-c4de-4982-8e28-09074e26145a">Re: Not yet..</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>When I was 17 and a senior in High School my religion teacher asked us to create a wedding binder and essentially plan our weddings</strong>.
Posted by lzimm13[/QUOTE]
 Most of my friends had to do this in an Econ class. It was when they were learning about managing money and how to create budgets and such.

jeanacorina

Listen to jeka, she is MATURE FOR HER AGE.

And she's about the only person I'll ever believe if they say that.

Jeka: I'm 19 but I'm really mature for my age.

Me: Oh, wow, yeah you are! Awesome!

inlove17: I'm almost 18 but I'm really mature for my age.

Me: Yeah, whatever. No you're not. You're a normal teenager who shouldn't be thinking about marriage.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af983b88-a3c8-4360-9e0d-e453d0e81e1fPost:0ff74104-c1c5-48d9-b27e-5ee9650e533e">Re: Not yet..</a>:
[QUOTE]Listen to jeka, she is MATURE FOR HER AGE. And she's about the only person I'll ever believe if they say that. Jeka: I'm 19 but I'm really mature for my age. Me: Oh, wow, yeah you are! Awesome! inlove17: I'm almost 18 but I'm really mature for my age. Me: Yeah, whatever. No you're not. You're a normal teenager who shouldn't be thinking about marriage.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

*Looks at Jeana button in siggy* agreed!lol

jekalex

Wow. I'm flattered. Now I'm blushing.

pjr0788

Oh how I remember being so naive. Then I grew up and got smart. 

If all you see is him, marriage, and yoga, Houston we have a problem.

Do you have anything ELSE you want to do with your life? 

Don't know what major? Here's a tip, GET A JOB. Im not talking McDonalds, Barnes and Noble or any other "student" job. A real job working FULL TIME. 

For your young soul, party, TRAVEL, & Volunteer Abroad for a few weeks.

My mother married my father at 18 after dating for 3 years. He was 22 and had joined the Marines. There first year of marriage my father was stationed in Japan. Then California, and so on. They are still together 29 years later. HOWEVER, time are NOT the same. Milk is not 50 cents and gas is most certainly not under a dollar a gallon. 

ITS NOT A FAIRY TALE. Thats the "wedding" which end in approx 4 hours after ALL that planning. Its HARD WORK, its EXPENSIVE and its TRYING. 

You want to "plan" something? PLAN and throw yourself a huge 18th birthday bash and enjoy your youth. 

MattsAnnie

These ladies are making awesome points that I definitely agree with,  but I wanted to add one more thing. I have quite a few friends (guys and girls) who are in the military. When they returned home from boot camp and then for some of them when they returned home from Iraq, they were changed. Some things for better and some not so much and some that are just different not good or bad. But thats something you need to think about. Because besides the fact that you will both change some as you grow up. Chances are things about him are also going to change. Ask yourself if you are ready to handle that. Are you really mature enough to make that decision now?

Katyas90

(So, this is my first post here)
OP, I'm in a similar possition as you, except I'm a few years older than 17 and my BF and I haven't done anything more than discussed possibly getting married and looked at rings online.
My BF recently joined the Navy. He hasn't even left for bootcamp yet and I'm already stressing out. We've lived together for the past 6 months and I've gotten to the point where I just can't imagine having to live alone again.

Anyways, my advice is to wait. Seriously.
If I had married the boy I wanted to be with at 17, I'd probably be completely miserable or divorced by now. If you love each other enough, he'll still be there after bootcamp, AIT, ect. Get a taste of life with a military man before you get married, because it's way different than how you're relationship is now. Wait a year or two and then decide if you still want to get married, then go from there.

Trust me, there are hundreds of other military GF's out there who are probably doing the same exact thing, me included.


Also, I have to agree with some of the other girls who have posted. You need to have more in your life than just yoga and your BF, especially if he's about to leave.
Go to college!