Ugh: Vent

peekaboo2011

So, I mentioned in that one post that I joined OkCupid.  After hearing the success stories that are falling out, coupled with the fact that it's FREE, I decided I had nothing to lose.  So, I've been talking to a few guys who seem pretty great.  And then there's the source of my vent.

So, this guy messaged me and was like "Hey, let's chat."  Well, my typing time is very valuable, and I'm not going to talk to every single guy that messages me (because that would be weird, I had some guy ask me to be his sex slave.  I've been on this less than 24 hours.)  I checked out his profile, and I didn't like what I saw.  And what killed me was the fact that he doesn't enjoy reading.  Unless it's HP.  Which is great.  I love HP.  But I expect my friends, and my SO to read.  

So, I ignored him.  And then he messaged me again and was all "Why don't you want to talk to me?"  So, I told him.  And he went off on me for being petty and shallow.

Dude.  Seriously?  I was raised with a book in hand.  It was ALL OVER MY PAGE that I love to read.  I can't be friends with people who don't like books.  I definitely could never date someone who doesn't like books.  So, I was all "I'm just trying to be honest, I don't think it's petty - it's a part of my life."  And he was like "well, you're an idiot.  It's petty."  And so I finished off my side of the conversation with "What you consider a petty detail is the foundation on which my life is built.  You might want to remember this before you start disrespecting people's values."

WHY DO PEOPLE SUCK?!

/soapbox/vent.

SopChick

Andplusalso, how is wanting to be with someone who READS petty and shallow?! ugh, I'm so frustrated for you and with people! Hopefully this guy was just trolling because he was bored. That's so ridiculous.

Are you reading anything good right now? Once I'm finished with classes and papers in a couple of weeks, I'd like to get into a good book. Any recommendations?

Swazzle

I suspect he'll have a hard time finding someone on that website with an outlook like that.  What a loserjerk. 

kellyt89

Yeahhhh it's hit or miss with OKCupid. My roommate has been on for a couple months and has gone on 2 dates, both duds. I think it takes patience - more guys sometimes = more jerks/duds, especially in the beginning.

Good luck with everything!

IrishDreamer

What an effing TWUNT! My life is built on a foundation of loving to read. BF likes to read, but it's minimal... and that's okay, I have slowly turned him into more of a reader lol. Anyone who thinks one of your core values isn't important can go suck it.

That being said, Perhaps in someone else's eyes loving to read may not be nearly as important as it is to us, and I can respect that. It's the disregard to something that is obviously sooooo important to you that irritates me.

Peaseblossom55

I did a lot of online dating before meeting my BF.  It was annoying guys wouldn't take no for an answer or would get upset over my reasons for rejecting them.  Everyone has deal breakers and people need to know when they date online and try not to take that personally.  

I love to to read as well, however BF doesn't read at all.  Running late for work. Bye!

stevenandnychole

I used OkCupid, but I really didn't have any luck finding even decent guys on there. Strangely, all of my good dates (including the man I am with now) came from Plenty of Fish. You can also try EVow. It's a good one as well, and free!

elannis

That stinks. He's definitely a loser and yelling at you isn't a very good way to get you to talk to him, much less date him.

I definitely kept my chat off when I was on OKC. I got weirdos and perverts on the chats. I think it's a huge pet peeve of mine when you get a guy that writes you and wants you to write back, but he obviously hasn't read a single part of what you've written. I had "NO SMOKERS", in more or less words, in my first paragraph and would end up with all kinds of guys that smoked, or didn't smoke often, or were trying to quit.

But I say it's like the real world, just more condensed. If you walked down the street and talked to every single guy on it, you'd end up with a lot of losers and rejects, but eventually you'll find the right guy. At least we're women, and if you want, you can get a lot of free food out of dating, lol. 

peekaboo2011

I think his response just really pissed me off.  I mean, seriously?  You're going to say shiit like "What, so not liking reading is a dealbreaker? O.o"  Who the hell does that shiit online?

I blocked the kid.  I really don't need his issues in my life.  So, I'm trying to let it go and gear up for this weekend, and my date with Mast.  

