Life is really short. I know we all know this, but it really has hit me over the last couple days. It's been a really rough past weekend.
My grandma (who is more like my mom than my actual mom) had a heart attack on Friday afternoon - she is doing better today, thank God. She is home and my aunt is going down to TN today to help her and my grandpa out
BF's uncle passed away yesterday morning from a burst blood vessel in his brain that occured Sunday morning. It was a freak thing - they said his blood pressure spiked massively, causing the rupture. It's insane. It hasn't really registered yet, and we are all traveling tomorrow/Thursday for the funeral in Indiana on Friday. His wife's birthday is today. I don't even know how she is managing to get through the day right now. She is surrounded by family, so that helps.
It just really has made me think.
I'm not trying to be depressing, but I need to get some of this stuff out - so I'm posting my favorite written piece. My mom wrote it, and I know i've shared it before, but it makes me smile - so I'm posting again.
Plus the lyrics to a song that I simply adore.
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I want to tell you about someone that you may not have ever met, my best friend, Susan. That is what I always called her, my best friend, Susan, even to my husband and kids. They would ask, "Who is on the phone?", and I'd say, "My best friend, Susan". That is who she is.
On Monday, I received word from one of her sisters that my best friend, Susan had died. She slipped away, they said. No struggle, they said.
I can't tell you how many times over the last two days I have actually physically picked up the phone to call her and tell her how much pain I am in...you see, whenever I felt this bad, she was the one I'd call. I feel like my breath has been sucked away. My face hurts from screaming...I just make noises and groan like an animal sometimes. My stomach hurts so badly from rocking back and forth, it is the worst ab workout I have ever had.
My best friend, Susan was beautiful, tall and elegant and raunchy and real. God, I loved her. She was so out there, so bold and brave and raw and gritty. She allowed me to be that way too. Because of who I am and what I do, lots of people feel that they 'know me', but very few really do. She, knew everything. I know that a lot of times we say that about people, "Oh, he knows everything there is to know", but often that really isn't true. In this case it is. In our relationship, there was nothing held back. Like the Velveteen Rabbit in that story we read as children, her love and acceptance made me real.
She knew EVERYTHING. She looked into me...saw my deepest fears, my greatest weaknesses, my hurts, embarrassments, my failings, my shames, my celebrations. She saw me naked! UGH! She even knew how my brain operates...how to push and prod me to find my own answers.
You know those thoughts that sometimes pass through your mind...the ones that make you doubt or hate yourself, the ones that make you ashamed? They are the ones you would never dare say out loud because it would make you look bad, or small, or show the world how stupid and neurotic you really are?
I could tell her those things.
Hell...I did tell her those things.
And, you know what? Never, Never, Never once, did she so much as flinch or judge me or make me feel anything less than completely, totally and perfectly loved. Opening up that way to someone is scary, and makes you vulnerable and naked. So often, you can't do that even with family, because boy will they bring it up later! Geez.
With her, I was never afraid. She made my 'realness' safe. She was my sanctuary. She thought I was something special. She treated me that way. I am 38 years old, and have never experienced that depth of complete acceptance and unconditional love in any other relationship. I have never been so loved. I loved her HARD.
I was very fortunate that I had the opportunity to tell her over and over again how much she meant to me...how much I loved her, what her friendship allowed me to do. Where our friendship is concerned, I have no regrets, not one. For whatever flaws she had as a human, I never saw them. Maybe she was not perfect, but I know this without a doubt, she was a perfect friend.
My littlest girl, Darian, watches a cartoon called Sponge Bob. It is ridiculous and stupid, but anyway...Sponge Bob has a best friend, Patrick the Starfish. In one episode, Sponge Bob breaks his prized spatula and goes screaming around the town. He screams at all of these other characters, and then he goes up onto a mountain and just screams and screams. Then, Patrick comes running up the mountain, looks at Sponge Bob, and starts screaming with him. Susan was my Patrick Starfish.
If I had a bad day and said, "I Hate That!" She'd say, "I know, baby, I hate that too dammit!" And we would laugh and laugh. She had this amazing laugh. MY husband said she had a voice made for the phone sex lines <grin />.
I loved to look at the phone and see it was her calling. I never felt obligated to do anything or be anything in our relationship. I just wanted to. She made me want to call, want to open up, want to be there, want to be present. There was never a time when I said, "I should call Susan", I just wanted to.
Maybe you knew her, maybe there is someone in your life like her. You are a lucky one. Tell your friends what they mean to you now. Take every opportunity to generate real , true friends, friends who will allow, no FORCE, you to be real and authentic. Friends who will shake you to your core and rock your soul. Draw them in to your circle and hold them close.
There will always be people who claim to be your friends, or family, who will try to shut your mouth. People who will try to silence your voice, dreams, your wishes, your soul. People who try to pull your strings and manipulate you to get what THEY want from you. RUN. RUN HARD and RUN FAST away from them. Those who will not accept or love you for who you really are, need to be out of your life.
Life is too short to tolerate that behavior from anyone, no matter who they are. Love yourself and let them go.
This is important so you can do the hard work of becoming real...turning a faded and worn and much loved stuffed rabbit into something real.
I don't know what I will do tomorrow or the next day. It is unimaginable right now that I will have to live without her love and support. I don't remember how to do that. There is something powerful about knowing that someone will ALWAYS have your back.
I pray that you all will have this kind of love. May you be loved and nurtured and lifted up.
</grin />
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Verse 1:
I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.
Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Verse 2:
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that ain't nothin' but a lie.
Chorus:
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Verse 3:
Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
All I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.
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So, enjoy every day, no matter how frustrating, or annoying. Never go to bed angry. Take every opportunity to show and tell the people you love, how much they mean to you.
So, to all my lovely NEY ladies - I love you all. Some of you may irk me at times, I may disagree with things you say/do - but I adore you all and am thankful for you.
Hopefully my long spiel hasn't bothered you too much, but ... I'm very contemplative and sad today - and this surprisingly enough has made me feel much better.
