Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?

Carrie0930

I have been wondering this a lot lately.  I mean I know it's not a good idea to say if you don't give me a ring by next Christmas, we're over, but sometimes I feel like bringing up the issue more than once as time goes on could run the risk of pushing a guy into something out of fear of not losing the relationship.

My situation especially makes me feel this way.  We've been together for 9 (!!!) years next month.  I am 26 years old and we met when I was 17.  We have been talking about marriage for probably 4 or 5 years and he has never gone running from the room when we talk about it.  Admittedly, we have talked about it more than is probably strictly necessary on my part.  Anyways, we're at the point that I'm ready to pick out the ring and he's ready to buy it.  But there are times that I've felt that he's just doing it because he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, etc.  We've talked about it at length and the thing about him which he will tell anyone is he lives in the now.  He doesn't even want to think six months ahead to where he wants to go on vacation.  Also, we live together and have lived together for four years (and basically lived together through college too).  I feel like he considers us married in a way anyways, because when I asked him about it he said that it would basically be for financial reasons (taxes, medical rights, home ownership, etc).  Just what every girl wants to hear, right?  But I think to him it must feel like an awful lot to go through for nothing to really change.  And I asked point blank if he wants to get married and he said that he would want to be married before having kids and that he definitely wants to do that.  Additionally, his mother isn't a huge fan of marriage as an institution I think and definitely is not a huge fan of weddings. 

But what I'm getting at is he is perfectly happy with our relationship as it is and wants to be together forever but I know if I didn't force the issue (more than once) that we would not ever get engaged or ever get married.  But whenever I have brought up the issue in the past I have felt like a complete nag and a monster but I know we'll just be in the same place in 5 years if I don't do that.

desertsun

It's all well and good to live in the now. I'm actually a big fan of trying to enjoy life as it happens instead of living in the past or the future.

That said...a responsible adults makes appropriate plans for the future.

So if he wants to have kids with you, and wants to be married before then, just when does he think he's going to marry you?

Also, if marriage is something truly important to you, it is okay for you to have that value and communicate that to him.

Only you and he can decide whether or not get married and when.

You have every right to have a say in your future. It's not your job to sit back and wait on him to make the decisions.

It's completely different to initiate a calm, adult conversation where you want to get HIS honest thoughts and feelings than it is to issue an ultimatum.

I think it would be pretty silly for him to interpret you asking him to share his thoughts and feelings on your future together as a couple as you pushing him to marry you.

You need to talk to him in a calm, adult way. "Honey, I think we should talk about a timeline for our future. When do you see us having kids, getting married, buying a house, retiring, whatever big life event? I just want us to be on the same page about what we both want out of our lives." It doesn't have to be about you saying "When are you going to marry me?" A more general future talk will be more beneficial and constructive.

cu97tiger

Have a conversation with him. Ask him, point-blank, if he wants to get married. If yes, what does his timeline look like? Maybe he does consider you already married and feels no sense of urgency, at which point it makes sense to get on the same page so that he understands where you are coming from and vice versa.

heyimbren

I guess I'm not sure what the question is regarding your situation. I mean, it looks like from your other posts that you're already planning a wedding. How does he feel about having these conversations and making these plans?

SKP82

-You have a budget.
-You're looking at venues.
-You posted 2 days ago that you have the ring picked out.
-You're researching dresses.

How can you give him an ultimatum when you're already planning your wedding??

*sigh*

ETA:  You posted this back in August:

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_letting-maids-pick-their-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:7ce07f91-cb9f-4a72-988e-3ab58c215061Post:ba3e7e7c-2b50-473e-937f-45417dc545cb">Letting Maids Pick Their Dress</a>:
[QUOTE]For those of you who let or are letting your maids pick their own dresses, how much did you let them decide?  I am thinking of letting them pick anything as long as it is in the appropriate color, regardless of style, material or anything. I am not sure about if I like cocktail length, tea length or long dresses.  My dress will definitely be long, but not too formal, although my sisters will be in the wedding and they will both be in their early 40s when I get married, so I don't know if they would be comfortable in shorter dresses, even though I typically like those better.  I am thinking I might just talk to each girl separately and see what she prefers/is comfortable in, and then choose a length that will make everyone happy.
Posted by Carrie0930[/QUOTE]

If you're doing all this without being engaged, how the hell do you think that makes him feel?  Ever think this might be why he hasn't asked yet?

desertsun

Ugh, I should know by now I need to check other posts before writing out a long thoughtful reply to someone who clearly is living in her own little fantasy land. No wonder her BF feels pressured. She's planning the wedding he isn't even sure he wants to have. That's effed up, yo.