Steven - I'd rather stay away from those two.  I looked into them, and the basis upon which they're built is just not for me.  Not that I'm excited even being on an online dating website, but there you have it.    I'm glad you found someone though!

PaigeMcC

He sounds like a catch.

Good job dodging a bullet on that one

Ollie08

And his response is precisely why he's still looking. What a douche.

I tried Plenty of FIsh before meeting FI, but all I got was the crap of the crap that didn't make it on eHarmony or Match lol Then again, finding anyone on the free sites that were ok with me having kids was a pretty slim chance anyway.

Keep looking, there are better ones out there that don't have a blatant disregard for your core values.

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:5963c754-0547-4f18-a388-5fbc8342abd0">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Andplusalso, <strong>how is wanting to be with someone who READS petty and shallow?!</strong> ugh, I'm so frustrated for you and with people! Hopefully this guy was just trolling because he was bored. That's so ridiculous. Are you reading anything good right now? Once I'm finished with classes and papers in a couple of weeks, I'd like to get into a good book. Any recommendations?
Posted by SopChick[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS!!! Don't let it get to you. That guy sounds like a tool. I have done the internet rounds, as well as several friends, and there is good and bad in meeting people this way, just like any other way. I came across my fair share of douchebags I met online. One guy even did drive by's and knocked on my door several times after I told him I wasn't interested anymore. We went on like 2 dates. It was super scary. Lesson learned, although I could have just as easily have met him in a bar or at Starbucks. </div><div>
</div><div>But BF and I met online. One of my  very best friends and her BF, who she moved in with a few months ago, met on OK Cupid. It can work. I just suspect that guys who wouldn't have the backbone to be as douchy IRL get a bit of a backbone online, so you seemingly have to wade through more junk, but it can be worth it. Good luck!</div>

dwest2201

That sucks, what a douche!  I could somewhat understand his wanting to argue that him not liking to read (besides HP) shouldn't be a deal breaker, IF he had polietely said something rather than attacked you.  If it were me he was talking to, I think that if he could have made a case for himself by saying something along the lines of I think that reading is great, I wish I liked to read more...I know a lot of people who say it's a great way to unwind, relax, etc.  However, since he did not do that and chose to attack you he deserves to be blocked...makes me wonder if he was OKCUI??  Regardless he was an ass. 

Ana_2985

While I completely agree that you should share your most important interests/values with your partner and I agree that his response was rude and unnecessary, I have to admit I'm a little surprised by the rest. Do you really mean that you would NEVER be friends with someone who doesn't like to read? That seems so limiting to me. I know a lot of really great people who don't like to read because it's not that easy for them, but they're still among my best friends and some of the kindest, most fun people to be around. My life would be much duller if I had just decided they weren't worth befriending because they don't like reading as much as I do. Obviously, that's your choice and I don't think you're wrong/bad for feeling that way, I'm just surprised that so many people DO think like that.

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:6c28bce4-51d1-4a97-9904-97cf05d4e0c8">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, if you had messaged him and been like, "I think your muscles aren't big enough, sorry," I could see his issue. But reading?! No wonder he hasn't found anyone.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

I really want to read a conversation where this is used...

becunning2

I had some similar problems on OK Cupid.  I once pointed out that I thought a guy was too old for me (14 years older) and that I wasn't really interested in that age gap, and then he starts yelling at me about what a horrible person I was.  And I'm like, dude, your social skillz suck. Good luck getting anyone.

But it's funny to me, peek, that you and I have some opposite views. I totally love reading. I love books. I have gobs of books.  I want to teach Latin literature.  I'm surrounded by books!  EVERYWHERE!

I mentioned this is my profile... and the first thing my boyfriend mentioned to me when he contacted me was wondering why we were rated so highly when I love to read and he doesn't.  In fact, he really dislikes it.  (The boy is dyslexic).  So now he teases me sometimes about how many books I have, but he's totally adorable about it. We balance it out well.  Heck, if he had gobs of books, it'd make moving REALLY difficult.  Course, he would've never called me petty and shallow if I didn't respond... ahh, the interwebs. I also had a guy message me on OKCupid saying he wanted to lick me all over.  *DELETED*

paintgirl

My bf doesn't like to read much. And I love him. I'm glad I didn't eliminate him based on one factor.

