Engagement party etiquette (Help and Opinions PLS)

motoLyn

Ladies!  I know its sudden, I got engaged this past weekend.  Unbeknownst to me my FI and his mother had been talking about having an engagement party at his parent's place even before we were officially engaged.  It's unusual for FI to take lead on things, such as starting plans for an engagement party and hiring our friend to be the photographer for our engagement shoot.  But his mom and him are so excited about this party that I didn't have the heart to say no. 

So being the planner that I am, I have taken some of, well most of the responsibility on planning this party.  It is going to be a engagement backyard BBQ on Nov. 6, it was that or Nov. 13 but FI bday is Nov. 14th so I didn't want to take away from his special bday weekend.  Anyways all of the engagement parties that I have attended were big and swanky.  But I prefer to have a small party of the closest friends and family which will probably be 40-45 ppl and have it casual with no presents.  Is that ok?  I was thinking of not sending out official invitations but instead doing e-vites, am I being tacky?  I am aiming for a casual afternoon get together. I would love to hear your thoughts.

calindi

1) You're not really supposed to plan your own engagement party.  It's considered a faux pas to host an event in your honor.

2) Yes, the party can be totally casual, whatever the HOSTS want it to be (aka your future in laws) so talk to them about what you all envision.

3) A real faux pas is inviting someone to an engagement party that is not invited to the wedding, so this doesn't give you both a lot of time to get a guest list together.  You might want to get a budget together quickly and start putting together a VIP guest list (it can grow later, but at least everyone who is invited to the engagement party will have to be invited to the wedding).

4) Your FILs can sent out invitations or evites or whatever. If you send them out, that's considered tacky.

heyimbren

Personally, I don't have anything against e-vites. Or just phone calls or whatever. I don't think e-parties need to be big and swanky at all.

Just a couple things... technically the couple shouldn't be throwing their own e-party. And you shouldn't specifically request "no gifts". Do people normally bring big gifts to e-parties where you are? Most people I know just give a little something like a bottle of wine.

AudgiePodge

If it's casual like you said, I wouldn't be put off in receiving an evite.

bakes218

I do not think you should plan this party. Also, you can write no gifts but people will probably bring things anyway. Alot of people feel the need to bring something no matter what. Also, for whoever does plan it, I think E- vites would be fine.

motoLyn

Indeed, I have read on other boards it is a faux pas to host my own engagement party.  FI's parents I guess are the actual hosts, since it will be at their place and they are the ones providing the food.  Its just so awkward for me to not do anything to help.  Compulsive I know...  Well FI and I are having a DW and the ones that we are inviting are family and friends that we inviting to the wedding.  So at most its 40 people.  I'm just such a low key person that I don't want to make a big fuss over ourselves.  I just want my friends and family to come together and have some laughs and celebrate. 

Bren-I  know that for most engagement parties there are gifts for the bride and groom.  Like I said above I kind of feel guilty for people bringing gifts.  I won't say no gifts, and if someone asks perhaps Fi, myself or FMIL can simply say a bottle of wine and a card or small token is appreciated.  Official invited parties or e-vite parties i always feel the need to bring something. 

I really wanted to know what engagement parties were like for you ladies, whether you attended or hosted them for others or had others host for you  What were they like?

heyimbren

Haha yeah I know what you mean. I do understand wanting to have some control, but you're going to need to let go of control for a few wedding things now! Which is all exciting and scary. Focus on the planning you will need to do, because there will be lots!

I don't think you should feel guilty for people giving gifts. Only those who want to will, and I personally LOVE giving people gifts. Seriously, I genuinely like doing it.

Anyways, a friend of mine just had dinner at a restaurant with a few friends/her siblings. It seemed pretty low key (I didn't actually go) and it wasn't a huge deal or anything. Your BBQ sounds like fun.

leia1979

Lyn, I think what you suggested sounds just fine. As long as those invited would also be invited to the wedding (I know it's hard to tell this early on), then it's fine and sounds like a lot of fun!

I know people people say you shouldn't host your own party, but I've already broken that rule by hosting my own b-day for the last 15 years. Also, I frankly wouldn't think to bring a gift to an engagement party. Partly because no one I know has even had one.

This is the type of party we talked about having and just haven't gotten around to yet. It would have to be at our house though, 'cause there's no where else to have it, other than a restaurant.

ETA: Evite is cool for a casual party. We used Evite for the bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and day after BBQ for my friend's wedding. Why waste money on paper invites?

MissOwl

If you have older relatives or family friends included, they may appreciate a traditional paper invite.

[Deleted User]

We didn't have an engagement party, pretty much because we have so little time together right now and also there were so many people either present at the proposal or wishing us well in person at church less than 30 minutes after the proposal, so we declined an offer from someone to host one.

I really have only been to one engagement party - the party was probably about a year and a half or more before their wedding (they planned for more than 2 years).  It was pretty casual as well.  I really don't remember seeing any gifts show up at that party, just a bunch of cards (which is what I did).

desertsun

Honestly, I feel like nowadays you can get away with bending the rules when it's a CASUAL engagement celebration.

So, yes, I personally would be fine with you helping your FILs plan/organize. I think evites are fine, too. (Although you may want to call some of the older relatives/friends who maybe aren't down with the email). And, if you can find a subtle way to say "no gifts," go ahead. Maybe something like "We will provide food and drinks. You just bring yourselves and your party hats!" ?

JMO.

[Deleted User]

I agree with Desert on this one.