Not Engaged Yet

I dont even know what to do

The BF had made plans to go paint balling for his friend's birthday last Friday. Well BF got sick Thursday, sick enough that he left work four hours early on friday. Well he still planned to go out. I was out with our dog to get claws clipped and ears cleaned when BF called and said he was heading out. That really wasn’t a good time for me to talk to him since I was juggling the squirming dog and stressed since my bank card magnet was damaged.  When I got home I went to sign into facebook  to find him still logged in. Well I thought it would be funny to make a facebook update for him. The post included how he should be sick in bed but instead choose to go out.

 

Now I have had time to think about how stupid I was to post such a passive aggressive statement and have since apologized to him for it. But that is not the problem; the problem is that his friends now think I was doing this to try to get him fired from his job. Little did I know he is also facebook friends with the biggest gossip at his work and had that person seen it he could have gotten into trouble.   (no lie he and I have talked about how sorry I really am) He made it very clear that some of his friends now hate me, but will not tell me who. I think it is just the one person but he will not confirm or deny.  

 

I chose not to go to the birthday party for his friend the next day since this was still very fresh.  Today is the birthday of another friend and they threw together a last min dinner.  I don’t feel like anything has been resolved with his friends and I do not want to go places I am not welcome (blame the social anxiety) I asked him if he wanted me to go, He said he didn’t care.  This all just sucks.  I have no idea if I should just pretend that it did not happen. Also do I owe them an apology ?

Re: I dont even know what to do

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You absolutely do not owe them an apology. I think it's absolutely ridiculous some or even one of his friends would hate you over this. Everyone makes mistakes and you apologized to your BF and I assumed he has forgiven you so what reason do they have to be angry at you? IMHO there is nothing to resolve with them and you should just go to the party and act like nothing happened. If anyone confronts you about just tell them you and BF worked it out and then change the subject.




  • edited December 2011
    Personally, I don't think you owe his friends an apology. This is between you and BF and not his buddies.

    Did he go into work and did anyone say anything about it today or yesterday? If no, than I would chalk it up to a lesson learned and be glad that nothing bad happened. Give it a few days or a week to settle. We all make silly mistakes at some point.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this :(
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's none of their business, and that's very immature of them to "hate" you for. It's between you and your BF and you already said that you apologized.

    You don't owe them an apology. How does your BF feel about this situation with them?
  • Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Frankly, it's his fault for mixing work with his social life (aka facebook.)

    But I think you've done enough apologizing and you genuinely DO feel sorry for what you've done.  It may take some time to smoothe it over with his friends, but they're silly for not liking you over a facebook status.  And I mean...who's to say that one of THEM didn't change the status? (just playing devil's advocate, but unless you SIGNED the status...they can't say you wrote it, hence why they would be mad thinking that the gossip would think your BF wrote it.)

    Hopefully the gossip is smart enough not to make enemies at work.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Boys are stupid.  You've done what you needed to do.  You apologized to your BF.  That's the only person it REALLY matters to.  If things are okay with him, then his friends need to get over it.  *hugs* It'll blow over with his friends soon.  And in a few months, they'll probably even joke about it.

    ETA:  If things get bad and you're out with them, you could channel Mutley...
    I french with my man
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  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Don't beat yourself up too much, Molly! Okay, so you shouldn't have posted on his FB, but seriously, how were you supposed to know it would have the potential to get him in trouble at work? No one I know is Facebook friends with bosses or gossipy co-workers. That's just not a good idea. And I've seen plenty of couples jokingly update one another's status.

    Seriously. Facebook is for nonsense! And if you're going to use it professionally, you leave the nonsense out and/or make sure you have settings that make sure no one sees anything they shouldn't. For example, I have a list for my parents, grandparents, older aunts and uncles, etc. That list can't see my status updates or any photos tagged by anyone else. That way, if I do, oh, I don't know, say something about a penis or someone posts a pic of me from my birthday where I look like I may or may not have had a drink or two, no one (octogenarian or other) needs to be the wiser.

    Ahem. Sorry. That's my Facebook rant for the week.

    Just take some deep breaths. This will blow over. When things have calmed down a bit more, I would talk to your BF again and tell him you would like to make things right with anyone you may have offended or whose feelings you may have hurt, and ask who was upset. He may say there's not much you can do, in which case time and patience will be your friends--you'll just have to redeem yourself by being the awesome girlfriend and friend you are, and eventually, I'm sure all will be forgotten and forgiven.

    Also, I think it's a little weird that he's saying friends--plural--*hate* you now. That's pretty strong. What's up with that? I'd talk to your BF about that, too, when things calm down. I'd like to see him defend you a bit, not have his friends acting like they hate you and instead of defending you, telling you they "hate you now." Lamesauce, BF.

    It'll be okay, I promise. Just don't post on other people's Facebook accounts anymore. Wink
  • edited December 2011
    I agree, it has nothing to do with your BF's friends. If he forgave you then they should get over it. All they are going to do is upset their friend. 

    I ditto the Mutley channel. 

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  • edited December 2011
    Mutley wouldn't find herself in this predicament, but that is neither here nor there.