I think online dating can turn in to a checklist if you let. He must: x, y and z. And absolutely CAN NOT a, b and c.

People are a lot more complex than that.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:b7ad260a-7668-46de-9164-1b348a620dd9">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]While I completely agree that you should share your most important interests/values with your partner and I agree that his response was rude and unnecessary, I have to admit I'm a little surprised by the rest. <strong>Do you really mean that you would NEVER be friends with someone who doesn't like to read? That seems so limiting to me.</strong> I know a lot of really great people who don't like to read because it's not that easy for them, but they're still among my best friends and some of the kindest, most fun people to be around. My life would be much duller if I had just decided they weren't worth befriending because they don't like reading as much as I do. Obviously, that's your choice and I don't think you're wrong/bad for feeling that way, I'm just surprised that so many people DO think like that.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

I am also curious about this. 

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:b7ad260a-7668-46de-9164-1b348a620dd9">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]While I completely agree that you should share your most important interests/values with your partner and I agree that his response was rude and unnecessary, I have to admit I'm a little surprised by the rest. Do you really mean that you would NEVER be friends with someone who doesn't like to read? That seems so limiting to me. I know a lot of really great people who don't like to read because it's not that easy for them, but they're still among my best friends and some of the kindest, most fun people to be around. My life would be much duller if I had just decided they weren't worth befriending because they don't like reading as much as I do. Obviously, that's your choice and I don't think you're wrong/bad for feeling that way, I'm just surprised that so many people DO think like that.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think it's something that in the normal course of finding friends would ever come up.  However, at the same time, when I look at who my friends are and what they love to do, reading is consistently among their favorite things.  Whether that's also due in part to personality or education, I don't know.  When it comes to doing this online thing though, I know that I couldn't be with someone who didn't love books as much as I do.  I plan on having a huge library by the time I die.  Someone who doesn't share at least part of that value doesn't really have a place in my life.  It doesn't have to be your absolute favorite thing to do, but I expect my friends to be well read.  And that comes with enjoying reading.  </div><div>
</div><div>Example:  I was at Mast's house one night with him and his two roommates.  We all got trashed, and in our drunken ridiculousness, I happened to pick up a copy of "Wired" that was in the bathroom.  I spent an hour and a half discussing ethics with the three of them.  Well, Mast vanished because he was too drunk to handle it, but the other two and I argued about the ethics of science, and all three of us were able to cite papers and evidence as to why we believed what we do.  I appreciate that out of my friends.  I want to be able to do things like that with friends and my SO.  It's enjoyable.  </div><div>
</div>

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:8513f944-abfe-4ed0-8e96-06cd152c8a06">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh: Vent : I don't think it's something that in the normal course of finding friends would ever come up.  ...  It doesn't have to be your absolute favorite thing to do, but <strong>I expect my friends to be well read</strong>.  And that comes with enjoying reading.  Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

If it wouldn't come up in the "normal" course of finding friends, how is it important enough to keep you from being friends with someone?

As for the bolded part, I don't know you but all I thought when I read this was - SNOB.

There are some very kind, caring, funny, interesting people in the world who are not particularly well-read or well-educated. You are selling life short if you actively avoid these people.

paintgirl

And by the way, when you use an adverb/adjective (i.e. well as an adverb; read as an adjective) it should be hyphenated: "well-read". (The exception is if the adverb ends in -ly.)

But you know that. Because you're well-read.

PaigeMcC

I think limiting your friendship base on the basis of their "well-read"ness is kind of silly.  Just because someone doesn't like to read does not mean they cannot contirbute to an intellegent conversation.

I can understand if you love to read, I love to read but have little time for personal reading lately, but it just seems to limiting...there are so many amazing people out there to have these amazing conversations with.  Why excluse them because you don't share one, of many, interests?

