Territorial Mother

elannis

Things with my mom are going to be interesting as I get into wedding planning, lol. I saw her today for the first time since the engagement and she got to tell me her reaction of the news since I didn't tell her the news in person. Apparently she bawled like a baby, lol, I couldn't tell on the phone though.

So this morning she tells me she is paying for the dress (always been her wish I guess) and we're going today to look at dresses, lol. My mom is not the type to sit around and wait. Well, I told her that I wanted to go dress shopping with FI's mom too some time, not to buy, but to include her in the girly things since she doesn't have a daughter. And my mom's like "no...". She was kinda joking, but I know from experience in the past when I have gotten close to other mother figures that she can get jealous/feel left out and I think she's afraid that I'll end up doing the major things with his mom and not her.

Any suggestions for how to let her know that she is my mom and I love her more than anything and I want to have her help me with this, but that there are other people I want to include too? Do you think it's weird to go shopping with his mom even if I find a dress with my mom that I want to get? My relationship with FMIL is friendly but still at arm's length, so I'd like to have some kind of bonding time with her if possible, ya know?

[Deleted User]

I completely understand wanting to include your FMIL in some of the planning. I'm NEY, but I plan to include BF's mom in all that stuff when we get there. Like your FMIL, she only has boys and wasn't included at all in the first wedding. I think it's very special of you to think about her.

For your mom, I would sit her down and explain that it's important to you to include your FMIL. Let her decide if she'd like the 3 of you to all go together or if she'd like you to do it separate. Sometimes I find that if you give people a choice (as with children), they are less likely to give a flat out "no". It will make your mom feel like she was able to have her say and it will still allow you to include your FMIL.

Hopefully this is helpful. I can't imagine how tough this stuff really is when you get there. Good luck, and let us know how it all goes!

oceana919

Seconding allusive's comments. You should definitely include your FMIL in planning events, especially if she doesn't have any girls, but there should be a balance that works for both her and your mom.

As for dress shopping, I went dress shopping the week we got engaged simply because that was the one time my mom, sister, and two cousins could all go, and they had all said they really wanted to go with me. I found the dress I wanted on that trip and bought it a few months later. When my FMIL was in town a few weeks later, I took her to the store and tried the dress on for her. She still felt like she was involved and being included, but my mom still got to do the mother-of-the-bride thing.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_territorial-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c216cddf-c5e2-4b91-8337-1df19785a6d3Post:52f1e4d5-9f42-4b66-b87c-e03e494c1d4a">Territorial Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Any suggestions for how to let her know that she is my mom and I love her more than anything and I want to have her help me with this, but that there are other people I want to include too?</strong> Do you think it's weird to go shopping with his mom even if I find a dress with my mom that I want to get? My relationship with FMIL is friendly but still at arm's length, so I'd like to have some kind of bonding time with her if possible, ya know?
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you worded that really well and that's exactly what you should say to her. You're an adult, and are going to have a relationship with your FI's mother, so the wedding planning process is a good time to draw some boundaries.</div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't go shopping with his mom if you found the dress with your mom, but maybe you could have FMIL come see you try it on? You could look at veils and accessories with her? You could look for bridesmaids dresses with her? There are lots of ways to include your FMIL in the process.</div><div>
</div><div>My FMIL wasn't able to come when I tried my dress on before I bought it, so I plan on having her come up (2 hr drive) when I pick it up so she gets the experience of seeing me in it. I'll also invite her and my mom to my final fitting.</div>

elannis

I think I will explain it to my mom that way then.

And I really like all of your suggestions! I know absolutely nothing about trying on dresses, so I'm not sure what all is involved to know what I can share with people, lol. I figured it would be a safe way to include FI's mom in the whole process though because we have absolutely nothing in common when it comes to decorating/fashion. So I'm afraid to have her shop for accessories and stuff like that because all the other times I've gone shopping with her, I haven't liked what she picks out and I don't want to just shoot down all of her suggestions. But if I do happen to find "the" dress with my mom this first time, I like the idea of having her come up for fittings and stuff like that.

