HELP! Political Wedding?

jwellbor

My parents are very conservative (tea party recruits and have marched around the neighborhood with muskets at least once...), I am moderate, and my boyfriend (future fiance) is a liberal. They won't accept him. When the BF told my Dad his intentions to marry me, my Dad walked away without a word. Later, my Dad attacked my BF on immigration and called him a liar. BF walked away and we left the house after this argument.

My Dad feels disrespected by us leaving, and the BF obviously felt he was judged on his political beliefs. Now, since we live across the country from my parents, my BF won't speak to my Dad and my Dad has only awful things to say about him (he has now even implied BF would be a bad father, which is again, completely untrue and uncalled for.)

I love my BF and I can't wait to be his wife someday, but I can't get my parents to get behind us. How in the world do I maintain any kind of relationship with my parents when they are so violently and unjustifiably awful to my genuine and amazing BF?? HELP PLEASE!

bethsmiles

I don't like any of the options you suggested. I think you need to sit down with your dad and talk to him about how much your BF means to you. Discuss with him that you understand that they have different ideas about politics but point out something that they have in common. Your dad and your BF don't need to have the same political beliefs to get along. They are both acting immature. There are always 2 sides to a story, no one is ever 100% in the right or 100% in the wrong.

I'm sorry you are stuck in the middle of this.

GreenPepperBurger

I don't see how politics comes into play when planning a wedding. It's not like the vows are, "Do you take this liberal to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

My BF's parents are pretty conservative (anti-gay marriage, pro-life, anti-immigration). My BF himself is moderate, and I'm pretty liberal. We all know each other's stance on issues, but here's the thing - we don't discuss them. It only leads to arguments and hurt feelings, and there are so many other things you can talk about. Once in a while, we'll have an educated debate, but there is no name calling or anything of the kind. The fact that your father can't even have a decent, non-politically charged conversation with your boyfriend speaks volumes about his maturity.

For once, I'm going to say that the parents are in the wrong. You and your BF's political leanings are really none of their business.

heyimbren

I agree with what Beth said. Talk to your dad. I think in this situation, it wouldn't do a lot of good right now to have your BF try to talk to him. Politics doesn't come up in wedding planning, but it can come up in the marriage (and even then, it's more between you and your husband, not your father).

Honestly, it really is sad t hat your father can't accept your BF for his political beliefs. I'm sure there's more to it than this, but it's truly unfortunate. I don't think there's a lot you can do, besides try and talk to your father but he sounds fairly adamant in his opinion.

katanne9

Future Fiance, eh?

dwest2201

You need to talk to you parents and tell them that you love BF and that you intend to be with him regardless of their feelings about him, period.  Tell them that you love them as well as your boyfirend and that you can not and should not have to pick between them, that you do not expect them to be buddy-buddy but civil at the very least out of respect for you.

dwest2201

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_political-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c3116e49-2fb2-4061-b064-94541d3779c4Post:9da57a7e-ad94-459f-a856-d6668c9fc45b">Re: HELP! Political Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Future Fiance, eh?
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

Hehe, perhaps she's psychic?!

jeanacorina

Okay, maybe I'm fron a different planet (possible), but why on earth do your parents even know his political beliefs? I don't even think my parents know MINE.

The LAST people on earth I would ever talk politics with (besides my aunts and cousin who have all attacked me because I refused to argue with them) would be my in-laws. I mean, it's just.... it's an abrasive topic, why would I want to talk about that with people I am trying to get to know and form a relationship with?

Your dad sounds a lot like my aunts. You CAN'T talk about anything else without them dragging politics into it and demanding to know how you feel about it. And then if you try not to discuss it, they just assume you disagree with them and are going to hell.

Right? I dunno, sounds like that.

I don't speak to my aunts or my cousin who likes to argue that way and make assumptions about my character based on my beliefs and unwillingness to argue them. I cut them out of my life. Maybe not the best option, but it's what I did. I can't just talk about "Hey, how's life? How's the weather? What's new?" without a debate on abortion and war.

You could try just telling your dad politics are off-limits, but some people are so passionate they can't separate politics from people. So, I guess I really just don't know. Sorry.

hetshup

I choose E, slow your roll.

There are plenty of things to talk about besides politics. The merits of normal Xbox vs the new halo-centric x-box for example. You need to talk to your parents to make sure that there isn't something besides the political view. Maybe it's something about HOW he reacted. Maybe your parents are nuts, maybe YOU are nuts. But the point is, enjoy this time, there is no reason to worry about a wedding that may or may not be happening.  

jwellbor

Haha, both my BF and I live in Washington DC. I work for a trade association with Congress and he works as a defense contractor. Politics are really pervasive in our lives. I think my parents initially thought that was the only way to connect with him. My Dad made a mean joke about Democrats, and BF laughed and said "well, just to be fair, I'll tell a Republican joke." And... well there you have it. It started there when it became clear they stood on different sides of the aisle and then my Dad seemed to take it upon himself to "enlighten" my BF.  To my BF's credit, I was shocked at how well he deflected my Dad's accusations for the first couple days of interaction. He knew he didn't want to get into the argument with them.