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:00554081-0a76-4a79-b9b3-a9b0bc0dc6be">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh: Vent : If it wouldn't come up in the "normal" course of finding friends, how is it important enough to keep you from being friends with someone? <strong>As for the bolded part, I don't know you but all I thought when I read this was - SNOB</strong>. There are some very kind, caring, funny, interesting people in the world who are not particularly well-read or well-educated. You are selling life short if you actively avoid these people.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>When it's something that's always happened naturally, I don't think so.</div>

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:ced1853c-7f89-42b9-858e-90116f504238">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh: Vent : When it's something that's always happened naturally, I don't think so.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

That's ridiculous. You are no longer allowing it to occur "naturally". You are purposely selecting people who fit your pre-conceived mold of a friend.

Good luck. You will likely miss out on a lot of cool people who don't happen to have an active library card or Kindle.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:8128659a-6f31-46d7-bfb8-ed2d0e59198e">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh: Vent : That's ridiculous. You are no longer allowing it to occur "naturally". You are purposely selecting people who fit your pre-conceived mold of a friend. Good luck. You will likely miss out on a lot of cool people who don't happen to have an active library card or Kindle.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>I told one person on the internet that I wasn't going to date him because he doesn't like to read.  I don't think that makes me a bad person.  Again, my values are different than yours.  In a LOT of ways.  That being said, I have a wonderful group of friends, and what works for me doesn't work for everyone.</div>

Ana_2985

I don't think you're a bad person. I just think the attitude towards people who don't like to read is a little condescending. It also seems very closed-minded to not befriend people who aren't well-read. People who don't read the same things as you or share the same values are more likely to offer an new and interesting perspective than people who are just like you.

TheMutleys

Peek, take a step back and read what you wrote from an outsider's perspective. 

Was the guy a dickwad?  Definitely.

However, I will say that crossing off people because they don't fit into your mold is very limiting.  Life has its own way of working out.  Sometimes your match isn't exactly what you thought, and your life is better for it. 

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:8128659a-6f31-46d7-bfb8-ed2d0e59198e">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh: Vent : That's ridiculous. <strong>You are no longer allowing it to occur "naturally". You are purposely selecting people who fit your pre-conceived mold of a friend.</strong> Good luck. You will likely miss out on a lot of cool people who don't happen to have an active library card or Kindle.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>But the interaction that occurred on OKCupid was not just for the purpose of finding friendship, right?  Aren't you allowed to be a little more selective and proactive about ruling out potential dates than you would be about potential friends?</div>

peekaboo2011

Ana - to be fair, this is one small part.  I think I have a very diverse group of friends from different backgrounds, who have a lot of similar qualities, one of which is that they all could not imagine a life without books.  And I am trying to keep an open mind.  

Mutley - There is a guy I've been talking to over the past few days who is nothing like anyone I've ever been friends with or dated.  He's sweet, he's hysterically funny, and I'm seriously considering grabbing coffee with him when I go down to FL (he's in Tallahassee, and I'll be leaving from MS).  I am trying so hard to keep an open mind.  And part of it maybe is that I can't even believe that I did this.  I didn't think that I was the type of girl to go on these websites.  I thought I could find someone.  And maybe I'm just impatient, but I've been on 4 absolutely god-awful dates in the past two weeks.  Just horrible.  And I blame that on location, but I also wasn't meeting anyone at home.  I just want to not feel like this right now.  I want to not feel like my ex was the only one who would ever take me.  And after this crap the past few weeks, it feels like it.  I'm just...frustrated.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:ce839bcb-9b1f-4022-9779-6a9e56ef9749">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Ana - to be fair, this is one small part.  I think I have a very diverse group of friends from different backgrounds, who have a lot of similar qualities, one of which is that they all could not imagine a life without books.  And I am trying to keep an open mind.   Mutley - There is a guy I've been talking to over the past few days who is nothing like anyone I've ever been friends with or dated.  He's sweet, he's hysterically funny, and I'm seriously considering grabbing coffee with him when I go down to FL (he's in Tallahassee, and I'll be leaving from MS).  I am trying so hard to keep an open mind.  <strong>And part of it maybe is that I can't even believe that I did this.  I didn't think that I was the type of girl to go on these websites.  I thought I could find someone.  And maybe I'm just impatient, but I've been on 4 absolutely god-awful dates in the past two weeks.  Just horrible.  And I blame that on location, but I also wasn't meeting anyone at home.  I just want to not feel like this right now.  I want to not feel like my ex was the only one who would ever take me.  And after this crap the past few weeks, it feels like it.  I'm just...frustrated.</strong>
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

