Seriously Depressed

loves2shop4shoes

Hi Everyone.  I just need to vent.  This is not a "please feel sorry for me" post.

I've just had a really rough last few weeks.  The sheer volume of work in law school is emotionally debilitating.  I found out my father has cancer & he got operated on.  My mother's drinking problem has hit an all-time high (I spoke with her on a Monday morning at 10:30 and she was WASTED and asking me if I knew where she could get pain meds.)  My brother lives in Toronto and is busy with his MBA program and I barely talk to him.  My period was 3 weeks late and I thought I was pregnant.  (Thank God I finally got it.)  My fiance has started a new work schedule and is working 1:30pm-11:30pm several nights of the week, which has left me really lonely.

And to top it all off, the social situation in law school is HORRIBLE.  In the beginning of law school, I had a big group of (what I thought were) great friends.  These were people I truly envisioned myself being friends with for a LONG time.  We eat lunch together every day, sit next to each other in every one of our six classes, hang out every weekend, etc.

The problems really started when that situation with Jacob hit the fan.  (The situation I posted about, where my friend Jacob was in love with me and when I told him that this shouldn't be awkward because I'm not single & not looking...and then he stopped talking to me, looking at me, acknowledging me, etc.)  After the Jacob situation, one guy friend I was really good friends (let's call him Ralph) with basically stopped talking to me, stating that I "started drama" (with Jacob) and he doesn't needs to be friends with someone who's so dramatic.  Well Ralph is sort of seeing one of my "best" girlfriends in law school.  Let's call her Amber.

So, Ralph treats Amber like garbage.  He acts like he'll see her when it's convenient for him.  He'll talk to her when it's convenient for him, etc.  It's always about him and never about her.  Amber and I were REALLY good friends.  Since Ralph started hating me because of Jacob, Amber has slowly been distancing herself from me.  I noticed this, but we were still friends.

So, things sort of came to a head with Amber this week.  She's constantly in a BYOTCHY mood about Ralph and the way he treats her.  She says she can only talk to her non-law school friends about it because they're not so directly involved.  But she'll sometimes make off-handed comments b!tching about him, or if he walks by and doesn't say hi to her (or is otherwise rude to her), her whole mood will go from fine to SUPERB!TCH.  So at lunch on Thursday, she's b!tching about Ralph and I'm trying to gauge the situation and offer advice as best I could (which, last I checked, is what girlfriends do).  Then it comes out that he's been coming over all last week, but refusing to kiss her or spend the night.  And I'm like, "Why have you not mentioned this?"  She starts (literally, shouting) "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!!!"  I'm like "Amber, you're yelling...people are now staring"  and she's like IDC.  So I'm like..."alllrighty then."

 KEEP IN MIND THAT ALL OF MY FRIENDS KNEW THAT I'D BEEN HAVING A PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT LAST FEW WEEKS.

That night, a friend was having people over for dinner/drinks/going out to a bar.  I really wanted to go, but was so tired when I got home that I passed out on the couch.  So I didn't end up going.

Friday morning, the whole group of girls go out for lunch.  They can't stop talking about how much fun they had the night before.  They start talking about how they're going shopping later that day and I sort of included myself in that.  (Idk how you talk about plans in front of someone when they're not invited.)  Ok, so I had to run an errand and enter the law school just as they're all leaving to go shopping.  They planned on leaving without me.  OK, so we go shopping.  I'm all but ignored.

Last night was the Fall Ball.  Everyone was like "oh yeah, we have so much work...let's just meet at the hotel" (where the ball was).  So fine, I had bought a gorgeous dress, did my hair, did my makeup fancy.  FI and I go.  We had a fun time in the beginning.  All of my girlfriends enter at the same time.  Amber starts talking about how drunk she already is because our friend "gave her four glasses of wine before they even got there".  So...they'd had a pregame party and not even invited me.  How nice.  So...I pulled Amber aside privately and said "How could you all get together beforehand and NOT invite me?"  She's like "Well, it was kinda a last minute thing..." BS!  Everyone managed to make it, even those friends who live FAR away!  So I said, "well, that's kinda not an excuse, you should've at least extended an invitation."  She's like "this isn't the time to discuss this...let's talk about this sometime when I'm not drunk."