You're right though. Politics should never have been a subject with them and I'm shocked at how my parents wouldn't just let it go...

BCRockies

I find it weird that it's down to politics on why your parents don't like BF. Is there any possibiliy that there's a bigger issue on why your parents may not like BF? I would suggest having a talk with your parents about why they may not like your BF. But I would suggest not running off as this can make things much worse.

Also, there's no such thing as a 'future fiance'. He's your BF - plain and simple. There's nothing wrong with calling someone your BF but there is something wrong with calling someone your 'future fiance'.

jwellbor

I tried earlier this week (hence why I'm here)... he said a lot of really mean things. Since this whole walking out thing happened, I'd tried to let the issue drop and get some time in between it by not discussing what's happened. My Dad took my BF's silence and lack of apology for "insulting" him by walking out as my BF being afraid of him or as not being willing to be a man and have a conversation with my Dad.

He refuses to talk to me UNTIL he talks to my BF. The problem is, my Dad has said:

my BF is a liar
my BF is a chickensh*t
my BF will make a horrible father
my BF comes from a bad family
my BF is leeching off of me financially

All without cause. BF did not lie, he is not scared just trying to stay out of it, would make a great father, his family is wonderful to me, and he is independently wealthy and starting his own business. (The fact he doesn't have a job while he's starting his consulting biz is why my Dad thinks he can't provide for me.)

Hazel_B

I think you need to talk to your dad and discuss with him how important your BF is to you. It maybe necessary to discuss that politics just can't be discussed together. If you live across the country, the last thing you want to do is fight when you see eachother. Are there common areas that your BF and dad could discuss w/o political views coming into play?

My BF's family is conservative and my BF is moderate. in Canada, many of his moderate views fall under conservative and I am very liberal. I was warned by BF to avoid politics at all costs when I visited his parents the first time, which was really hard because I didn't know anything about these people and you are trying to feel out common areas. The last time they visited, politics never came up at all. There was no tension at all.

GreenPepperBurger

I love how conservatives always try to "enlighten" liberals.

jwellbor

@BCROckies

Maybe. I've gotten the sense, completely unverified, that my parents are actually having marital difficulties. My mom will be very sweet to me and to my BF, will apologize for my father's behavior, but then apparently has told multiple members of our family she's angry I'm living with him before marriage and he doesn't really love me because he hasn't called my Dad personally ("man to man" as she says) since this happened. BF and I have called him together, including when we went abroad to Japan.

I just... I have no idea how to proceed. Talking to him really just backfired.

noelle24

I don't discuss politics with my mother very often for this reason. She tries to bait me sometimes, and I tell her I'm not discussing it with her and change the subject.

You need to sit down with your parents and tell them, nicely, that your BF is loving, wonderful, caring man, and that you see a real future with him.  As such, everyone needs to find a way to get along and that, most likely, will mean not discussing politics around one another.  I would also make it clear that if your BF does not feel welcome in their home, that YOU do not feel welcome in their home anymore.  See how they respond, and decide from there. 

I would also sit down with BF and explain that though your parents may try to bait him into discussing politics, that the best option for everyone involved is to change the subject.  Your BF needs to Bean-Dip the hell out of your parents the next time they are in the same room together.

Example:

Dad: "Illegal immigrants should all be deported! How could you possibly think otherwise?"
BF: "I'd rather not discuss it.  Have you tried the bean-dip? It's delicious!"
Dad: "Obama is a moron!"
BF:"Seriously, now, what is in the dip? I can't get enough!"
Dad: "Abortion is murder!"
BF:"You know what babies love? Bean-dip! What did you put in this, crack cocaine? You really must give me the recipe!"

If your parent's can't get along like civil human beings with someone who disagrees with their politics, then yes, I'd spend as little time around them as possible.  But that's MY choice.  You'd need to decide for yourself what you can live with.

jwellbor

Maybe I shouldn't have said future fiance. We've talked about getting married and when it will happen, just haven't yet. Once his business is cash flow positive with clients and out of the development stage (crossing our fingers for Sept!), we're making it official. But you're right, I don't yet have a ring on my finger nor has he asked for my hand.

noelle24

How does your BF feel about talking with your dad? I don't think he should HAVE to do it, and I don't like the idea of caving to your father's demands.  But it seems like the *only* thing your father will accept.

p.s. I'd be pissed that my father wouldn't talk to me about it until he talked to BF.  It sounds sexist, especially coupled with the "BF won't be able to provide for you" crap. 

jwellbor

@Noelle. Best advice ever. I will prepare bean dip should I ever be able to get my parents and BF in the same room again.