I can never get those 5 minutes of my life back, dammit. /><

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-fine-line-between-ultimatums-pushing-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c562b9e6-0143-4be8-b72d-06eff8c69a41Post:a01a598b-fe9d-4d24-9d41-4d7810c15f2e">Re: Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, I should know by now I need to check other posts before writing out a long thoughtful reply to someone who clearly is living in her own little fantasy land. No wonder her BF feels pressured. She's planning the wedding he isn't even sure he wants to have. <strong>That's effed up, yo. I can never get those 5 minutes of my life back, dammit. /><
</strong>Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

Aw, Desert.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

jaycee7389

aww desert, i was going to compliment you on giving such good advice! haha.

well OP, forget what I was going to say.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-fine-line-between-ultimatums-pushing-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c562b9e6-0143-4be8-b72d-06eff8c69a41Post:5ff58c35-0998-4e26-8df9-1140cead51ec">Re: Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]aww desert, i was going to compliment you on giving such good advice! haha. well OP, forget what I was going to say.
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]


I'll take that compliment, since it means my efforts weren't entirely wasted. :) Thanks!

And since hope springs eternal, I'll hold out a tiny sliver that somehow it got through to the OP and she actually takes my very good advice.

sparkles88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-fine-line-between-ultimatums-pushing-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c562b9e6-0143-4be8-b72d-06eff8c69a41Post:a01a598b-fe9d-4d24-9d41-4d7810c15f2e">Re: Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, I should know by now I need to check other posts before writing out a long thoughtful reply to someone who clearly is living in her own little fantasy land. No wonder her BF feels pressured. She's planning the wedding he isn't even sure he wants to have. That's effed up, yo. <strong>I can never get those 5 minutes of my life back, dammit. /><</strong>
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

At least it was only 5 minutes. I take forever to type responses for some reason. For me that would have been like 15 minutes I could never get back.

polkadot111

Your poor BF, FI, whatever he is.

Peaseblossom55

I reallt liked your advice desert, especially since I'm not sure what kind of a timeline the BF has in mind and compared to what I'm thinking.  He's defintely brought up long term stuff. So it's helpful to hear about a nice mature way to bring those things up,( my ideas were pretty similar).  So I hope you don't think you wasted your time!

zipis1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-fine-line-between-ultimatums-pushing-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c562b9e6-0143-4be8-b72d-06eff8c69a41Post:95869de8-1f34-4655-9e17-6aaa09a048ec">Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]And I asked point blank if he wants to get married and he said that he would want to be married before having kids and that he definitely wants to do that.
Posted by Carrie0930[/QUOTE]

Ignoring the possible BSC I will say this; what I quoted there? Sounds like he was dodging/not really sure of what his answer is. Whether that means he's not sure he wants to get married at all or just doesn't want to get married/have kids with <em>you</em> I can't say for sure, but to be honest I get the feeling it's the latter.

And honestly, you shouldn't have to push the issue at all. A discussion here and there is fine, but it sounds like you're out and out pressuring him. When a man (or heck. Woman) wants to propose, they're going to do it come Hell or high water. Do you want to live your life knowing that he only married you because you pressured him instead of knowing he did it because he trully wanted to marry you? I sure wouldn't.

So my advice is to stop pressuring, and stop planning. Then take a good, hard look at your relationship and decide how important marriage is to you. If it's non-negotiable, you may need to set a timeline (which you would keep to YOURSELF. Not tell him) for how long you're willing to wait.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-fine-line-between-ultimatums-pushing-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c562b9e6-0143-4be8-b72d-06eff8c69a41Post:6fa4011d-56bb-4671-a026-d6d6a7738195">Re: Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]I reallt liked your advice desert, especially since I'm not sure what kind of a timeline the BF has in mind and compared to what I'm thinking.  He's defintely brought up long term stuff. So it's helpful to hear about a nice mature way to bring those things up,( my ideas were pretty similar).  So I hope you don't think you wasted your time!
Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

YAY! I'm so glad what I said was useful to someone! Let us know how your talk with your BF goes!

Peaseblossom55

Yea not sure when to have tha conversation either, I feel like it's something I keep thinking about b/c after 1 1/2 years I'd liked to know. I don't want it to seem like I'm asking because of our friend's wedding in early July especially since we are both in the wedding party.  I don't want him to think it's wedding fever.

becunning2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-fine-line-between-ultimatums-pushing-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c562b9e6-0143-4be8-b72d-06eff8c69a41Post:a01a598b-fe9d-4d24-9d41-4d7810c15f2e">Re: Is There a Fine Line Between Ultimatums and Pushing the Issue?</a>:
[QUOTE]. I can never get those 5 minutes of my life back, dammit. /><
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

But we love you!