And that for me was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I went from having a big group of friends to having no REAL friends.  Everyone treats me like sh!t, when I've done nothing but be a good friend and honest person.  Immediately following that conversation, FI and I left.  Didn't take any pictures...just went home.  And I cried the whole way home and went right to bed.

I feel so alone.  Apparently, I'm extremely abnormal in the way I handle people and situations.  I'm very direct, very honest, and I don't do "fake".  I do things based on how they SHOULD be handled, not based on what's most convienient for me.

I'm really hurt, really angry, and feel like I wasted money buying a dress and tickets to this event...only to be treated like garbage by my "friends".

I feel like a freak.  I handle things oddly apparently.  No one wants to be my friend.  I feel alone and overwhelmed by everything that's transpired within the last month and extremely depressed.  I don't even know what to do.

vicki0508

I have found that law school is a lot like high school.  I don't associate with hardly anyone outside of the school, and I'm fine with that.  You don't have to be friends with these people.  At least you live with FI, my FI and I are long distance, so talk about lonely.  I don't really have any real advice, just that I understand how overwhelming law school can be.  But by the time you're  3L, it's cake.

KatyRoseM

People in law school suck, its like high school, but you expected better.  Honestly I would start mostly over after winter break.  I'm sure there are different types of people in your school, you just have to look for them.  Its hard to start over in the middle, but it can be done, I had to.  Once you find a few people who are better for you it will all fit together. 

bethsmiles

Wow that sucks. Sounds like high school all over again. personally I'd just cut them out of my life. I've dealt with so much crap like that (I tend to be rather direct and honest with people too) and the way I figure it is I don't need people like that in my life. If they eventually come around and want to act like an adult fine. But these sound like really immature people.

You don't have to be mean about breaking away from them Just stop putting in the effort you are to be friends with them. They obviously aren't trying and don't care so why should you add more stress to your already stressful life.

I'm really sorry about you dad and mom. I hope things turn around in that situation.

[Deleted User]

Hey shoes, I'm so sorry all of this is going on.  I'm going to PM you in just a minute.  Take a deep breath and keep venting, definitely don't hold anything inside.  Those people are so not worth it.

coastiegrl25

Seriously, "friends" like that weren't ever really friends at all.  I know it's hard to deal with especially with what you're going thru with your parents.  I would distance myself from the high school bs and concentrate on your school and family.  Real friends will come along. It will all fall in place I am sure of it.

Stay strong.

GreenPepperBurger

I'm so sorry. That seriously sucks bigtime. I know it seems like it won't get better, but it will. This is just a means to an end, like everything else in life. I am the same way with people: I don't play games, I don't beat around the bush and I like everything out in the open. Life is so amazing and so fleeting, that I refuse to let anyone eff with my life. I don't want to waste the time that I am giving worrying over other people. I need to worry what my family, my BF and my true blue friends think. Consider the source -- these people sound like they aren't even worth your time. You're awesome. And if you're feeling down, please feel free to message me or FB chat.

bakes218

Law school is intense. Worry about law school right now and just stay out of the drama. No one says you have to make your life long friends in law school.

IMO you are putting way to much energy into these people when you should be focusing more on school and your family.

MidniteRae

I hope your day gets better. I'm here if you need to talk. Feel free to PM me, facebook chat or something.

loopy82

That's too bad that although these people are college graduates in law school they are still acting like they are 16 and in high school. Hopefully it is a passing phase until the next person "starts drama" or maybe you can find new friends who will act like grown adults. People really suck sometimes.

desertsun

Honestly, Shoes, I can see how someone might think you're a drama creator. A lot of people do NOT respond well to confrontation, and I think that while YOU think you're just being straight up, OTHER people perceive the WAY that you say things as confrontational. For example, you say you told Amber, "How could you NOT invite me?" 

