Logic VS Emotion

[Deleted User]

I want a wedding. I want a home. I want babies.

I've always considered myself a practical gal. I don't get overly emotional about things, I weigh the pros and cons before making decisions; I'm a logical thinker. I'm not saying I'm detached or that I'm an "i don't care" type, but generally I think I make smart decisions and really look at the future before jumping in. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and...
- I know the smart thing to do is wait to get engaged until after he finishes school. (He is making a career change due to being layed off last year)
- I know there is no rush to so called "start a life" together, we're already happy and there is no question how we feel about eachother
- I know I should wait to sell my condo until we are able to jointly pick a home and support that dream financially together.
-I know I do not want to have children until we are both secure in our jobs and are able to support them financially and emotionally.

and even knowing all this...
I want a wedding. I want a home. I want babies.

Are we just hard wired to feel this way as women? Is anyone else experiencing similar feelings right now?

Elle1036

Yeah, I think we've all felt that way at some point (minus the babies, for me).  I think it's important to keep talking yourself down with logic the way you are, and also to remember that, once you get those things, you're kind of stuck with them.  Once you're married, you can never go back to being just BF and GF (well, probably not!).  Once you have children, you can never regain the freedom you had before.  Tell yourself that your life is exactly what it is supposed to be right now, and this is the only chance you'll get to experience life like this.  Enjoy it for exactly what it is because, let's be honest, it IS pretty awesome.

Hope this helps!

calindi

Welcome!  You're in the right place.  I feel the same way quite often, and these girls help talk me back from the crazy to the logical.

We're not hardwired this way - it's a societal thing.  We watch Disney movies and see that love leads to marriage and leads to happily ever after.  Sometimes it's hard to convince ourselves that happily ever after can be right now, and that "marriage" isn't a goal or a finish line that needs to be "achieved".  When we get there, we'll get there.

Until then, feel free to hang around here, chat with us when you get a bit crazy or see the green-eyed monster when a friend gets engaged before you, etc.  Tell us about yourself!

EDIT: Though I do believe the "baby crazy" is indeed hardwired - I blame hormones, since biologically early to mid-20's is when you're supposed to be having kids.  I keep telling my body that I really don't logically want kids just yet, but sometimes my hormones argue with me.

CASK85

allusive -- I often feel the same sort of way. Some days, part of me really really wants to fast forward 10 years to when BF and I are married, I'm very much done with my PhD program, we've moved out of Chicago to Fort Collins, CO, own our own home, have a dog, and have started our family. 

I dream about this future life to get me through the worst days during some of the hardest years of my life (grad school sucks out my soul). It is when I (kind of crazily) believe that life will be "complete." I know BF does too, especially because he misses the mountains so much. We even say that we should just quit life here and run off to CO to start over. 

But I know that we have things to do here that will make our lives better later. And things to develop in our own lives before we do get married. So we stay and don't make rash decisions. It is hard sometimes, but I guess that is what being an adult is all about. 

You are definitely not alone, and I don't think it is specific to women to want to get to the "good" part. I know that I need to focus on making my life right now the good part too though  

HeartOverMind

I totally get what you are saying...I was like that for a really long time, but then I found the guy I was always looking for and I suddenly feel at ease with waiting. There are times when waiting is really hard and I get annoyed about how long I have to wait, but then think I think about what I need to do (finish school, make a career, save some money, etc.) and I put everything into perspective:  Marrying my BF and having a home and children with him is worth the wait.

Oh, and I do think that women are wired to want a home and children; to be married.

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

leia1979

You sound pretty normal to me. It's okay to want things. I really want a house, but it'll probably be another two years before we get there.

This is a good board to hang out on to help keep the "want" from turning into "crazy." Welcome!

Beads921

I want all those things too (minus the babies, but even those I want someday) but I know it's so not the right time for any of it. Thats logic. But, thanks to being female in this society, I've been conditioned to want all of those things. Now. Hardwired? Maybe not, but there is definitely social pressure from everywhere to want/feel the need for those things. Somedays I want those things more than others, but I've learned to generally simmer down, and allow logic to take its rightful place. BF and I now live together in a cozy 2 bdrm apartment, which has helped the matter too - we have a nice life together, although we're still not conforming to societal demands, it's what is right for US right now.

You'll probably always want those things, but it's making sure that you don't allow those emotions to get ahead of you that is the key. You sound pretty normal though, and your logic is very sound. Stick around, and I think you'll find a lot of other women just like you.

[Deleted User]

I really appreciate all of the thoughts and comments! It's so nice to open up a conversation with other gals who are in similar positions. My girlfriends are pretty much in 1 of 3 categories right now:
1. Married and way beyond the lovey-dovey stage
2. Married within the last year and starting to have children
3. Single and still in the "clubbing" faze

Sometimes I feel like there's no one to share these feelings with - so i'm very grateful for finding this board!