    How do you feel about your boyfriend not caring about how YOU feel in this mess?  Honestly, this is not the 1st red flag that he has given and I doubt it will be the last. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I think it was pretty childish of you to post on his FB. It's good that you apologized, but honestly, think about what emotions or issues made you do that- are you frustrated about more than just this one thing? Are there recurring behaviors or problems that you guys aren't dealing with? That was a really passive-aggressive thing to do, and it makes me think you're unhappy about more than just this one day.

    Also, he told you his friends hate you because of this? That's ridiculous and hurtful and insensitive on HIS part. He should stand up for you and tell his friends you guys have worked it out between yourselves. It's stupid that his friends would "hate" you or even be angry about it. I can understand them thinking a little less of you for a while- but you should expect that. People judge. But eventually they should let it go and get over it.

    I think it's cruel of your BF to make you feel even worse by saying how his friends "hate" you now. There's no reason for him to tell you that.

    You don't owe his friends an apology- but you do need to figure out what the heck is going on between the two of you that you'd do and say such hurtful and immature things to each other.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    (Threadjack, but only for a second)

    Mutley, you would be in Northern California.  My entire family is from Northern California, and your, er, assertive nature reminds me of the rest of them.  Something about NorCal=feisty.

    Not that the rest of the world doesn't have feisty.  Just that most of my experience with feisty comes from there.

    /threadjack.
    I french with my man
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  • edited December 2011
    I know it's a cliche around these parts, but I 100% agree with what Jeana said.

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  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Molly,

    You've told us several things that lead me to believe that your BF, is well, kind of an asss. 

    I agree that it is silly for you to go on his FB and post something. However, you should not be punished continually for doing so. It's awful that he won't stand up to his friends for you, it's not like you kicked a puppy or something. 

    I think you are a pretty girl, and I think you should seriously reevaluate your relationship. You deserve someone who is kind and has your best interests first. 
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-even?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c0a3ba57-0c63-4e5d-8b09-83a1644b2455Post:2c6dd85e-7539-4c83-98dd-90729c0ddc2c">Re: I dont even know what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know it's a cliche around these parts, but I 100% agree with what Jeana said.
    Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

    What Musik said <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" />

    No, but really - I rarely piggy back on someone else's comment, but I think Jeana summed up very nicely every major point I'd make.

    You did something dumb, passive-aggressive, and immature.  He's being a major jerk. I think your relationship at the LEAST needs some serious work on communication trust, and how to treat each other better.  Your significant other should be the person who has your back, not the person making you feel bad.  You need to fix the relationship or reevaluate your priorities.  And the more you talk about him, the more I think you deserve wayyyy better. 

    image

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  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, meamolly, I think you deserve better, too. He sounds like a selfish jerk who doesn't think of you or your feelings. And I don't mean just from this one post. I mean from every time you talk about him. You deserve to know what it feels like to have someone who loves you and makes YOU a priority.
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  • edited December 2011

    Don't hide from his friends. If they have to nerve to say anything to you about it, your BF should be the one to tell them, "This is between myself and my girlfriend. It's been resolved already, so your comments aren't necessary."

    From what I can tell, these friends of his are probably single.




    "I don't know guys, that's a really nice thing to have in your house. I have one similar saying written on the walls all over my quiet, neat, non-childproofed home. I have it in my brand new car as a decal on the window. I even wear it on a t-shirt for when I go out to dinner or hang out at a trendy bar or go on a relaxing vacation. "All because I use birth control." It still brings a tear to my eye..." SnarkyMcSnarkerson
  • edited December 2011
    Sorry if it's weird that I'm commenting on this, but a lot of things here strike me as odd.

    Why would he "make it very clear" that some of his friends hate you, but refuse to tell you who? If you had resolved the issue, why is he telling you that these friends hate you? Why isn't he standing up for you? Why doesn't he care if you don't go to the dinner? What justification do his friends have for "hating" you? That's a pretty strong reaction.

    I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but honestly, I think most of the jerk moves are coming from your boyfriend, not you. 
    image
  • edited December 2011
    I kind of agree with PPs, especially Mutley, Cate, and Jeana.  Your BF has given several red flags in the past, and this is no exception.  He was being an insensitive jerk.  Just because you make a mistake, for which you apologize, does not give him or his buddies the right to run for their pitchforks.  And any man of mine would not join in when his buddies shittalked me...he would say, "What she did was wrong, but she apologized for it and I forgave her.  She's still the love of my life and you have no right to badmouth her.  Please stop."  He CERTAINLY wouldn't participate in shittalking, come home, and tell me about how his friends "hate" me and make me feel worse.

    Methinks you need to DTMFA.

    ETA:  Also, how can someone so selfish and insensitive possibly be good in bed?  Seriously...seriously, DTMFA.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont-even?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c0a3ba57-0c63-4e5d-8b09-83a1644b2455Post:1c40f383-6e3c-445c-944f-65d707a4bb84">Re: I dont even know what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mutley wouldn't find herself in this predicament, but that is neither here nor there. How do you feel about your boyfriend not caring about how YOU feel in this mess?  Honestly, this is not the 1st red flag that he has given and I doubt it will be the last. 
    Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

    THIS x1000

    Did you do something childish? Yes.  But you apologized.  Your BF is being cruel and unkind, and this is definitely NOT the first time you've posted something on here that's made me think "Wow, molly's BF is an ass".
    image
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