When you put something that way, you're putting the other person on the spot, and they can see that you're upset. So right away, just by HOW you've approached the situation, I think it is really pretty reasonable that a person might feel attacked or at the very least quite uncomfortable.

I think there are ways of being open and honest that are more CONSTRUCTIVE. When you want peace and harmony, you have to think about how you can make your audience RECEPTIVE to what you're saying.

For example, I might have just said, in the moment, "Oh that sounds fun! I hope next time you'll invite me!" and then maybe later set up a one on one coffee date and ask her, "Have I done something to upset you? Our friendship is important to me, and the pre-party seemed like something I would have been invited to join a few weeks ago, so if I've done anything to upset you, I'd like to make it right."

It's all well and good to want to be upfront with your feelings, but you are NOT the only person involved. 

I feel like I'm kind of repeating what I said about the Jacob situation.

You have to put yourself in other people's shoes, and try to find the way to interact that not only works for YOU, but also works for the OTHER person or people involved.

Basically, HOW you present things can be counterproductive to what you want to accomplish. You have to first think about, "how might this person feel if I tried X approach? or Y approach? What will that particular person react best to?"

You really can't just think about how YOU would want to be approached.

There is no one right way to interact with people, and you have to accept that and be considerate of it.

That said, if this group of friends can't do the same, they are not worth your time. You're an intelligent, caring person, and you deserve friends that ENRICH your life. Friends that just make you unhappy aren't friends at all, and you're better off lonely. 

JMO.

desertsun

Um. Wow. I'm quickly taking Jeana's spot as writer of the longest.posts.ever. 

calindi

Everything Desert said.

You said you didn't want a "pity me" post, so I'm not going to do that.  I really am sorry that you're upset, and that you feel alone and isolated.  That really sucks, there's no doubt.  And while there's probably a more diplomatic way you could have approached things, I'm sure this isn't totally your fault.

As I've said before, law school is not a place to make friends.  Seriously.  At least not your first semester 1L year.  Trust me.  It's like freshman year in college - you make friends quickly as you're all new and cling to each other, but these people you start with have no loyalty to you and are only looking to find their own place in the social hierarchy.  Eventually you settle in with new people, and keep a few friends, lose a few friends, so on. 

The best thing to do is insulate yourself - be friendly, certainly make buddies with people, but don't consider them your friends.  Your friends are the ones who have been with you over time who you can (and likely have) relied on time and again.  They don't have to live where you're living - my true friends are in LA, DC, and Boston.  And that's okay.  As long as you realize that these people you just met in law school don't have your best interests at heart, but rather their own, and you'll protect yourself from letting them hurt you. 

They're all still trying to figure out who will get them in a good position - trying to see who is going to become the editor of the law review, so they can twist an invitation as a jr. editor; who's going to run for student body president, so they can use that connection to become a class representative; who is going to make it on moot court so they can ask them to put in a nomination for them.  It's a bitter way to look at society, but law school is a microculture similar to a lions den.  They are all trying how to leverage their social connections into their own benefit, and it's every man for himself.  While you can be friendly, don't put your emotions in other people's hands because they're not going to be very careful with them and will drop you if they see it to be to their own advantage.

Law school = high school with fangs.

My best advice?  Don't try to be friends with these people.  Focus on your studies, it takes up enough time.  Then focus on your relationship, it will certainly suffer due to the time commitment from school.  Then focus on maintaining your friendships, which will definitely become more distant as your hours are filled with studies.  Then focus on getting great opportunities, such as making it on moot court or writing onto a law review.  If you see a need, start your own organization - my boyfriend has been told by several of his professors that if he was going into the private sector, the fact that he founded and ran a student organization AND a law review would be incredibly impressive on his resume. All of this will serve you FAR better than getting involved in this bullsh*t drama.  Oh, and you know what?  Lots of people want to be friends with my boyfriend, and lots of annoying little girls try to flirt with him.  Why? Because they think he can help them along the way and get them into the law review.  And he can't be bothered with 95% of them because he knows it's nothing but drama.