peek - it sounds like you're trying too hard to force something to happen.  and sometimes you just have to learn to wait and to be content with your life as it is...  and maybe that means you'll be without a BF for a while.  forcing something to happen will only make you more miserable than you already are.  just learn to BE. you don't need a man in your life to make you complete, to make you happy...  only you can make you happy.  and it sounds like you don't know how to do that.  until you can be happy with yourself and your life as it IS, then adding a guy will only make it more complicated and messy.

maybe you need to take a break from dating until your life is a little more stable...  even though you don't admit it, it sounds like you're just trying to fill the hole your ex left with someone new.  and that will only make you unhappy.

you have to learn to love yourself just the way you are, without a BF. 

try taking yourself on a date.  you say you've had 4 bad dates in 2 weeks?  take yourself on a good one. 

I'm sorry you're going through all this frustration.  I've been there, and I know how empty and worthless you can feel because you're not "wanted".  but the timing has to be right, and YOU have to be right for love to happen.  you can't force it.  you can only learn to be content and appreciative of your life as it is.  and when love happens, in its own time (not your time!), you'll know. 

you're going to be alright.  your life is transitioning and full of growing pains.  it sucks!  but you'll make it to the next phase and things will even out... they always do.

I hope I haven't offended you.  I apologize if I did, but I meant everything I said out of concern and care for you.  :)

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:b3f018c8-23ed-47b9-9cdd-64460aeecbc0Post:ce839bcb-9b1f-4022-9779-6a9e56ef9749">Re: Ugh: Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Ana - to be fair, this is one small part.  I think I have a very diverse group of friends from different backgrounds, who have a lot of similar qualities, one of which is that they all could not imagine a life without books.  And I am trying to keep an open mind.   Mutley - There is a guy I've been talking to over the past few days who is nothing like anyone I've ever been friends with or dated.  He's sweet, he's hysterically funny, and I'm seriously considering grabbing coffee with him when I go down to FL (he's in Tallahassee, and I'll be leaving from MS).  I am trying so hard to keep an open mind.  And part of it maybe is that I can't even believe that I did this.  I didn't think that I was the type of girl to go on these websites.  I thought I could find someone.  And maybe I'm just impatient, but I've been on 4 absolutely god-awful dates in the past two weeks.  Just horrible.  And I blame that on location, but I also wasn't meeting anyone at home.  <strong>I just want to not feel like this right now.  I want to not feel like my ex was the only one who would ever take me.  And after this crap the past few weeks, it feels like it.  I'm just...frustrated</strong>.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Sweetie.....you are amazing and smart and funny and crafty and pretty and adorable. There would be MANY men that would "take you", given the opportunity.

Not ONE of them will make you feel in your own heart and mind and soul like you are worth taking - that has to come from YOU.

Your breakup was VERY recent, in the broad scheme of things. You have by no means worked through all of that fallout. Part of working through it is having things to distract you sometimes - going on dates can be a good diversion. But I think you would do yourself a disservice if you went out there gung-ho, looking for Mr. Right at this very moment. He's out there - he WILL find you. It doesn't have to be right now. Right now, you need to work on you. A few failed dates does not make you a dating pariah or romantically challenged.

I know it is frustrating to feel this way, but you won't find what you are looking for right now in another guy - whether he loves to read or not. Once you get settled in you (which, seeing how strong and independent you are, should be relatively easy for you), he'll come along when the time is right. It's a cliche because it's true. **hugs**