Inherited Ring Question

SavvyMac

Hi all,

About 5 years ago I inherited my grandmother's engagement ring. At the time, my dad told me I should keep the ring in it's setting instead of using the diamond for a pendant like my mom had suggested. I don't think he was comfortable at the time with the idea of dismantling something that had been his mothers, as he was very close with her.

Now, my boyfriend and I are talking about getting engaged. I've always
loved the idea of an heirloom ring, wearing something so important to my family's history. Plus, it saves my boyfriend money! Seems like a win all around. I get my dream setting, an heirloom ring, and saved money.

The only problem is, I don't know if I can offer the diamond without first getting my father's permission. The ring was left to me, and I will save the old setting in case I ever regret what I've done. So, what do you think?ask permission? And

SavvyMac

Sorry, it wouldn't let me edit my post so I'll continue here. If I should get permission, how should I ask? I don't want to ruin the fact my boyfriend plans to ask for permission from my dad. I want to respect my dad's relationship with his mother, but I also would love to carry my grandmother's heirloom with me in a less old fashioned setting. Suggestions?

thejucheidea

My grandmother gave us her wedding/engagement ring for my engagement ring, and Tyler has kept it for the last year. It was offered to me, I consulted Tyler asking if he wanted to use it, he said yes and we took it. If your grandmother gave it to you, then it's yours. You shouldn't have to ask your father permission to use something that's yours. We certainly didn't ask my Daddy if he was okay with us using his mom's ring.

PearlyPanda

Did your grandmother give you her ring? Or did your father give you the ring?

Either way, I say it's yours to do with as you please. I don't think you need your father's opinion. I'm sure by this point he trusts your judgement.

Peaseblossom55

I think if he gave it to you, it is yours to do as you please.  If you really are concerned about how he feels on changing the ring I would casually bring it up.  The down fall to bringing it up is that he may he wants the ring to stay in tact and you can a. either ignore his request or b. have to deal with the ring as is. 

LilTexasGal

I agree with Liv here. Yes, the ring is yours, but since your father has expressed his desire for the ring to stay intact, I think I would talk to him about it, especially since it seems he has some sort of sentimental attachment to it. However, like Danser said, you run the risk of him saying no.

Explain it to your dad like you explained it here. Let him know that you really like the idea of wearing an heirloom stone, but that you found a setting you would like to use one day when it is time. It is common for couples to look at rings, so I don't think it would diminish your boyfriend's plans.

A third option, is to talk to your mother about it, and have her talk to your dad and see how he would feel, then, if it seems he is open to the idea, your boyfriend could ask him when asking for your hand in marriage (if you want him to do that, if not, he could just ask outright - I am in no means trying to push this idea!).

Wrkn925

I think you should put the ring in a safe place. Tell bf when he is ready to ask, it's there. Tell him when he's ready to talk to your father, he should ask your father's permission to use the ring also.

So, Dad gets asked on both parts, you get to use the ring, and you might still be surprised when he proposes. bam. perfect. What do I win?

Wrkn925

Oh, and if you plan on continuing to post, I suggest you make a new account with a username instead of your e-mail. There's crazy in the bushes.

LoveBug82510

I know I'm late in responding - TK has been acting up and my posts don't seem to be posting.  I personally don't have experience in this but my brother has.  He was given my late grandmother's engagment ring shortly after she had passed.  There is a history with that Ring.  My Grandpa Joe gave it to her just before he went off to WWII. My Grandmother felt that my brother, Joe, would give it to the woman he marries.  My brother did just that.  He proposed with my Grandmother's ring and a few days later, they both went and had it reset with 2 of the diamonds from her 3 stone diamond ring that my brother had given to her a few years prior (I believe it was a promise ring that they used the diamonds from??).  The ring is beautiful and they carried over the "shoulders" from the original setting into the new setting.  When ever I see the ring it makes me happy, not only knowing that I have a sister-in-law, but that my Grandmother and Grandpa still live on.

SavvyMac

Thank you all so much for your responses!  Sorry for my delay in responding to my own post, but I had to go out of town for a wedding and I have just been too busy celebrating or traveling to check in. 

The advice here has been great.  It helped my boyfriend and I figure out what we think is the best option.  For anyone interested, here is where everything stands!

We left the ring with a woman at Mayors before we left town.  Mayors was having a weekend event where a designer would be coming to town and designing jewelry.  Well, I've LOVED the Amorique split shank ring from there for years now so we asked if they could take my grandmother's stones and design a similar ring.  (Spoiler: They sent me a sketch over the weekend, and YES they can and it's GORGEOUS!).  While all that was happening, I talked to my mom and, using another ring my grandmother left me as the example, asked if she thought dad would be upset if I reset the other (a ruby) ring to suit my tastes.  My mom is a smart cookie, I got the feeling she knew I was really asking about the engagement ring but didn't let on.  Anyway, she said it's my ring to do with as I please.  Not my dads.  

Now, maybe it's the cowards way out but her comment plus some of the ones on here gave me the push I needed to just set my dad's comment aside.  I love my dad, and I don't want to hurt him but isn't it worse if the ring is stuck in a box forever?  Unusued because I hate the setting?  He may not like the re-setting but I don't think he'll be mad.  Honestly.   

So, the plan is this.  We are going to pick the ring up this weekend (the original, not in a new setting) and I'll just hand over the ring to the boyfriend.  At that point, he's in charge.  He can use the ring when he's ready, and have mine created without my knowledge.  That way, it's a surprise when he proposes.  Then he'll ask my dad, propose to me...yadda yadda yadda.  And I'll show my dad my ring and gush about how we used his mom's stone so I could carry her with me.  I'll just really lay it on thick about how it's in her honor but in the ring I fell in love with so it's best of both worlds, because it meant so much to me to have her stone be incorporated.  Though, part of me is tempted to just stay silent on that and see if he asks.  :P lol

Hopefully he won't say anything like "why didn't [the boyfriend] say anything when he proposed!"   I won't like, I am nervous about the whole "yes, I knew I was getting engaged way before you and we designed a ring BEFORE he asked permission" thing but let's face it.  It's the only way for this to go down and not be awkward when the bf doesn't propose right after asking for permission.  I mean, unless he told my dad that he was going to ask down the road but wanted permission before we went ring shopping?  Who knows.

Anyway, that's where things stand.  Long story, sorry.  Thank you all for the advice.  If you have any more input please let me know!  Just because we have a plan doesn't mean anything is set in stone. Nothing is set till the stone is. haha.