*Edited to add paragraphs, sorry for the novel!*

lmwilber

Shoes, the stress of law school can bring out the worst in large groups of people. Just focus on your work and don't let it get to you. In my 1L year I had a big group of friends, but the group gat smaller as the years went on. Its just the way it goes. Don't worry about it too much.
Trust me by the time you are studying for the bar, this will all seem silly.

nottheonlydreamer44

Shoes,

First - I'm upset because I really wanted to see your dress!
Second - I wish you would have said something to me sooner.

Third - I won't pity you or anything, I'll just say I know how it feels. I'm not in law school but I've found my grad school program is similiar to the high school thing. It's very cutthroat for some reason and EVERYONE is always trying to one up each other. I've made two people I consider real friends and that's it.

I agree with Desert that the upfront approach may not be coming off the way you think it is. I know I was very much like that and then I realized I was pissing way more people off than I intended. I think you're a wonderful, sweet, and all-around awesome person who doesn't take a lot of crap and who says what she means.

That can get you in trouble and that's coming from someone who KNOWS first hand. Making friends is tough enough as it is, don't stress yourself too much, even though I know it's hard. Try to focus on what does make you happy and making it through the stressful time you've got going on.

Like I said before, I love you! If you need a friend, I'll be in Boston before you know it. Text me if you need to talk honey!

:::hugs::::

loves2shop4shoes

Thanks for all of your support & replies.  I will have to work on being direct in a way that's not so off-putitng I guess...

Dreamer- I know.  Probably what I'm most upset about is that I didn't end up taking any pictures last night...and I looked HOT.  I did my hair all pretty and actually did a full face of makeup (which I NEVER do).  I was just so upset that I wanted to leave ASAP.  When we got home, FI commented that we had no pictures from the night and said I should take some with Gemini, which only made me cry harder.

redheadtmk

If i were you I would concentrate on finding 1-3 or so people you can create a real friendship with. and not necessarily 3 people who are all friends either. at age 36, i can tell you that the older you get, when people are still hanging out in large groups, there is always drama. (unless they have all been friends for many many years) most of the time these people who need large groups are insecure and like attention, are the "quarterback and headcheerleader" type who never got over thier high school popularity, or just want a social atmosphere and not solid friendships. this does not apply for absoulutely everyone who runs around in a large group by  any means, but it does apply to most.
i also agree with PP's about how you approach people. this is why when you wrote about the Jacob situation I asked why you were chasing after some guy who wasnt your SO to rectify the situaion. Here you are chasing after Amber in a confrontational manner. sometimes people need time to process things, or space away from people they arent getting along with. you need to give people that time and approach them in a calm manner

Blue & White

Wow, that was pretty long.

My best advice is to screw trying to "make friends" and work on passing your classes.  The latter matters SO much more at the end of law school.  And you have your SO, so it's not like you don't know anyone to vent with.  (and you have us of course!)

I had (and still have) about 2 good friends in grad school.  You get so wrapped up in your work that you really don't have time to go have friends.

Good luck with it all

LizzyTish88

*Hugs*

I am so sorry to hear all of this bull going on during a time in your life that should be very special to you. I think PPs have given great advice. All I will add to to just take some time to breathe with your FI. Pick a night he will be home to snuggle, watch a favorite movie and drink wine. Something very simple to just be together for a bit.

StarGazingHiker

**hugs**

Good luck! Never been to law school, but I have a few friends there now and I'm in grad school and it definitely seems like high school! So many cliques and drama. PP gave great advice. Just focus on your schooling and your relationship and be cautious with your classmates. Good luck dealing with them and have fun learning! Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk!

Goldlie11

People are silly.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  

I'm not really sure that you bring drama.  I will say that some people are uncomfortable when people are direct.  Having said that, I'm a big supporter in being yourself.  If that's how you are, those who care about you need to accept it.  It's obvious that they are not really your friends.  They are acquaintances.  It takes a lot to be a friend.  Try not to waste your time on getting upset over acquaintances if possible.  I know it's easier said than done.  Keep your head up.  

Hugs