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Needing advice...

Hi there,

Hope you don't mind..this is my first time posting in here... I was wondering if I could get some advice or words of encouragement because I'm not really sure who else to turn too...

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years and living together for 1. Our relationship is great, we are best friends, we love each other, haven't had any major arguments, never broken up, etc. Anyway, in the early stages of our relationship we've both expressed that we think marriage is pointless, and wedding ceremonies are embarassing, and things like that...But, lately I've been feeling like I really do want to get married to him someday. It's been bothering me a lot lately because so many people around us are getting married, and iIt's not that I care so much about the actually wedding, I just want him to propose to me and let me know that he is truly serious about our relationship and wants to take it to the next level.  He doesn't know that I've kind of changed my mind about marriage so I'm sure he has no idea how I really feel.  I do kind of mention here and there things like "If I ever had a wedding..." or "If we were married  you could get my medical benefits through work..." But we ourselves have never talked about getting married to each other.

I can't say he is a very thoughtful person. He's never bought me flowers or jewelry, and rarely surprises me with things, so I highly doubt something like proposing is even in his mind. Another thing that kind of bothers me is that we was engaged to his ex, but it ended up not working out.

I feel like I've been leading him to believe that I don't care about marriage, so he shouldn't have to either. And I am nervous to bring up the topic with him.  I am not sure how he would react--I think he might tell me what I want to hear, but not actually follow through with it. Like maybe he'd say "I do want to marry you," but never prose.

Anyway, I know I am thinking WAY to hard about this, but thanks for hearing me out. :)

Re: Needing advice...

  • My fiance felt that way when we first started dating.  At the time though I treated our relationship as a fling but never talked about marriage with him.  He knew that i believed in marriage though.  I have to say in my case our relationship changed his mind.  So I think at this point if this is how you feel you need to sit down and tell him in a calm manner.  You have a right to change your mind and he has a right to know about it.  You never know he may feel that marriage is something he wants to.  Just never mentioned it, or after you tell him he could consider it.  Either way if you want to get married to him and he doesn't then it is time to think about your relationship and where you want to go with it.  Good luck!
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You need to communicate with him.  People in healthy relationships communicate. It sounds like you have some insecurities about your relationship that need to be worked out. If you feel like you can't have an honest conversation with him without him just telling you what you want to hear then your relationship has problems you are ignoring.

    Proposing probably isn't on his mind because you told him you didn't want a wedding, that marriage wasn't important to you. Don't make it about him not being thoughtful enough. That is not fair. He can't read minds, if you changed your mind about marriage you need to tell him.

    Also, marriage isn't about feeling more secure in your relationship. It won't fix insecurities you have about it.

  • I think you know what the answer is, you just needed validation.

    Ditto advice given by PP.
  • edited February 2012
    Thank you very much for all the responses. I really appreciate it...

    I have no intention of leaving him if he doesn't want to get married, he is the only person I want to marry.  I do honestly believe that I am insecure, not necessarily in our relationship, but just with myself. All my life I've had issues with getting close and being open with people. I just think that if he proposed to me I would be SO happy and it would boost my self confidence.  But, I know that's not the way to go about it, and I need to snap out of it.

    Also, since I did change my mind about getting married, I think it would put a lot of pressure on him.  Of course, I am not concerned with getting married right away, but maybe if the idea was out there, he could be more open to it.

    And Yaga13, your comment about "How would you feel if he said "Okay, we'll get married and have kids within the next 10 years" and 10 years from now you were neither married nor a mother?"... for some reason, I do feel that something like that would end up happening.  Like if he agreed we could get married someday, he'd put it off for forever, like hes too nervous to propose or something.  I guess if that became the case, then I would eventually leave him.... edit: or accept the fact that we'll never get married.

    Thanks again everyone.
  • I'd like to tell you a little personal story.

    When I met and started dating FI, he said he never wanted to get married. I was cool with it at the time because, like Moto, I was just in the relationship to have fun. I wasn't looking for anything serious. As time went on, we obviously became serious, but he maintained he didn't want to get married. Although I did/do want to get married, I made up my mind that I'd stay with him regardless. I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be married, plain and simple. (That was my decision, and it's not for everyone. If you decide that, you really have to evaluate whether you'll be OK with it for the rest of your life.)

    From time to time, I'd still tell him how I felt. I didn't nag, but I felt having conversations about it was important. He didn't agree, and often brushed me off. I'm not happy that this happened, and it is probably an example of the worst communication we've ever had (generally, that's something we're good at). 

    I guess somewhere along the line, he had a change of heart, just like you. I kind of sensed it had happened about a year and a half ago, but he never openly said anything. And then he proposed in November. And now we're getting married next July. 

    The point is: People change their minds. It's OK. You never know, your BF may have had a change of heart too (but don't bank on that). You need to talk to him, openly, about how you feel, and then if he's not on the same page, you have a major decision to make. Just be aware that getting engaged and married isn't likely to make you feel more secure, and if that's what you're hoping for, I think you need to do some serious thinking and probably soul searching.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Life is good today.
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