BTW, what should I know when trying on a dress? Or what should I bring?

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_territorial-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c216cddf-c5e2-4b91-8337-1df19785a6d3Post:ba3091be-1760-4ac0-8187-ebbf64f6c53d">Re: Territorial Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Territorial Mother :<strong> I think you worded that really well and that's exactly what you should say to her.</strong> You're an adult, and are going to have a relationship with your FI's mother, so the wedding planning process is a good time to draw some boundaries. I wouldn't go shopping with his mom if you found the dress with your mom, but maybe you could have FMIL come see you try it on? You could look at veils and accessories with her? You could look for bridesmaids dresses with her? There are lots of ways to include your FMIL in the process. My FMIL wasn't able to come when I tried my dress on before I bought it, so I plan on having her come up (2 hr drive) when I pick it up so she gets the experience of seeing me in it. I'll also invite her and my mom to my final fitting.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

I was going to say exactly this!

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_territorial-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c216cddf-c5e2-4b91-8337-1df19785a6d3Post:52f1e4d5-9f42-4b66-b87c-e03e494c1d4a">Territorial Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Things with my mom are going to be interesting as I get into wedding planning, lol. I saw her today for the first time since the engagement and she got to tell me her reaction of the news since I didn't tell her the news in person. Apparently she bawled like a baby, lol, I couldn't tell on the phone though. So this morning she tells me she is paying for the dress (always been her wish I guess) and we're going today to look at dresses, lol. My mom is not the type to sit around and wait. Well, I told her that I wanted to go dress shopping with FI's mom too some time, not to buy, but to include her in the girly things since she doesn't have a daughter. And my mom's like "no...". She was kinda joking, but I know from experience in the past when I have gotten close to other mother figures that she can get jealous/feel left out and I think she's afraid that I'll end up doing the major things with his mom and not her. Any suggestions for how to let her know that <strong>she is my mom and I love her more than anything and I want to have her help me with this, but that there are other people I want to include too</strong>? Do you think it's weird to go shopping with his mom even if I find a dress with my mom that I want to get? My relationship with FMIL is friendly but still at arm's length, so I'd like to have some kind of bonding time with her if possible, ya know?
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

Tell her exactly what I bolded.  And don't let her push you around.  Go dress shopping when YOU'RE ready, and bring whatever entourage you want.  This is not about her...and the sooner she realizes this, the better.

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_territorial-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c216cddf-c5e2-4b91-8337-1df19785a6d3Post:4df6127a-d911-4894-af25-48f0f175124b">Re: Territorial Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]BTW, what should I know when trying on a dress? Or what should I bring?
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:8.5pt;"><font color="#000000">Good question. Out of everything, I am dreading shopping for the dress the most because I'm certain I'm going to do it "wrong" - whatever that is. I know I'm going to fück it up.</font></span><span style="font-size:8.5pt;"></span>

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_territorial-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c216cddf-c5e2-4b91-8337-1df19785a6d3Post:ced49bf0-de9e-403e-81e3-7e3e32ebc359">Re: Territorial Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Territorial Mother : Tell her exactly what I bolded.  And don't let her push you around.  Go dress shopping when YOU'RE ready, and bring whatever entourage you want.  This is not about her...and the sooner she realizes this, the better.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

FI and I are both going to have a hard time with this. We both like to see other people happy first, but I am also one of the most stubborn people in my family, so if I decide on something, I'm likely to stick to it, lol. It really just depends on how important it is to me, but we still have a little under a year to go and I'd like it to be as stressfree as possible, so good idea to start things out right!

aeroprincess87

I'd go shopping with them both. Include your FML in it to get closer to her and bond, but go shopping with your mom to get the dress of your dreams. And if you happen to find the dress of your dreams while shopping with your FML, then just go back to the same shop and try it on again with your mom. Maybe just don't tell her you found it when shopping with your FML so she won't feel the moment is less special.