Thanks.

jwellbor

@Noelle

BF is really upset at my Dad because of the things my Dad has said about him based entirely on us walking out after Dad laid into him calling him a liar and then into me for seeing "the world in gray. It's black and white! Good and evil! You people cannot stand for what you stand for and say there's two sides." He also told me "Don't call me for advice anymore, clearly you think I am too "single minded" (his words) and not "open to opposing views." (mine.)

So BF was at one point willing to talk, but once my Dad started questioning whether or not he'd be a good father and saying he wanted to speak to BF's father and saying that because we said no, that he must come from a bad family. I mean, it's gotten so out of hand it makes me sick.  BF is much less likely to keep his cool and level head I'm so used to seeing him have around my Dad. It's hard when my Dad's insulted his entire family to tell him he HAS to speak to my Dad to get this worked out and expect things to get better from here.

Lastly, yes I think my Dad has gotten pretty extreme, will elements of sexism that I wasn't used to seeing when I was younger. He also still sees me as a child, (hence the fact he wanted to speak to BF's father instead of to my BF at first).

And yes, I am pissed. And embarassed.

noelle24

Since you are even slightly concerned about your BF being able to keep his calm talking with your Dad, forget I ever mentioned it.  It will most likely just escalate the problem, since we KNOW your dad can't stay calm.

jwellbor

@Noelle, no kidding, right? That's basically been my position. I just... I am frustrated that I don't know how this ends. I need BF to be able to keep his cool long enough to get through an obviously insulting conversation with my Dad, and I feel bad that I have to expect that from him. It's a sad day when your BF has to be the bigger man than your father.

Thanks, everyone, for all the advice. I think I'll follow the poll and just focus on the BF. He and I are incredibly happy together. The one thing that brings us down is when my folks come up in conversation. So, we're going to not worry about it and just enjoy our time together and our lives. Maybe a couple months from now I can revisit and hopefully resurrect a good relationship with my family for him.

desertsun

Honestly, I don't think you want to let this fester. While it's okay to give everyone a couple weeks to cool down, I think you'll want to address the issue sooner rather than later.

Set firm boundaries with your Dad, since he seems to be the one who wants to make an issue out of it. Let your Dad know that you both respect his views, and while you don't expect him to agree with yours or your Bf's, you expect him to treat your BF with respect. What matters is that your BF loves you and that he treats you right and that you're happy together.

And then just agree to not talk politics when you're around your parents. If that means not talking about work, don't talk about work.

HTH, and GL!

zipis1

As I'm not feeling well tonight, my advice will come in script form :P :

"Dad, I need to talk to you, and I really need you to listen to me, OK? I know you don't agree with BF on a few things, and that may lead you to not respecting him. I can't change that. However, I trust that you respect me, and as such I am asking you to please be civil to BF. No talks of politics with him, and no badmouthing him to me, because it hurts me when you do that. I can't ask you to like him, but I can ask that you respect the fact that he makes me happy, that I know he is a good man, and that I love him. I love you, Dad, but BF and I will not engage in further political discussions with you, and if you don't accept that we will leave the room every time until you can."

Or something along those lines.

catemeg

I can never understand the type of people who make politics the main focus of every conversation.  And they won't even consider befriending someone who has opposing political beliefs. Too much hot headed politics, like you have to pick a side and stay with it.  It's ridiculous!

It sounds like your Dad's way out of line, but you boyfriend probably could have played that situation better.  My BF's family tends to have some pretty 'out-in-right-field' views, and I'm more liberal.  But I just smile and nod and bite my tongue, or direct the conversation towards something we can agree on (i.e. education is important, lowering college tuition costs, that Kim Jong Ill is a nutcase, Modern Family is the best new TV show, whatever).  And your BF should let your father talk, no matter how much bullshit he's spouting off.  If your father tries to corner him, something along the lines of, "You know, I have heard different arguments and I'm not altogether sure where I stand.  Both sides seem to have merit" usually results in the asker (your Dad) spouting off their beliefs, to which your BF can say, "That's an interesting way to look at it.  I hadn't considered that."  He's not agreeing, but it sure doesn't sound confrontational, right?  It gets past a lot of awkward moments, I'll tell you!  Sometimes arguing politics is just not worth the personal fall out.

To calm the current hostility, you need to reach out to your Dad first.  Remind him that you have chosen to be with this man, and if he alienates your BF, it would make it a lot more difficult to include your father in your life.  Then your boyfriend should probably call and apologize and eat a little crow - let him know he was frustrated but shouldn't have walked out, that he respects your father, but would prefer not to talk about politics since it's a subject they don't agree on.  Perhaps they both like football?

catemeg

Oooh, on second thought, you should say exactly what Zips wrote... then tell your BF that you know he doesn't like your father and he doesn't have to, but that your father will always be a part of your life so if he intends to stick around, he should at least make an effort to make the peace.