A little about me since some of you asked:
I'm 27, live in BEAUTIFUL Colorado, have a tabby named "Kiki" and an aussie named "Remington". My BF Chad and I met 4 years ago on a blind date, set up by my boss, and hit it off right away!

Feel free to ask if you have other questions! I'd love to get to know all of you a little more too!

oceana919

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_logic-vs-emotion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c32d71ad-e50a-46a7-8117-b67e1f0894c8Post:ae5fb860-1bdf-4cdf-b8d7-7fd2e1addd9d">Logic VS Emotion</a>:
[QUOTE]I want a wedding. I want a home. I want babies. I've always considered myself a practical gal. I don't get overly emotional about things, I weigh the pros and cons before making decisions; I'm a logical thinker. I'm not saying I'm detached or that I'm an " i don't care " type, but generally I think I make smart decisions and really look at the future before jumping in.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and... - I know the smart thing to do is wait to get engaged until after he finishes school. (He is making a career change due to being layed off last year) - I know there is no rush to so called "start a life" together, we're already happy and there is no question how we feel about each other - I know I should wait to sell my condo until we are able to jointly pick a home and support that dream financially together. -I know I do not want to have children until we are both secure in our jobs and are able to support them financially and emotionally. and even knowing all this... I want a wedding. I want a home. I want babies. Are we just hard wired to feel this way as women? Is anyone else experiencing similar feelings right now?
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. There's definitely nothing wrong with recognizing and reconciling that you feel this way. Just don't go buying onsies and booking caterers. :)

Not going to lie - my FI and I are not ready to have a baby. The logical side of me knows that I don't want to have a baby while I'm still in school. The logical side of me knows it would be stupid to have a baby while still on financial aid. The logical side of me knows we shouldn't buy a house until we know where FI will be for his Ph.D. and what his gameplan looks like.

Yet, every time I walk into Crate & Barrel, I find myself lustily sighing over candleabras that would look friggin fantastic on my silver-navy Christmas dinner table in a real dining room in a real house. There are times I'm working on my miniscule patio garden and I find myself dreaming of a house with a backyard and a garden where plants are actually planted in the ground. Every time I get a pic text from Mutley of Mr. Man, I go all mushy inside and have to resist the urge to run out and buy onsies with fishies on them.

I think everyone goes through points in their lives where they lust for, or dream about, or pine for (whatever you want to call it) something more settled, or permanent, or "adult". I think how you handle those feelings is an indicator of your maturity and your level-headedness, rather than the fact that you had those feelings in the first place. :)</div>

jemmini6

It's not just marriage and babies that the head and heart fight over.  Sometimes you trust your head, sometimes your heart, but it's always best when they work together.  In your situation, just sounds like you need logic to slow the pace on what your emotions, which...we've probably all been there.  Just remember, you have a happy life as it is, and eventually, you'll be able to all the things you want.

[Deleted User]

Oceana - I had to laugh when you mentioned "dreaming of a house with a backyard and a garden where plants are actually planted in the ground". You have no idea how often i've mentioned this to BF after repeatedly watching my herb garden die. Condos are not conducive environments for gardening!

[Deleted User]

Welcome Allusive! You're definitely in the right place... and with the right attitude!! I agree with the PP... We all have our moments of wishing for the future and wanting all the things that we're going to have when, A, B & C, all falls into place...
Right now, I'm living with my father, trying to save up as much money as possible so when BF and I move into our own place we are prepared... and every time I look at the pile of clothes on my desk chair (I dont even have a desk LOL) I think to myself... "I can't wait for the day that I have a normal sized closet that ALL my clothes fit into!!" LOL

PaigeMcC

Normal.  Normal. and Normal.  I want a house. I want babies and I want my wedding to get here.  It's all things I want but luckily I realize (as you do) that the timing is not there yet.  These are normal things to dream about and think about and wish about...and they'll all come in time.  Until then please stick around and play with us. You seem normal;)

heyimbren

I'd like a pony, as well.

But I get those feelings all the time. Totally normal, completely common.

Personally, I think women are hardwired that way. I think part of it is social norms as well, but I do think there are differences in gender roles (as a generalization). Not everyone wants the same things all the time.

[Deleted User]

Hi, welcome...I can't say anything that everyone hasn't already said.  You seem to be as normal as the rest of us.

breezerb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_logic-vs-emotion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c32d71ad-e50a-46a7-8117-b67e1f0894c8Post:739d8c79-b37a-40f7-8caa-f714585bd787">Re: Logic VS Emotion</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'd like a pony</strong>, as well. But I get those feelings all the time. Totally normal, completely common. Personally, I think women are hardwired that way. I think part of it is social norms as well, but I do think there are differences in gender roles (as a generalization). Not everyone wants the same things all the time.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

This, Bren is our wise little one. 

Try waiting almost 6 years. It doesn't really go away but I just enjoy our relationship for what it is because at the end of the day I have him and that's all that matters...

I like you.  Welcome.